Bad Home Situation.. Need advice.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Bad Home Situation.. Need advice.
My father is a meth addict and needless to say we have a strained relationship. I have a daughter who is almost 2 years old.
Ive been mostly ignoring him as I don’t want a relationship with him and I don’t want him to have one at ALL with my daughter.
I borderline hate him but I’m trying to move to a place of apathy.
We have had some battles in the past both physically and verbally with the last incident where he actually struck my face while pregnant.
Things have settled down and I avoid any interaction with him at all. And it’s been okay since that outburst. Meanwhile my husband and I have been trying to move out into our own home. My MIL has offered to help by giving my husband an early inheritance gift to help speed up the process. We have a realtor and are trying to find a house in secret because I know it will not go well if he knows we are moving out. Especially since he relies on us for financial assistance.
Unfortunately, the process is not going as fast as we would like and things seem to be getting heated again between my father and I.
Tonight my dad cornered my husband and my my brother to discuss how I need to acknowledge his presence and have a relationship with him. How my lack of interest in his presence is making it difficult for him to have a relationship with other people in the house. He used how I ignored his trick or treat idea for my daughter as an example. So, I am inferring he must mean I am making it difficult for him to have a relationship with my daughter since the two adult men in the house are not impacted by my lack of acknowledgement of my father.
This is quite accurate as I do not want my daughter to have a relationship with my father for obvious reasons. This is not something I will change. I also cannot have a relationship with him either because if I do try to interact with him it will be negative. I have chosen a route of as little contact as possible. And for the past two years it has worked.
My concern is that another outburst is coming. I am choosing at this time to continue to ignore him as if the conversation he had with my brother and husband did not happen but I’m also stuck in this house till we can secure our own home. I do not believe this will be a viable option long term. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t fake it and I can’t ignore him anymore. If I tell him why, he will lash out.
SR family, what do you advise? My anxiety level is up and I’m at a loss of what to do.
Ive been mostly ignoring him as I don’t want a relationship with him and I don’t want him to have one at ALL with my daughter.
I borderline hate him but I’m trying to move to a place of apathy.
We have had some battles in the past both physically and verbally with the last incident where he actually struck my face while pregnant.
Things have settled down and I avoid any interaction with him at all. And it’s been okay since that outburst. Meanwhile my husband and I have been trying to move out into our own home. My MIL has offered to help by giving my husband an early inheritance gift to help speed up the process. We have a realtor and are trying to find a house in secret because I know it will not go well if he knows we are moving out. Especially since he relies on us for financial assistance.
Unfortunately, the process is not going as fast as we would like and things seem to be getting heated again between my father and I.
Tonight my dad cornered my husband and my my brother to discuss how I need to acknowledge his presence and have a relationship with him. How my lack of interest in his presence is making it difficult for him to have a relationship with other people in the house. He used how I ignored his trick or treat idea for my daughter as an example. So, I am inferring he must mean I am making it difficult for him to have a relationship with my daughter since the two adult men in the house are not impacted by my lack of acknowledgement of my father.
This is quite accurate as I do not want my daughter to have a relationship with my father for obvious reasons. This is not something I will change. I also cannot have a relationship with him either because if I do try to interact with him it will be negative. I have chosen a route of as little contact as possible. And for the past two years it has worked.
My concern is that another outburst is coming. I am choosing at this time to continue to ignore him as if the conversation he had with my brother and husband did not happen but I’m also stuck in this house till we can secure our own home. I do not believe this will be a viable option long term. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t fake it and I can’t ignore him anymore. If I tell him why, he will lash out.
SR family, what do you advise? My anxiety level is up and I’m at a loss of what to do.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Hi Newhope. Forgive me, I don't know where you are at in your sobriety journey (or which country you live in), but as for what I am about to say I'm not sure it matters that much!
I would say you need to move out of that environment as soon as possible - meaning today. My job involves working with children 'at risk' and in that capacity I wouldn't be very compromising over that. The meth addiction aside, there is a history of violence between your father and you, and domestic abuse is also abuse of the child who witnesses it.
(As for all the other stuff - I have a strong opinion that you leave the relationship with your father, but that is for you to decide. I cannot imagine how damaging it is for you and as a mum you need out and the way you have written this you must realise that getting out of the relationship completely is your only option right now.)
What practical support would you get in your country if you went to social services and told them what you've told us? If you don't need that support then you may have to bite the financial bullet, but either way my opinion is get out immediately
I would say you need to move out of that environment as soon as possible - meaning today. My job involves working with children 'at risk' and in that capacity I wouldn't be very compromising over that. The meth addiction aside, there is a history of violence between your father and you, and domestic abuse is also abuse of the child who witnesses it.
(As for all the other stuff - I have a strong opinion that you leave the relationship with your father, but that is for you to decide. I cannot imagine how damaging it is for you and as a mum you need out and the way you have written this you must realise that getting out of the relationship completely is your only option right now.)
What practical support would you get in your country if you went to social services and told them what you've told us? If you don't need that support then you may have to bite the financial bullet, but either way my opinion is get out immediately
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Thanks for the words of advice and we are much in a hurry to get out. We are moving along pretty well in the purchase of home we just need to find one and close on it. If we move into an apartment it will hinder our progress financially and staying here would have been for nothing.
I should also add that my father is disabled and when he hit me two years ago it was like as if my daughter tried to hit me. She has not witnessed any violence and if she did we would be gone tonight after I filed a police report.
I guess what I’m hoping for is to find a way to find a way to keep the peace a little longer while we find our home. I guess that’s not looking like an option.
I should also add that my father is disabled and when he hit me two years ago it was like as if my daughter tried to hit me. She has not witnessed any violence and if she did we would be gone tonight after I filed a police report.
I guess what I’m hoping for is to find a way to find a way to keep the peace a little longer while we find our home. I guess that’s not looking like an option.
Erica375
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: MA
Posts: 493
I'm rooting for you, Newhope01! It may seem like a weird time to be house-hunting, but since the pandemic started two of my daughters and their significant others have bought houses and a third has started looking.
Fingers crossed you find something soon.
As far as your dad being disabled and needing your financial assistance, that's on him. Maybe your departure will be the motivation he needs to change.
Let us know how it goes.
Fingers crossed you find something soon.
As far as your dad being disabled and needing your financial assistance, that's on him. Maybe your departure will be the motivation he needs to change.
Let us know how it goes.
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My brother will just pick up the bills we will leave behind and my father will continue to use. I do not have any hope he will get sober.
My husband is getting cold feet now about moving out again 🤦♀️ He just doesn’t seem to get it. I guess since it’s not his dad it doesn’t affect him as much but he should worry about how it may affect the child who didn’t ask to be put in this situation.
But so far so good, no further nonsense. Hopefully it stays that way till we get out of here.
My husband is getting cold feet now about moving out again 🤦♀️ He just doesn’t seem to get it. I guess since it’s not his dad it doesn’t affect him as much but he should worry about how it may affect the child who didn’t ask to be put in this situation.
But so far so good, no further nonsense. Hopefully it stays that way till we get out of here.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
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It sounds like his mom’s willing to help financially, is it possible to stay with her for a bit while you are looking for a house? If not, do you have any other family or friends you can stay with for a short while?
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Originally Posted by Delilah1 
It sounds like his mom’s willing to help financially, is it possible to stay with her for a bit while you are looking for a house? If not, do you have any other family or friends you can stay with for a short while?
Staying with my husband’s parents was an emergency option but now with COVID-19 it’s off the table. I don’t have any other support.
Part of me is thinking we may just need to rent an apartment but the deposit money will come out of our down payment for a home and I really don’t want to do that. Feels like we will be moving backwards and it will take a lot of convincing for my husband.
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It's strange how we can all look at things differently. I know when people have given me advice on here I've often bridled and thought, 'But they don't know the real picture'.
Having said that! - I see the situation as a bit more urgent than you seem to. 'Hopefully it stays that way...' - you have a young child to think of. That child may 'hope' for something but as the adult you are responsible for putting action in to place. And if your fella doesn't see that seriousness then maybe he would if you said (and backed up) that you and the child needed to move immediately for your physical protection and that of your emotional
and mental health? It may focus his mind a bit!
One word of caution - if you are going to leave then I would strongly suggest seeking support before doing so. Leaving sounds easy but it is a risky time. I would certainly recommend approaching social services for their support who should be able to support you leaving in a safe way.
Having said that! - I see the situation as a bit more urgent than you seem to. 'Hopefully it stays that way...' - you have a young child to think of. That child may 'hope' for something but as the adult you are responsible for putting action in to place. And if your fella doesn't see that seriousness then maybe he would if you said (and backed up) that you and the child needed to move immediately for your physical protection and that of your emotional
and mental health? It may focus his mind a bit!
One word of caution - if you are going to leave then I would strongly suggest seeking support before doing so. Leaving sounds easy but it is a risky time. I would certainly recommend approaching social services for their support who should be able to support you leaving in a safe way.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
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I would play "sweet and nice" until you are out newhope. Even if he does occasionally speak to your daughter for say the next 6 weeks to 2 months, once you're away he won't be able to and that will be that. I would definitely remind your husband that your 2 year old daughter sharing a home with a meth addict is not acceptable.
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Hi,
You're choosing to live in a violent and psychologically abusive environment rather than spend $$$ on a deposit and rent. What would you say to someone who said that to you?
I think that's just - incredibly unwise. There's a child involved, but wait - you already know this ...
You're choosing to live in a violent and psychologically abusive environment rather than spend $$$ on a deposit and rent. What would you say to someone who said that to you?
I think that's just - incredibly unwise. There's a child involved, but wait - you already know this ...
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
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Originally Posted by newhope01
Part of me is thinking we may just need to rent an apartment but the deposit money will come out of our down payment for a home and I really don’t want to do that. Feels like we will be moving backwards and it will take a lot of convincing for my husband.
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Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
Hi,
You're choosing to live in a violent and psychologically abusive environment rather than spend $$$ on a deposit and rent. What would you say to someone who said that to you?
I think that's just - incredibly unwise. There's a child involved, but wait - you already know this ...
You're choosing to live in a violent and psychologically abusive environment rather than spend $$$ on a deposit and rent. What would you say to someone who said that to you?
I think that's just - incredibly unwise. There's a child involved, but wait - you already know this ...
And if someone described this situation to me I would not give the response that you did.
But thanks for your cute response. Super helpful.
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Originally Posted by gypsytears
I think renting and getting out of there is a good idea safety wise to get you and your child away from your abusive father. I’m wondering though about the end goal of buying a house, if taking money from your MIL for a house is really in your best interest. I mean, just a few months ago you had a thread about marriage problems with your husband. I hope that your relationship is on more solid ground now. Sorry if I’m out of line. I’d hate to think you’d have to stay where you are or worse, have to go back at some point.
Ive decided to stay in my marriage. A lot of the turmoil has subsided since I got sober (go figure) but I still have to work on my resentments.
If things did go south, I’d have to rent because once we leave, there will be no going back.
Our realtor is aware of the urgency to move so I am hoping something comes up soon. If not, it looks like we’re going to just have to rent an apartment. My husband is getting on board with this idea bc my dad is getting worse. Very antagonistic and trying to pick fights with my brother and myself. I told my husband this while he was at work and he agreed something needs to happen sooner than later.
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This sounds good Newhope. Forgive me if my comments above are overly simplistic, I do understand what it's like trying to pick your way through a difficult situation, where there's no obvious or even 'right' way forward. (I really do understand that right now!!)
Keep going. Stay sober and work this stuff through. You've got a lot to live for and working through this is a stage in getting to the place you want to be at.
I think it's such a good idea to rent and just get out if that environment, it must be physically and emotionally draining. You can do it!
Keep going. Stay sober and work this stuff through. You've got a lot to live for and working through this is a stage in getting to the place you want to be at.
I think it's such a good idea to rent and just get out if that environment, it must be physically and emotionally draining. You can do it!
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Originally Posted by Be123
This sounds good Newhope. Forgive me if my comments above are overly simplistic, I do understand what it's like trying to pick your way through a difficult situation, where there's no obvious or even 'right' way forward. (I really do understand that right now!!)
Keep going. Stay sober and work this stuff through. You've got a lot to live for and working through this is a stage in getting to the place you want to be at.
I think it's such a good idea to rent and just get out if that environment, it must be physically and emotionally draining. You can do it!
Keep going. Stay sober and work this stuff through. You've got a lot to live for and working through this is a stage in getting to the place you want to be at.
I think it's such a good idea to rent and just get out if that environment, it must be physically and emotionally draining. You can do it!
I just don’t want to rent unless I absolutely have to. Either way it’s going to take time to either rent or buy a home. I guess I just have my fingers crossed on getting a home.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
It’s good to read your husband is more on board than I was originally thinking. A united front will help during your exit plan. Getting & staying sober too, as you pointed out, goes a long long way. It sounds as though you’re strong in your sobriety and that’s a good thing. Looking for a house pre-covid isn’t easy, I can’t imagine how it is now. Something will come along, hopefully soon and you have your real estate agent in the loop so fingers crossed the right place falls on her desk for you guys. Maybe a rent with the option to buy might come along? I understand not wanting to throw rental money away when you want to put it towards a house but in the end, renting or buying...a home is a safe and secure place to live with your family.
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