Cb923

Hi I am new to all of this as I never grew up in an alcoholic household. After meeting my fiancé I knew that he was a drinker and went out but as time went on his drinking became more and more of a problem and caused a lot of issues in our relationship. At one point I told him that I thought that he should calm down on the drinking and the amount he was drinking. He agreed and he started to drink the nonalcoholic beers. Come to find out later that he lied and he also was drinking regular beers on top of the nonalcoholic beers behind my back. My fiancé and I were together for almost a year and a half and about six months ago or I should say about four months ago actually, he had an incident where he was drinking by himself and was so drunk he could not walk and fell down the stairs. I had an intervention with him and told him that he needed to get help and to go to a rehab center or else he was not allowed to be with me anymore. I have a son who is three years old and that is my number one priority and I wanted to make sure that my fiancé would get the help that he needed so that he would never go back to drinking again because he is such a good guy with me and my son and I was watching him slip away day by day with the binge drinking and it broke my heart.

fast forward and he was in rehab and we did the whole couples therapy sessions, at least two or three of them while he was in rehab and he seemed to be in great spirits and wanted to continue with the couples therapy after he got out. When he got out I let him back into my house because I wanted to obviously work on things as we were engaged and going to get married this June. He was in good spirits when he got back but obviously he was different because he was completely sober. It was an adjustment for me as I needed to gain his trust back and he knew that and also I wanted to get that trust back fully and feel confident with myself to be back to a normal relationship like how we used to be in the beginning of our relationship. He seemed to understand that at first and on and off throughout these past couple months but things took a different path and he seemed not to understand where I was coming from emotionally and not understanding my emotional recovery and he was getting very impatient with me (I wasn’t being intimate on his level) and he decided to end the engagement and the wedding with me.

backtracking though, I was going through a period of anxiety and a few panic attacks the past months he has been back from rehab as he knew I was busy working full time, having my son full time, going to school online and trying to deal with how I am going to get his trust back....it’s not like we never did anything. We would have our games nights and watch movies together when we had the time...and also kept attending the Al-Non meetings. It’s only been two months since he has been back and I am trying to figure out how all of this transpired so quickly to where we are at currently. He also refused to go to couples therapy as he mentioned that he was scared of getting hurt again (not sure what that means).

I told him that it is unfortunate because I stayed with him this whole time while he had his alcohol addiction issues and pushed him into getting help at the rehab center... and all I asked from him was to please be patient for a little bit longer while I worked on my recovery with all of this. And to also work on OUR recovery. I have no closure and he has moved back in with his mom who is an enabler and would make excuses as to why he drank all the time. Is this typical behavior of a newly recovered addict? I can use some advice on all of this.

Cookie314

I don't have much experience for someone who is "recovered" since my husband is still in the early stages of his journey, but from what I've read on other posts here and such, recovery is a very self- centered issue for both parties. Both of you will need time to essentially rediscover yourselves with this new aspect of your identity. Things may never go back to the way they were, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It might be easier for both of you to be separated during this time, too focus on yourselves and your kid.

That being said, I realize how painful it is to suddenly lose someone you love, and crave that companionship, familiarity, and intimacy. It's totally normal to want things to go back to an earlier point of the relationship, and it can be hard to remember the red flags you felt at the time, because they feel so much smaller than the big things that have gone wrong in the present.

Maybe you will be able to begin anew at some point, and forge a new relationship together. Maybe in time you'll realize that breaking it off was actually for the better, there's no way to know. For the present though, instead of focusing on his recovery, focus on yours. Talk to your group about your feelings, and to others who have experienced similar. Reach out for a personal therapist, and find other things that are personally enriching, separate from your relationship.

In the heat of the moment it's understandable to just want him back, and to "go back to normal." Just take some time to gather your thoughts and focus on yourself for a bit. I sometimes find out helpful to do things like write a pro/ con list for staying apart vs together for example. A tool to help you look at the situation more critically and rationally, stuff like that.

You've got this though. Take care of yourself and your kid, one day at a time.

NahAn

Hi! After reading your story, I’m shocked by how similar it is to mine. My XAF also drank non-alcoholic beer for a little since he loved the taste of beer. I tried, just like you, everything I could think of. Have him drink non-alcoholic beer, then when he was sober for a few months (or so I thought) we started having a glass of wine before bed when our 3 year old was asleep. That turned into every night and into more than a glass. Eventually I get home and he was already wasted.
We broke up and he hasn’t asked to see his kid for almost two weeks. I am beyond shocked because he was always so caring and always said he loved him more than anything.
I can only assume he’s drinking again and probably loves the freedom. I want closure, I want to scream at him. How can he abandon his child like that? But what’s the point? Do I even believe anything he would say? Actions speak louder than words!!
Sorry I am of no help, but just know that there’s others with very similar experiences.
We were looking for a new place to live, I was pregnant again. We were planning to get married. And then he got drunk again by himself at a bar and drove home.

SparkleKitty

I think a more appropriate way to describe him is "newly recovering" as opposed to "newly recovered." Recovery is not an event. It's a process, and the early days of it can be incredibly selfish. Put upon that the expectations of an romantic relationship or partnership and things can get hairy indeed.

It is excellent that you recognize that you, too, are in need of recovery from the trauma of living with active addiction. It is said that couples who have the best chance of making it through addiction and/or codependence are the ones who each focus on their own recoveries and each keep to their own sides of the street.

From what you describe, however, he does not sound engaged in a program recovery so much as he's just...not-drinking. Sobriety, while essential to recovery, isn't the same thing.

Cb923

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I should also mention that when he picked up his mail last week I asked him to please explain why he is doing this so abruptly. I felt like I was being blamed for EVERYTHING. More backstory on him...he is 40 and has never lived away from his moms house. I was the first person he lived with after his rehab. The rehab center acknowledged that his mom is an enabler as she makes excuses as to why he drinks and basically babies him.

from our conversation when he grabbed his mail last week, he wanted me to explain my past trauma (multiple sexual traumatic experiences that occurred more than ten years ago) so that he can understand why I have not been on his level of intamacy. He explained his way of feeling love is by intamacy and he was becoming very impatient. He also explained that my anxiety has been scary to him and my recent panic attack (I kicked him out because he was raising his voice and reading me the twelve steps and wouldn’t stop...crazy right?), he went on to say that he did everything around the house (which we shared our own chores), he explained I was a gold digger (when in fact everything he paid for was like for groceries or items like dinner dates, half of our wedding, I did not ask him to pay for as he did this on his own terms and willingness). He told me I take everything so personally, I can’t take constructive criticism, list goes on..

I felt very defeated. I gave up trying to explain what I was going through and I WANTED to get to that happy normal life with him but I was stuck. I didn’t know how and I felt very frustrated with myself (hence the anxiety) It felt Like I was the ultimate reason why he just left us in the dust from everything he was saying to me last week. I felt no sympathy for my recovery and what I was going through. I know we are all not perfect and there are some things that I could maybe have changed, but this is all new to me.

thank you everyone for listening and sorry for the vent and rant.

dandylion

Cb.......at bottom line---I say that you do not need validation from him. You need your own inner confidence and self-esteem.
Live by what you know---not by what he says.
For example---if he says that the refrigerator is bue, and, you know it is white---go with what you know to be true.
If he blames you for something that you KNOW is untrue----do not accept it as true. ********And, even m ore importantly, DO NOT expect him to change his mind or agree with you. This is soooo important, because what he accuses you of---the untrue and unfair things---are his own defense mechanisms and have nothing to do with you. He HAS to blame someone---and, it sure as He** isn't going to be himself!

I remember, so well, that, in my first marriage (the one to the father of my three children), that I got no validation from him, whatsoever, In fact , it was a long (6 yrs) string of daily put downs and criticisms. I knew that he was wrong about me....and, there was ample evidence that the rest of the world did not think poorly of me---in fact, just the opposite. I knew that he would never change--I gave up all hope of that, and I divorced him.
Thank God that I did. To this day---severa decades later---I hear, through the grapevine, that he hasn't changed one molecule. He still believes that I "ruined" the marriage by being a totally inadequate person and defective in every way....lol.
I, eventually, came to have another husband who was sooo wonderful and who enriched my life and never did tear me down.

This is a basic truth-----The one who hurts will not be the one who heals you

BlondTheory

You seem to be very strong in your knowledge that you need to focus on yourself, Cb, and prioritize your own recovery. I admire that so much. I think that if you keep trusting your gut and keep doing what you know you need to do for you, everything else will eventually fall into place. You can't control his relationship with his mother. You can't control how much intimacy he feels he's owed right now -- you can just keep setting boundaries as to what you will or will not accept. Panic attacks are the body's way of telling us we're dealing with too much. So keep only the necessities, and if that means taking a ton of space from him right now, then do it. Without guilt or shame, because you're prioritizing your own physical health.

velma929

I'm of the opinion that a person who has never lived on his/her own and cut the crusts of his/her own sammies is generally a poor choice for a spouse, whether or not booze is involved.

It's interesting that physical intimacy would be such a big part of his life, considering he still lives with Mommy. Color me skeptical. Maybe it's all cool with Mommy, but as a woman, if someone invited me to a sleepover when his parents were home, I'd pass.

It all sounds like putting the blame on you so he has an excuse to end it and go back to drinking as much as he wants. He tried, it was too hard and most important it wasn't something HE wanted, it was an ultimatum issued by you. I think you were right in your gut, to realize this wasn't a lifestyle that was healthy. But ultimatums hardly ever work - only in the few cases when someone was ready, anyway.

People talk about closure a lot these days. I don't think we get it from others. How often is ending a relationship a mutual decision? Does any degree of talking it over make it easier for a person who didn't want it to end?

trailmix

Hi Cb923, glad you came over to this forum too.

The part you said above, really stood out to me. I thought, why would she? Who is he to criticize you. There are a lot of issues here but just looking at this one, why is he trying to give you constructive criticism? Is he your teacher? Your Dad? Your mentor or counsellor? Is his life so put together and his history so impeccable that he has so many words of wisdom to share if only you would listen!

Bottom line, if this comment is bothering you, along with his other criticism, please disregard them. They are not worth even thinking about. What he is really saying is - I don't like the way you are behaving because it doesn't work for ME so you need to change so I can be happy. Now that's a recipe for disaster.

On the flipside, telling an alcoholic to quit drinking (change who they are for you) and him attempting that is kind of a recipe for disaster too. To the outside world this may look like a great idea, who thinks alcoholism is a good thing? He is probably holding a lot of resentment (as well as being confused in early sobriety, if he is in fact still sober). He is who he is. It's great he had a swipe at sobriety, maybe it will stick, maybe not, but that's not your problem now (and really never was). You asked him to change and he did, but it just didn't pan out the way you hoped.

Because living with an alcoholic is not what you wanted, which many can relate to! That said, it is up to him to get sober or not. It's really important to accept people the way they are and not put our expectations on them. You can't really love someone's "potential".

Also many believe if an alcoholic will just quit drinking, all will be well. Rarely that is the case. Their world is turned upside down and that change is hard to deal with (in a nutshell).

It's possible you never would get to that place of being trusting of him or being comfortable. You cannot force something like that and maybe he was just wrong for you.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).