Dealing with guilt sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Dealing with guilt sober
How do you do this? My dad was an opioid addict (overprescribed from his doc who is now in jail) and died at 53 (in 2016). In the 3 or 4 years of his decline I pretty much abandoned him because it was too hard to watch and I believed he was choosing his path. Recently things have begun flooding back in and I'm feeling extremely guilty. Right about now is when I would go smoke weed to numb myself but that's not an option. Does anyone have some advice? It just hit me suddenly like a freight train while listening to one of the songs played at his funeral (the song was "I'm so lonesome I could cry").
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sorry for your loss. I am 55 and have a 16 year old son that I love deeply.
I imagine weed has the some of the same end game negative mental effects as booze. Specifically, paranoia and obsessing?
If it does, let me know and I can tell you what I have done so far to stay clean and sane.
Thanks.
I imagine weed has the some of the same end game negative mental effects as booze. Specifically, paranoia and obsessing?
If it does, let me know and I can tell you what I have done so far to stay clean and sane.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
That is a tough one cantsleep. I think you should forgive yourself for what happened with your Dad because you simply couldn't know what he was going through at that point. Learning and telling others like you are doing here is the most important amends you can make on that one.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I'm sorry about the loss of your Dad. Forgiving yourself will be essential to your recovery. It doesn't mean forgetting about the feelings you had and what choices your dad made. It means letting go of blaming yourself. You did what you needed to do at the time. You made the best choices you could make.
As an aside, hearing certain songs out of the blue, was one of the hardest things for me to deal with in early recovery. Music is a huge part of my life and certain songs bring on strong emotions. I would be blindsided sometimes, hearing a certain song. in a mall or while walking somewhere. I found it helped to stop and breathe deeply and try to ground myself.
As an aside, hearing certain songs out of the blue, was one of the hardest things for me to deal with in early recovery. Music is a huge part of my life and certain songs bring on strong emotions. I would be blindsided sometimes, hearing a certain song. in a mall or while walking somewhere. I found it helped to stop and breathe deeply and try to ground myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by Anna 
I'm sorry about the loss of your Dad. Forgiving yourself will be essential to your recovery. It doesn't mean forgetting about the feelings you had and what choices your dad made. It means letting go of blaming yourself. You did what you needed to do at the time. You made the best choices you could make.
As an aside, hearing certain songs out of the blue, was one of the hardest things for me to deal with in early recovery. Music is a huge part of my life and certain songs bring on strong emotions. I would be blindsided sometimes, hearing a certain song. in a mall or while walking somewhere. I found it helped to stop and breathe deeply and try to ground myself.
As an aside, hearing certain songs out of the blue, was one of the hardest things for me to deal with in early recovery. Music is a huge part of my life and certain songs bring on strong emotions. I would be blindsided sometimes, hearing a certain song. in a mall or while walking somewhere. I found it helped to stop and breathe deeply and try to ground myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
To me forgiving yourself is about looking at what you have done, deciding if there is guilt involved then realizing how you could/could have done better.
That's how you grow and change.
You might like this Ted Talk from Brene Brown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...ature=emb_logo
That's how you grow and change.
You might like this Ted Talk from Brene Brown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...ature=emb_logo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
For me- forgiveness is difficult. First comes understanding and acceptance of what is- is (I got that), but letting go is hard. I remember it is not what we think or feel that defines our quality, but what we do with these things. Support to you.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Working on myself first thru AA and both counseling and a psych for treatment and meds has been essential. I also have an understanding and empathy for my alcoholic mom (now in recovery awhile) that I didn't and simply couldn't have had as a kid and teen when her drinking was at its worst.
Working on me then allows me to have a compassion for others, and forgive them. Dealing with guilt and its cousin resentment is tough. And a process.
Working on me then allows me to have a compassion for others, and forgive them. Dealing with guilt and its cousin resentment is tough. And a process.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by trailmix
To me forgiving yourself is about looking at what you have done, deciding if there is guilt involved then realizing how you could/could have done better.
That's how you grow and change.
You might like this Ted Talk from Brene Brown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...ature=emb_logo
That's how you grow and change.
You might like this Ted Talk from Brene Brown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...ature=emb_logo
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Originally Posted by cantsleep123
I always hear that you should forgive yourself but don't really know how that goes. I tend to beat myself up endlessly for everything. I guess I need some tools to do that.
“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.” For me, I began to understand that obsessing about how I could have, should have made better choices was pointless. Going over scenarios in my mind again and again, brought nothing but pain. I hope those words can help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by trailmix
To me forgiving yourself is about looking at what you have done, deciding if there is guilt involved then realizing how you could/could have done better.
That's how you grow and change.
You might like this Ted Talk from Brene Brown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...ature=emb_logo
That's how you grow and change.
You might like this Ted Talk from Brene Brown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...ature=emb_logo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I tend to hold on to things much longer than is necessary or healthy. I've had to find ways to "let go" [release**....forgiving yourself is like letting go of something that is weighing you down....
Are you sure you really "abandoned" him or were you trying to preserve yourself [understandable]? Maybe a way to resolve this guilt you feel is to lose the word "abandon". I don't know all the details, but it's not your fault he was an opiod addict and it's not your fault he died.
I know how some songs can trigger emotions.
"I'm so lonesome I could cry" was written by Hank Williams Sr., a very prolific song writer...but many of his songs were laced with woe and heartbreak...as was his life. He died at age 29 of alcohol, Seconal, and morphine OD. Ironically, the song that triggered you was inspired by the same thing that is plaguing you,but Hank Sr. also wrote several gospel songs. Then his son and now his grandson have put the family story to music.
From the time we are little there is almost no one who can make us feel as guilty as our parents do....even from their graves. But, you don't have to pack this one around. Changing the station is an excellent move.
I like to think that for every triggering song out there, there are just as many if not more songs that are inspiring and uplifting.
Are you sure you really "abandoned" him or were you trying to preserve yourself [understandable]? Maybe a way to resolve this guilt you feel is to lose the word "abandon". I don't know all the details, but it's not your fault he was an opiod addict and it's not your fault he died.
I know how some songs can trigger emotions.
"I'm so lonesome I could cry" was written by Hank Williams Sr., a very prolific song writer...but many of his songs were laced with woe and heartbreak...as was his life. He died at age 29 of alcohol, Seconal, and morphine OD. Ironically, the song that triggered you was inspired by the same thing that is plaguing you,but Hank Sr. also wrote several gospel songs. Then his son and now his grandson have put the family story to music.
From the time we are little there is almost no one who can make us feel as guilty as our parents do....even from their graves. But, you don't have to pack this one around. Changing the station is an excellent move.
I like to think that for every triggering song out there, there are just as many if not more songs that are inspiring and uplifting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I tend to hold on to things much longer than is necessary or healthy. I've had to find ways to "let go" [release**....forgiving yourself is like letting go of something that is weighing you down....
Are you sure you really "abandoned" him or were you trying to preserve yourself [understandable]? Maybe a way to resolve this guilt you feel is to lose the word "abandon". I don't know all the details, but it's not your fault he was an opiod addict and it's not your fault he died.
I know how some songs can trigger emotions.
"I'm so lonesome I could cry" was written by Hank Williams Sr., a very prolific song writer...but many of his songs were laced with woe and heartbreak...as was his life. He died at age 29 of alcohol, Seconal, and morphine OD. Ironically, the song that triggered you was inspired by the same thing that is plaguing you,but Hank Sr. also wrote several gospel songs. Then his son and now his grandson have put the family story to music.
From the time we are little there is almost no one who can make us feel as guilty as our parents do....even from their graves. But, you don't have to pack this one around. Changing the station is an excellent move.
I like to think that for every triggering song out there, there are just as many if not more songs that are inspiring and uplifting.
Are you sure you really "abandoned" him or were you trying to preserve yourself [understandable]? Maybe a way to resolve this guilt you feel is to lose the word "abandon". I don't know all the details, but it's not your fault he was an opiod addict and it's not your fault he died.
I know how some songs can trigger emotions.
"I'm so lonesome I could cry" was written by Hank Williams Sr., a very prolific song writer...but many of his songs were laced with woe and heartbreak...as was his life. He died at age 29 of alcohol, Seconal, and morphine OD. Ironically, the song that triggered you was inspired by the same thing that is plaguing you,but Hank Sr. also wrote several gospel songs. Then his son and now his grandson have put the family story to music.
From the time we are little there is almost no one who can make us feel as guilty as our parents do....even from their graves. But, you don't have to pack this one around. Changing the station is an excellent move.
I like to think that for every triggering song out there, there are just as many if not more songs that are inspiring and uplifting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have nothing to add to the great suggestions above but I'm sorry for your loss cantsleep.
For what its worth I think teatreeoil is on the money here
learning to deal with feelings is tough but sober I re-learned something I'd forgotten - we will move through things and come to terms with them - feelings , even the bad ones, will pass.
D
For what its worth I think teatreeoil is on the money here
Are you sure you really "abandoned" him or were you trying to preserve yourself [understandable]? Maybe a way to resolve this guilt you feel is to lose the word "abandon". I don't know all the details, but it's not your fault he was an opiod addict and it's not your fault he died.
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
cantsleep - I tortured myself with thoughts when I was first sober, too. Memories of things I said or failed to say, etc. It almost led me back to drinking again - until I talked about it here & received some comforting advice. I hope starting this thread will help lessen your anxiety. Obviously, you're a caring & sensitive person or you wouldn't be thinking about what happened. Please be easy on yourself.
Remember that numbing keeps us on square one emotionally - we don't grow or change. What you're feeling now is normal - the regret & wishing it could have been different - but you must let it go. Give yourself a fair chance to recover and heal. I'm quite sure that's what your dad would want.
Remember that numbing keeps us on square one emotionally - we don't grow or change. What you're feeling now is normal - the regret & wishing it could have been different - but you must let it go. Give yourself a fair chance to recover and heal. I'm quite sure that's what your dad would want.
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