When do I tell my dad I’m dating a recovering addict?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
When do I tell my dad I’m dating a recovering addict?
Hey friends
I’ve been seeing this guy for only a month- so yes, I know it’s early, but this is something I have to think about. I am 24F, he (the guy) is 27M. My dad knows I am seeing someone but just the bare basics (name, age, location- I live far from home). This guy is doing pretty much everything he can to recover (at least it seems like, I don’t know a ton about addiction). He used heroin consistently for 2 years, checked himself into rehab, was sober for 8 months and was living in a sober living house, relapsed for a day, checked himself back into rehab and then moved back into the house, and just got his 90 day chip. He has meetings every night, has a sponsor, is going to go to therapy soon, is dealing with the emotional problems that drove him to using in the first place, etc. We also live 2 hours from each other which I think is a good thing for both of us at the moment ( I consider myself fairly independent). I’ve been in a fair number of unhealthy relationships and flings, and this is by far the healthiest one I’ve been in, so far. Communication is great, chemistry is great. Anyway, I know I can be supportive of this guy, but my dad... is a little judgmental. He is a bit old school and stigmatizes addiction like many others. So, how long do I wait to tell him? A few months? A year, if we are still together? TYIA.
I’ve been seeing this guy for only a month- so yes, I know it’s early, but this is something I have to think about. I am 24F, he (the guy) is 27M. My dad knows I am seeing someone but just the bare basics (name, age, location- I live far from home). This guy is doing pretty much everything he can to recover (at least it seems like, I don’t know a ton about addiction). He used heroin consistently for 2 years, checked himself into rehab, was sober for 8 months and was living in a sober living house, relapsed for a day, checked himself back into rehab and then moved back into the house, and just got his 90 day chip. He has meetings every night, has a sponsor, is going to go to therapy soon, is dealing with the emotional problems that drove him to using in the first place, etc. We also live 2 hours from each other which I think is a good thing for both of us at the moment ( I consider myself fairly independent). I’ve been in a fair number of unhealthy relationships and flings, and this is by far the healthiest one I’ve been in, so far. Communication is great, chemistry is great. Anyway, I know I can be supportive of this guy, but my dad... is a little judgmental. He is a bit old school and stigmatizes addiction like many others. So, how long do I wait to tell him? A few months? A year, if we are still together? TYIA.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I merged your 2 threads here redroses0 
I don’t know what the relationship is between you and your dad but for me, a month would certainly be a little too soon to expose your boyfriend warts and all.
How long do you wait? Dunno, it’s one of those play by ear things.
Have you considered he may not want to be ‘outed’ as being in recovery anyway, especially to his new girlfriends father?
Why not wait and see where this relationship goes?
D
I don’t know what the relationship is between you and your dad but for me, a month would certainly be a little too soon to expose your boyfriend warts and all.
How long do you wait? Dunno, it’s one of those play by ear things.
Have you considered he may not want to be ‘outed’ as being in recovery anyway, especially to his new girlfriends father?
Why not wait and see where this relationship goes?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by nez 
What is the reason that you feel the need to tell your dad?
well one of them. We are extremely close but I’m not jaded enough to think that that will keep him from judging new guy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Dee74
I merged your 2 threads here redroses0
I don’t know what the relationship is between you and your dad but for me, a month would certainly be a little too soon to expose your boyfriend warts and all.
How long do you wait? Dunno, it’s one of those play by ear things.
Have you considered he may not want to be ‘outed’ as being in recovery anyway, especially to his new girlfriends father?
Why not wait and see where this relationship goes?
D
I don’t know what the relationship is between you and your dad but for me, a month would certainly be a little too soon to expose your boyfriend warts and all.
How long do you wait? Dunno, it’s one of those play by ear things.
Have you considered he may not want to be ‘outed’ as being in recovery anyway, especially to his new girlfriends father?
Why not wait and see where this relationship goes?
D
ETA: I did talk to him about it... we will call my guy “B” for convenience purposes. He seemed to support whatever I decided and told me if I needed any advice or help to think of what to say, to let him know. So that was nice
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I don’t think it’s a lie when the information you have is something deeply personal about another person. It’s more complicated.
I’m an alcoholic in recovery so I will give you that perspective...
I got sober in 2007 so nowadays fine - say whatever you like about me, but honestly I would have been mortified if my gf let her dad know the whole of my history straight up or one month in, mainly because that’s who I was, not who I am now, not the real me.
I think you need to check with your boyfriend first to see if he’s okay with you speaking to your dad about this at some point
I’m an alcoholic in recovery so I will give you that perspective...
I got sober in 2007 so nowadays fine - say whatever you like about me, but honestly I would have been mortified if my gf let her dad know the whole of my history straight up or one month in, mainly because that’s who I was, not who I am now, not the real me.
I think you need to check with your boyfriend first to see if he’s okay with you speaking to your dad about this at some point
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Dee74
I don’t think it’s a lie when the information you have is something deeply personal about another person. It’s more complicated.
I’m an alcoholic in recovery so I will give you that perspective...
I got sober in 2007 so nowadays fine - say whatever you like about me, but honestly I would have been mortified if my gf let her dad know the whole of my history straight up or one month in, mainly because that’s who I was, not who I am now, not the real me.
I think you need to check with your boyfriend first to see if he’s okay with you speaking to your dad about this at some point
I’m an alcoholic in recovery so I will give you that perspective...
I got sober in 2007 so nowadays fine - say whatever you like about me, but honestly I would have been mortified if my gf let her dad know the whole of my history straight up or one month in, mainly because that’s who I was, not who I am now, not the real me.
I think you need to check with your boyfriend first to see if he’s okay with you speaking to your dad about this at some point
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
redroses----I am going to give you some motherly advice. (may be different than the other advice--lol). My first concern is you. You are still in the pink sunglasses stage of the relationship---and you are still young---in the best years of your life to keep growing and having some of the best experiences of your life. I say to give him about 2 years to show you if he can manage genuine recovery. It takes a few years for a n addict to make the kinds of deep changes that it takes to live in recovery for the rest of their lives. Relapse is always a possibility. You have got to know that!
I suggest that you make no permanent promises to him during that time. I think that you should continue to pursue you own goals and adventures, during that time. (he would be better off, also).
As one woman to another---do not make any bindingcommittments---like moving in together. or blending your finances, etc. Don't do anything that involves signing legal papers---lol.
Especially, do not get pregnant. Once another life enters the picture---the complications and consequences increase many, many times over.
I say to date him, if you are a mind to....which, evidently, you are. Have fun. I don't see any reason that you need to tell your dad in the next few months. Your life--your decisions--your consequences.
Of course, your dad is going to want the best for you and will see any potential obstacles to your happiness with skepticism. That is how we parent are and I don't think you can expect anything different from him. Remember, that as an independent peron,you don't have to have agreement with your dad o n everything. Just remember your life--your desisions---and your consequences.
Parents and children can be friends----but, there are still parent/child boundaries.
I suggest that you make no permanent promises to him during that time. I think that you should continue to pursue you own goals and adventures, during that time. (he would be better off, also).
As one woman to another---do not make any bindingcommittments---like moving in together. or blending your finances, etc. Don't do anything that involves signing legal papers---lol.
Especially, do not get pregnant. Once another life enters the picture---the complications and consequences increase many, many times over.
I say to date him, if you are a mind to....which, evidently, you are. Have fun. I don't see any reason that you need to tell your dad in the next few months. Your life--your decisions--your consequences.
Of course, your dad is going to want the best for you and will see any potential obstacles to your happiness with skepticism. That is how we parent are and I don't think you can expect anything different from him. Remember, that as an independent peron,you don't have to have agreement with your dad o n everything. Just remember your life--your desisions---and your consequences.
Parents and children can be friends----but, there are still parent/child boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
You said you didn’t know to much about addiction. Not to put you off or anything but I would advise you read around these forums and find out all you can about it.
He is still new to recovery and it’s so important that you keep your boundaries and educate yourself so you don’t end up in my situation. You can read my posts for context.
He is still new to recovery and it’s so important that you keep your boundaries and educate yourself so you don’t end up in my situation. You can read my posts for context.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by dandylion
redroses----I am going to give you some motherly advice. (may be different than the other advice--lol). My first concern is you. You are still in the pink sunglasses stage of the relationship---and you are still young---in the best years of your life to keep growing and having some of the best experiences of your life. I say to give him about 2 years to show you if he can manage genuine recovery. It takes a few years for a n addict to make the kinds of deep changes that it takes to live in recovery for the rest of their lives. Relapse is always a possibility. You have got to know that!
I suggest that you make no permanent promises to him during that time. I think that you should continue to pursue you own goals and adventures, during that time. (he would be better off, also).
As one woman to another---do not make any bindingcommittments---like moving in together. or blending your finances, etc. Don't do anything that involves signing legal papers---lol.
Especially, do not get pregnant. Once another life enters the picture---the complications and consequences increase many, many times over.
I say to date him, if you are a mind to....which, evidently, you are. Have fun. I don't see any reason that you need to tell your dad in the next few months. Your life--your decisions--your consequences.
Of course, your dad is going to want the best for you and will see any potential obstacles to your happiness with skepticism. That is how we parent are and I don't think you can expect anything different from him. Remember, that as an independent peron,you don't have to have agreement with your dad o n everything. Just remember your life--your desisions---and your consequences.
Parents and children can be friends----but, there are still parent/child boundaries.
I suggest that you make no permanent promises to him during that time. I think that you should continue to pursue you own goals and adventures, during that time. (he would be better off, also).
As one woman to another---do not make any bindingcommittments---like moving in together. or blending your finances, etc. Don't do anything that involves signing legal papers---lol.
Especially, do not get pregnant. Once another life enters the picture---the complications and consequences increase many, many times over.
I say to date him, if you are a mind to....which, evidently, you are. Have fun. I don't see any reason that you need to tell your dad in the next few months. Your life--your decisions--your consequences.
Of course, your dad is going to want the best for you and will see any potential obstacles to your happiness with skepticism. That is how we parent are and I don't think you can expect anything different from him. Remember, that as an independent peron,you don't have to have agreement with your dad o n everything. Just remember your life--your desisions---and your consequences.
Parents and children can be friends----but, there are still parent/child boundaries.
that being sad, I know I can’t predict right off the bat how this is going to turn out- never said I could, and I obviously couldn’t even if he wasn’t a recovering addict. Moving in together and marrying is something years down the line anyway in most relationships, don’t you think? Additionally, I don’t want kids. This topic of conversation was focused on if/when I should inform my dad, who I am very close to. Again, appreciate your input Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Missmac35
You said you didn’t know to much about addiction. Not to put you off or anything but I would advise you read around these forums and find out all you can about it.
He is still new to recovery and it’s so important that you keep your boundaries and educate yourself so you don’t end up in my situation. You can read my posts for context.
He is still new to recovery and it’s so important that you keep your boundaries and educate yourself so you don’t end up in my situation. You can read my posts for context.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Originally Posted by redroses0
i already did, see above.
It gave me a chance to read back again tho and while 90 days recovery for your BF is great, the warnings the other posters are giving you is responsible advice.
wishing you all the best tho
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
redroses-----I wish you the best, also. When/if to tell your dad, is up to you---of course. If he is going to be judgemental, I don't think that time is going to change that, much. You don't have control over your dads reactions, anyway. Even if close, adult children and their parents don't always agree on some things. Some differences of opinion just have to be lived with.
For me, my rule of thumb of what to tell other people about my personal life is by "the need to know" principle. If the information is going to have an impact on THEIR life....then I tell them. Otherwise, there is no need to know.
If I may ask---exactly what is it that you fear, if your dad finds out that your bf is a recovering alcoholic, and is judgemental about it?
for example,---are you afraid, that, sometime down the line, he will say "I told you so!"?
Or, are you afraid that he will withdraw some of his closeness if you do something that he doesn't approve of....
there are m any other possible reasons, of course. Can you articulate your specific fear(s)
For me, my rule of thumb of what to tell other people about my personal life is by "the need to know" principle. If the information is going to have an impact on THEIR life....then I tell them. Otherwise, there is no need to know.
If I may ask---exactly what is it that you fear, if your dad finds out that your bf is a recovering alcoholic, and is judgemental about it?
for example,---are you afraid, that, sometime down the line, he will say "I told you so!"?
Or, are you afraid that he will withdraw some of his closeness if you do something that he doesn't approve of....
there are m any other possible reasons, of course. Can you articulate your specific fear(s)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Hi redroses, glad you found SR.
I'm actually a bit confused. On the one hand you mentioned you don't know much about addiction but when someone suggests reading around the forum you say you have done your own research.
When another poster tries to warn you of some of the pitfalls, you firmly tell them you are here with a question about telling your Dad.
Do I detect a bit of defense here? I ask because, in a relationship with an addict, that will not serve you well. None of us take all the opinions or advice we are given (I hope!) but when you have replies from people who have been where you are or are very familiar with the subject, well you know, it can be wise to maybe ponder it.
You also mention that you consider yourself to be quite independent, then what is the problem with telling your Dad? You are grown up, he will either be ok with it or not, now or later, there is nothing you can do to control his reaction or his feelings on the matter really?
I also wish you well, I also hope you will proceed with caution.
I'm actually a bit confused. On the one hand you mentioned you don't know much about addiction but when someone suggests reading around the forum you say you have done your own research.
When another poster tries to warn you of some of the pitfalls, you firmly tell them you are here with a question about telling your Dad.
Do I detect a bit of defense here? I ask because, in a relationship with an addict, that will not serve you well. None of us take all the opinions or advice we are given (I hope!) but when you have replies from people who have been where you are or are very familiar with the subject, well you know, it can be wise to maybe ponder it.
You also mention that you consider yourself to be quite independent, then what is the problem with telling your Dad? You are grown up, he will either be ok with it or not, now or later, there is nothing you can do to control his reaction or his feelings on the matter really?
I also wish you well, I also hope you will proceed with caution.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by redroses0
i have been doing a fair bit of research of my own. I’m still new to learning about recovery but I am aware of the risks and the potential that this may not work out. Everyone’s experience is different.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Missmac35
when it comes to relationships with addicts it’s surprisingly true that everyone’s experiences are remarkably similar
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Not everyone heals from trauma, whether they be addicts, alcoholics, family members, friends, lovers, or whatever. Also be careful of the trap of judgment when forming your opinions because judgement is very sneaky and claims lots of unwary victims.
I am an alcoholic and have been in recovery for 17 years. During that time I have seen countless examples that people can change and heal, as can relationships. On my journey, I have learned never to say never...except that I just did and did it twice! Also blanket statements always are.
I am an alcoholic and have been in recovery for 17 years. During that time I have seen countless examples that people can change and heal, as can relationships. On my journey, I have learned never to say never...except that I just did and did it twice! Also blanket statements always are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
When do I tell my dad I’m dating a recovering addict?
Right or wrong, I don't know, i just know what my initial response was. My wife knows I am an open book about my alcoholism with no secrets. I just know what my initial response was...and after 17 years of recovery. When we are out in public and someone asks what we would like to drink, she always jumps in with "we don't drink", when that happens, I know what my initial response will be, it will bug me. I can speak for myself. Right or wrong, I don't know, I just know what my initial response will be.
I know that B seemed to support whatever you decide as far as telling your dad. I also know what "this open book" felt like, even after 17 years in recovery. I know that your dad is your best friend, but best friends don't need to know everything. How would you feel if B shared intimate details about you with his best friend? Sometimes the way I think I will feel and react, are not the way I feel and react when reality sets in. Human beings are enigmas.
I sincerely hope this reply proves to be helpful and gives you food for thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by nez
A neighbor stopped me the other day to tell me that a few years back, my wife mentioned to him that I go to AA meetings. I have been sober and in recovery long enough that I don't care who knows that I am an alcoholic. I am an open book. I don't hide it, but I don't shout it from the rooftops either. I am completely comfortable with the fact that I am an alcoholic. Even so, my immediate reaction to the fact that my wife mentioned to a neighbor that I am an AA member, miffed me. What right does she have to do that!!! My being upset quickly passed and I know my wife meant no harm, even so I still feel she overstepped a boundary. She divulged personal information that was my personal not her personal information.
Right or wrong, I don't know, i just know what my initial response was. My wife knows I am an open book about my alcoholism with no secrets. I just know what my initial response was...and after 17 years of recovery. When we are out in public and someone asks what we would like to drink, she always jumps in with "we don't drink", when that happens, I know what my initial response will be, it will bug me. I can speak for myself. Right or wrong, I don't know, I just know what my initial response will be.
I know that B seemed to support whatever you decide as far as telling your dad. I also know what "this open book" felt like, even after 17 years in recovery. I know that your dad is your best friend, but best friends don't need to know everything. How would you feel if B shared intimate details about you with his best friend? Sometimes the way I think I will feel and react, are not the way I feel and react when reality sets in. Human beings are enigmas.
I sincerely hope this reply proves to be helpful and gives you food for thought.
Right or wrong, I don't know, i just know what my initial response was. My wife knows I am an open book about my alcoholism with no secrets. I just know what my initial response was...and after 17 years of recovery. When we are out in public and someone asks what we would like to drink, she always jumps in with "we don't drink", when that happens, I know what my initial response will be, it will bug me. I can speak for myself. Right or wrong, I don't know, I just know what my initial response will be.
I know that B seemed to support whatever you decide as far as telling your dad. I also know what "this open book" felt like, even after 17 years in recovery. I know that your dad is your best friend, but best friends don't need to know everything. How would you feel if B shared intimate details about you with his best friend? Sometimes the way I think I will feel and react, are not the way I feel and react when reality sets in. Human beings are enigmas.
I sincerely hope this reply proves to be helpful and gives you food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Addiction to heroin is extremely serious. If you proceed, I hope you will only do so with great caution. Learn all you can because heroin addiction can be very destructive to all in its path.
I wish I knew what you are being told now, back when I chose to go down my path. I had to learn my lessons the hard way.
I wish I knew what you are being told now, back when I chose to go down my path. I had to learn my lessons the hard way.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
