freedomfries

I'm on day 0. Drank Listerine this morning. Couldn't wait for the offie to open so I could at least drink beer. Had to drink Listerine. Naturally I feel awful now. If I had waited for beer my stomach wouldn't be in bits right now. But no, no patience. So I drank Listerine.

I'm supposed to be returning to college on sept 14 to do the last year of my degree. Not the first September I planned on starting it. I always ****** it up because of booze and/or drugs.

But this year I need to do it. I have 21 weeks until Sept 14th. I need to make each week count and get ready. I'm going to go on Antabuse as soon as my psychiatrist will prescribe it. I'm going to go to daily online SMART meetings. I'm going to work the SMART program. I'm going to post on SR.

Dee74

I'm wishing you the best FF.

I never used to believe I could live without alcohol - I was wrong.

I know you can do this - it'll be rough, but as long as you don;t let that inner addict voice win you'll be ok.

Let it shout scream and curse you, It needs you to get what it wants.
If you refuse to cooperate, there's nothing it can do about that.

21 weeks should be more than enough to put you in a good place - emotionally, financially and healthwise - by September.

Keep your eyes on the prize.

D

freedomfries

Thanks Dee.

I tend to forget the AV doesn't really speak for me.

I want to stay sober for myriad reasons.

It wants to drink and I don't need to listen to it.
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Obladi

Congratulations on making the decision to be done. If you're drinking mouthwash, seems like you might need some medical support through withdrawal?

In my neck of the woods, a physician would rarely if ever prescribe meds for home detox. I'd wager they would do so now, though.

21 weeks - it's a good number. Imagine how great you'll feel at 5 months sober!

freedomfries

I don't need medical detox fortunately. I was sober the last three days and relapsed today so I haven't been constantly drinking

Reid82

Good luck on your journey- sounds like things are pretty bad and probably a detox is in order too. I'm not sure the effect that drinking that would have on the body? You might want to keep an eye out incase you start to feel ill soon.

freedomfries

It's not my first time at the Listerine rodeo. I'll be fine!

Obladi

Ah, I was confused because you said you "had" to drink Listerine.

I guess that was ironic?

I'm pretty hard core, but I've never woken from a sober sleep and decided I had to drink right then and there. That sounds really awful, man. I can't even imagine.

freedomfries

Well I just vomited up some mouthwash and coffee
Feel a bit better

biminiblue

What was the thought process you went through?

I'm not asking you to tell us, but delve into that.

Some thought triggered this. Then you grabbed on to that thought and let it spin around in your head until you got yourself so wound up that it ended in a drink - which is the alcoholic's go-to response for anything. Not surprising, but avoidable.

When the thoughts come don't ask them to sit and chat, just let the thoughts come in one door and go right out the other.

It's the ruminating and dwelling on things that leads to bad actions. Cut it off at the thought level. "I don't drink. No matter what."

thomas11

Listerine eah? whew. Anyway, 21 weeks is a good stretch to get some sober time under your feet. Once you get to college, you know what that atmosphere is like and I'm guessing temptation will be at your feet daily. I'd try and mentally prepare for that. Maybe the medication will do the trick. Good luck.

TiredCarpenter

Been there......mouthwash, Lysol (yuck, didn’t work), hand sanitizer.....

Keep posting. Continue with SMART or any recovery program.

You CAN do this. One day the clouds will break.

Thanks for posting.

Sober369

I love that you are so determined, Freedom. It shows in your post. I hope the mouthwash doesn't make you very ill. I've heard that it can.
My downfall at the point you are at would probably be that I start thinking, 'well, I've blown it now anyway, might as well get something out of it and buy some real booze.' That would be my AV tricking me. It worked for a long time, until I finally realized that it was keeping me drinking.
You're at such a good space right now, I hope you can keep it going all day and go to bed sober tonight. It always starts with one day, every time.
Sending hugs and love to you!

sugarbear1

https://www.smartrecovery.org/community/calendar.php

Anna

You have the motivation to stop drinking so you can go back to school. Make use of SMART and SR. We're here for you.

Cityboy

Don't know if I will be helpful here, or if I'm ever helpful for that matter, but I never had any luck with deciding to quit for reason X. The best that I could ever do was to possibly avoid drinking the night before some important activity the next morning that would require me to not have a hangover, and that type of management was tentative at best. Just saying that if I were in your shoes, quitting 'so that I would be ready for school to start', while being a very good reason, would have had very little chance of success. I had tried so many mental games, like if I went all week, I would reward myself with a case of beer for the weekend, which might last until tuesday. Trying to just concentrate on THAT DAY, which usually lasted until about 4:30 in the afternoon. Trying to just pickup a 4-pack to limit myself, which would likely just result in a raid of my wife's apple ciders after the 4-pack was gone. Finally just decided that I was sick of it all and just wanted out, then found SR.

Verdantia

I've been there, FF--so low that I drank mouthwash--repeatedly-- and so out of it that I didn't care. I can tell you are appalled and really DO care, and you sound very determined. Do it--you can quit for good and succeed in school. I dreamed of finishing my degree for many years, but drinking always stood in the way--I knew I could never handle it. I got sober 4 years and 5 months ago (finally), and 2 years ago I started college. Now I'm almost through, only one more class after this semester. I pray you use that 21 weeks to your advantage, and I wish you all the best on your sober journey.