Achnasheen

Hi, just popping in with an update...
I realized months ago that I needed to be closer to my family - I needed more positivity and support. So AH and I sold our property this spring, and bought a new home closer to my mom - closer to his family too. I've been able to visit my mom several times and it's so wonderful to be closer to her and other family - having their love and support, and just sharing some laughter.
I found a job, and have my own car - much more independent and financially stable.
AH was staying at his old job, supposed to be until at least the spring, possibly for 2 years until he retired, and just making a trip here to visit every couple of months.
I thoroughly enjoyed living by myself, having the peace and quiet. Not missing his noise, mess and temper.
But he had an old injury flare up, and is now off work on disability and has moved here with me. He insists that he is not an alcoholic, and will go several days without drinking, then will drink a half-dozen beer at a time, several days in a row, or open a bottle of wine to cook with and drink the rest, or start his morning with baileys and coffee. Not drinking as much as he was, but still too much for a man with heart disease. But that's his issue, and I leave him to it.
Adjustment to sharing space again is hard, I am finding it difficult. I leave the room when his temper flares over something, or when I just need some quiet. I sleep in another room when his snoring and twitching keep me awake.
I'm in counselling again and learning about codependance- podcasts, reading, and my counsellor recommends that I join a CoDa meeting - I'm working up the nerve to do that, still in the "circling the building" stage
I feel like I've made big steps towards turning my focus from AH to myself, and living my own life. But today, he's away for the day, and I'm experiencing pretty severe anxiety which is frustrating because I wasn't anxious when he wasn't living here and he's only been here for 2 weeks! And I wanted to just completely enjoy the peace of solitude today.
I'm going to go join an online yoga class in a little bit, which should help the anxiety. But am just wondering what experiences others have had - do you spend precious time alone just waiting for your spouse to return?

trailmix

I remember it well, I've never had an alcoholic spouse, but I had an alcoholic Father. So come home after school and wait for him to get home. Would he be drunk? Sober? Happy? Mad? Never knew. Of course when he didn't come home at the regular time, then it was a matter of waiting to hear the car door slam and you knew he was drunk.

It's a horrible thing and it stayed with me for years - I mean up until recently! Whenever someone would come home it was a sinking feeling, regardless of who it was. Terrible.

At some points (for several years) we lived overseas and he would work away from home for 2 weeks then come back for a week. So for the 2 weeks everyone could relax, it was great. That one week back, it just wasn't the same house, it was quiet and tense. Even when he wasn't drinking he barely spoke, he kept to himself and we just all kind of steered clear.

So, I'm sorry you are going through that. Do you plan on staying with him? Sorry if you mentioned that before.

SmallButMighty

It's good to see you doing what you can for yourself. Keep that up.

Just a few years ago I was in your shoes. I know exactly what you are talking about, and yes I cherished my alone time. I had transformed from the giddy "school-girl" waiting impatiently at the front window for his truck to pull into the driveway.... into the bitter woman who was glad he was home alive and hadn't killed himself or someone else on his drunk drive home, but really of rathered he just hadn't come home at all. From the young woman who said she'd never want to be a wife who stayed home alone when the husband went away to work for weeks at a time, to the approaching middle aged woman who was relieved when he got a job that took him away and was happy to see him the first day he got home, but by the second day was ready for him to leave again.

I was really hard being that woman. It's heartbreaking to realize that no matter how much you love your spouse, you don't want to be around them. When he was home, I walked on eggshells, I had anxiety, I was miserable, I didn't get good sleep because of the snoring, leg flopping and fumes coming from my AXH. I spent a lot of nights on the couch. When he was away at work, life was peaceful, calm and predictable. No eggshells, no tension in the air. The house stayed cleaner, despite two teenagers. It's very telling of a problem when one feels better not in the presence of their partner.

I am glad you are "circling the building" regarding CoDa. My daughter is doing Alanon online because of Covid and is loving it. She has a sponser and is working the steps, has made online friends who understand what she has been through and feels a great deal of relief since starting the whole thing. Maybe online meetings is something you could look into as a stepping stone?

Keep chatting with us, we get it! I hope you get an abundance of "you" time so you can unwind and destress.

Achnasheen

Thank you for the clarity Trailmix, it makes perfect sense now that you've said it, that the anxiety is the tension of waiting for him to return so I will know what is happening next - also explains why I kept jumping every time I heard a car door close!
Yes, I am working on my exit plan. I've had a hard time with feeling guilty about leaving but my counsellor put it in perspective when she told me that I can meditate, and do yoga, and work on myself all I want (and it's all good to do) but I will not heal completely as long as I am living with someone who triggers my anxiety, and who consistently shows a lack of compassion and who devalues me. So, I can choose him or I can be healthy.
And omigosh, Smallbutmighty, you've described my life exactly! I feel the same way you do! I'm so sorry you've had to experience that.
Thank you both so much, it really helps to have the kindness and support. <3

SmallButMighty

Achnasheen, yes my friend, I have been there. Unfortunately, in my case, it got much worse before it got better. I developed a horrible anxiety disorder. I had full blown anxiety/panic attacks and anxiety induced insomnia. I had to be medicated just to function. I tried so hard to save my marriage even when it felt like it was killing me. I am glad you are working on an exit plan. I didn't start working on that until I was barely hanging on to my sanity by my fingernails, it was a terrible place to be. I literally cheer out loud when I see people here make better choices faster than I did.

I will tell you what I have told so many other people. Trust your instincts. When someone causes you situational anxiety like that, when they are triggering your most basic fight or flight response... pay attention to that. There is a reason your body is dumping those chemicals (cortisol and adrenaline) into your blood stream. I didn't listen, or rather, I stuffed those instincts for a long time, years, until they were screaming at me so loudly that they were actually, physically, kicking my butt, before I realized I had better pay attention. Those kinds of "instincts" that scream at you to 'RUN!!!' are trying to protect you from what you deep down know to be harmful.

My AXH and I were 16 when we got together, we were 42 when we parted. It was beyond hard on both of us, but it was for the best. I am so much healthier now in every sense of the word. I'm happy, I'm light, I'm focused, and I don't suffer from anxiety. I feel like if I can get to this point, anyone can. Sending lots of strength and good wishes your way Achnasheen!