dreamstones

I used to post and support on this site years ago, my credentials don’t work so starting new, so not a first timer. Background, grandson of an alcoholic grandfather, son of alcoholic father, and brother of an alcoholic sister, my only sibling. I have the addictive gene, tried it all in my years, but never liked losing control, I’ll have a few beers after golf and I’m done. My Dad died at 46 due to his drinking, so I also never wanted to be like him as home-life wasn’t fun at times, as my Mom doesn’t drink or smoke and the fighting, having to chase him down and get his keys from him so he didn’t kill anyone. Oh, and he owned a bar since I was a baby, so the family business always was another layer of drama, though my Mom had her own job. I’m now 57.

It’s been about 20 years now since the first intervention with my sister. Her boss at the time reached out to me, informing me my sister would be passing out at her desk, customers complained she reeked of booze, etc. It was a business that was a consumer club and they worked phones during week and greeted clients on Saturdays to get the sale. The owner and his brother were Mormons and wanted to help, so they arranged the intervention at her apartment. My Mom didn’t believe it, I thought she just partied hard, but drinking and passing out at your desk got my attention. We did the intervention, they took her to a rehab place and paid for her treatment out of their pocket, really fine gentlemen, too bad that first time didn’t help. I still remember my Mom and I cleaning up her pigsty of an apartment, I took at least 2 large garage bags of empty vodkas bottles, the 1.75 size, they were everywhere and a few scraps of food in house.

Over the years she was in and out of a few other rehabs, my Mom and I joined Al-Anon, sister got picked up multiple times, ended up serving time in prison after 7th or 8th offense, I lost track. My Mom tended to not grasp the principals of Al-Anon and the three C’s, she blamed herself, she hovered over her (she’s been living with my Mom past 20 years), she would pour bottles down the drain to “control” it. Sis would go for a year or two sometimes, then she would fall off wagon.

I’m temporarily living in my Moms basement past two months as I’m separated and going through a divorce, as my soon to be ex-wife likes to drink every day as well, so I can’t get away from it. I can always tell when my sister is drinking, I picked up that she started again last summer, shortly after she got her license again ( has blow device in car thankfully so she doesn’t kill anyone), but she still maintained her job at Amazon Fulfillment center, would be straight on other occasions when I would stop by my Moms house, but past two months have been revealing. There are days when she has a medical excuse and needs my Mom to chauffeur her to and from work (part of my Mom enabling), whether it is her diabetes, “tummy ache” or whatever, when I get there after work ( I work 10 hour days), I can tell she is buzzed.
The Past few days her drinking has been picking up. A few days ago she and my Mom visited my aunts husband, who is dying of cancer and my sister always close with him for some reason, he was verbally abusive to my aunt, so I didn’t really care for guy. I get to my Moms house late, about 8 at night and she is just blathering for 15 minutes straight and is obviously drink, my Mom for some reason can’t tell ( she is 84 with bad hearing) but I told her to go to bed and sleep it off, of course the denial, tears, the usual drama starts. The next day we have to go to funeral of my Uncles wife. We have big loving family on my Dad side and we tend to show up in droves to support family in these times. I’m driving my Mom and sister to funeral, it’s 9 in morning, she gets in back seat with her mask on. Mind you, we’ve never worn a mask around each other since I’ve been staying there. I have a really good sense of smell and I get the familiar whiff of Vodka, even through the mask. She is a secret drinker and thinks nobody knows, but most can tell. My aunt with dying husband pulled me to side ( she is sisters godmother ) and said she is drinking again, which I acknowledged. My aunt and I went to Al-Anon together and she knew it was out of control. By the time mass was done and we buried my Aunt, we went to luncheon. Many of us ordered a beer, I think sister was either filling her coke glass with vodka or sneaking up to bar, but a few hours later, I’m talking with a few of my cousins and I see my Mom dragging sister out, she passed out in chair. I run to help Mom, sis is just blotto.

she actually got up for work this morning and I was surprised her car started as I though she would blow positive, but she made it to work. 6 hours later, she calls my Mom and says she is shaky and can’t drive home, to pick her up. I was here and said I would get her, as I had a feeling. Yeah, I get to front pick up gates, she is nowhere to be found, then I see her stumbling through parking lot, she must have been sitting in her car drinking, as she reeked so bad of vodka, I was ready to puke. She passed out soon as I left parking lot, a few hard lefts to crack her head against door jam didn’t wake her.

I just had to get this off my chest. I’m stuck here till I can through divorce, before I didn’t have to live with it and now, right in my face. I’m worried about my Mom, who will be 85 next week and the stress of this is eating her up. I’ve kept my mouth shut till today and keep trying to reason with her to quit enabling her and she needs to get out on her own, this co-dependence is hurting more than helping her.

thanks for listening, my thought and prayers are with all of you who have to live with this as we need a higher power to watch the ones we love suffer from this horrible disease.

Eauchiche

I am so sorry to read of your situation. With all the family history, it is a miracle that you are not also a drunk.

Your description of all the drama reminds me why I live alone. I too am not very good at avoiding people with these issues.

I wish I could wave my hand and make all of this better for you, friend. There is a lot of great support here.

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry, my friend. Can you and your mom get to an Al-Anon meeting? They have them online now, too, I believe, if in-person is not an option...

dreamstones

Thanks all for the replies and support. My Mom’s hearing is pretty bad (though she won’t admit it) and is reading her Al-Anon materials, praying a lot, and listening to me finally on providing some tough love. The co-dependency is hard to break and she sometimes doesn’t look hard enough or can tell when she is drinking. So Mother’s Day was “special” today. I left early for my golf league, but I did hear my Mom tell my sister to figure out how to get to work and she can drive her car home. I pretty much predicted how the day would end. I got my Mom flowers, cut the lawn, cooked dinner, sis called to say she would be home for dinner. I saw her getting dropped off, I figured she can stop drinking now as she can’t stop now because of shakes and the eventual DT’s. Yep, she walks in, I can just tell by the way she is swaying, slurring, and then the excuse of “forgot keys”. Thank God she can’t drive her car, the 7 or 8 DWI’s gives you an idea of what she is capable of. My Mom doesn’t pick up on fact she is drunk until she sits down for dinner, can’t even get food into her mouth, then she could smell the booze. At this point, I just start clearing the table, do the dishes, go out for a smoke, just trying to remind myself I can’t control it and you can’t argue with a drunk, it is pointless.

I can’t wait till my divorce gets finalized so I can get my own place, but I also worry about my Mom having to deal with this on her own. I’ve tried many times in past and this weekend to convince her to sell her house and move into a senior apartment and let my sis stand on her own feet, the safety net makes it to easy for her to continue drinking.

thanks again for listening , I think I’ve vented enough, just going to pray for peace and get my stress level down, I didn’t cause this, I can’t control this, and I can’t cure it!

Seren

Welcome back! It truly is a family disease, isn't it? I'm sorry about your divorce. I know for me, my ex-husband was someone I gravitated toward because I thought I could 'help' him. It made me feel needed. *sigh*

I hope that you won't have to live in your mom's basement around yet more alcoholism and rampant codependency for too long. I'm sure your stress level will fall dramatically once you are in your own place.

Hang in there!

seekingcalm

Thank you for sharing your story. As a mother, I appreciate the glimpse into the future that you provided me by telling your story. I refuse to pretend that all is well, and for this I have no relationship with my 29 year old alcoholic son. But, refusing to be in denial is good for me, and gosh, it is the only hope he has...enabling never ends well, as we here know all too well.

Hang in there, and take care of you.

dreamstones

Thanks Seren. It is a family disease, see it within my family, saw it with my soon to be ex’s with both her parents, her brother, and her, though she can stop at drop of a hat when she wanted.

Stress is an understatement, I can’t wait to move forward and escape all of this!

dreamstones

You are doing the right thing seekingcalm, I’ve been trying to show my Mom how her enabling is hurting her more than helping. I also explain if something happens to her, I will not be taking care of my sister. She wanted to set up her will to split her house and little money she has in a way that I would make sure that the property taxes, utilities, etc are paid and I said I won’t do that. I’m the executor and said you just need to split or whatever how you want, but I won’t continue the enabling. My Mom has a big heart and does a lot for others, volunteering, helping friends, but this nature has basically crippled my sister.

Tough love is hard, if any of my kids were like this, I would do what you are doing, but neither drinks thank God and see what their Aunt is like. Just take it day by day and take care of you.

seekingcalm

Thank you dreamstones...one day at a time is the only way I can do this. Just this morning, my nephew posted a photo of my son and him on facebook...they evidently ran into one another. My son has been off all social media for several years now. Was quite a jolt...I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. Really got me in the gut. I appreciate your kind words and validation. Sucks to deal with this.

PeacefulWater12

I am glad you are finding some relief from venting on here.

I hope you are able to move to your own place soon.

SmallButMighty

I have had to have this exact conversation with my mother in regards to my brother. I've told her I will not share real estate with him, nor be responsible for him in any way. I know she was hoping I would because she got very upset when I reminded her her will says to sell everything and split the proceeds down the middle ( I am the executrix) . She had begun alluding to my brother remaining there when she is gone. I absolutely refuse to be any part of that. She can leave everything to him if that's what she wants ( she is adamant that is not what she wants)... but he would lose it all with in a year... I have zero doubt of that. No way would I co-own property with him as I'd never live there but I'd be on the hook for all the important things like upkeep and taxes while he just drove the property value into the ground.. plus he doesn't even know how to pay his own bills, she pays all the utilities, even his cell phone bill, he refuses to learn how and she won't push it because "it upset's him "..... Jeeze, who wouldn't want a piece of that sweet family dynamic eh?

Like your mother, what my mum does, she does out of the goodness of her mama heart, but she has done more damage to my brother with her coddling and enabling than she is willing to comprehend. He is a 47 year old child because she has only ever treated him as her baby and never as a man... always providing a safe place to fall has not done him any favors.

I just wanted you to know that I completely empathize with what you are dealing with. I also divorced an alcoholic so that I could get my codependence in check and live a healthier life. I had just untangled myself from my ex and his problems and here I was depleting myself to keep her propped up so she could in turn give all that energy back to my loser brother. When I realized I was becoming codependent to my mother's codependence with my brother I put up some boundaries that were not appreciated. Family disease indeed. Hang in there, things will be so much better for you when you can get into your own place. Crossing my fingers for you that happens sooner rather than later.

dreamstones

It must have been a real gut punch seekingcalm, it brings a rush of emotions for all that you went through with him and then keeping the disease away from you by keeping him at a distance to give you peace. I pray that he pulls it together someday and seeks amends with you, it can help. I see my brother-in-law being sober for 26 years now and everyone pushed him away and finally let him sit in jail and he finally hit his bottom. Your son hasn’t hit his bottom yet it sounds like, similar to my sister. Prayers and thoughts your way!

dreamstones

We could be living in parallel lives or a weird kind of doppelgänger thing, your story sounds so familiar to me! At one point my Mom wanted to give her house as well so she was “safe”, but wanted me to help her manage. I refused and I don’t care about her money either, it is the principal of it. She changed her mind after some other wagon falling incident, oh yeah, when she went to prison for a year and then broke probation a few short months later and was back for another 8 months. I think she realized that she could fall off wagon very easily and she adjusted will to just split it and let the cards fall where they may fall. The codependent nature of their relationship is hard for me to wrap my head around. I’m the oldest and was always the responsible one and was expected to be responsible, whereas sis got away with murder since she was young and my Dad spoiled her rotten, while he was a hard ass with me. Can’t change the past, can only try to steer the future SmallButMighty and try to focus on what we can control.