Just disowned by my parents
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I'm sorry.
That is a most hurtful and manipulative note from your dad. Your parents are not emotionally healthy people. I doubt you've heard the last of them. That was clearly written to push buttons and elicit a response from you. It also certainly reveals your dad's degree of codependence though doesn't it?!
I am estranged from some family members too. It's not a comfortable feeling.
*hugs*
That is a most hurtful and manipulative note from your dad. Your parents are not emotionally healthy people. I doubt you've heard the last of them. That was clearly written to push buttons and elicit a response from you. It also certainly reveals your dad's degree of codependence though doesn't it?!
I am estranged from some family members too. It's not a comfortable feeling.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Well, you know, people are funny sometimes. Resentments grow and they then feel they are justified to just lash out at the other person, instead of trying to work it out.
Not that your Father's words are lashing out per se, but he is obviously not equipped to handle this, certainly not anymore.
Let your Mum try and get over you? That there gives an indication of his lack of understanding of how all this works. Mother's don't get "over" their children, it's not just a thing that happens. Obviously she has an emotional disconnect (from everyone) in the form of alcohol and what that has done to her.
It doesn't surprise me at all that he "chose" her (for lack of a better term). He doesn't really have a choice. She is, for better or worse, his wife.
As absolutely hurtful as this is, in the longer run it might actually be better for you and your family.
I'm sure you are also a bit angry and might feel the need to reply, personally I would wait several days or a week if you do want to reply to let your feelings clear a little.
Not that your Father's words are lashing out per se, but he is obviously not equipped to handle this, certainly not anymore.
Let your Mum try and get over you? That there gives an indication of his lack of understanding of how all this works. Mother's don't get "over" their children, it's not just a thing that happens. Obviously she has an emotional disconnect (from everyone) in the form of alcohol and what that has done to her.
It doesn't surprise me at all that he "chose" her (for lack of a better term). He doesn't really have a choice. She is, for better or worse, his wife.
As absolutely hurtful as this is, in the longer run it might actually be better for you and your family.
I'm sure you are also a bit angry and might feel the need to reply, personally I would wait several days or a week if you do want to reply to let your feelings clear a little.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
That hurts, but I also see it as manipulation by your mother to get you back into the toxic family pattern. Your dad is so deeply embedded he just doesn't have the tools to see the truth or act independently from your mother and her selfish addiction right now.
I would not respond, since this note was clearly sent to generate a response.
At least let some time pass, and hold the line. This is a really unhealthy dynamic and I admire your ability to see that and step back, hard as it is. . .
I would not respond, since this note was clearly sent to generate a response.
At least let some time pass, and hold the line. This is a really unhealthy dynamic and I admire your ability to see that and step back, hard as it is. . .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Unfortunately, you are not the first child here who found out that when push came to shove, their alcoholic parent's demands superseded their child's actual needs.
My father used to ask me constantly to forgive my abuser and see her again. He even did it again a couple weeks ago, and it's been twenty-plus years since I've seen her. And she's not even his wife! It used to hurt me tremendously, but I now realize that he's merely showing the characteristics of someone extremely conflict-avoidant. It doesn't give him a pass for turning a blind eye to what she did (and in fact when he brought it up, I called him on it, and told him that I was still angry at him for ignoring the signs even when he got suspicious.)
I also told him that twenty plus year ago, I realized that I had a choice. I could pretend that the abuse didn't happen, pretend that my depression and suicide ideation didn't even exist in the first place. Things may have been temporarily hunky dory for a while, but I would have ended up in the same place as my sister, who is the reason why I'm on this site to begin with. The depression was horrible and messy, but I would absolutely go through it again to live the life I have now. I got to "do the work" of recovering from the abuse and determining my own self-worth without the warped voices of my family (who I still love very much) diverting me from the path.
There's this beautiful passage from Cheryl Strayed (author of "Wild") from her days as Dear Sugar that might be of some use to you. Jump down to "My older brother has terrorized me for as long as I can remember..." if you don't want to read the whole thing.
https://therumpus.net/2010/12/dear-s...llish-edition/
It's these words that strike me...
"You both expressed fear about your parents being hurt by your choices, and perhaps you’re right that there will be pain. C, your cooperation in your parents’ wildy codependent behaviors has likely been a consolation to them. Not Even Getting Coal, as you know so well, your obedience to your mother’s irrationality and abuse is what makes the whole thing work. When you set new boundaries—when you say that you will not tolerate certain behaviors any longer—there will be strife and sorrow. But your lives will be changed for the better. And maybe—just maybe—the example you set will motivate the people you love to make some changes of their own."
My father used to ask me constantly to forgive my abuser and see her again. He even did it again a couple weeks ago, and it's been twenty-plus years since I've seen her. And she's not even his wife! It used to hurt me tremendously, but I now realize that he's merely showing the characteristics of someone extremely conflict-avoidant. It doesn't give him a pass for turning a blind eye to what she did (and in fact when he brought it up, I called him on it, and told him that I was still angry at him for ignoring the signs even when he got suspicious.)
I also told him that twenty plus year ago, I realized that I had a choice. I could pretend that the abuse didn't happen, pretend that my depression and suicide ideation didn't even exist in the first place. Things may have been temporarily hunky dory for a while, but I would have ended up in the same place as my sister, who is the reason why I'm on this site to begin with. The depression was horrible and messy, but I would absolutely go through it again to live the life I have now. I got to "do the work" of recovering from the abuse and determining my own self-worth without the warped voices of my family (who I still love very much) diverting me from the path.
There's this beautiful passage from Cheryl Strayed (author of "Wild") from her days as Dear Sugar that might be of some use to you. Jump down to "My older brother has terrorized me for as long as I can remember..." if you don't want to read the whole thing.
https://therumpus.net/2010/12/dear-s...llish-edition/
It's these words that strike me...
"You both expressed fear about your parents being hurt by your choices, and perhaps you’re right that there will be pain. C, your cooperation in your parents’ wildy codependent behaviors has likely been a consolation to them. Not Even Getting Coal, as you know so well, your obedience to your mother’s irrationality and abuse is what makes the whole thing work. When you set new boundaries—when you say that you will not tolerate certain behaviors any longer—there will be strife and sorrow. But your lives will be changed for the better. And maybe—just maybe—the example you set will motivate the people you love to make some changes of their own."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Flyover Country
Posts: 45
I'm so sorry EG, I saw your original post yesterday and I had to step away for awhile, it made me so angry. This is just the kind of thing my parents would do to me. I agree with previous posts, it seems that this message was intended to hurt you as deeply as possible and draw you back in. I also think this is not the last you will hear from your father.
When I receive nasty/manipulative messages from my parents, I simply refuse to engage at all (although this is really tough to do). It helps to remind myself that they are very unlikely to change their behaviors, and certainly there's nothing I can do to make them change.
When I receive nasty/manipulative messages from my parents, I simply refuse to engage at all (although this is really tough to do). It helps to remind myself that they are very unlikely to change their behaviors, and certainly there's nothing I can do to make them change.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hugs. I'm estranged from my dad (not because of alcohol) and I can foresee this being a big problem with my mum too. I have a rather unhealthy family situation but I love my mum lots so it hurts. There is a group called standalone in the UK which does a number of podcasts on estrangement which I have found really helps. You are doing the right thing, after all doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is madness.
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