I keep worrying I’m the “bad guy”...
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I keep worrying I’m the “bad guy”...
Okay, this is probably going to sound so obvious/dumb when I type it all out. But my family is really tired of listening to me doubt myself and watching me let my AH’s behaviors make me feel awful 
. So I’m coming here!
My AH is leaving me (like many of you all here have dealt with) in a pretty heartbreaking, sudden, and manipulative way. Most of the time, I am able to separate myself from his addiction and behaviors and not feel guilty or ashamed for what’s happening. To defend my feelings that how he is treating me is not something I consider acceptable from anyone, especially a loved one. However...
There’s one big way my inner defenses fall apart. He is really, really pushing on me the idea that he is bisexual and that his current behaviors are the only way he can live his truth. That his behaviors have nothing to do with addiction, he is healthier than ever, he’s “sorry” it has to be this way, but it’s what he has to do and he doesn’t want to hold me “hostage” any longer. And the thinly veiled implication is that I’m the villain if I don’t love him enough to set him free.
I’m no stranger to the LGBTQIA+ community, and have a lot of personal experience in this arena. Additionally, there are a lot of reasons (behaviors, logical inconsistencies, recent lying, past traumas, his own words on this same topic from when he was clean and sober, etc) that I feel his version of events don’t really explain what’s happening. And don’t quite ring true.
But anytime I have to communicate with him, anytime I have to handle moving stuff out of our apartment, I find myself breaking down and worrying that I’m the *******. That this is his “great life story” and I’m just a pit stop that he’s happy to be erasing from his life. He’s told me our entire 7 year relationship was a lie, while simultaneously telling me how important I am to him and how he hopes he doesn’t lose me as his best friend. He’s told me without me, he probably wouldn’t have made it through 2020 alive. And yet, I’m still afraid that somehow that I’ve been this burden on his life that his “enlightened” self is finally free from. He doesn’t let me see him anymore, or talk to me, but when he sends typed messages he always makes sure to sound very calm and zen and “there for me.”
Am I the *******? The cruel, heartless bitch? Or am I just tired of asking that question and having my world thrown upside down every time I interact with him? Any advice on how to slow (or stop) that voice in your head that somehow makes your ALO out to be a misunderstood hero and yourself to be a villain?
. So I’m coming here!My AH is leaving me (like many of you all here have dealt with) in a pretty heartbreaking, sudden, and manipulative way. Most of the time, I am able to separate myself from his addiction and behaviors and not feel guilty or ashamed for what’s happening. To defend my feelings that how he is treating me is not something I consider acceptable from anyone, especially a loved one. However...
There’s one big way my inner defenses fall apart. He is really, really pushing on me the idea that he is bisexual and that his current behaviors are the only way he can live his truth. That his behaviors have nothing to do with addiction, he is healthier than ever, he’s “sorry” it has to be this way, but it’s what he has to do and he doesn’t want to hold me “hostage” any longer. And the thinly veiled implication is that I’m the villain if I don’t love him enough to set him free.
I’m no stranger to the LGBTQIA+ community, and have a lot of personal experience in this arena. Additionally, there are a lot of reasons (behaviors, logical inconsistencies, recent lying, past traumas, his own words on this same topic from when he was clean and sober, etc) that I feel his version of events don’t really explain what’s happening. And don’t quite ring true.
But anytime I have to communicate with him, anytime I have to handle moving stuff out of our apartment, I find myself breaking down and worrying that I’m the *******. That this is his “great life story” and I’m just a pit stop that he’s happy to be erasing from his life. He’s told me our entire 7 year relationship was a lie, while simultaneously telling me how important I am to him and how he hopes he doesn’t lose me as his best friend. He’s told me without me, he probably wouldn’t have made it through 2020 alive. And yet, I’m still afraid that somehow that I’ve been this burden on his life that his “enlightened” self is finally free from. He doesn’t let me see him anymore, or talk to me, but when he sends typed messages he always makes sure to sound very calm and zen and “there for me.”
Am I the *******? The cruel, heartless bitch? Or am I just tired of asking that question and having my world thrown upside down every time I interact with him? Any advice on how to slow (or stop) that voice in your head that somehow makes your ALO out to be a misunderstood hero and yourself to be a villain?
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If he can get you to believe it, then he can believe it himself.
The truth is, it doesn't really matter. Anyone worth knowing knows that that people and relationships are far too complex to be filtered down to good guys and bad guys.
The real question to be asking is, what do you want, and is this person helping you get there or holding you back?
The truth is, it doesn't really matter. Anyone worth knowing knows that that people and relationships are far too complex to be filtered down to good guys and bad guys.
The real question to be asking is, what do you want, and is this person helping you get there or holding you back?
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edoering......I think that any time a person in a relationship says that they want to be free----the thing to do is to set them free. Anyone who says that---for ANY reason---does not want to be with you in the way you want to be with them. Relationships that are "good" for both people, and satisfy the important needs of both people, don't fall apart.
It really doesn't matter who is the good guy and who is the bad guy---the villian, as you say. In the final analysis--nothing changes the fact that it didn't work
Regardless of what labels are affixed to whom---it still didn't work.
There can never be any real peace, inside, if one has to beg another person to stay with them.
We don't have the ability to skulk around in another person's head and know everything they think and feel (lol---though co-dependents try really hard to do this). We have to go by what their actions indicate.
Something that a member, here, once said---that I find to be a Universal Truth----
"Whenever we give of ourselves--there is never a gurantee that we will receive back in kind".
edoering.....I am sure that this has felt like a kick in your ego by a mule. You will have to ride out the grieving process--as long as it takes---to get to the healing. This will take more time than you probably want it to! You will have to complete the grieving of the dream of what YOU wanted and expected of the relationship
Another sicky wicket---the "friendship" thing after a breakup almost never works, unless and until each party has healed from the breakup and gone forward in their lives. Then, sometimes, there is enough left to have a true platonic relationship.
It really doesn't matter who is the good guy and who is the bad guy---the villian, as you say. In the final analysis--nothing changes the fact that it didn't work
Regardless of what labels are affixed to whom---it still didn't work.
There can never be any real peace, inside, if one has to beg another person to stay with them.
We don't have the ability to skulk around in another person's head and know everything they think and feel (lol---though co-dependents try really hard to do this). We have to go by what their actions indicate.
Something that a member, here, once said---that I find to be a Universal Truth----
"Whenever we give of ourselves--there is never a gurantee that we will receive back in kind".
edoering.....I am sure that this has felt like a kick in your ego by a mule. You will have to ride out the grieving process--as long as it takes---to get to the healing. This will take more time than you probably want it to! You will have to complete the grieving of the dream of what YOU wanted and expected of the relationship
Another sicky wicket---the "friendship" thing after a breakup almost never works, unless and until each party has healed from the breakup and gone forward in their lives. Then, sometimes, there is enough left to have a true platonic relationship.
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Dandylion it’s important for me not to say our relationship wasn’t “good” because it fell apart. I feel very confident in saying we had a very strong relationship that we both felt (and shared) made us better people, fulfilled important life needs, and kept us growing into who we wanted to be—until his relapse and a sudden change in everything. I am grieving both what we really had, as well as the dreams we shared for the future. And grieving my loss of trust in general—I couldn’t have imagined a better, more supportive, no-nonsense, trustworthy relationship until the past few months of relapse. If what we had could fall apart, then I have to honestly accept that anything and everything can fall apart. There’s no quality of relationship that is “safe” or guaranteed.
SparkleKitty, I ask myself that a lot. I want a partner—someone I can build a life with, who feels like home, and who keeps me grounded in what’s really important in life. And he was helping me with all of those things for years. Even when the relapse started, when the depression and trauma started, he mostly helped my life more than hindered. Until he said in a slight hypomanic daze he wanted to move out of the state, change his job, and leave me. But who he is being
today holds me back from those things, it’s true. I think my brain is just still in shock because it feels like just yesterday he WAS a great partner. Emotional whiplash. I didn’t really get to watch him slowly decline in health, and process that, and realize I’m better off without him. I was just left holding the pieces.
SparkleKitty, I ask myself that a lot. I want a partner—someone I can build a life with, who feels like home, and who keeps me grounded in what’s really important in life. And he was helping me with all of those things for years. Even when the relapse started, when the depression and trauma started, he mostly helped my life more than hindered. Until he said in a slight hypomanic daze he wanted to move out of the state, change his job, and leave me. But who he is being
today holds me back from those things, it’s true. I think my brain is just still in shock because it feels like just yesterday he WAS a great partner. Emotional whiplash. I didn’t really get to watch him slowly decline in health, and process that, and realize I’m better off without him. I was just left holding the pieces.
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edoering.......you are stating my point (as I see it)....that "anythng and everything can fall apart. There is no quality of relationship that is "safe" or guranteed."
Remember, that his relapse of the addiction did not just come out of thin air. The making of it was inside his brain and psyche the whole time that you felt that things were wonderful and fall-apart proof. There was never a gurantee that it wouldn't happen---especially with addictions. One of the features of addiction is that it is given to relapse.
I can easily imagine that there were parts of the relationsnip that were good and valuable. It is the use of the word "bad guy"----searching for the "bad guy"---that seems to indicate that something not good was going on.
It sounds like the assignment of blame....
Is it possible that the relationship simply outlived it's time and just no longer "fit" the two of you in the same way that it had? Looking at it that way, might, perhaps remove the necessity of placing the millstone of the "bad guy" around either neck.
I hope that you will not have a permanent loss of trust, in general. I hope that you will come to realize that it is the trust in yourself that you have to rely on. Trust that you will always meet life on life's terms and survive, thrive, and continue to find joy in living this life.
Remember, that his relapse of the addiction did not just come out of thin air. The making of it was inside his brain and psyche the whole time that you felt that things were wonderful and fall-apart proof. There was never a gurantee that it wouldn't happen---especially with addictions. One of the features of addiction is that it is given to relapse.
I can easily imagine that there were parts of the relationsnip that were good and valuable. It is the use of the word "bad guy"----searching for the "bad guy"---that seems to indicate that something not good was going on.
It sounds like the assignment of blame....
Is it possible that the relationship simply outlived it's time and just no longer "fit" the two of you in the same way that it had? Looking at it that way, might, perhaps remove the necessity of placing the millstone of the "bad guy" around either neck.
I hope that you will not have a permanent loss of trust, in general. I hope that you will come to realize that it is the trust in yourself that you have to rely on. Trust that you will always meet life on life's terms and survive, thrive, and continue to find joy in living this life.
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I guess I didn’t feel the need to worry about labels and being the “bad guy” until the after the surprise request for a divorce. That had never been a dynamic for us. But now I feel pressure to give him a graceful, understanding, compassionate divorce because that’s how I would normally treat someone “coming out” to me. Because he’s been trying to tell me that “it isn’t me, he still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me,” but in action is suddenly abandoning me and our lives and expecting me to be calm and understanding about it. Basically I feel pressure to let him walk all over me. To do all the work in this divorce, and be happy for him as I do it. In a twisted way, I feel like standing up for myself and my boundaries somehow means I’m selfish and close-minded and unempathetic. Like I’m not allowed to be mad at him, or hurt at what’s he doing. He wants me to be happy for him while he treats me in ways he’s never treated me before and actively promised he never would.
I’m pretty sure I’m being treated poorly, but then I doubt myself. I worry that I’m the crazy one somehow, and I need to suck it up and just be better. I have good friends and family (including his family) who have helped reassure me that it’s really not me. But he just texts me so calmly and “perfectly” that I feel insane. I try to look at his actions and not his words, and his actions are pretty awful. But today I could just use some reassurance.
And yes, the relapse didn’t come out of nowhere. There was COVID, and a PTSD relapse (nightmares and flashbacks), a return of depression—but we were working together to get him help. Therapy, medication, routines... and he wanted me by his side the whole way. There’s not a lot in life that catches me off guard, not a lot that surprises me or I’m not prepared for. And I have beat myself up so much for not seeing this coming, or being prepared for this. No one saw it coming in either of our lives, but that’s been a small consolation.
I’m pretty sure I’m being treated poorly, but then I doubt myself. I worry that I’m the crazy one somehow, and I need to suck it up and just be better. I have good friends and family (including his family) who have helped reassure me that it’s really not me. But he just texts me so calmly and “perfectly” that I feel insane. I try to look at his actions and not his words, and his actions are pretty awful. But today I could just use some reassurance.
And yes, the relapse didn’t come out of nowhere. There was COVID, and a PTSD relapse (nightmares and flashbacks), a return of depression—but we were working together to get him help. Therapy, medication, routines... and he wanted me by his side the whole way. There’s not a lot in life that catches me off guard, not a lot that surprises me or I’m not prepared for. And I have beat myself up so much for not seeing this coming, or being prepared for this. No one saw it coming in either of our lives, but that’s been a small consolation.
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Originally Posted by edoering 
Am I the *******? The cruel, heartless bitch? Or am I just tired of asking that question and having my world thrown upside down every time I interact with him? Any advice on how to slow (or stop) that voice in your head that somehow makes your ALO out to be a misunderstood hero and yourself to be a villain?
This is so important - please do not take what he says to heart or verbatim. You are talking to an addict and a pretty confused addict with lots of other mental things going on. PTSD, addiction, depression etc. His mind, his thoughts, won't line up with what you think, he is thinking very differently.
He is an addict, he has had some trauma he has expressed he needs to revisit this to correct it. When he is sitting there drunk or hungover or high, he probably thinks, these past few years have been a lie! I need to do this, drink, smoke weed, revisit some sexual issues/feelings, etc etc.
Is that rational? Well from a mental healing point of view, no. So please don't put too much stock in to what he tells you now. Also, these demons he carries were obviously not cured, just as alcoholism/addictions are never cured, never. As soon as he started using again he was right back where he was.
This is a risk people take when they are in a relationship with someone in recovery of course, but it's a risk that any partner might become an addict really.
If you are holding out for reconciliation (you ask for experiences with addicts that came back after venturing out again), they are very few and far between here. He may do this for years. He may have some moment of clarity and reel it back in, there is no way to know. Even if he does, there will be tons of work for him to do to get back in to some kind of recovery. His mind is set here right now, he is living this experience, this is his life now. That has an effect on him.
Also, remember when you are speaking to him now, even if he isn't using right at that moment, he isn't "sober". Alcohol changes the brain.
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edoering.....just because he has decided to leave the relationship, for whatever reason that he doesn't want to be in it anymore----in no way means that you are not entitled to your emotions or your feelings. You own your feelings--they belong to you as much as his belong to him.
It is unnatural and very unhealthy for you to deny and stuff your own emotions. It can actually make a person sick to deny and repress their emotions too much.
You are entitled to grieve---anyone would after such a loss. And, grieving is loaded with many different very intense (and painful) emotions.
Having your own emotions is not dishonoring him in any way---and he has no right to dictate how you are going to feel and how much he still wants you around in another supportive role. When he decided to "be set free" he gave up his rights to expectations of you/ I think he is being selfish and self centered in this respect.
Also, you arent being close minded, in my opinion.
I don't think that being addicted or depressed or bisexual gives one a get out of jail card or a special status when it comes to how one treats other people. Other people are not relegated to martyr themselves.
It is unnatural and very unhealthy for you to deny and stuff your own emotions. It can actually make a person sick to deny and repress their emotions too much.
You are entitled to grieve---anyone would after such a loss. And, grieving is loaded with many different very intense (and painful) emotions.
Having your own emotions is not dishonoring him in any way---and he has no right to dictate how you are going to feel and how much he still wants you around in another supportive role. When he decided to "be set free" he gave up his rights to expectations of you/ I think he is being selfish and self centered in this respect.
Also, you arent being close minded, in my opinion.
I don't think that being addicted or depressed or bisexual gives one a get out of jail card or a special status when it comes to how one treats other people. Other people are not relegated to martyr themselves.
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edoering this is not your fault, you are not the "bad guy". Don’t you dare blame yourself. It sounds like he is very good at making you feel like everything is all your fault. Trust me on this one, let him go. If he’s out, he’s out. You have been treated poorly, you do have the right to feel hurt, angry and confused. Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot with him. I wouldn't take anything he says too seriously. He sounds quite unstable. Taking his comments personally will only put you on a merry-go-round of hurt, upset and confusion. It is easier said than done, but try your best not to be affected by his comments.
Don’t think about whether he’ll come back eventually either. Just don’t go there. Take some time to mourn the relationship. Take everything you can out of that experience. I could tell you to think of it as a new beginning rather than an ending, but I won’t. It is an ending. It is an ending to you wasting your time with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. I would advise against continuing a friendship with him, it stops you from healing. It is only healthy to distance yourself from him. It is amazing what a little distance can do for your mental clarity. You may find you’re happier without him. You might find you feel freer and relieved without him and his issues dragging you down. Wishing you the strength to sustain you during this difficult time and the healing that soothes both your mind and spirit.
Don’t think about whether he’ll come back eventually either. Just don’t go there. Take some time to mourn the relationship. Take everything you can out of that experience. I could tell you to think of it as a new beginning rather than an ending, but I won’t. It is an ending. It is an ending to you wasting your time with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. I would advise against continuing a friendship with him, it stops you from healing. It is only healthy to distance yourself from him. It is amazing what a little distance can do for your mental clarity. You may find you’re happier without him. You might find you feel freer and relieved without him and his issues dragging you down. Wishing you the strength to sustain you during this difficult time and the healing that soothes both your mind and spirit.
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Having your own emotions is not dishonoring him in any way---and he has no right to dictate how you are going to feel and how much he still wants you around in another supportive role. When he decided to "be set free" he gave up his rights to expectations of you.
This, so much. I'm not a fan of being keeping up friendships with exes, at least immediately breaking up, for a couple reasons. Almost always, one person didn't want the relationship to end, and seeing the other carry on is super painful. For another, I think it's easier to get back into stronger relationships with our friends when we aren't relying on the ex.
This, so much. I'm not a fan of being keeping up friendships with exes, at least immediately breaking up, for a couple reasons. Almost always, one person didn't want the relationship to end, and seeing the other carry on is super painful. For another, I think it's easier to get back into stronger relationships with our friends when we aren't relying on the ex.
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Originally Posted by velma929
I'm not a fan of being keeping up friendships with exes, at least immediately breaking up, for a couple reasons. Almost always, one person didn't want the relationship to end, and seeing the other carry on is super painful. For another, I think it's easier to get back into stronger relationships with our friends when we aren't relying on the ex.
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"And I have beat myself up so much for not seeing this coming, or being prepared for this."
Why are you beating yourself up? Is it because you really believe you could have controlled
or stopped the relapse? You have both ganged up on you........
His words are very cruel and manipulative and are causing you so much pain in addition
to the divorce. You are not a bad person if you choose to go no contact and not
"support" him. You have the right, and indeed, as an emotionally healthy being,
to not subject yourself to unnecessary pain and torment. Please get all the support
you can, from people who really understand, like a therapist trained in addiction,
and alanon, or similar community that understands addiction. Many times
family and friends don't understand how we can't "see" certain things, or
why we have difficulty letting go.
Why are you beating yourself up? Is it because you really believe you could have controlled
or stopped the relapse? You have both ganged up on you........
His words are very cruel and manipulative and are causing you so much pain in addition
to the divorce. You are not a bad person if you choose to go no contact and not
"support" him. You have the right, and indeed, as an emotionally healthy being,
to not subject yourself to unnecessary pain and torment. Please get all the support
you can, from people who really understand, like a therapist trained in addiction,
and alanon, or similar community that understands addiction. Many times
family and friends don't understand how we can't "see" certain things, or
why we have difficulty letting go.
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Edoering
I found what you talk about as my own version of "bargaining," and in my case it was for a sense of control. If I made myself the bad guy, then I felt like I could control the situation, and somehow through apologizing, an act of contrition or changing myself I could get my relationship back on track.
For me that had little to do with the actual relationship; or in retrospect reality. For me this thought process and behavior was about trying to make my ex feel comfortable and okay so he did not need to turn to his addiction, and the only way I could think to do that was making myself the "bad guy." For me this was a well worn pattern from childhood-not being able to be in my own skin because it was so uncomfortable and I truly believed that taking care of those around me was my main job.
For me, this experience was a huge blessing....but I had to clear through all my feelings about it, and do a lot of healing. I truly believe your healing has started.
I found what you talk about as my own version of "bargaining," and in my case it was for a sense of control. If I made myself the bad guy, then I felt like I could control the situation, and somehow through apologizing, an act of contrition or changing myself I could get my relationship back on track.
For me that had little to do with the actual relationship; or in retrospect reality. For me this thought process and behavior was about trying to make my ex feel comfortable and okay so he did not need to turn to his addiction, and the only way I could think to do that was making myself the "bad guy." For me this was a well worn pattern from childhood-not being able to be in my own skin because it was so uncomfortable and I truly believed that taking care of those around me was my main job.
For me, this experience was a huge blessing....but I had to clear through all my feelings about it, and do a lot of healing. I truly believe your healing has started.
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I really, really want to thank all of you.
I had a chance to just let all of this soak in and isolate the crux of this current issue. I see two interpretations of my choices during this time:
If I am being tough, or flawed, or distant to take care of myself, then that’s me being who I want to be and growing. That feels good.
If I am being tough, flawed, or distant because of his sexuality then I am being a bigot. And that’s a big line for me. That’s not okay.
But when I stop focusing on the anxiety, I know who I am. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a bigot. It’s more likely I’m using the “but-what-if-I-am” thought as a form of self-punishment. As a form of bargaining.
I think I just want to feel justified in telling him I don’t want to be his friend, justified in letting out my pain and anger. But I’m also deeply scared to. Not scared of him, but scared of how that might reflect on me.
This week I’m going to assign myself homework: a half hour of some conscious time every day to remind myself of who I am. I think I won’t feel quite as much fear that I’m a bad person, or that I’m misunderstood by those I love, if I take that time for a while. Until it feels natural again.
Thank you again for all the responses!
I had a chance to just let all of this soak in and isolate the crux of this current issue. I see two interpretations of my choices during this time:
If I am being tough, or flawed, or distant to take care of myself, then that’s me being who I want to be and growing. That feels good.
If I am being tough, flawed, or distant because of his sexuality then I am being a bigot. And that’s a big line for me. That’s not okay.
But when I stop focusing on the anxiety, I know who I am. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a bigot. It’s more likely I’m using the “but-what-if-I-am” thought as a form of self-punishment. As a form of bargaining.
I think I just want to feel justified in telling him I don’t want to be his friend, justified in letting out my pain and anger. But I’m also deeply scared to. Not scared of him, but scared of how that might reflect on me.
This week I’m going to assign myself homework: a half hour of some conscious time every day to remind myself of who I am. I think I won’t feel quite as much fear that I’m a bad person, or that I’m misunderstood by those I love, if I take that time for a while. Until it feels natural again.
Thank you again for all the responses!
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It's interesting when you explain it that way edoering. As you know, from reading around the forum, this really isn't any different than when someone is feeling guilty about leaving the alcoholic. Well they are destructive, but can I just abandon someone because they have a disease? Am I just leaving them to fend for themselves. I have always been there for them, through everything and now at their lowest point I leave etc
That guilt. Which I see as misplaced (from what you have written) but I get why you want to be introspective about this, that's not a bad thing.
That guilt. Which I see as misplaced (from what you have written) but I get why you want to be introspective about this, that's not a bad thing.
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This was basically predictive. I am DEEP in the guilt feelings atm. I feel guilty for feeling good without him, for even feeling attracted to other people. I feel guilty for feeling sad and “bringing down” my family who have their own problems. I feel guilty for not being clear enough in my interactions with XAH, even though I don’t actually know that I’m being unclear, I just feel like our communication is muddy and I blame myself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It's interesting when you explain it that way edoering. As you know, from reading around the forum, this really isn't any different than when someone is feeling guilty about leaving the alcoholic. Well they are destructive, but can I just abandon someone because they have a disease? Am I just leaving them to fend for themselves. I have always been there for them, through everything and now at their lowest point I leave etc
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Originally Posted by edoering
This was basically predictive. I am DEEP in the guilt feelings atm. I feel guilty for feeling good without him, for even feeling attracted to other people. I feel guilty for feeling sad and “bringing down” my family who have their own problems. I feel guilty for not being clear enough in my interactions with XAH, even though I don’t actually know that I’m being unclear, I just feel like our communication is muddy and I blame myself.
This may just be me and not relate to you so bear that in mind with what I'm about to say. I think guilt for me is often me being a bit delusional about what I can control. I want to think I can help/fix everyone and when I don't, I feel guilty. Even knowing intellectually that I can't make everyone, I still emotionally feel that way.
Come what may, please take care of yourself in every way you can. This is a beyond tough time you are living.
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