elou90

i have been separated from the ex addict for 2 months now whilst he was in rehab. Last time i spoke to him was 2 weeks ago where he contacted me to arrange to meet me as he wasn’t happy the way things where left between us. I originally agreed to meet him but within a couple of txts back and forward he told me he was off all his medication and i decided that this wouldn’t be a good idea as i know what happens when he stops it, Long story short i told him that I wasn’t comfortable with it and that even if i did meet him to talk it wasn’t me getting back together with him. He spat the dummy out and haven’t heard from him since. I have had contact with a family member who advised me he had been living in a homeless unit and was back using This breaks my heart as he had the good partner, nice house, good job and now he has none of that he doesn’t even have his family by his side as they have had enough. Is it normal to feel the urge to reach out to help him? I am so angry that he’s back using but also worried that he’s living in a homeless unit! I still care massively for him and feel like even although i have came on leaps and bounds since getting over the madness of the relationship i still have so much compassion and don’t want anything to happen to him.

SparkleKitty

If you love him, allow him the dignity of helping himself.

dandylion

elou.....yes, I think that compassion is a normal healthy human emotion....but, here can be the sticky wicket for those who have co-dependency traits----there is an overwhelming compulsion...a NEED to want to "fix" everything and everyone. It is a thread that can run through all of a person's relationship. As soon as it comes to light that someone or something needs to be righted---the co-dependent is immediately onto the problem solving for them.
There are so many different definitions of co-dependency---but, my favorite has always been this---"Co-dependency is not as much about the relationship with others, as it is a LACK if relationship with the SELF.
Even with compassion----you could turn Heaven and Earth, and you still wouldn't be able to help him.

This concept is so well addressed in the Serenity Prayer which is so much a part of recovery circles. Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer? It can be very comforting.....

suncatcher

Yes, I agree with what Dandylion said here. It is hard to fight the urge to want to jump in and help but he has to want to help himself. He will be better to come to this realization on his own without interference. Serenity prayer would be a great mantra! Keep taking care of you and know that you can't control anyone elses actions or choices no matter how much you love them or how much you try to help. Hugs!

velma929

It's not crazy to want to help. It's the better part of being a human being.

Years ago (many) I was listening to a radio show and the host was perplexed at a situation in Alaska, I think. A couple whales had failed to migrate south, and were stuck in an area where the ocean was freezing over and they soon wouldn't be able to surface to breathe. There were many people expending time and money, trying to get them back out to the open ocean. People called in, some supportive of the effort to free the whales, some opining that letting nature take it's course ensured the fittest (the ones smart enough to migrate) would survive.

One lady called in and asked, all these people, using their own time and considerable money to free two whales from the ice: why weren't they helping humans in their own neighborhood or town. Certainly there were homeless people, drug addicts near them, needing the resources just as much as two whales?

Another woman called in and said, "I understand why people are doing this. Those whales - when the humans saw a new hole in the ice - they go to it. They - from instinct or whatever, move toward keeping themselves alive. The whales can't operate chain saws, but when the opportunity to breathe appears, they take it. When someone sees a homeless person sitting in his rear end on the sidewalk, it doesn't seem like that person is doing everything he can to improve his situation."

Altruism is a great quality. Doing for someone what he or she ought to do for himself is creating learned dependence. I sometimes see an attitude of slight superiority among 'helpers' - "All his family has abandoned him, but I'm not like that! I could never..." Well maybe, sometimes, we should back off a bit.

D122y

Sounds to me like you need to see him. You said everything except the L word.

I don't know your back story, sorry, so I will assume the worst.

Don't punish yourself because your ex is suffering.

I vote see him. You know what he is capable of, so be on guard.

Sort of like driving on the freeway. You know what can happen and you have to take precautions.

This might even include bringing a trusted friend with you.

Again, things will be awkward at the least. Things could get dangerous.

You know what you are getting into and that itself will better prepare you for the situation and the repercussions.

Don't suffer. You don't deserve that.

Love love love.

Thanks.