Hard time moving on...
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 9
Hard time moving on...
I was in a brief relationship with an alcoholic I knew from high school (we're both in our early 40s now, and divorced) and I'm having a really hard time moving on from it.
He basically love-bombed me in the beginning, making it seem as though he had had a crush on me back in high school (who knows if he really did -- but I was super cute back then, and am still cute now). But then the red flags started waving like crazy. He told me he loved me right away in a drunken video he texted me at 4 a.m. after a night out of heavy drinking (who does that in their 40s?!). He talked about moving in together right away. Meanwhile, he had crazy apartment drama that kept spiraling more and more out of control -- it became more and more apparent that it was being caused by bad credit due to a foreclosure situation with a former house. Needless to say, I ended the relationship after a mere few months of this crap. But not long after, I was sort of reeling and still felt like I needed answers, so I googled him and found a missing persons report on a local news website in his city that seemed to indicate he had gone on a several-days-long bender. (His "last seen" location listed on the missing persons report was the same block as the bar he hangs out at practically every single night. It says he disappeared around midnight).
If all of this weren't bad enough, I found out that right after we ended things, he started dating someone right away -- someone he was introduced to by the owners of the bar who very likely reported him missing when he went on his bender. Now they're living together. And even though I ended things and I know that he's a crazy alcoholic, this hurts. Deeply.
I don't know why. I guess part of me was open to the relationship (he pursued me heavily in the beginning, even though I was initially hesitant) because of our shared past and history. Part of me truly believed the love-bombing, and I suppose I felt like I was special to him because of our shared history. And then -- poof! -- he's with someone else and that person is now "the most amazing person he's ever met." I know that he probably moved on quickly because I kept making it very clear that I was noticing his issues with alcohol, and that I wasn't cool with it. But, still, how does a person jump into a new relationship right away as though you never existed or meant anything to them?
He basically love-bombed me in the beginning, making it seem as though he had had a crush on me back in high school (who knows if he really did -- but I was super cute back then, and am still cute now). But then the red flags started waving like crazy. He told me he loved me right away in a drunken video he texted me at 4 a.m. after a night out of heavy drinking (who does that in their 40s?!). He talked about moving in together right away. Meanwhile, he had crazy apartment drama that kept spiraling more and more out of control -- it became more and more apparent that it was being caused by bad credit due to a foreclosure situation with a former house. Needless to say, I ended the relationship after a mere few months of this crap. But not long after, I was sort of reeling and still felt like I needed answers, so I googled him and found a missing persons report on a local news website in his city that seemed to indicate he had gone on a several-days-long bender. (His "last seen" location listed on the missing persons report was the same block as the bar he hangs out at practically every single night. It says he disappeared around midnight).
If all of this weren't bad enough, I found out that right after we ended things, he started dating someone right away -- someone he was introduced to by the owners of the bar who very likely reported him missing when he went on his bender. Now they're living together. And even though I ended things and I know that he's a crazy alcoholic, this hurts. Deeply.
I don't know why. I guess part of me was open to the relationship (he pursued me heavily in the beginning, even though I was initially hesitant) because of our shared past and history. Part of me truly believed the love-bombing, and I suppose I felt like I was special to him because of our shared history. And then -- poof! -- he's with someone else and that person is now "the most amazing person he's ever met." I know that he probably moved on quickly because I kept making it very clear that I was noticing his issues with alcohol, and that I wasn't cool with it. But, still, how does a person jump into a new relationship right away as though you never existed or meant anything to them?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Blondtheory,
Sorry for what brings you here. I'm going to guess your having a hard time moving on cause what he did, did not make any sense to you. How could someone who professes their love for you, jump into a new relationship in a blink of an eye. For the alcoholic it's looking for the path of least resistance. They will either convince you that you have the issue with alcohol and they don't have no problem with it. In this case he could see you had issues with his drinking and found someone who was fine with drinking their life away. I know it hurts and is confusing the way he acted. But with time the hurt will fade. You can gets lots of knowledge here about alcoholics and the way they behave. I had no clue until I came hear and learned from all the helpful people here. Keep being strong and have a great day.
Sorry for what brings you here. I'm going to guess your having a hard time moving on cause what he did, did not make any sense to you. How could someone who professes their love for you, jump into a new relationship in a blink of an eye. For the alcoholic it's looking for the path of least resistance. They will either convince you that you have the issue with alcohol and they don't have no problem with it. In this case he could see you had issues with his drinking and found someone who was fine with drinking their life away. I know it hurts and is confusing the way he acted. But with time the hurt will fade. You can gets lots of knowledge here about alcoholics and the way they behave. I had no clue until I came hear and learned from all the helpful people here. Keep being strong and have a great day.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'd say if you're desperately looking for a relationship like he was, anyone will do.
Don't take it personally. He felt he was free when you broke up with him, so he found someone else. It's pretty easy to do. There's always a "next" for some people and I don't think it's even about alcoholism - though being chemically altered certainly makes true emotion elusive.
Sex and relationships can also be addictions. Many people go from one to the next with no pause in between. In a self-serving way it's a good way to cover the pain of the loss.
Don't take it personally. He felt he was free when you broke up with him, so he found someone else. It's pretty easy to do. There's always a "next" for some people and I don't think it's even about alcoholism - though being chemically altered certainly makes true emotion elusive.
Sex and relationships can also be addictions. Many people go from one to the next with no pause in between. In a self-serving way it's a good way to cover the pain of the loss.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BlondTheiory.....there are a gazillion reason/ways a person can be messed up in the head. There are books written about It. It is impossible to write a whole study of human behavior, here...lol.
People who are like this are horrible at dealing with relationships. You have felt the burn of this. You could spend the rest of you time agonizing about the why his head works the way it does----you can agonize forever, and you still won't have any specific answers and you won't feel any better, either.
It is more beneficial to yourself to consider why you were so vulnerable to "love bombing". Doing your own self examination. self examination can be painful, sometimes,but we all have to do it from time to time to keep ourselves centered and to keep from sliding off into a ditch.
Of course it hurts. Whatever we pour ourselves into, and lose, always causes us grief reaction and we have to go through the pain of the loss, We even grieve the loss of things that were bad for us, if we poured ourselves into it. It is about the fantasy or dream of what it could have been.
The next woman that he is love bombing will be just a bandaid for his troubled ego. Just a tool for him. Remember that it has nothing---absolutely to do about what you are or are not.
Some of our biggest lessons in life are learned through the painfull School of Experience..
People who are like this are horrible at dealing with relationships. You have felt the burn of this. You could spend the rest of you time agonizing about the why his head works the way it does----you can agonize forever, and you still won't have any specific answers and you won't feel any better, either.
It is more beneficial to yourself to consider why you were so vulnerable to "love bombing". Doing your own self examination. self examination can be painful, sometimes,but we all have to do it from time to time to keep ourselves centered and to keep from sliding off into a ditch.
Of course it hurts. Whatever we pour ourselves into, and lose, always causes us grief reaction and we have to go through the pain of the loss, We even grieve the loss of things that were bad for us, if we poured ourselves into it. It is about the fantasy or dream of what it could have been.
The next woman that he is love bombing will be just a bandaid for his troubled ego. Just a tool for him. Remember that it has nothing---absolutely to do about what you are or are not.
Some of our biggest lessons in life are learned through the painfull School of Experience..
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Hi. I have joined the board for a similar story. Apart from mines 8 months sober and doesn't do anything other than work and sleep. He also love bombed me fast. He loved me within 6 weeks. Gifts. I was the one. He's never felt like he does about me, about anyone. Not even his ex he loved for ten years.
Soon started to see he was allover the place emotionally. Rubbish with money. Never got food in. Rubbish routine when off work. Sleeping the day away. Cant handle any concerns thrown at him. Expects you to never doubt him even though he is behaving like an unreliable teenager.
We split Monday due to him telling me he was sick of me doubting the future. But I'm back talking to him. Just messages and phone calls. No interest in pursuing anything else with him. I feel stronger. Because Monday made me realise what a messy person he is.i almost felt comforted Tuesday after just one day of not being on high alert? But because he can be wonderful and loving with me I'm a little stupid still.
As for other women. He's 2 years out of his last relationship. She is an attractive women. In some ways I look at her and feel she's better than me. I know they split because of his depression and things. But he's also blamed her for going on holidays with her mates. I can sense alot in my gut about what happened with them. He insists he would never go back. He claims he didn't fancy her etc. But I don't buy it. Her photos are everywhere still. She is brought up several times a week. They have the occasional cuppa. When we first met he said she sometimes went around for dinner. I feel like he lost her due to who he is and he's never recovered from it. I do feel like she's a rash allover us. Which isn't truly her fault. It's just he let me know about her straight away and sometimes when he talks fondly about her I feel like saying, done things are not for the new girlfriend to hear. I have at times felt like he hopes I can fill her shoes. He also confessed to having a one night stand with an old school flame 2 years ago. He claimed he didn't want her like that. At christmas she was texting him saying she loved him so much!! They are also in their 40s. I'm in my mid 30s .
I understand how you feel. Because for us it doesn't make sense. We know this isn't how you behave. You shouldn't want a love interest to see you like that. It is hard not to hurt. You are hurt and are remembering how good he made you feel. I guess he was over compensating for his real self.
Soon started to see he was allover the place emotionally. Rubbish with money. Never got food in. Rubbish routine when off work. Sleeping the day away. Cant handle any concerns thrown at him. Expects you to never doubt him even though he is behaving like an unreliable teenager.
We split Monday due to him telling me he was sick of me doubting the future. But I'm back talking to him. Just messages and phone calls. No interest in pursuing anything else with him. I feel stronger. Because Monday made me realise what a messy person he is.i almost felt comforted Tuesday after just one day of not being on high alert? But because he can be wonderful and loving with me I'm a little stupid still.
As for other women. He's 2 years out of his last relationship. She is an attractive women. In some ways I look at her and feel she's better than me. I know they split because of his depression and things. But he's also blamed her for going on holidays with her mates. I can sense alot in my gut about what happened with them. He insists he would never go back. He claims he didn't fancy her etc. But I don't buy it. Her photos are everywhere still. She is brought up several times a week. They have the occasional cuppa. When we first met he said she sometimes went around for dinner. I feel like he lost her due to who he is and he's never recovered from it. I do feel like she's a rash allover us. Which isn't truly her fault. It's just he let me know about her straight away and sometimes when he talks fondly about her I feel like saying, done things are not for the new girlfriend to hear. I have at times felt like he hopes I can fill her shoes. He also confessed to having a one night stand with an old school flame 2 years ago. He claimed he didn't want her like that. At christmas she was texting him saying she loved him so much!! They are also in their 40s. I'm in my mid 30s .
I understand how you feel. Because for us it doesn't make sense. We know this isn't how you behave. You shouldn't want a love interest to see you like that. It is hard not to hurt. You are hurt and are remembering how good he made you feel. I guess he was over compensating for his real self.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 9
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. What each of you are saying resonates a lot.
Ironwill, yes, you are totally right when you say that what he did didn't make sense. And, yes, I think he did choose the path of least resistance. He definitely made it clear throughout the relationship that he's very committed to his drinking and partying, though I think the reason it's also been somewhat hard to wrap my head around -- why there's cognitive dissonance -- is that he also went to great lengths to hide the extent of the problem from me and 'normalize' it, which I imagine is also pretty standard alcoholic behavior. So on some level he's very aware that he has a problem, and yet on another level he's committed to continuing on the same destructive path.
Biminiblue -- Yes, what you said is very true and insightful. I got the sense that on some level he was trying to use me, or the idea of me or the 'relationship' itself, to regulate his emotions, or to try to distract himself from the chaos that was swirling more and more around him, until it finally turned into a tornado. He might very well be a love/relationship addict on top of being an alcoholic. Who knows. Though at this point I think that the new woman is being used mostly to provide a place to live (the apartment drama ended up coming to a head right as we broke up, and I think he can't rent a place on his own due to bad credit). So in this case, the love-bombing is being used for very practical, survival purposes. Sad.
Dandylion -- Thank you. You are talking sense. I know this. This is definitely isn't my first rodeo with an addict, and I've done Al-Anon prior to this, but I've been lapsing over the past few years. I was particularly vulnerable due to some family circumstances (a loved one has been ill) and, I think, due to the fact that I sort of illogically believed that I could trust this person mainly due his being from my past/my hometown, though there's no reason that I should have made that leap in my thinking.
Ironwill, yes, you are totally right when you say that what he did didn't make sense. And, yes, I think he did choose the path of least resistance. He definitely made it clear throughout the relationship that he's very committed to his drinking and partying, though I think the reason it's also been somewhat hard to wrap my head around -- why there's cognitive dissonance -- is that he also went to great lengths to hide the extent of the problem from me and 'normalize' it, which I imagine is also pretty standard alcoholic behavior. So on some level he's very aware that he has a problem, and yet on another level he's committed to continuing on the same destructive path.
Biminiblue -- Yes, what you said is very true and insightful. I got the sense that on some level he was trying to use me, or the idea of me or the 'relationship' itself, to regulate his emotions, or to try to distract himself from the chaos that was swirling more and more around him, until it finally turned into a tornado. He might very well be a love/relationship addict on top of being an alcoholic. Who knows. Though at this point I think that the new woman is being used mostly to provide a place to live (the apartment drama ended up coming to a head right as we broke up, and I think he can't rent a place on his own due to bad credit). So in this case, the love-bombing is being used for very practical, survival purposes. Sad.
Dandylion -- Thank you. You are talking sense. I know this. This is definitely isn't my first rodeo with an addict, and I've done Al-Anon prior to this, but I've been lapsing over the past few years. I was particularly vulnerable due to some family circumstances (a loved one has been ill) and, I think, due to the fact that I sort of illogically believed that I could trust this person mainly due his being from my past/my hometown, though there's no reason that I should have made that leap in my thinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 9
Popsy, I'm sorry you're going through this. As the other folks have pointed out, a lot of times alcoholics just move on because it seems like it's easier than changing. If your partner is indeed still hung up on his ex, it very likely has to do with the same issues you're experiencing in your relationship with him. She got tired of it, let go, and moved on. The one-night stand with the old classmate was probably about distracting himself from this fact. However, none of this means that you're unworthy of someone who truly loves you. It just means that this man is messed up, and somewhat broken. He is one man, in a sea of many.
A lot happens in 10 years, too -- people in their 40s who are screwed up often have a lot more baggage than people in their 30s. You might want to think about moving on from this guy, too, and finding someone who's more capable of giving you the love you deserve.
A lot happens in 10 years, too -- people in their 40s who are screwed up often have a lot more baggage than people in their 30s. You might want to think about moving on from this guy, too, and finding someone who's more capable of giving you the love you deserve.
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