Light bulb moments
Dancing To My Own Beat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Light bulb moments
I've been working on my amends with my mother. Part of my work is to put some time and space between us so that I can get a better perspective on our relationship. This hasn't been easy. I have a hard time not pleasing her, and staying away doesn't please her.
Anyway, I have gotten some light bulb moments in the past couple of days, so I will share.
First, my mother is extremely controlling. She never taught me to do anything. She always did it for me, and berated me for not being able to do things. My light bulb moment came when I was listening to a speaker talk about how she wasn't able to understand her mother's way of showing love. I started thinking about how my mom grew up. She was abandoned by her alcoholic father, and her mother had to go to work. She was basically neglected, and left to take care of herself and her brother with no emotional support. I thought about how that had affected her. Her idea of love would be someone who never left, who took complete care of you, and who didn't make you fend for yourself. It hit me that she loved me enough to not want me to feel the way she had as a child. Unfortunately, going to the opposite extreme still creates no balance, so I suffered. But I know now that she showed me she loved me in the best way she could.
My second lightbulb moment was that I could love her without demanding she do what I wanted her too. This concept was something I learned with my alcoholic husband a while ago. But I couldn't see this with my mother. She doesn't have the ability to be the mother I need. But I found someone who is not only able but enthusiastic about that kind of relationship with me. I kept looking in the wrong place. My sponsor in Al-Anon is the kind of mother I need.
So I can now allow my mother to be who she is, and accept the love she offers in her own way. I can heal and grow. I don't have to be angry with her anymore. I don't have to be afraid of her anymore. I don't have to be a child anymore.
I don't expect that I won't struggle with this and that it won't be uncomfortable to begin with. No change that I have gone through has been smooth and blissful. But the healing has begun. Hugs, Magic
Anyway, I have gotten some light bulb moments in the past couple of days, so I will share.
First, my mother is extremely controlling. She never taught me to do anything. She always did it for me, and berated me for not being able to do things. My light bulb moment came when I was listening to a speaker talk about how she wasn't able to understand her mother's way of showing love. I started thinking about how my mom grew up. She was abandoned by her alcoholic father, and her mother had to go to work. She was basically neglected, and left to take care of herself and her brother with no emotional support. I thought about how that had affected her. Her idea of love would be someone who never left, who took complete care of you, and who didn't make you fend for yourself. It hit me that she loved me enough to not want me to feel the way she had as a child. Unfortunately, going to the opposite extreme still creates no balance, so I suffered. But I know now that she showed me she loved me in the best way she could.
My second lightbulb moment was that I could love her without demanding she do what I wanted her too. This concept was something I learned with my alcoholic husband a while ago. But I couldn't see this with my mother. She doesn't have the ability to be the mother I need. But I found someone who is not only able but enthusiastic about that kind of relationship with me. I kept looking in the wrong place. My sponsor in Al-Anon is the kind of mother I need.
So I can now allow my mother to be who she is, and accept the love she offers in her own way. I can heal and grow. I don't have to be angry with her anymore. I don't have to be afraid of her anymore. I don't have to be a child anymore.
I don't expect that I won't struggle with this and that it won't be uncomfortable to begin with. No change that I have gone through has been smooth and blissful. But the healing has begun. Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Massillon, Ohio
Posts: 387
Thanks for sharing. My relationship with my mom is not a good one. But I sometimes forget that she is also affected by my dad's drinking. my mom does what she knows is best. There have been some turning points in are relationship in the past week or so and my mom said she will go with my to my Al-Anon Christmas Party where I will be reading the 12 steps infront of about 100 people. My mom prbably never got o Al-Anon but to have her there means she supports me and if she does not support me that is okay to because I know my dreams and goals and i am going for them.
Love,
Shana, 19
Love,
Shana, 19
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