woodlandlost

Hi All,
I am working with my lawyer on a plan to ensure safe visits between EXAW and my DD (age 12). EXAW and I have been apart for a long time now and she is wanting visits, however she has not been doing well in the last month so I stopped visits. I also could not deal with her anymore, as it was too emotional for me so I said, just work out the plan with my lawyer.
The plan is for supervised visits for one month and random alcohol and drug screening 2x/week. If all is successful then a move to unsupervised visits with random testing still.
Last night she had a call with DD, and right after the call, DD came out and said, Ya, Mamma didn't sound good, and said she thought she was drunk.
So I contacted my lawyer and reported what DD said. The lawyer suggested that she raise this concern with my EXAW. I am hesitating to do that...what would you guys suggest I do?

dandylion

woodlandlost, my instinct is to Not drag children into the middle of adult issues. Children have hard enough time of being in the middle of the chaos, anyway.While the lawyer may be good at lawyering. and may have good intentions, it is highly unlikely that he/she is specially trained in child psychology.

SmallButMighty

She whom? your daughter or the lawyer?

woodlandlost

The lawyer wanted to send an email to EXAW the concerns that were raised by my DD. This was more of a notification to the EXAW that a concern was raised. My DD won't be talking to the lawyer, I just wanted to make sure I was documenting any interactions that were concerning. Again, am I being nitpicky? This is so confusing. I want to ensure I document stuff and not let EXAW off the hook. After her phone call with DD last night, I knew stuff was up because EXAW called me, which I declined and texted me how sad she is...

AnvilheadII

testing and supervised visitation is not a punishment - it's a consequence. testing and supervised visitation are not tools to get the other person sober or motivate them to do so. the SOLE focus is the protection of the minor child.
i noticed you stated for one MONTH? how about one YEAR?

velma929

I would keep a journal of your daughter's comments, reactions, and your observations.
Look, you *could* say something to the Ex. If she wasn't drinking, she'll say, "I wasn't drinking." If she was drinking, she'll say, "I wasn't drinking." Either way, you'll feel irritated. So will she.

Ariesagain

IIRC, this has been going on for over ten years?

If so, monitoring and testing for a month seems incredibly inadequate, yes?

Your ex has broken your heart and your daughter’s a thousand times. Please try to protect her from having to monitor her mother’s addiction any more...it’s not her job. Document everything and keep your lawyer informed.

I wish you clarity and strength.

Hawkeye13

At least a year of monitoring WL.

woodlandlost

Thank you to all who responded. The plan going ahead, does included a one year period of monitoring and no overnights for that time. I feel like it is a fair agreement, but she sure does not. She is not feeling respected in the process, she indicates to my lawyer. It does give me pause of course, because my emotions are still tethered to her and inside me there is a part that wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. That part of me is the one who hasn't truly faced the reality of alcoholism and our relationship. I am doing the mature thing, taking precautions with DD and removing myself from the interactions with her. The last few days I have been picturing myself as a small child, maybe 13 years old, kicking and screaming because I lost the love of my life. I have so far to go on this healing journey, it scares the hell out of me. I am facing it though and it is difficult, now for real I feel myself disconnecting and this time it feels very real, as opposed to hanging on with every bit of strength I had. To be clear, I don't know if I am doing the right thing, acting the right way...I guess all I can do is just do it; nature seems to find a way to work with whatever happens after all.

dandylion

WL, of course, this is not about her. Alcoholics often want to make everything about themselves.It is about the welfare and safety of the child. that trumps everything.
Do you think that you may have some subconscious fears of abandonment---perhaps left over from childhood?Has your therapist ever broached this potential issue?

SparkleKitty

It would be so nice if your lawyers could handle everything and you did not even have to know how she feels about the agreement. The safety and care of your daughter's wellbeing supercedes how either of you feel about the way those things need to be handled.

Hawkeye13

It isn’t about her as others have said. She is an adult.Your daughter needs security, stability, and protection from her mother’s addiction and actions.
Nothing else in this equation matters a hill of beans to that.

AnvilheadII

She is not feeling respected in the process, she indicates to my lawyer. It does give me pause of course, because my emotions are still tethered to her and inside me there is a part that wants to give her the benefit of the doubt.
so SHE does not feel respected. what about her CHILD? this has been going on for most of this child's life. 10 years at least with a parent committed to addiction, not to her. never to her. imagine yourself as a 12 year old dealing with this........

Amaranth

Does your daughter know it's ok to end the phonecall if she feels uncomfortable talking to her mother when she is drunk?

Rule number one when dealing with an alcoholic - don't engage with them when they are drunk
Could you give your daughter some phrases to use to end the call in a respectful way?
"you sound tired mum, I'll let you get to bed"
"It's been really nice talking to you mum but I have to phone my friend now"
etc

She is young and it is hard but your daughter could benefit from learning some skills on how to protect herself

hopeful4

This is not about her, or yourself really. Your first priority has to be the safety of your child. Your child deserves that.
Keep putting your child's best interests at heart with every decision, and you won't go wrong.
I would urge soberlink testing.