My Ex Died Yesterday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 4
My Ex Died Yesterday
Hi all, It has been years since I've posted here. This forum has helped me immensely along with being active in Alanon groups. My qualifier, my ex who I was with for years, passed away yesterday due to years of addiction. I was very in love with him and we had a clean break one night after he left for the final time to use. That next year was one of the most painful in my life but I did the work and slowly recovered, thanks to so many in this community. My ex was a dynamic person - athlete, gave back to the community and had remarried. I have very much moved on and am happily in love with an amazing man who has been sober for 8 years and still does the work (we know how to attract them). On Sunday night as I was getting ready for V Day dinner, I got the call my ex had died - he was only 32. I had a visceral reaction and I collapsed. I had always prepared myself that that call could come but it was till shocking. I had not spoken to him since the day he moved out other than a couple of letters as that was my terms and process. I still kept some tabs on his career and life via some mutual people and saw/hoped he was in a good place after many years of resenting him. Anyway, now I'm just very confused, sad but my main feeling is grateful. I'm so grateful to not have been with him on the roller coaster for last few years since we broke up and now grateful to be able to receive this news from a distance while being in a healthy relationship. I'm thinking a lot about him, thoughts I haven't had in years, thinking about the good and bad, which is a bit confusing while also being with my new partner. This leads to my question for the forum - does anyone have any experience with this - and ex passing away? Any in-sight to this mourning process and just camaraderie is so much appreciated. Sending everyone lots of love....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Ah Blondie, I so sorry to hear of this. As much as it is expected, it is still a shock. Also the grief is so dang complicated with a qualifier's death as relief, anger and guilt may well be mingled with the sadness.
There are a few on here who chronicled their lives after the passing of the addict. As you can imagine, many here deal with the eventual death of the addict/alcoholic as death is often the inevitable end to addiction.
Please take care of yourself and feel whatever you feel no matter how unexpected unwelcome the emotion.
Edit: I'm going to attempt to put a link to Sasha's thread after her qualifier passed away. She was raising a child with him so could not go no-contact so your situations are probably pretty different but you might give it a read: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ssed-away.html (thoughts about exAH who has passed away)
There are a few on here who chronicled their lives after the passing of the addict. As you can imagine, many here deal with the eventual death of the addict/alcoholic as death is often the inevitable end to addiction.
Please take care of yourself and feel whatever you feel no matter how unexpected unwelcome the emotion.
Edit: I'm going to attempt to put a link to Sasha's thread after her qualifier passed away. She was raising a child with him so could not go no-contact so your situations are probably pretty different but you might give it a read: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ssed-away.html (thoughts about exAH who has passed away)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry, for you and for him and all who loved him. Addiction is a cruel killer. We are never ready for death, even though it has been a very real possibility for years.
He was a big part of your life, good times and bad, even if you left that part still remains.
Allow yourself to process this and to grieve, try to remember the good person he was before addition stole his soul.
He chose his path and as you well know, nothing and nobody could make him change.
He rests at peace with God. Take comfort in that.
He was a big part of your life, good times and bad, even if you left that part still remains.
Allow yourself to process this and to grieve, try to remember the good person he was before addition stole his soul.
He chose his path and as you well know, nothing and nobody could make him change.
He rests at peace with God. Take comfort in that.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Blondie sorry for your loss and please remember to take care of yourself most important.
I have experience with my husband passing away but, he was not an addict so I cannot be of much help other than to remind you again, to take care of yourself.
Grieving is a process, and we must go through the good and bad times we have had with them- the rest will fall into place.
Much Love
I have experience with my husband passing away but, he was not an addict so I cannot be of much help other than to remind you again, to take care of yourself.
Grieving is a process, and we must go through the good and bad times we have had with them- the rest will fall into place.
Much Love
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
Yes, Blondie80, it happened to me, too. My condolences to you.
We had been married for 14 years and had children. When I could take no more, I gave him the ultimatum - get sober, stay sober or we divorce. He did nothing. So we divorced. He passed from an alcohol/drug overdose just a year and a half later; he was 36. I was in deep shock, to say the least, but had to navigate my young children through it. So, the worst part - no chance to mend the relationship and bring closure. Also, the grief process was unusual as there was no where to turn. I had moved on and remarried, so no one expected me to grieve. I had to keep going as if nothing happened and keep feelings buried. There was, for quite a while, a measure of guilt, although I knew it was false guilt. Now, many years later, it's become matter of fact tinged with some sadness.
We had been married for 14 years and had children. When I could take no more, I gave him the ultimatum - get sober, stay sober or we divorce. He did nothing. So we divorced. He passed from an alcohol/drug overdose just a year and a half later; he was 36. I was in deep shock, to say the least, but had to navigate my young children through it. So, the worst part - no chance to mend the relationship and bring closure. Also, the grief process was unusual as there was no where to turn. I had moved on and remarried, so no one expected me to grieve. I had to keep going as if nothing happened and keep feelings buried. There was, for quite a while, a measure of guilt, although I knew it was false guilt. Now, many years later, it's become matter of fact tinged with some sadness.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for sharing this. His new wife reached out to me last night (I have never met her or had contact) and introduced herself and told me he had written me a letter that he never sent. That I was a part of his "living amends" - I had heard this before when we were together but it was till hard to hear. She also invited me to the memorial and said she was looking forward to meeting. All of this is A LOT. I'm not sure that I want that letter and still deciding on the memorial. I want to be really careful to keep up boundaries and not romanticize this whole thing because that's what I did for so long with him. I still have resentments - like he consumed so much of my life - some of it was so great but also I don't want it all to creep in and take back over. Cleary I'm all over the place with this - but I appreciate this platform so much....
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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I'm not sure that I want that letter and still deciding on the memorial. I want to be really careful to keep up boundaries and not romanticize this whole thing because that's what I did for so long with him
You’ve moved on, you’ve processed a ton of pain. Your instincts seem to be telling you not to go backwards and please allow yourself to respect those?
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Join Date: Feb 2021
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Thank you Aries - you are right. I started to feel guilt again last night and clearly that's a huge red flag. Also both of those outcomes - arguing again with him or re-grieving the relationship would be such a backward step. This advice was super helpful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'm sorry for your loss.
I hadn't left my husband, but the marriage had been over for years. You can love someone a lot, and still realize it's better not to be married. It's sad when someone dies before his time - doubly so when it could have been prevented.
I hadn't left my husband, but the marriage had been over for years. You can love someone a lot, and still realize it's better not to be married. It's sad when someone dies before his time - doubly so when it could have been prevented.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 3
Hi Blondie,
I'm very sorry for your loss. I am in a very similar situation, my husband has been sober for several years, but I recently lost my ex a few months ago. He died very suddenly from withdrawals. I had no idea that his problem had become so severe. We had kept in touch throughout the years but I no longer wanted to be with him as a lover because his lifestyle was so unstable. I'm heartbroken that I could not help him more. He should have lived a long life. I don't think I'll ever get over losing my friend. You're not alone.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I am in a very similar situation, my husband has been sober for several years, but I recently lost my ex a few months ago. He died very suddenly from withdrawals. I had no idea that his problem had become so severe. We had kept in touch throughout the years but I no longer wanted to be with him as a lover because his lifestyle was so unstable. I'm heartbroken that I could not help him more. He should have lived a long life. I don't think I'll ever get over losing my friend. You're not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by spottedlady 
Hi Blondie,
I'm very sorry for your loss. I am in a very similar situation, my husband has been sober for several years, but I recently lost my ex a few months ago. He died very suddenly from withdrawals. I had no idea that his problem had become so severe. We had kept in touch throughout the years but I no longer wanted to be with him as a lover because his lifestyle was so unstable. I'm heartbroken that I could not help him more. He should have lived a long life. I don't think I'll ever get over losing my friend. You're not alone.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I am in a very similar situation, my husband has been sober for several years, but I recently lost my ex a few months ago. He died very suddenly from withdrawals. I had no idea that his problem had become so severe. We had kept in touch throughout the years but I no longer wanted to be with him as a lover because his lifestyle was so unstable. I'm heartbroken that I could not help him more. He should have lived a long life. I don't think I'll ever get over losing my friend. You're not alone.
You've posted in a thread that is a few months old, I am really sorry for your loss.
I think what you are feeling is completely natural, you have lost someone you were very close to at one time and it does seem so senseless.
I hope you will start a new thread so you can get even more support.
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