Greensoul3982

I am holding it together but I'm not sure how. My fiance of 4 years made me leave our home since I could not afford it on my own and we were locked in a lease. He relapsed on alcohol in June of last year. He had been sober for five years maybe six. He proceeded to drink and drive, have black outs , and even got pulled over with an open container going 120 miles per hour. Would you believe me if I told you they let him go because it was Christmas. He is quite the charmer. Our fighting was over the top. The anger and resentment got so bad I moved into the spare bedroom. I felt trapped in hell and scared out of my mind for his life and our future. He came home in November and told me he was getting his own place, that we were no longer a good fit, and that he did not see a future with me. I was sobbing and begging him to not do this. I was forced to move from Tulsa to Fort Worth so I could stay with my dad. I wasn't working because I was in school and I have been sick with long haul covid. I couldn't afford to keep my own damn apartment because I made life choices thinking he would be in my life because we were planning on spending the rest of our lives together. He had also started gambling again after staying away for over two years. He said I was lazy, pathetic, and a fat ass. I have an eating disorder and gained the 100 pounds that I had lot earlier in our relationship. My mother died over a year ago and I have been a shell of a human ever since sufffering major depression. He has relapsed and walked out on our life when I needed him the most. He said I never did anything and caused him too much stress. He says we will never be together again. I have been a complete basket case for two months. He said he was blind to his unhappiness and is now seeing everything clearly. This is the same man who professes his undying love and devotion to me every chance he gets to complete strangers. He works the third shift and has been severely sleep deprived for 7 years. I was afraid this day would come but I never dreamed he would end our relationship. He is cold as ice to me now. Just spewing anger and hate towards me. I mean he is done with me. I am bewildered and crushed beyond measure.

velma929

I am so sorry for your situation and for the loss of your Mom.

This is what addicted people do. It has nothing to do with their partners. It you had been earning a million bucks a year and were rail thin, he'd have manufactured *some* excuse to leave. Heck, I think I read (on this forum) that someone's alcoholic qualifier found AA meetings "triggering." Sounds like an excuse not to go, to me.

The choices you made: they were made with you evaluating the best information you had - at that time. None of us have crystal balls.
But now: you're no longer trapped, he has seen to that. You no longer have to be afraid. You no longer have to isolate yourself in another room because of his temper, rants, and irritability. You have been freed from an alcoholic and problem gambler.

His sleep deprivation is something he should have taken up with a doctor six years and six months ago. He didn't. Millions of people work third shift, or rotate to different shifts from month to month, and are able to make it work. You probably have some idea of what he was doing when he should have been sleeping.

I know you're hurting now. It was ages before I felt real forgiveness toward the man who had dumped me. I'm petty though. Chances are, you'll do better. For now I can tell you this, as someone who clung to an alcoholic for 25 years: Starting over where you are is easier than starting over in your 40s 50s or sixties when your lives and finances have been intertwined for decades. It doesn't seem like it NOW, but someday you'll see it that way.

Take care of *yourself.* Long haul covid is a beast. Post here whenever you need to vent.

trailmix

Hi greensoul. So sorry to hear of your troubles.

You know, what velma said about being rail thin and earning a million dollars a year, that's the truth of it. Please don't take his insults to heart, they are meaningless.

Addiction, by its very nature, is hugely selfish (selfishly selfish!). You can't have addiction like that without focusing on yourself and your drug (not necessarily in that order). What he is doing is defending that addiction. It's not me, I'm not drinking and driving myself while being black out drunk putting other people in danger and ruining my life, it's her! If she wasn't this or that or didn't do this or that, I would be fine!

You probably know deep down that he isn't speaking the real truth, or anything resembling honesty or logic, but it may well be his truth because addiction is also a disease that requires delusion. If it isn't you, then it's what, him? And if it's him what does that mean? That his behaviour is incredibly horrible and he's an alcoholic and needs to quit drinking and straighten up his life? See what I mean. Much easier (and safer for the addiction) to just blame you.

What he wants now is to drink and unfortunately that is just exactly what he is going to do until such time as he chooses not to.

Greensoul3982

Thank you Trailmix and Velma929. I really needed to hear what you both had to say. I don't feel alone or hopeless because of your support. I am afraid he is going to come back at some point and ask to start over. How could I ever trust him again. Can alcohol really make someone's personality change this much?

dandylion

Greensoul......to answer your question-----Yes, alcohol can absolutely change a person this much. It can destroy a person physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Mashabo

Greensoul, I am really sorry for your pain. I know it hurts a lot, I’m going through break up too. I know how it feels when the person starts acting with you as if they have never even loved you. But remember, you are a kind and strong person, what he thinks and says doesn’t not define you! And I definitely agree with the previous messages, they would come up with any excuse at all to leave you.

SparkleKitty

Greensoul, now is a good time for you to shore up your boundaries around the kind of behavior you will tolerate from a potential romantic partner. That way, whether or not he decides to come back, you are prepared.

Sending you strength and patience; I know it's hard right now.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Green Soul

So sorry to read of your situation. I have Long Covid too, has been heck of a journey.

As other members have said, his relapse is nothing to do with anything you have done or not done. Alkies always blame someone else for their own poor decisions. It is just what they do.

All the best to you.

Kimbog5657

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I've learned that the alcoholic will always point at/blame others. As long as they can keep the "spotlight" off them and on others, they don't have to look at themselves. We also will shrink away with our tails between our legs because "its our fault". Alcoholism is not a fault. We are not so powerful that we can cause them to drink or NOT to drink. It's a denial and manipulation tactic they use to ease their own guilt/shame.