Grief guilt.....he passed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
Grief guilt.....he passed
It’s been so long since I posted. I don’t have the heart to read my old posts. I remebery what I was going through....all the stages and all the inability to move forward. It is all textbook but I didn’t know that at the time. I learned as I went. I learned from here. I didn’t get all the therapy I needed and neither did he....I finally left after 19 years. We have a child and it was hard trying to coparent. It was hard dealing with him, and I was difficult and confused....I wanted therapy, but a million excuses. I was always in survival mode, he had gotten sober! And I was still mad and confused. Eventually he started drinking again and I felt valid in my anger.
I cleaned his kitchen a couple weeks prior. I listened while he and my daughter laughed and watched a movie. I felt the wind blowing through the window in front of me, I felt the old life...cleaning dishes and feeling like we were back in the old. It was nice and awful in the same moments. I never grieved our separation, I was so busy pushing forward with work and childcare and my own issues....Angry and distancing...so now I grieve doubly.
he died . ....I was gutted and crushed...i was shocked by the physical pain of the grief. A friend told me that is The guilt. I still feel it flutter when I think too hard.....when I touch on my still lingering embers of guilt
I have never been good with death, who really is....I feel things so intensely I have always avoided funerals and such. And here it is so close to me. I felt like I lost a limb. I don’t understand death.
I sat silently screaming on the floor that night while my daughter slept. The idea of him out there...where?
Therapy and support groups were put on hold as we went into quarantine. A double unexpected anxious situation. We handled one day at a time. I worked every day and pushed as hard as I could. There were dark days and light moments , seeming to never end.
logic tells me I will work this out in therapy. Trying to get it in order. In the meantime....working through the guilt....I didn’t let him know I loved him, I didn’t help him enough, I caused this to somehow happen because I didn’t fix things and now my daughter has lost her father....It’s my fault I tell myself....yet I know logically this isn’t true.
not sure why I am writing this, I would like to help people to skip the steps I wasted my time on. Get therapy don’t think you will figure it out....forgive ....as you move forward....
I cleaned his kitchen a couple weeks prior. I listened while he and my daughter laughed and watched a movie. I felt the wind blowing through the window in front of me, I felt the old life...cleaning dishes and feeling like we were back in the old. It was nice and awful in the same moments. I never grieved our separation, I was so busy pushing forward with work and childcare and my own issues....Angry and distancing...so now I grieve doubly.
he died . ....I was gutted and crushed...i was shocked by the physical pain of the grief. A friend told me that is The guilt. I still feel it flutter when I think too hard.....when I touch on my still lingering embers of guilt
I have never been good with death, who really is....I feel things so intensely I have always avoided funerals and such. And here it is so close to me. I felt like I lost a limb. I don’t understand death.
I sat silently screaming on the floor that night while my daughter slept. The idea of him out there...where?
Therapy and support groups were put on hold as we went into quarantine. A double unexpected anxious situation. We handled one day at a time. I worked every day and pushed as hard as I could. There were dark days and light moments , seeming to never end.
logic tells me I will work this out in therapy. Trying to get it in order. In the meantime....working through the guilt....I didn’t let him know I loved him, I didn’t help him enough, I caused this to somehow happen because I didn’t fix things and now my daughter has lost her father....It’s my fault I tell myself....yet I know logically this isn’t true.
not sure why I am writing this, I would like to help people to skip the steps I wasted my time on. Get therapy don’t think you will figure it out....forgive ....as you move forward....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom what you're going through losing a partner of 19 years but I can understand through your words how disorienting it all is and as someone who feels everything intensely, I know it's unbearable for you now. I am so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'm sorry for your loss.
I can say this, as someone who's lost both parents and a spouse: even when the relationship was okay, there was the feeling of 'I should have said / done this that or the other.' And I don't have unresolved issues with my folks or anything.
I'm sure you did the best you could.
I can say this, as someone who's lost both parents and a spouse: even when the relationship was okay, there was the feeling of 'I should have said / done this that or the other.' And I don't have unresolved issues with my folks or anything.
I'm sure you did the best you could.
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