Cookie314

I apologize ahead of time, this is going to be a book.

My AH has had a difficult time this week, and has be drinking pretty heavily basically every day. This morning he either ran out, or tried to stop cold turkey after a particularly heavy day of drinking yesterday. He had basically been either asleep, or moaning and in pain through the day.

Around 6 he began having an anxiety/ panic attack so severe he didn't even look like he knew where he was. His hands clenched into claws, hyperventilating, moving like he wanted to rock or pace back and forth but while sitting in the chair, etc. After calming him down, I told him I wanted to call for help. He pleaded with me not to send him to the hospital or detox, etc.

As a quick back story, his previous experiences with them didn't go well. In May I brought him to the hospital for calling me to tell me his withdrawal was so severe he wanted to kill himself. They took him in, but when they wanted to ambulance him over to detox, he declined and left ama. Then in September after a particularly bad night of drinking and trying to stop again, he agreed he needed help and went to a detox clinic in the city.

It was "the worst experience of his life." I do agree it sounded hellish. He had no access to his phone or wallet, was left alone in a room for 5 hours before being admitted, his roommate was a cocaine addict who threatened him the moment he came in, one of the other patients there would smear poop on the walls, etc. Then because it was the weekend, the doctors and groups weren't back in till Monday, so there was nothing to do but listen to other patients talk about drugs.

He pleaded with me not to bring him there again. I promised him I wouldn't, and searched until I found a place our insurance "covered." Admittedly it looks much nicer, but at a price of $7000. After insurance. It's ludicrous. But of course we paid it, because I literally am incapable of medical caring for him right now.

While all this is going on, my God forsaken mother in law is constantly messaging me. Apparently she has a 6th sense for poor timing. Literally 40 messages on my phone, each a minute or less apart. Consisting of
"how's - husband-? He isn't returning my messages"
"No one has heard from him"
"I'm getting impatient"
"he needs help."
"not to be coddled."
"medical help needs to intervene"
"if you don't answer me I'm going to call the cops for a wellness check"

So she actually calls me at this point. Of course I hear my phone buzzing, but ignore it due to looking after AH. I decline the call and send

"we're talking right now, thanks"
to which she replies: "I need action, this is too serious. The whole family is concerned."

Glob I hate that woman. She has a way of taking and crisis, and turning it into something to be done for her. Oh of course mil, you need action! Thank God you said so, or else I'd have done nothing. You've been ever so helpful this whole time after all!

I realize covid has left everyone isolated, and she is in a position of powerlessness in this. I get it. But she is one of the greatest examples of textbook alcoholic narcissist. She is sweet as pie until you stop doing what she wants. Then she hates you forever, and always has something nasty to throw your way.

I'm just exhausted. I'm glad AH is in detox, but I'm also terrified. I'm hoping it will be a more positive experience than the other times. I'm afraid it will be awful like the other place, or his fear and anxiety will make him perceive it as such. I'm hurt that it costs so damn much money to get help. I'm angry with my mil for her usual antics. I'm about to go to sleep, but just needed somewhere to write all this crap down.

Thanks for listening

PuppyLove70

I hope you are taking care of yourself. How are you doing?

Cookie314

A lot better now, thank you. The detox facility he went to was a lot better than the one he had the bad experience in. I think it helped him a lot more, and he actually completed the full 5 days . Since that point, we've talked a bit more, and have our first family group counseling tonight. Hopefully it will be something we both find helpful.

As for me, my mindset has improved quite a bit. I was tired and overwhelmed when i posted, so it helped to vent a bit. Over the course of the 5 days AH was on detox, I focused on taking care of the kitty and doing small chores but otherwise staying low key with stuff I enjoy (ie: video games). It was a nice break, though a bit lonely.

It has been helping to try communicating more, but not pushing it so hard. I struggle on that front, because my mom and sister are both very similar to me when dealing with emotional stress, in that we really seek out outside comfort and assistance. My AH is the opposite of that, in that he kind of turns inward for introspection. I have a hard time remembering that just because he isn't really in the mood to talk at one time, doesn't mean it's because he is angry with me or something. (Though I still believe opening up more will help him down the road).

Otherwise I'm doing well. Making steady progress on organizing our house, and setting time aside to just relax as well.

Bekindalways

Heya Cookie, good to hear that you came through this last crisis alright and that you have gotten some time in to relax.

I haven't followed your story so I don't know if you have looked into Alanon yet. It certainly isn't for everyone but it can be a lifesaver for some people.

You may know that it is usually recommended to develop a plan for yourself if the drinking continues. It is possible that your husband will enter into permanent recovery; however, that is not guaranteed so it is good to start looking at what you want to do in the future.

Please let us know how you get on and take care of yourself.

trailmix

I'm glad to hear that things have settled a bit for you.

I hear what you are saying about someone who doesn't open up much. Some people, especially males (as I'm sure you know!) are wired that way. Thing is, maybe it's not you that he needs to talk to so much but a group of peers (like AA) or his own counsellor. I guess I'm saying he may not discuss it with you, but perhaps he discusses things in his own counselling sessions?

Sometimes it's best if we leave the recovery to the professionals and the person involved. People can feel intruded upon or pushed. Do you get that feeling from him at all?

Cookie314

Yeah, he is definitely a very private person. I do find more success when i back off a bit, and give talking to each other a more gentle touch. He talks about it too me a bit, but I think struggles with not knowing what to say.

I have tried a couple al anon meetings, but didn't really like them because they were very formulaic and religion focused. It didn't really feel like there was ever a good time to talk.

that being said, the detox my husband went to is part of a larger rehab center, and they have meetings once a week for the families of addicts. I've enjoyed those group meetings much more.

I'm not really sure what my game plan would be if he started drinking again. We have a house together now, it would be financially devastating to us to leave it, and I'm not sure if leaving would be the right answer. I don't know what sort of plans to make in that case.