Tacotuesday

So weird & hard to reconcile my thoughts. My AH is a good hider. A GREAT hider. So very few people know what my day to day reality is. I’m of the opinion & made the decision that I’m not going to split up while the kids don’t have a say or are old enough to decide for themselves if they are comfortable being around him. In the meantime I have to build friendships & hobbies & lifelines to attach myself to. But most people can’t understand my choices or life so I feel like I’m hiding/lying. Just such a weird juxtaposition. I’m not totally isolated FWIW. My sister & a good friend know my situation they just happen to live in different states. & I’m not currently in a crisis position - been there & we’ve been coasting through a relatively low use phase (past 2 years or so) where it’s mostly just lonely. Not really looking for advice just needing to vent about how crappy it feels to know that the person you gave everything to is literally incapable of doing anything to fix/create/maintain a healthy relationship.

Bekindalways

Good to hear you have a few relationships where the truth is know. Vent here all you want.

Does Alanon help at all?

Nd819

Hi Taco, I hear you! Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with all the pretending. I really only have 1 friend I can talk to about it, no one else knows the extent of AH's drinking. I too plan on staying for now. It is definitely a lonely place.

Neagrm

I too, chose to stay. Over the years I've built a support system for myself that keeps me going most of the time. I've been able to find peace and serenity through serious, consistent spiritual practice and reaching out to others. Those Twelve-Step principles (Al-Anon) are hard won and require daily work for me to keep centered. I don't always succeed and periodically find myself poised over the bottomless abyss again. But with the help of a few honest and compassionate friends, and 12-step practice, I always climb back up and find perspective, find the light and live in gratitude once more. It does have a schizophrenic feel to it, that "double life." It is lonely and isolating. Somehow I've made peace with it, found an odd kind of acceptance I never thought I'd reach, learned (and still learning) how to be my own best friend even as I live with the non-recovering A. Just for today, this is my story.... Best wishes to you.

nikegoddess112

I'm glad you're here. Please keep reaching out, learning, posting and processing whatever needed.


Al-Anon is a life saver for many. My husband has been through three different recovery centers inpatient programs and is in his illness of active alcoholism again. It's been two years since I've lived with him briefly, and I'm super glad to have learned and made use of the skill of leaving with our youngest son, to keep DS and myself safe.

When our older kids were still home, alcoholism was advancing and I didn't know about Al-Anon, any self-care skills within this realm or how insidious this disease is to family members. I know more now. DS is now 13 and currently living with his sister. This isn't what I wanted, yet it's temporary and getting the end result of him being protected from advanced alcoholism.

Alcoholism is a beast to deal with. I do my part for myself and my kids by continuing and expanding my recovery in Al-Anon.

Small skills easily became game changers. This week I've gained more awareness of the many close, supportive friendships I've gained.

qtpi

I left after the kids were grown. To this day, I don't know whether it would have been better to leave when the kids were at home. My son has nothing to do with me- and my daughter has anxiety and is self-centered but at least we have a relationship and it is growing more loving, and her anxiety is diminishing. I do know if I had left when I had the kids , he would have made life a living hell , and bankrupted me with lawyers. I had the misfortune of picking up on a growing alcohol problem after we had the two kids. I went to Alanon and built my own life, but I didn't have a good alternative either way.