3PHXWATER

This is my first time reaching out for help. I don't even know how to start, really. I only drink the last hour or 2 before bed and that "only" has been my excuse and justification for a long time. After losing 100 lbs and putting back on 50, I couldn't understand why. I tracked all my calories and should have been losing. But I was in such denial about my drinking, I wasn't counting the vodka which once I did add it in, I found was adding an additional 700-100 calories a day! I decided to cut back and eventually stop. That is when the crashing realization came that I COULDN'T. It had far more control over me than I realized. Then the other side effects started becoming harder, the not remembering the night leading up to falling asleep, the nasty hangovers, the online purchases while drunk, the arguments I started with my husband, the foggy head the next day the feeling like I got no sleep at all. Almost no one in my life knows. I cram an excess amount of vodka in 2 hours of my day and the rest of my life I'm a 41 year old mother with a great career, never miss a day of work, 2 kids who do well in school, are very busy with after school activities. I have become so ashamed of myself and feel in a pit of utter self loathing that I have given my power away. I recently began seeing an addiction specialist who is helping me get through the why and hopefully get me to a point I can stop. He has been encouraging me to cut back little by little but I am having minimal success. Since I am so extremely private, I thought reaching out in an online anonymous group might be therapeutic and maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. My husband and I recently separated and it's been exceptionally emotional for me which isn't proving to be the best timing for me to conquer this. But I can't wait any more. Anyway, if anyone read this novel, I appreciate it! lol Thanks for letting me vent.

least

Welcome to the family. It's very hard for an alcoholic to taper off drinking to get sober. We have no control so tapering is often an exercise in futility.
The easiest way for me was to see my doctor for a short prescription for a benzo to take the first few days after quitting drinking. The benzo minimizes the withdrawal anxiety and reduces the risk of seizure.
I hope you can find a way to stop for good. I got sober over 10 yrs ago and don't regret a minute of it.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Coldfusion

Welcome!
Least gave a good description if how I quit drinking too. But alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful--it will try to sneak back into your life. I have used the program of AA to keep myself sober for over seven years--meetings are all on-line now, so give it a try!
https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL

Anna

Welcome and I'm glad you know that you need to stop drinking alcohol. Tapering off alcohol is almost impossible for us alcoholics. It just doesn't work. Stopping completely is really much easier. If you are concerned about withdrawal symptoms, you could check with your doctor before stopping.
The guilt and shame you feel is a big component of alcoholism. And, it can keep you hooked by making you feel so bad, you drink again. I went through that cycle multiple times. Try to focus on the stopping drinking and on positive steps you are taking in your life to change things.

D122y

I quit drinking so far for health reasons.

I didn't see a Dr. until I had been quit for 2 years.

The alcohol question comes up for so many different reason, I didn't want it in. Y medical history.

It was a good choice for me.

But, if it is the difference between life or arguable stigma....

The reason I drank was due to booze cause brain damage. It has taken years of off and on suffering to quit this long.

There are many ways to get sober. I quit by using SR, some AA, and google.

This way of quitting was not possible 20 years ago. The www was not mature enough.

Education, time, and suffering.

Quitting was very difficult, but very very very worth it.

This place saved my life.

Thanks.

D122y

Sorry about the typos. The techies had to fix some stuff and....

Patience.

Berrybean

Welcome. Glad you found this place. This forum really helped me to learn about alcoholism and to stay sober. You have recognised how alcohol makes your life unmanageable, and have also realized that once you've had one drink, the others are pretty inevitable.
At the moment AA is pretty much operating through online meetings, so it might be a good time to give that a try as well.
BB

RecklessDrunk

I had a similar drinking pattern through much of my drinking career. In my 20s, it was work, school, fitness. I had a busy life and a circle of friends but drank every night. I can't control myself once I drink so I'd wash it down with sleeping pills and marijuana. It was actually because of my diet philosophy that I cut back to a couple nights per week. This lasted well over 10 more years. As far as nights not drinking, for an alcoholic I fought off the obsession to drink about as well as one could hope for. The trouble was, besides the occasional mid week slip up, many of those nights I still planned to drink were turning into disasters.
You might want to try an AA meeting once they resume. I went for decades with the belief that it would be impossible to live my life without alcohol. One of my best friends through most of my life was a recovering addict. As much I admired those kind of people that kind of life was not for me. The thought of a life without alcohol terrified me. What should have terrified me was the control alcohol was taking of my life. Besides the damage done, some of the near misses could have been absolutely tragic.ÂÂ I went to AA on my lawyer's advice and my first reaction was like are you kidding me? How am I going to find time for this? I couldnt believe how much time I really had once I stopped drinking. I couldn't believe how much my anxiety started to back off and get more manageable. Through the steps I started to understand myself better and the reasons I drink.

Dee74

Lots of good advice here so I'll just say welcome 3PHXWATER
SR saved my life no doubt - it was great for me to know I wasn't alone
D

TiredCarpenter

Welcome 3PH!
You will find much caring and sharing here.
It is a good place for shy people and introverts too!
Keep posting. Glad you are here.

EndGameNYC

Welcome, 3PHX.

I've treated myself to numerous terrifying realizations over the years, including knowing that I could not stay sober on my own. More than once.

One of the most difficult things for me was to challenge my self-loathing, to take a more critical look at how that came to be rather than just accept it as a given. It's been hard work and work that's been worth it.

In a place like this -- and there's no place like this -- you can allow other people to take better care of you until you feel able to do it with or without support. (I would go with "with support.")

Reaching out for support can make all the difference.

Robbie64

Welcome 3PHXWATER SR is a great place for support so please keep posting.

Livlib

Hi and welcome.2 years ago I finally got fed up of drinking and ruining my health Nevermind the scary withdrawals. I slowly tapered over a month then quit hardly any withdrawals except anxiety which I still battle with today. It can be done but you have to want to do it otherwise it becomes an excuse to keep drinking. Good luck x

Reid82

Welcome to SR. You'll find great support and help here. Alcoholism will rob you of everything if you don't get a check on it, you sound like you have a lot to lose too. Best of luck in your new journey.

Surrendered19

Welcome 3PHXWater. SR is a great place. Tapering was never a remote possibility with me. If there was alcohol in my possession in my drinking days, I drank it. And if it wasn't in my possession, I quickly remedied that. Drinking until I tipped over or not drinking all were my only two choices.
As soon as you have some sober time, I think you'll look back too and realize that the people in your life weren't nearly as clueless as you think. I'm sure some of them already know you drink way too much. Us boozers aren't nearly as sneaky as we pride ourselves on being.
I'm glad you are going to stop drinking. A calm, healthy and more simple life awaits you. It will be amazing.