Not what I expected, feeling defeated
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Not what I expected, feeling defeated
I received texts at work that AH had contacted a local state run inpatient detox and treatment center. He's been there before. He began drinking today after the usual week off. He said they needed me to call when I got home with insurance info. Turns out It was a national type of crisis line not the local center and so he wanted to call the right number. They have a whole referral process that he is now too intoxicated for them to understand him and vice versa. He/I listened on speaker phone the instructions from intake what he had to do. He did not decide to talk to them any further now. I just let it go, subject dropped. Wrote down number to call tomorrow if he chooses too.
I was glad for him at first he took the steps to call. Now so very frustrated because I believe he only did this to play his game of manipulation. I thought I did well not getting involved beyond giving insurance info.
So why am I feeling a wide range of emotions? I'm not projecting on him what I feel, as I usually did. But now He's passed out and my mind is whirling. I'm feeling like I'm doing this all wrong. I am trying to avoid JADE, detach from both his drinking and use of manipulation, not enabling (realize giving insurance info and phone number was enabling now). I thought this would make me feel less overwhelmed and mentally drained. I guess I do have some sense of numbness to the situation but not so much of a relief I thought would come from not jumping in feet first to the rescue. I would appreciate some input on what I can do better or where I went wrong. I want to feel peace and contentment of staying in my lane.
I was glad for him at first he took the steps to call. Now so very frustrated because I believe he only did this to play his game of manipulation. I thought I did well not getting involved beyond giving insurance info.
So why am I feeling a wide range of emotions? I'm not projecting on him what I feel, as I usually did. But now He's passed out and my mind is whirling. I'm feeling like I'm doing this all wrong. I am trying to avoid JADE, detach from both his drinking and use of manipulation, not enabling (realize giving insurance info and phone number was enabling now). I thought this would make me feel less overwhelmed and mentally drained. I guess I do have some sense of numbness to the situation but not so much of a relief I thought would come from not jumping in feet first to the rescue. I would appreciate some input on what I can do better or where I went wrong. I want to feel peace and contentment of staying in my lane.
Last edited by HopeUnending; 02-02-2021 at 05:46 PM. Reason: Left out info
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Both these things:
This isn't your side of the street. To get any kind of peace you are going to need to really detach from thinking anything is going to change. It won't until he decides it will and you have no control over that. Investing any feelings in to his addiction or recovery is a guaranteed recipe to make yourself miserable. You will be riding the addiction train with him.
For example, giving him the insurance info is meaningless, not necessarily enabling, he asked you for the info, you gave it to him, nothing lost, nothing gained. It might be wise though to let him make his own rehab plans when he is sober.
I was glad for him at first he took the steps to call. Now so very frustrated because I believe he only did this to play his game of manipulation.
For example, giving him the insurance info is meaningless, not necessarily enabling, he asked you for the info, you gave it to him, nothing lost, nothing gained. It might be wise though to let him make his own rehab plans when he is sober.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Both these things:
This isn't your side of the street. To get any kind of peace you are going to need to really detach from thinking anything is going to change. It won't until he decides it will and you have no control over that. Investing any feelings in to his addiction or recovery is a guaranteed recipe to make yourself miserable. You will be riding the addiction train with him.
For example, giving him the insurance info is meaningless, not necessarily enabling, he asked you for the info, you gave it to him, nothing lost, nothing gained. It might be wise though to let him make his own rehab plans when he is sober.
This isn't your side of the street. To get any kind of peace you are going to need to really detach from thinking anything is going to change. It won't until he decides it will and you have no control over that. Investing any feelings in to his addiction or recovery is a guaranteed recipe to make yourself miserable. You will be riding the addiction train with him.
For example, giving him the insurance info is meaningless, not necessarily enabling, he asked you for the info, you gave it to him, nothing lost, nothing gained. It might be wise though to let him make his own rehab plans when he is sober.
I need to focus more on not allowing myself to feel a certain way no matter what he says/does. I have a long way to go unlearning old habits and learning new ones. Again thank you.
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You know hope, you are doing really well though. This involves questioning what you are doing. Ok I feel bad now, what just happened there? You are doing that. It's all part of the unlearning and you are right there asking the right questions. It takes time.
Sometimes it helps if you just say to yourself, not my problem or not my side of the street, or whatever works for you.
Sometimes it helps if you just say to yourself, not my problem or not my side of the street, or whatever works for you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You know hope, you are doing really well though. This involves questioning what you are doing. Ok I feel bad now, what just happened there? You are doing that. It's all part of the unlearning and you are right there asking the right questions. It takes time.
Sometimes it helps if you just say to yourself, not my problem or not my side of the street, or whatever works for you.
Sometimes it helps if you just say to yourself, not my problem or not my side of the street, or whatever works for you.
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HopeUnending.......my question is this----Why would you assume that you would feel "peace and contentment" while living with an active alcoholic who is passed out in the chair?
Don't underestimate how hard it is to live with ongoing active alcoholism. In my personal experience--living in closes quarters with active alcoholism was nothing less than a trip through he**!
Even when I loved the person..
To me---peace and contentment comes from living in sync with the forces in one's life---both external an internal factors. It means thriving, rather than just existing.
I recognize that there are many types of marriages and that different people may expect/want different things. And, each person gets to decide what they want and what they are willing to put up with in life.
I realize that you are talking about detachment....and I do believe that emotional detachment can make things less frustrating, and less exhausting, and give some "space" to breath and think. And, there are degrees of detachment from the other person and their alcoholic behaviors. I realize that some people are able to detach to the extent that they live a completely separate life from the alcoholic---in every way. Staying married can be the goal within itself. I have, personally known a couple of married couples who have lived that way. their preferred choice, so---no judgement on my part.
Me, personally---I would rather have lived in a refrigerator box under a bridge....lol.
In recovery, I see detachment a useful tool----along with other tools in the tool box, I think it is like a hammer, which is a wonderful tool, but, one cannot build a complete house with just a hammer.
If not enabling is your goal---Yes, I think you handled the situation well.
Don't underestimate how hard it is to live with ongoing active alcoholism. In my personal experience--living in closes quarters with active alcoholism was nothing less than a trip through he**!
Even when I loved the person..
To me---peace and contentment comes from living in sync with the forces in one's life---both external an internal factors. It means thriving, rather than just existing.
I recognize that there are many types of marriages and that different people may expect/want different things. And, each person gets to decide what they want and what they are willing to put up with in life.
I realize that you are talking about detachment....and I do believe that emotional detachment can make things less frustrating, and less exhausting, and give some "space" to breath and think. And, there are degrees of detachment from the other person and their alcoholic behaviors. I realize that some people are able to detach to the extent that they live a completely separate life from the alcoholic---in every way. Staying married can be the goal within itself. I have, personally known a couple of married couples who have lived that way. their preferred choice, so---no judgement on my part.
Me, personally---I would rather have lived in a refrigerator box under a bridge....lol.
In recovery, I see detachment a useful tool----along with other tools in the tool box, I think it is like a hammer, which is a wonderful tool, but, one cannot build a complete house with just a hammer.
If not enabling is your goal---Yes, I think you handled the situation well.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
HopeUnending.......my question is this----Why would you assume that you would feel "peace and contentment" while living with an active alcoholic who is passed out in the chair?
Don't underestimate how hard it is to live with ongoing active alcoholism. In my personal experience--living in closes quarters with active alcoholism was nothing less than a trip through he**!
Even when I loved the person..
To me---peace and contentment comes from living in sync with the forces in one's life---both external an internal factors. It means thriving, rather than just existing.
I recognize that there are many types of marriages and that different people may expect/want different things. And, each person gets to decide what they want and what they are willing to put up with in life.
I realize that you are talking about detachment....and I do believe that emotional detachment can make things less frustrating, and less exhausting, and give some "space" to breath and think. And, there are degrees of detachment from the other person and their alcoholic behaviors. I realize that some people are able to detach to the extent that they live a completely separate life from the alcoholic---in every way. Staying married can be the goal within itself. I have, personally known a couple of married couples who have lived that way. their preferred choice, so---no judgement on my part.
Me, personally---I would rather have lived in a refrigerator box under a bridge....lol.
In recovery, I see detachment a useful tool----along with other tools in the tool box, I think it is like a hammer, which is a wonderful tool, but, one cannot build a complete house with just a hammer.
If not enabling is your goal---Yes, I think you handled the situation well.
Don't underestimate how hard it is to live with ongoing active alcoholism. In my personal experience--living in closes quarters with active alcoholism was nothing less than a trip through he**!
Even when I loved the person..
To me---peace and contentment comes from living in sync with the forces in one's life---both external an internal factors. It means thriving, rather than just existing.
I recognize that there are many types of marriages and that different people may expect/want different things. And, each person gets to decide what they want and what they are willing to put up with in life.
I realize that you are talking about detachment....and I do believe that emotional detachment can make things less frustrating, and less exhausting, and give some "space" to breath and think. And, there are degrees of detachment from the other person and their alcoholic behaviors. I realize that some people are able to detach to the extent that they live a completely separate life from the alcoholic---in every way. Staying married can be the goal within itself. I have, personally known a couple of married couples who have lived that way. their preferred choice, so---no judgement on my part.
Me, personally---I would rather have lived in a refrigerator box under a bridge....lol.
In recovery, I see detachment a useful tool----along with other tools in the tool box, I think it is like a hammer, which is a wonderful tool, but, one cannot build a complete house with just a hammer.
If not enabling is your goal---Yes, I think you handled the situation well.
I don't like or want this type of marriage, not what I want to ever experience again. I did need to change my mindset to even make the decisions necessary to plan a future for me, only me. In the meantime I'll be working on me and my side of the street.
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HopeUnending......I get what you are saying.
I am thinking that your desire for greater self understanding and exploration is a very worthy thing, Woodlandlost recently posted a link that he is using and I am liking it, myself. It is a kind of guide for self exploration and better understanding of what makes us "tick". It is, actually, a kind of self help program. You might want to take a look at it,
Outline of a 7-lesson course on breaking the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle (sfhelp.org)
I am thinking that your desire for greater self understanding and exploration is a very worthy thing, Woodlandlost recently posted a link that he is using and I am liking it, myself. It is a kind of guide for self exploration and better understanding of what makes us "tick". It is, actually, a kind of self help program. You might want to take a look at it,
Outline of a 7-lesson course on breaking the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle (sfhelp.org)
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Hopeunending
I agree with what everyone else has posted.
I also just wanted to acknowledge though that for me I thought because I DID something different that I would feel better.
In retrospect doing something different was bushwacking a new path through a deep jungle of underbrush. It was hard work, it was exhausting, it was new......and it went against everything I had ever known up until that point in time.
I was expecting too much of me and was not able to realize in the moment that I was feeling all of this good stuff about my change, but also all of the negative realizations about my situation, my love one, and my exhaustion at making such a change.
Like a new exercise routine, I started to feel better with practice and familiarity and frankly a new, clearer path. You took some humungous steps today for yourself, and I believe you will continue to build on your success.
I agree with what everyone else has posted.
I also just wanted to acknowledge though that for me I thought because I DID something different that I would feel better.
In retrospect doing something different was bushwacking a new path through a deep jungle of underbrush. It was hard work, it was exhausting, it was new......and it went against everything I had ever known up until that point in time.
I was expecting too much of me and was not able to realize in the moment that I was feeling all of this good stuff about my change, but also all of the negative realizations about my situation, my love one, and my exhaustion at making such a change.
Like a new exercise routine, I started to feel better with practice and familiarity and frankly a new, clearer path. You took some humungous steps today for yourself, and I believe you will continue to build on your success.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by dandylion
HopeUnending......I get what you are saying.
I am thinking that your desire for greater self understanding and exploration is a very worthy thing, Woodlandlost recently posted a link that he is using and I am liking it, myself. It is a kind of guide for self exploration and better understanding of what makes us "tick". It is, actually, a kind of self help program. You might want to take a look at it,
Outline of a 7-lesson course on breaking the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle (sfhelp.org)
I am thinking that your desire for greater self understanding and exploration is a very worthy thing, Woodlandlost recently posted a link that he is using and I am liking it, myself. It is a kind of guide for self exploration and better understanding of what makes us "tick". It is, actually, a kind of self help program. You might want to take a look at it,
Outline of a 7-lesson course on breaking the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle (sfhelp.org)
I'm definitely checking that link out. It sounds exactly what I need!! Thank you and Woodlandlost for posting it!
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Hopeunending
I agree with what everyone else has posted.
I also just wanted to acknowledge though that for me I thought because I DID something different that I would feel better.
In retrospect doing something different was bushwacking a new path through a deep jungle of underbrush. It was hard work, it was exhausting, it was new......and it went against everything I had ever known up until that point in time.
I was expecting too much of me and was not able to realize in the moment that I was feeling all of this good stuff about my change, but also all of the negative realizations about my situation, my love one, and my exhaustion at making such a change.
Like a new exercise routine, I started to feel better with practice and familiarity and frankly a new, clearer path. You took some humungous steps today for yourself, and I believe you will continue to build on your success.
I agree with what everyone else has posted.
I also just wanted to acknowledge though that for me I thought because I DID something different that I would feel better.
In retrospect doing something different was bushwacking a new path through a deep jungle of underbrush. It was hard work, it was exhausting, it was new......and it went against everything I had ever known up until that point in time.
I was expecting too much of me and was not able to realize in the moment that I was feeling all of this good stuff about my change, but also all of the negative realizations about my situation, my love one, and my exhaustion at making such a change.
Like a new exercise routine, I started to feel better with practice and familiarity and frankly a new, clearer path. You took some humungous steps today for yourself, and I believe you will continue to build on your success.
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