bruised ego

I know it. I drink way too much. I'm actually scarfing down 1/2 gallon of wine every night. Until last night, I didn't think I was hurting anyone.

What a lie. I literally fell out of my chair last night, and have bruises today to prove it. But worse is that while this happened, my dog cried out as the chair rolled over his paw. OH DEAR GOD!! I can take hurting myself, but not my puppy. This is a dog that never barks or cries, but I hurt him in one second when I was out of control.

I'm a professional, and I've found that I drink earlier and earlier each day, just to get through work. It used to be 6pm, then 5pm, now 4pm. I can't go to any meetings, as I live in a rural area, and there aren't any near my home.

I know my family history, and there are alcoholics in the tree. Now I've just formed a new branch.

After last night, I decided today not to drink, but I started feeling really weird at 5pm. So I took that "hair of the dog" everyone talks about. WTH??? It made me feel better......calmer.

But I don't want to live this way anymore. Dh doesn't even know how much I drink, but he has mentioned it seems I'm drinking more now. He wants me to slow it down.

But I want to stop it!! Completely.

I'm ready to hear all you have to say. Yes, I know I'm addicted, and am a Type A person who needs to be in control all of the time. But I realized when I hurt myself and my pup last night.........I am not in control at all.

Please give me insight??? I want to stop, really........

Doug

Welcome to Soberrecovery BE, you just came across a great place for support and understanding.

It might be a good idea to visit a doctor to start off the stopping, as stopping cold turkey can be dangerous, even fatal.

Also check the phone book, there are folks who will come to you to help you get started.

There are many ways, and many people willing to help so you don't have to go it alone, I'd suggest taking advantage of that.

In the meantime, keep reading, keep posting, we're here for you as well.

indigo

welcome ego,
You have found a REAlly greaT PLaCE FOR SUPPORT aND UNCONDITionaL FRIENDSHIP; my keyboaRD NEEDS NEW PILES And aO I HAve no control of my lower aND UPPER CAse lol
indigo

Anna

Hi Bruised,

Welcome!

I ran around for years and years holding on tightly and trying to control my world. I ended up depressed and turned to alcohol. This has been such a liberating experience for me because I know now that I can't control life and I'm enjoying sitting back and experiencing what comes along.

You have to come to a great place if you want to stop drinking as we can offer lots of support and understanding. Try not drinking just for now, just for today. When 4 or 5 pm comes around you need to plan to do something different at that time of the day. Change your routine and do something that takes your mind off drinking, even if just for a little while.

I hope you keep visiting and get to know us.

Anna

katze

My first day posting was yesterday, but this is my fourth attempt at recovery. I too am a professional and I have always liked to have a drink when I get home from work. The problem with that is one glass of wine turns into 2, and so on until the bottle is gone. Then, I will have my husband drive to get me another. Recently, he stopped doing that. So, I would just make sure that I bought enough to last me until I passed out. I would easily drink a half of a gallon to a gallon of wine or anywhere up to 10 rum and diet cokes (because it has less carbs ) on a week night and then go to work with a horrible hangover. I am sure that I have stunk of booze when going in after a night of binging. I just cannot stop until I pass out. Sure, I might actually walk myself to bed and collapse into it, but I stagger the entire way. I rarely remember how I actually got in bed.

About two years ago, it was much worse. Instead of passing out on the couch, I passed out on the floor. OR, I would fall down stairs and pass out at the bottom of them. Luckily, being so drunk, I fell limp and didn't break any bones. I would wake up my neighbor by pounding on the door at 2:00AM to ask him for cigarettes when I couldn't find mine, thus making a fool out of myself and embarrassing my husband. After a few scary and humiliating situations, I decided to try AA. Well, I went and didn't take it very seriously, I have to admit. I cleaned up on my own for a while, then thought I had it licked and went back to drinking, although in moderation. Well, like all alcoholics, I just couldn't stick to moderation and I repeatedly ended up in blackouts or drunken tirades. Lately, I had been blacking out more and more often and drinking to pass out every night. I woke up yesterday with an odd feeling of disgust with myself and an absolute desire to try this again, even though I am STILL doubting myself, wondering if I can do this.

Today was my second day of sobriety and I woke up tense and fidgety. My blood was literally screaming for a glass of wine at about 4PM this evening. It still is. I have been thinking about alcohol all day. I have been trying my best to keep busy, but even when I was busy, I would think about it. I have found that this is a great place to vent and post your feelings and get feedback from other people in recovery.

Look, look, look for an AA meeting. Before moving back to my hometown, I lived in a very rural area and was surprised to find more than one meeting place for alcoholics. Have you looked through your phone book for a number to the AA chapter nearest your area? Go to the alcoholics anonymous website and look through cities and towns near yours. You will probably be surprised to find something nearby you. Make sure you research as much as you can and if you have to drive an hour, then so be it. It's worth it. I tried going it alone and I just cannot do it. Try Try Try. Best of luck to you and keep posting.

Joe90

Hello bruised I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic. I recently got sober again after a relapse and was sober for a period of 90 days this year. I am currently 36 days sober. You will find a lot of support and advice here from peolple with very similar experiences to your's. I live in London (UK) and it's quite late at night here so I'll just say a little of what I know ..others will be around to give more. You mentioned the word "control" twice in your post ..For Me ...a desire to control My drinking or to be in control ..with a strong "fear" of losing control ..is a major part of My problem as an alcoholic. A simple step to think about would be to ask yourself why you need so much control? ...letting go of control is an important first step in finding sobriety. A simple acceptance that you are an alcoholic ..that you cannot control your drinking ..and that you must instead find a way of letting go!. This kind of thinking may seem very strange but it is the basis for the AA welcome that says "we need never drink again" . letting go is hard for those who have a strong need to be in control but once achieved it is a fantastic release.

All for now ..keep coming back.

Joe

bruised ego

Thanks all so much.......I was really interested to see how responsive this board is! Wow.....you all are great to respond so quickly.

I know I have a problem, dh doesn't know how bad it is. I buy wine when he's not around and store it in the basement. So he thinks I'm just drinking 2 large bottles every week, when I'm really drinking much more.

As hard as this is to ask, I think tonight I really need to hear "Bruised, you have a major problem here". I've been hiding from it for so long, but I know it's true.

I thank you all for your caring......I need to fix this for ME! So far, work doesn't know I have a problem, but I am finding it harder and harder each day to get into the "home office" by 10am. And even then, I don't do much until about noon, when I start getting over the night before hangover.

I wonder why this happened to me? When did I lose control? How can I make it better?

Maybe the first thing to say is........I am an alcoholic. Even if it is in cyberspace. And my second honest assessment tonight? I'm posting this as I'm drinking wine. {cry}

I so appreciate your help and advice. I've not been so honest with anyone in a very long time. [sigh]

Phinneas

Hey, bruised. Hang in there, OK. You say you are in a rural area so you can't get to meetings. That's too bad as f2f meetings are the best way to get help and support, in my opinion. I recommend that you get a the book Alcoholics Anonomous and read it. You might recognize yourself in there. (And it's a practical book of recovery, too.) Only you can know if you are an alcoholic or not.

You've admitted you want to change. Now, are you williing to go to any lengths to stay sober and get some honest recovery?

Good luck,

jojo

Chy

Hi and welcome to you both!
Yup, this is a great place for support, I quit the day I arrived and haven't had a drink since. It takes honesty, determination, and support. It can be one day at a time as I thought I could never quit, I thought it was my destiny as it is in my family to, I thought I could never be happy, at ease, at peace without it. Your not alone, that's for sure, keep coming back and visit the Chat forum for the schedule of online meetings.

Dan

Hi BE, and welcome. I'm an addict named Dan. Alcohol was probably my favorite poison. It certainly was the one that took me down the darkest alleys.
Why it happened to me is sometimes clear as crystal.
Other times, I'm not so sure. I've been told it's not that important to know why.

I'm fairly sure I remember the time period when I realized I was crossing the line, when I knew even my best denial filters no longer afforded me the illusion I was in control of my drinking. I simply didn't care enough at that point.

I started getting better when I accepted the fact I wasn't able to justify my destructive behavior anymore. It's an ongoing process.
Once again, welcome to SoberRecovery.

bruised ego

Thanks. I have another "big" question for the group. As I mentioned, dh does not know how much I drink.....even my best friend doesn't.

Is it imperative we come clean to those around us when we realize we have the problem? Friend would understand, dh would be angry that I hid this for so long (and he'll hound me so I won't take another drink. I'll become his crusade).

I don't want scrutiny by those close to me right now. I just want to get better- would like to do it without anyone noticing. Is that possible?

And yes, my ego says I don't want to publically humiliate myself to say I have a problem and have everyone watch me 24-7 as if I'm fragile and damaged. Oh wait, I guess I am.

I do have a doc's appt on Tuesday. New doc in the practice. Not sure how honest I can be with a stranger.......but I did mention this before. Doc just smiled when I said I was 'self-medicating' with wine a lot. He didn't question how much I was doing this. I guess it's because I look 'normal' and not the type to abuse so I wasn't even questioned on this, even though I admitted it. When I got no response, I went into denial mode. Guess my problem isn't so bad. sigh.............

Dan

Yep. I've sat in some meetings where I listened to a thirty something guy admit he hadn't held a job in five years, hadn't had a place to live for six months. And he looked it.
Next person to speak was my bank manager, all pin stripes and cappucino.
Two faces.
Same problem.

bruised ego

Two faces.....but same face inside. I get that. We really are all of the same, aren't we?

Thanks Dan!!!

minnie

bruised ego

I think you might find that your husband knows more than you think. He is probably in as much denial as you have been.

Also, IMHO you can't get better without being honest. Are you willing to be honest?

Take care and keep coming back.

Minnie
xxx

CAPTAINZING2000

Everyone that comes through the doors of AA has to learn to be humble. Admitting you need help isn't a problem, not admitting you have a problem is what will take you down to a bottomless pit. Everyone in here had to admit to step 1. W/O taking the first step the merry go round never stops. You'll continue going round and round. AA has given many of us GOD good orderly direction. Keep coming back. Try to find you a meeting and a sponser. There has never been any one to dumb to get this program but, you can be too smart.
Stay in touch

Chris

Mandybabes

Hi bruised ego. I can really relate to the hubby not knowing how bad the problem is. Mine actually offered to make me a cocktail after I had been drinking all day and was venting about a problem. How can he not know? I would also love to put this behind me without anyone noticing. Just quietly stop. I could blame it on a heart problem. I landed in the ER last April with atrial fibrillation, and was told that I had a chemical imbalance and it was probably the fault of alcohol. Was told to stop then and I have several times. I also have a Dr. who knows I am self medicating, and he does not believe I am an alcoholic. I almost let him convince me but I know the truth. I have been putting off blood tests for a long time because I know the result with be high liver enzymes, which scares me. I am not a stupid person so what the heck is wrong with me.

findingout

brusied ego,

Eventually, I told everybody who I cared about but I was in outpaitent treatment for 4 weeks before I even told my family. I think in the long run you are taking big risk if you try to recover without ever letting anyone know. For one thing, it makes it easier for you to relapse if nobody knows. Plus, recovery only works with 100% honesty and anything less is inviting failure. Does that mean you have to walk up and annouce to every person you meet "Hi, my name is <yourname> and I'm an alcoholic!" Of course not.

There is no shame in being a recovering addict or alcoholic. You have a problem, so you are doing something about it. And it's not like you will be walking down the street with a big letter A stitched to your jacket, so most people will never even know. The people that love you and care about you will be happy for you and support you. The people that will judge you negatively are people you don't need in your life anyway. What somebody else thinks about the fact that you are a recovering addict or alcoholic does not matter nor does it change anything. It's what you think and what you do that matters.

Right now, it seems like the biggest problem in the world, but you can do this thing if you want it with all your heart. And once you start to really get it, you will not ever want to go back.


One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless

dixielove

Bruised ego,

The first step is the only one we have to do perfectly when we admit that we are powerless over our addiction. We have to admit that we have no control whatsoever. Once we can get into the solution, a light shines on us guiding our path to a new life. There is a bright path waiting on you. You don't have to live this way any longer. Take our hands, we are here for you.

Love,
Dixie

Debby

Dixie hun, Here is what you wrote to me when I was in your shoes yesterday and it really did help me, (I even tried to e-mail you to thank you but you are not accepting e-mails). Please listen to your own words.

Letting go is like a very hard breakup but we do heal. Take back your life. You deserve the special miracles that life has to offer you

If any one understands its easier to preach than to do it is me. But hun, these are your words and they are great words of wisdom, follow your heart and keep these words near you.
And thank you for those words
Debby