Advice needed for my 22 year old pot addicted grandson
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Advice needed for my 22 year old pot addicted grandson
My grandson has been living with me for 3 years, since he was 17. His last year of high school went well, but I've always suspected that he suffered from depression. We had a very serious talk last night and it really alarmed me.
He's had about 10 different jobs, but has "hated" every one. It's always the boss's fault, or other employees that don't do things the way he thinks they should be done. It interferes with his pot smoking and video game playing. He want's to travel but is not willing to work to earn the money to do so. He's talked about just going off into the wilderness and living "off the land", something for which he has no experience and no idea what is involved.
I've suspected he's been severely depressed for about the last year. Or bi-polar. He had two used vehicles and sold one of them for $5000. He promptly spent $2000 on a gaming computer and $3000 two months ago on an electric bike, which he hasn't used in weeks.
In our conversation last night, he said he had no purpose in life - red flag - and said, "I wish I wouldn't wake up" - red flag. If he were at the support group I used to attend and said that, the police would have been called and he would have been taken to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.
I suggested that he speak to a therapist (he used to go when he lived with his mom) but he's not keen on that. His mother demanded that they see the therapist together and he, as expected, was not forthcoming with either the therapist or his mom. When he asked to see the therapist by himself, the drive home with his mom was pure hell (I have a recording) with her DEMANDING in her most stern, polite way, that he tell her what he talked to the therapist about. She's a narcissist...nuff said.
I'm going to talk to him today, but I know he'll deny everything and say he didn't mean any of what he said. I know this is a lie as he will do anything to avoid dealing with what might be a serious issue.
So, my plan is to offer him 2 options - go to see a therapist on his own, or I will have him sent to the hospital (I think I'd have to call the cops as he would no way go willingly). If I do option 2, he will never talk to me again. If I don't do anything, he may "accidentally" kill himself and I will never talk to him again. I'd rather he be alive and not talk to me.
I know I'm all over the place here, but if you've been able to make sense out of this, and have advice, I am desperate.
Thank you...
He's had about 10 different jobs, but has "hated" every one. It's always the boss's fault, or other employees that don't do things the way he thinks they should be done. It interferes with his pot smoking and video game playing. He want's to travel but is not willing to work to earn the money to do so. He's talked about just going off into the wilderness and living "off the land", something for which he has no experience and no idea what is involved.
I've suspected he's been severely depressed for about the last year. Or bi-polar. He had two used vehicles and sold one of them for $5000. He promptly spent $2000 on a gaming computer and $3000 two months ago on an electric bike, which he hasn't used in weeks.
In our conversation last night, he said he had no purpose in life - red flag - and said, "I wish I wouldn't wake up" - red flag. If he were at the support group I used to attend and said that, the police would have been called and he would have been taken to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.
I suggested that he speak to a therapist (he used to go when he lived with his mom) but he's not keen on that. His mother demanded that they see the therapist together and he, as expected, was not forthcoming with either the therapist or his mom. When he asked to see the therapist by himself, the drive home with his mom was pure hell (I have a recording) with her DEMANDING in her most stern, polite way, that he tell her what he talked to the therapist about. She's a narcissist...nuff said.
I'm going to talk to him today, but I know he'll deny everything and say he didn't mean any of what he said. I know this is a lie as he will do anything to avoid dealing with what might be a serious issue.
So, my plan is to offer him 2 options - go to see a therapist on his own, or I will have him sent to the hospital (I think I'd have to call the cops as he would no way go willingly). If I do option 2, he will never talk to me again. If I don't do anything, he may "accidentally" kill himself and I will never talk to him again. I'd rather he be alive and not talk to me.
I know I'm all over the place here, but if you've been able to make sense out of this, and have advice, I am desperate.
Thank you...
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Location: East Coast USA
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(((Optimist))). I cannot begin to imagine how very concerned and frightened you must be.
I have no on-point experience to share but I feel that the two options that you have considered are good ones as he has exhibited those two red flags.
Here for you.
I have no on-point experience to share but I feel that the two options that you have considered are good ones as he has exhibited those two red flags.
Here for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Originally Posted by Optimist4ever57 
So, my plan is to offer him 2 options - go to see a therapist on his own, or I will have him sent to the hospital (I think I'd have to call the cops as he would no way go willingly). If I do option 2, he will never talk to me again. If I don't do anything, he may "accidentally" kill himself and I will never talk to him again. I'd rather he be alive and not talk to me.
I lived with my grandparents for reasons unrelated to your post.
As to his issues and the options you mention - you can't know for sure that he will attend the therapy sessions unless you babysit him. How about NO to that idea? And you can't know for certain that he'll tell anyone the truth.
I think he may need to discover for himself - the hard way - that it's time for him to grow up - fast.
I understand that you love your grandson, but it is not your place to diagnose him. You're not his doctor. A real doctor needs to diagnose him, but that'll never happen if your grandson lies about things.
If it were me, I would remove everything from his room (it's your house) except his bed and clothes.
I'd insist that he go get a job and not come home without one. My dad did that to me when I was 16 and I came home about 30 minutes later with a job at McDonalds.
I'd give him one month to move out. 30 days. Not 31 or 32 days. 30 days..
As long as you allow his problems to become your problems, they will. You're allowing him to NOT LEARN how to be an adult.
I have two adult sons myself (they're 30 and 25) so I'm not just talking out of my butt here. I'd do the same with them if the circumstances were like yours. And if you sincerely believe your grandson might harm either himself or someone else, the time to do something about that is right now. Better to be safe than sorry.
Best.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
I have three boys. Our society has created a, "Feel Good," group of young people. The more, "Free Stuff," the better. Their philosophy is that of the addictive belief system in that, life should be, fair, easy and painless and I should always get what I want. When this philosophy of life does not materialize they seek the quick fix or mood changer of substances! That's what addiction is, learning to regain control of your feelings/emotions with unhealthy behaviors.
My kids would have lived with us indefinitely had we not started charging them rent ($300/mo). They all moved out immediately. lol.
That's when they grew up! Experience is the greatest teacher. We all have a great and loving relationship now.
You are your grandson's caregiver. You are in a tough spot, like many parents and grandparents, but I would insist on both of you seeing a therapist. If he balks, tell him you want him to go for your sake and his (you are suffering). Don't make it optional, as long as he lives under your roof. Of course you will have this conversation in a loving manner and not with a punishing attitude.
My kids would have lived with us indefinitely had we not started charging them rent ($300/mo). They all moved out immediately. lol.
That's when they grew up! Experience is the greatest teacher. We all have a great and loving relationship now.
You are your grandson's caregiver. You are in a tough spot, like many parents and grandparents, but I would insist on both of you seeing a therapist. If he balks, tell him you want him to go for your sake and his (you are suffering). Don't make it optional, as long as he lives under your roof. Of course you will have this conversation in a loving manner and not with a punishing attitude.
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Dislaimer not a parent, but I don't think all young people are feckless or spoilt and I don't think every situation needs boot camp style tough love.
The problem with ultimatiums is you need to be prepared to follow them through.
Having said that I think you can definitely set the rules for living at your place.
No drugs etc seems reasonable to me - but you have to be prepared to live by those same rules yourself or he's going to slam you for hypocrisy and so what he wants anyway.
I would try and go for communication rather than ultimatums but I guess you've had the talk and given the choices already, so I hope it worked out ok Optimist
The problem with ultimatiums is you need to be prepared to follow them through.
Having said that I think you can definitely set the rules for living at your place.
No drugs etc seems reasonable to me - but you have to be prepared to live by those same rules yourself or he's going to slam you for hypocrisy and so what he wants anyway.
I would try and go for communication rather than ultimatums but I guess you've had the talk and given the choices already, so I hope it worked out ok Optimist
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Optimist4ever57: Hello!
I am not a grandparent and cannot speak from that experience; but I am a mom of two adult children, and I joined this site about 10 years ago when I was at my wit's end (my son was nearing 18, failing school, participating in risky behaviors, breaking the law, substance using on a regular basis and trying to take advantage of mom and dad and to manipulate to his advantage).
"We tried" as parents; and hopefully and it looks like some of what he was taught and experienced that was positive has stuck. However and unfortunately, at that time 10 years ago and numerous years before, by throwing help, enabling, bargaining, pleading, living in fear, and trying to fix things for him -- well it came to a dead end. I had to face it and he had to face it that he was responsible for himself, was becoming an adult, and needed to be accountable.
It was hard for me to let go and let God but it was necessary.
My son did move out of our house about seven years ago, has been working hard and, yes, struggling; but, he has been living independently since then and, at this point in time, is running a successful business.
All these years later and with experience and loads of support from this site and otherwise, I know I can "be there for him" but "cannot fix it for him."
Each person's experience is different, I know. I am sharing just to give one mom's experience and what worked for me.
Making and keeping boundaries (it takes time and practice, practice, practice for me) has made a huge difference. Not only in my relationship with my son but with others, who I encounter on a daily basis and where there is the potential for toxicity and unnecessary drama.
Hoping for all the best for you and your family. Let us know how it goes. Hugs
I am not a grandparent and cannot speak from that experience; but I am a mom of two adult children, and I joined this site about 10 years ago when I was at my wit's end (my son was nearing 18, failing school, participating in risky behaviors, breaking the law, substance using on a regular basis and trying to take advantage of mom and dad and to manipulate to his advantage).
"We tried" as parents; and hopefully and it looks like some of what he was taught and experienced that was positive has stuck. However and unfortunately, at that time 10 years ago and numerous years before, by throwing help, enabling, bargaining, pleading, living in fear, and trying to fix things for him -- well it came to a dead end. I had to face it and he had to face it that he was responsible for himself, was becoming an adult, and needed to be accountable.
It was hard for me to let go and let God but it was necessary.
My son did move out of our house about seven years ago, has been working hard and, yes, struggling; but, he has been living independently since then and, at this point in time, is running a successful business.
All these years later and with experience and loads of support from this site and otherwise, I know I can "be there for him" but "cannot fix it for him."
Each person's experience is different, I know. I am sharing just to give one mom's experience and what worked for me.
Making and keeping boundaries (it takes time and practice, practice, practice for me) has made a huge difference. Not only in my relationship with my son but with others, who I encounter on a daily basis and where there is the potential for toxicity and unnecessary drama.
Hoping for all the best for you and your family. Let us know how it goes. Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am the mother of an addicted adult son. I couldn't save him but, in the end, I had to save myself from my own codependent ways.
You have given a couple of healthy good suggestions, for him to seek help and to at least talk to him about his talk of "ending it all". Perhaps the two will go together with a good therapist. He needs help and you need to be strong enough to take care of yourself through all this because his addiction could take you down too.
I had boundaries...no drugs in my home, no stealing from me or keeping anything stolen from anyone else, respect at all times must be shown by each of us...and he must be actively taking actions to find his own sobriety through meetings or therapy or some recognized program. The consequence that I had to enforce more than once (and sometimes was too weak to enforce at all) was "You will have to move somewhere else, I will love you just as much out of my home, as in.
The important thing here is that your home is your safe place and doesn't have to be turned into a war zone. It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise with your grandson and hopefully some good conversation with him, with promises followed by actions, will help him to help himself.
This mama is cheering you on.
You have given a couple of healthy good suggestions, for him to seek help and to at least talk to him about his talk of "ending it all". Perhaps the two will go together with a good therapist. He needs help and you need to be strong enough to take care of yourself through all this because his addiction could take you down too.
I had boundaries...no drugs in my home, no stealing from me or keeping anything stolen from anyone else, respect at all times must be shown by each of us...and he must be actively taking actions to find his own sobriety through meetings or therapy or some recognized program. The consequence that I had to enforce more than once (and sometimes was too weak to enforce at all) was "You will have to move somewhere else, I will love you just as much out of my home, as in.
The important thing here is that your home is your safe place and doesn't have to be turned into a war zone. It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise with your grandson and hopefully some good conversation with him, with promises followed by actions, will help him to help himself.
This mama is cheering you on.
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Join Date: Sep 2020
Posts: 2
Anaya,
I’m living through the same thing that you experienced with your son 10 years ago. It gives me hope to see that your son is doing well now because, like you, I’m at my wits end.
My son is 16 and I feel like we’re running out of time being that 18 is quickly approaching. I know he smokes marijuana and has done acid and Xanax (only a few times according to him). He was also selling drugs to friends. He’s had a problem with lying ever since he was little so I have a hard time believing anything he says. I always assume it’s a lot worse than what he’ll admit to. We’ve tried every approach with him - strict, kind, understanding - and have found that strict is the least effective, he will just lie, lie, lie and shut down. When we approach him in a kind, understanding way, he is more honest and communicates more. BUT the problem never goes away. He still uses marijuana and possibly other drugs, sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night, steals money from us, the list goes on and on. At one point, he took his dad’s car in the middle of the night and outran a police officer going 90 on the freeway. We have 2 other boys and I feel bad because they inevitably see what’s going on and I know it must cause them anxiety. What makes this even more sad is that my 16 year old is really an incredible kid in every other way - he’s naturally good at any sport he tries, he’s intelligent, very kind-hearted and extremely magnetic, everyone wants to be around him. I don’t feel like putting him in an inpatient treatment center would work out well because from everything I’ve researched, it never works if the person is not a willing participant. We’ve tried therapy, but again, he’s not willing so it hasn’t helped. Sorry to ramble on. Do you have any advice for me on what ultimately helped your son the most? I appreciate any input! Thanks so much!
I’m living through the same thing that you experienced with your son 10 years ago. It gives me hope to see that your son is doing well now because, like you, I’m at my wits end.
My son is 16 and I feel like we’re running out of time being that 18 is quickly approaching. I know he smokes marijuana and has done acid and Xanax (only a few times according to him). He was also selling drugs to friends. He’s had a problem with lying ever since he was little so I have a hard time believing anything he says. I always assume it’s a lot worse than what he’ll admit to. We’ve tried every approach with him - strict, kind, understanding - and have found that strict is the least effective, he will just lie, lie, lie and shut down. When we approach him in a kind, understanding way, he is more honest and communicates more. BUT the problem never goes away. He still uses marijuana and possibly other drugs, sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night, steals money from us, the list goes on and on. At one point, he took his dad’s car in the middle of the night and outran a police officer going 90 on the freeway. We have 2 other boys and I feel bad because they inevitably see what’s going on and I know it must cause them anxiety. What makes this even more sad is that my 16 year old is really an incredible kid in every other way - he’s naturally good at any sport he tries, he’s intelligent, very kind-hearted and extremely magnetic, everyone wants to be around him. I don’t feel like putting him in an inpatient treatment center would work out well because from everything I’ve researched, it never works if the person is not a willing participant. We’ve tried therapy, but again, he’s not willing so it hasn’t helped. Sorry to ramble on. Do you have any advice for me on what ultimately helped your son the most? I appreciate any input! Thanks so much!
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