Flynn84

I met a guy during the pandemic that was staying in his family's vacation home, so it's not his permanent residence. He told me I was the sweetest woman he'd ever met repeatedly. He was always coming over to hang out and wanted to fix things for me in my home. He would say things like, "You don't understand. I don't do things for people" and "I really like you. No, I really like you." Things were going well between us until I found out about his addictions. He kept saying he was drinking too much, but I found out he was doing cocaine. When I questioned him about it, he told me he'd been using on and off for a year. I'm sure that means "I've been using for a year"...I got very upset with him, found out he'd been to rehab once before, and he went back home shortly after. I let his parents know what happened. He had taken me to a drug deal, and I know his mental health was deteriorating.

Five months after he had gone home I got a very strange feeling, and he showed up on my doorstep unannounced a week after. He wanted to go to breakfast together, to hang out, to cook dinner for me, go shopping together, and to fix some things in my home. I felt like he was love bombing me, but we never did any of the things he proposed we do. I didn't know if he was sober or not, so I went over to talk to him and did all of the normal nice things I would do like take him soup when he was sick. His parents had taken his phone and wallet away, so I left him a few notes. Then he called from his dad's cell yelling at me saying to never contact him or his family again because I'd sent a text to his dad. I told him I'd respect his wishes, and he blew up on me. I had wanted to talk to his dad about something completely unrelated to him. My family talks through things and doesn't yell, so I wasn't having it. I know it was alcohol or drugs talking. His dad and I are super cool and still talk often. He told me that his son was feeling pressure by me to be in a relationship and to give him time and he'll come around. I saw him one day when I was with my parents. We didn't speak, but he stared at me the entire time he walked by. Then he became visibly agitated by my presence and left for home two days later. His dad claimed he was having health issues. I haven't spoken to him for three months or so now.

I have gone about living my life, but every once in a while I can't help but think about him and wonder if he's getting the help he needs. I haven't talked to his dad about it because I feel like it's a family issue. Any advice to help me truly get him out of my head?

doggonecarl

If he's getting the help he needs, it's because he decided he needs help and is ready to quit. Not before. And no one can get it for him.

As for getting him out of your head....time will do that. Time and no contact.

Ann

I haven't spoken to him for three months or so now.

I have gone about living my life, but every once in a while I can't help but think about him and wonder if he's getting the help he needs. I haven't talked to his dad about it because I feel like it's a family issue. Any advice to help me truly get him out of my head?


Hi Flynn, welcome to SR. I am sorry you are going through the ups and downs that addiction brings to relationships, and sadly the ups get fewer and the downs get deeper as time passes. He has shown you who he is, he yells and tried to control you through yelling or through sweet talk, but it's all manipulation and bad news.

You are on the right track, cutting contact and reaching out for help for yourself. I promise you that the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying in a toxic relationship.

Take a good read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of helpful information that will help you understand how important it is to take care of yourself. You deserve a healthy and happy life.

Again, welcome, I hope you find some comfort and support here.

Flynn84

Thank you. I have definitely stayed far away from him even when he's here. His family's summer home is in my condo complex, so it doesn't take long for me to realize he's here.

I also deleted his phone number months ago in case his parents give him his phone back. It's childish that they had to do that because he's 30 years old now. His parents have unintentionally enabled him. They're a well off family, and I could see it from the outside looking in he takes advantage of their circumstances.

It's much healthier for me to run away and go about my life. I just wish the memories of him would go away completely. His dad is here now and mentioned to me that his mom is coming soon. I know in the back of my mind I'm worried he's coming too because I know they won't leave him alone and that comment made me think about him.

HardLessons

Based on my experience our addicts dont tell us the truth about which drugs, how much they use, how often they use, or how long they have been using / addicted. Over time, it does eventually come out but at least initially its all minimized by the addict.

Do yourself a favor & leave this guy & his parents in the past & dont look back. Save yourself.

Please take care.

Flynn84

I think it's going to be tough to not see his parents. They live in my condo complex where everyone knows everyone, but the good thing is they are not here year round. The dad does stop by occasionally, but I don't seek them out.

Ann

Flynn, it may be helpful to decide what you will say to him if you run into him.

It should not be a "discussion", just something simple with an exit plan. "Hi Fred (hope that's not his name), I haven't got time to chat, hope you are doing okay" and then keep moving....to anywhere away from him. Just having a plan will help you stop thinking/worrying about him showing up, As for his folks, "Hi neighbour" is enough and then don't engage in any conversation about their son. Treat them as "your" neighbours and not as the parents of a man you have terminated contact with.

When you have an exit plan you don't have to overthink this or worry about what may or may not happen.

I think you are doing well, and your thinking is on the right track. We are here to cheer you on.

Hugs

Flynn84

Having an exit strategy is a good thing to think about. I notice that I tend to run into him at the beach, or he shows up at my door, so it's kind of hard to get away. I really don't have anything to talk to him about if he's still using, so just saying hi or not acknowledging him at all and going about my day seems like the natural thing to do if he does show up.

Ann

It's not up to you to decide if he is still using, addicts often say they are not when they are. Time and actions show us the truth, their words just cannot be trusted.

Make whatever plan works for you for your home or the beach. My point was that having a plan in place will save you being tongue-tied or befuddled later. It's easier to stay out of engaging than it is to engage and then try to get away.

Good luck in all of this.

trailmix

Hi Flynn. I don't know how much you know about addicts, but I would really encourage you to read all around the forum here and the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

This is for you, not for him, so you know fully what you are dealing with.

The thing is (and it's tempting to do) try not to separate the "drugged" him from the not drugged him. He is who he is on any given day, drunk or sober, not two people. I mention this because you are obviously a compassionate person and you see his struggles, but he is just one person, a practicing addict, not sober, not in any kind of recovery.

He's 30 years old and his parents took his phone and wallet away from him.

This is his life. If you start to get that kind of perspective on it, you will see there is zero hope for any kind of relationship with him. He just isn't there.

Even if he quit drugs tomorrow and went to rehab, recovery is a huge process. So he wouldn't be ok for some time, years maybe.

Flynn84

I realize this and that there is no separation of him and the addiction. He is one person and has to own all of it, the good and the bad. I just meant that his anger comes is more expressed when he is actively using. I know there is zero hope for a relationship because I won't allow myself to be with him. It would take a lot of time in sobriety before I would even want to speak to him as a neighbor again. I can't trust him.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

trailmix

You're right, you can't. So your thinking about all of this is good but you still can't stop thinking about him.

Always remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). He will stop using the moment he wants to and not a moment before. Once you accept that and separate yourself from any idea that you could change that, you will probably be more at peace with the whole situation.

Flynn84

Quick update; I helped his dad set up some technology because he sought me out to help. I'm the youngest person in my complex, so it's not uncommon for people to ask for help setting up their devices.

I asked if he was under his son's account because his son's initial was at the top of the screen. I told him I didn't want to add things to the account and change his playlist on accident. He said that it couldn't be his account since he got it as a gift in December. He lives with his parents, so I think he may be in rehab. It may be nothing, but I have prayed daily for him to get healthy, so I sure do hope that is the case.