Waking up in night sweats
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Waking up in night sweats
Hi everyone I have recently admitted my partner to rehab as he has struggled with alcohol addiction and now Benzos.
We are not allowed to have contact at the moment but I am waking up every night freaking out that he is having an inappropriate relationship with another patient at the rehab facility. My trust is completely broken and we have made a lot of plans for our life together. I am afraid that if he is cheating he won’t tell me and just keep using me. I know I have to trust but my gut feeling is driving me insane. He’s been in treatment for a week now
We are not allowed to have contact at the moment but I am waking up every night freaking out that he is having an inappropriate relationship with another patient at the rehab facility. My trust is completely broken and we have made a lot of plans for our life together. I am afraid that if he is cheating he won’t tell me and just keep using me. I know I have to trust but my gut feeling is driving me insane. He’s been in treatment for a week now
Is there a history of your partner cheating on you? just wondering where the gut feeling is coming from?Member
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Hello
Thank you for you question. No he has not cheated before but I have read how it is a common thing for this to happen as in rehab people connect with each other because of their problems and often replace one addiction with sex. My therapist says it’s just I thought burn I have read so many things online that this is true. I am struggling to function and feel constantly sick. The worst is that I will never know whether he cheated or not.
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Location: UK
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The last thing on my mind was having an affair while detoxing. Try not to worry because doubting him and questioning him when he comes home won't help either of you get through this. None of us can prevent our partners straying anyway unless we lock them up! I do understand as I have low self esteem and anxiety and would probably fret about the same thing, but as an addict I can also see his side and he will need you to not focus on this at all x
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Have you ever heard the expression "self fulfilling prophecy"?
Our insecurities and fears can often cause us to behave in ways (clinginess, nagging, suffocating) that can drive the other person away and cause the scenario we fear.
He's (hopefully) working and focusing on bettering himself, and the fact that your focus is on the possibility of his cheating and not his ultimate recovery and well being is a huge red flag.
Im glad youre seeing a therapist. Its really not healthy for HIS journey/recovery to be consuming your thoughts.
Additionally, you have no control over his behavior, in or out of rehab.
This seems like an issue bound to rear its ugly head no matter how much assurace you get from him or anyone else, and Im sure your therapist can guide you better than anyone else.
Peace of mind is priceless, and no one else can or should have to give it to you.
Our insecurities and fears can often cause us to behave in ways (clinginess, nagging, suffocating) that can drive the other person away and cause the scenario we fear.
He's (hopefully) working and focusing on bettering himself, and the fact that your focus is on the possibility of his cheating and not his ultimate recovery and well being is a huge red flag.
Im glad youre seeing a therapist. Its really not healthy for HIS journey/recovery to be consuming your thoughts.
Additionally, you have no control over his behavior, in or out of rehab.
This seems like an issue bound to rear its ugly head no matter how much assurace you get from him or anyone else, and Im sure your therapist can guide you better than anyone else.
Peace of mind is priceless, and no one else can or should have to give it to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Originally Posted by ShiftHappens 
Have you ever heard the expression "self fulfilling prophecy"?
Our insecurities and fears can often cause us to behave in ways (clinginess, nagging, suffocating) that can drive the other person away and cause the scenario we fear.
He's (hopefully) working and focusing on bettering himself, and the fact that your focus is on the possibility of his cheating and not his ultimate recovery and well being is a huge red flag.
Im glad youre seeing a therapist. Its really not healthy for HIS journey/recovery to be consuming your thoughts.
Additionally, you have no control over his behavior, in or out of rehab.
This seems like an issue bound to rear its ugly head no matter how much assurace you get from him or anyone else, and Im sure your therapist can guide you better than anyone else.
Peace of mind is priceless, and no one else can or should have to give it to you.
Our insecurities and fears can often cause us to behave in ways (clinginess, nagging, suffocating) that can drive the other person away and cause the scenario we fear.
He's (hopefully) working and focusing on bettering himself, and the fact that your focus is on the possibility of his cheating and not his ultimate recovery and well being is a huge red flag.
Im glad youre seeing a therapist. Its really not healthy for HIS journey/recovery to be consuming your thoughts.
Additionally, you have no control over his behavior, in or out of rehab.
This seems like an issue bound to rear its ugly head no matter how much assurace you get from him or anyone else, and Im sure your therapist can guide you better than anyone else.
Peace of mind is priceless, and no one else can or should have to give it to you.
thanks for this I realize that it won’t help with his recovery. But again I was the one that forced him to go to rehab so whether he actually wants to recover is another question.
My concern isn’t whether he cheats or not it’s about where we are at in the relationship and if he can actually be honest.
when I dropped him at rehab he told me he’s breaking up with me because I haven’t packed his sleeping pills. I will never know if he cheats or not, I feel like he’s caused me so much pain and broken my trust so many times I don’t know how to believe in him anymore.
I almost want him to tell it to me so I can protect myself from going through more pain.
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Originally Posted by daisy1
The last thing on my mind was having an affair while detoxing. Try not to worry because doubting him and questioning him when he comes home won't help either of you get through this. None of us can prevent our partners straying anyway unless we lock them up! I do understand as I have low self esteem and anxiety and would probably fret about the same thing, but as an addict I can also see his side and he will need you to not focus on this at all x
but he didn’t admit he has a problem. I gave him an ultimatum to go to rehab and don’t think he’s gonna change. I don’t know why I just can’t trust the process or let it go. My mind is seriously playing tricks on me. But yes I acknowledge that’s i cant control this. Seeing my therapist in person tomorrow and talking to him for the first time on the phone tonight.
Thank you for your reply I feel very lost and broken
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Location: UK
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Sounds like your trust in him is broken, and you don't sound selfish at all, we addicts leave people completely messed up. You're doing the right thing voicing your fears and talking it out as that's the only thing that will help right now. I'm a strong advocate of gut feeling but without evidence it's impossible to take action and all you can do is worry and feel like you're going insane! Big hugs x
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
Honestly if I were you I'd take a break from this relationship, possibly for a LONG LONG time. Maybe permanently.
Hes going to have many many changes to make.
Im probably older than you both, but knowing what I know now I'd put some space between you.
Have you read "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty?
I think you might find it really helpful.
Hes going to have many many changes to make.
Im probably older than you both, but knowing what I know now I'd put some space between you.
Have you read "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty?
I think you might find it really helpful.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by daisy1
Sounds like your trust in him is broken, and you don't sound selfish at all, we addicts leave people completely messed up. You're doing the right thing voicing your fears and talking it out as that's the only thing that will help right now. I'm a strong advocate of gut feeling but without evidence it's impossible to take action and all you can do is worry and feel like you're going insane! Big hugs x
doubt him I won’t be useful to his recovery. So I have to choose between leaving him and supporting him despite my insecurities. I have to pull myself together it’s just painful but I can do it thanks for the support Xxx
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Originally Posted by daisy1
Sounds like your trust in him is broken, and you don't sound selfish at all, we addicts leave people completely messed up. You're doing the right thing voicing your fears and talking it out as that's the only thing that will help right now. I'm a strong advocate of gut feeling but without evidence it's impossible to take action and all you can do is worry and feel like you're going insane! Big hugs x
Originally Posted by ShiftHappens
Honestly if I were you I'd take a break from this relationship, possibly for a LONG LONG time. Maybe permanently.
Hes going to have many many changes to make.
Im probably older than you both, but knowing what I know now I'd put some space between you.
Have you read "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty?
I think you might find it really helpful.
Hes going to have many many changes to make.
Im probably older than you both, but knowing what I know now I'd put some space between you.
Have you read "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty?
I think you might find it really helpful.
I understand we might need space but I am in the process of moving for my career and would like to know what the heck he wants before I leave as before the second accident we had plans to move together.
I won’t have trouble moving forward as from my experience I have learned that I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship because yes I am crazy for thinking these things and I dont think love is for everyone. I have too much anxiety and have been in 2 bad relationships where I always love to much.
I am an actress and no man seems to support or understand it.
I don’t want to feel like I need him, I do love him so much and loved our time together especially when he was sober but yes I can’t control it and I don’t want to make his life harder because I want him to be happy. I think my ego is getting in the way
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Ivy you'll find a much more experienced group on the Friends and Family forum; plus there's a good range of reading matter.
Sounds like there's a lot to this story and you'll be telling to people who have been there before you.
Sounds like there's a lot to this story and you'll be telling to people who have been there before you.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Ivy you'll find a much more experienced group on the Friends and Family forum; plus there's a good range of reading matter.
Sounds like there's a lot to this story and you'll be telling to people who have been there before you.
Sounds like there's a lot to this story and you'll be telling to people who have been there before you.
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I'm sorry for what brings you here. You say when you dropped him at rehab he said he was breaking up with you.
One thing I've learned in life is if a man tells me he wants to end the relationship to believe him. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. It reads as if you are doing all the work here and all the wanting it to work. But you can't make it work on your own no matter how hard you try.
You deserve a man who loves you wants you and treats you with respect. But you have to respect yourself first. I speak totally from experience
One thing I've learned in life is if a man tells me he wants to end the relationship to believe him. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. It reads as if you are doing all the work here and all the wanting it to work. But you can't make it work on your own no matter how hard you try.
You deserve a man who loves you wants you and treats you with respect. But you have to respect yourself first. I speak totally from experience
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