getright15

Is it just me or when it comes to this new sober life you are trying to live I always get this feeling as if I'm being judged. After I finally reached a year it was that is great "but" from my loved ones. I know I'm sober for me, and I've put my family through a lot over the years. Meantime my brother in law gets 60 days, and its like he just wont the lottery. Maybe I'm just screwed up in my thinking. Maybe I am the one with the issues. Some things I just don't understand. I feel those that really know me expect the worse from me. Maybe I guess its a valid feeling, but what kind of life is that to constantly have to feel the need to prove yourself.

Just extremely irritated and ranting. Sure things could be worse off, but we all live in the moment at times. Eh

Dee74

Sometimes lifes not fair but the fact you have over a year sober is an incredible achievement, and you should be proud of that, whether or not others acknowledge that or not.

D

Wastinglife

I like to think that I am quite a reasonable person with common sense. At least, when I'm sober. I sometimes wonder what kind of thought process people have where they can just be so unaware of things. If they are an alcoholic or mental health is not good, understandable. However, seemingly completely normal, sober people can be baffling at times...

Virituze2020

Hi Getright , You've accomplished something really great that required so much strength.
Like the famous saying goes, at the end of it all, what people think of you (and yes, even your loved ones), is not your problem. People will always have their opinions, you just have to soldier on and be proud of yourself. I've finally stopped expecting accolades for what I thought were fantastic achievements. and when I stopped expecting people to fawn over me, I was so much less disappointed in life. It pretty much comes down to ego. The moment you let go of your ego, life becomes a hell of a lot simpler. Ego is so toxic.
Good luck to you and just live your best life, for yourself, and the rest will follow.

Philemon

I don't expect people to say "hey you are doing great" when I don't drink. I think, I shouldn't have been drinking like I was in the first place and I'm lucky they are still talking to me.

Sober45

I have 7 months and I can really relate to this but I think Virituze2020 makes a very valid point we need to consider.

I told my father last week, hey Dad, did you know I have 7 months sober. His response: yes but do you still smoke weed?
I told my mother yesterday and she said "that's good" and quickly changed the subject.
Last night I sat down with the hubby and asked him questions about how he thinks I'm doing. I suggested I'm a lot better emotionally and he agreed wholeheartedly; but I had this feeling he was feeding me what I want to here. But I could be wrong.

The truth is, I'm looking for validation. No. My ego is looking for validation. This is the biggest change I have ever made in my life and I want them to feel like I do about it. But that hasn't always been the case which is another reason why I love SR so much...the people on here understand and can give us the encouragement we need.

A huge congratulations to you on achieving one year of sobriety!

DriGuy

I remember a cute saying I heard: "Don't worry about what others are thinking about you, because the probably aren't." That's wonderfully clever but with little more than a tinge of worthwhile perception. Humans pass judgement all the time. We even pass judgement on ourselves. We all do it, right or wrong. It only becomes a minefield when we take it to extremes. Some people are worse about it than others. Some people only pass judgement on others. Some (like you maybe), tend to be more judgemental of self.

One year is great. There! I just passed judgement on you. But don't expect much from others. My experience with others leads to another judgement; True or not, I don't think most people have a clue about what one week or 2 years of sobriety means to you. This is a forgivable flaw. They have not walked in your shoes.

With almost 25 years under my belt, I seldom get "attaboys" from others. Probably, because I seem like a normie. But that is no longer my focus. Most all my energy is focused on just being happy. Not drinking is just part of the pathway to achieve that goal. But it's an essential part.

Misssy2

You feel how you feel...I've always been judged...If I'm not judged for drinking, I am judged for what I eat, what I say, what I wear...its always something by CERTAIN people.

Some of us...even people that don't drink....are not treated equally as our relatives....for whatever reasons...And sometimes I do things that I know will be judged by others and don't really care much. Whenever I have put the drink down...I have this thought process of ....doesn't matter what else I DO...as long as I don't drink....Yes, it hurts a little bit when there are situations like what you saw with your brother in law and how his sobriety was treated....But, your alive and living a better life...probably a "better" person for it...and don't let them get to you.

Just try to keep yourself surrounded by those that are positive....

Mary88

I often felt judged by others. I think it's one of the reasons I drank in the first place.

Maybe we are better off letting go of what other people think. It seems like there is happiness and freedom in not needing approval from others.

One year of sobriety is great.

doggonecarl

This post about feeling judged comes on the heels of your post about resentments--Troubling because both can lead to relapse if unchecked. Find a way to unburden yourself of these unhealthy emotions.

nez

If people judge me...what then?
If people don't judge me...what then?
If it is only me thinking that people judge me, but they aren't really...what then?
If it is only me thinking that people don't judge me, but they actually are...what then?
Yeah...what then?
My answer to any of the above questions...what do I think about what I am doing? Am I doing right? Am I following my soul or am I being led by my ego? If the answer is my ego, I make corrections. If the answer is my soul, I follow up with the next right action, followed by subsequent right actions.
Either way it unfolds, I don't drink...because that is always the right action for me.

DriGuy

I like this. It points out how irrelevant much of our worry is. By wasting time on thoughts like this we are distracted from the actions we need to take to improve out lives (for us).

saoutchik

Congratulations on one year and counting getright! Fantastic!

It might be that because you have gone such a long period of time without drinking, those close to you have moved from appreciation to taking your sobriety for granted. While that's not an admirable trait it is kind of a compliment too in as much your success is seen as a "given" compared with your BIL.

Once again congratulations and keep on keeping on.

MaximusD

Yeah, I feel like who cares what others think or say. People are too wrapped up in their own issues. Maybe their acknowledgment of your brother more is because they know he needs it more or he will slip. Maybe they feel you are stronger? I know people in my life who are struggling the most will also get the most positive reinforcement from me.

LumenandNyx

I have a question - could you be pressuring yourself and projecting that pressure onto your family?

Whose expectations of you are higher and most pressing?

Who knows your potential better than you do? Anyone?

Have you ever heard this: "I am my own worst critic"?

I know I sure can be...

least

I try to remember that it's really none of my business what others think of me. (not counting slander and libel) I don't let anyone live rent free in my head. Also, those who matter, won't mind, and those who mind, don't matter. Don't overthink this. You'll get yourself in a tizzy for nothing. Let them think what they will. You just live your best life and do the next right thing.

Delilah1

First, congratulations on one year, that is a huge accomplishment! I am with Least on worrying about what other people say or do, not my business. However, since getting sober I have removed myself from some of the toxic people in my life, mainly a few inlaws. I used to worry about what they said, or I should say wonder what they said behind my back. I now just avoid them and their petty drama altogether, it has made my life happier.

I hope you are taking some time to be proud of yourself and to find ways to continue to stay focused on your recovery.

MythOfSisyphus

A year sober is awesome getright15! You're doing great. I'm sorry that those around you don't accept it yet but you can't really help what others think. Put yourself in their shoes. Just know deep down that you're doing the best you can.

BeABetterMan

I believe expectations are at the root of our problem. In our minds we think people should have certain reactions; they should be proud of us, they should be excited, they should be grateful, they should notice, they should comment, we deserve credit. And when they don't react how we expect or how we want them to, we are disappointed. That disappointment creates a resentment and then we write a post on SR about how the people in our life aren't behaving how they should. If I say this, they should say this. If I do that, they should do that. We have no more control over how people think/feel, behave, react, etc. than we do over which direction the wind blows.

Expectations are a huge problem in my life. They wreak havoc on my personal relationships and it is really just a remnant of my own character defects. That left over bit of me that thinks I can control other people places and things. Today I am at least aware of this problem and how it manifests itself in my life so I'm getting better. But it really is an issue and I would be a happier and more content person with better relationships if I could continue to address it.

Anna

I agree with BABM about expectations. That's something I need to work on all the time. We have no control over what other people say, think or do. Continue your sobriety and be proud of yourself. You are the one who has worked so hard to get where you are and that's what matters.