Why do they move on so quick?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Why do they move on so quick?
Iv only ever posted once when I kicked the AH out...well I took him back a month or so after I posted. Since then there has been 3 break ups,the last being mid July. Iv logged back in many times too see how others were doing (hands up I was/am a Sasha stalker,hi Sasha!) but felt too ashamed to post again after taking him back and hitting the repeat rinse cycle too many times
We went for couples counselling,I was apparently "too sensitive" regarding alcohol...so there he got permission to drink. One the odd evening then of course the increase button just had to turn up and up and up. And most of it was sneaky drinking. Bottles hidden in the shed,in squash bottles,guys you know the drill here
So in May my dad died. We hadnt spoken for 32 years but for whatever reason it hit me fairly hard. I started to remember the pain if my childhood and something in me snapped. Prior to this,I had enrolled on a course to become a counsellor. What I learnt on that course was another snap for me and I vowed the next time he messed up he was gone. Didnt have to wait long lol. Initially we stayed on decent terms then through my course I learnt about behaviours,acceptance and more and realised actually he was not a good person underneath the alcohol after all and I cut contact completely at the end of July. He's messaged all sorts of quacks,even claiming to have been stabbed and I still did not respond.
I'm now on the next level of my course and doing really well. I have thought about him daily in one way or another but still am ok with everything and still glad I finally threw him out
Then today,just 11 weeks from separation he's got someone new. I haven cried,I feel kinda numb about it,almost like I don't quite know how to feel? Of all the things I thought about him,I did not imagine for one hot second he'd do that
He's picked another "safe" person,one who he can't commit to (lives 7 hrs away). I noticed this pattern with people he "dated" before me or would flirt with when broken up,married or far away people (Just realised I said I didn't imagine he would do this!) I thought for a long while he's got narcissistic tendencies (therapist agrees) so I realise he needs his supply of attention,and I know realistically it doesn't matter what he does...but damn,it feels like another slap.
I am and will keep my dignity,I will say nothing to him,keep my no contact and continue with the divorce proceedings that he has no clue I'm doing lol. But right this moment it hurts,when will it not? And why oh why do they do this?
p.s sorry this is an essay!
We went for couples counselling,I was apparently "too sensitive" regarding alcohol...so there he got permission to drink. One the odd evening then of course the increase button just had to turn up and up and up. And most of it was sneaky drinking. Bottles hidden in the shed,in squash bottles,guys you know the drill here
So in May my dad died. We hadnt spoken for 32 years but for whatever reason it hit me fairly hard. I started to remember the pain if my childhood and something in me snapped. Prior to this,I had enrolled on a course to become a counsellor. What I learnt on that course was another snap for me and I vowed the next time he messed up he was gone. Didnt have to wait long lol. Initially we stayed on decent terms then through my course I learnt about behaviours,acceptance and more and realised actually he was not a good person underneath the alcohol after all and I cut contact completely at the end of July. He's messaged all sorts of quacks,even claiming to have been stabbed and I still did not respond.
I'm now on the next level of my course and doing really well. I have thought about him daily in one way or another but still am ok with everything and still glad I finally threw him out
Then today,just 11 weeks from separation he's got someone new. I haven cried,I feel kinda numb about it,almost like I don't quite know how to feel? Of all the things I thought about him,I did not imagine for one hot second he'd do that
He's picked another "safe" person,one who he can't commit to (lives 7 hrs away). I noticed this pattern with people he "dated" before me or would flirt with when broken up,married or far away people (Just realised I said I didn't imagine he would do this!) I thought for a long while he's got narcissistic tendencies (therapist agrees) so I realise he needs his supply of attention,and I know realistically it doesn't matter what he does...but damn,it feels like another slap.
I am and will keep my dignity,I will say nothing to him,keep my no contact and continue with the divorce proceedings that he has no clue I'm doing lol. But right this moment it hurts,when will it not? And why oh why do they do this?
p.s sorry this is an essay!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
hey juju, welcome back but of course sorry for what brings you here.
For you (and for anyone else lurking out there) please never feel embarrassed to post. It's not like no one here has the experience of breaking up and returning to an alcoholic/addict, so yeah. It happens in "regular" relationships too, no one is here judge you!
Now that is out of the way!
Why do they do that. Well, you know him best, what is your best guess? Based on the many experiences here and what I have seen alcoholics say here, they just need someone. Anyone that can pop in and take care of them. Which is rather sad. Some people are just unable to be alone.
Sorry to hear about the couples counselling. I'm sure you have read here that it doesn't really have good results when one of the parties is in active addiction - just too much manipulation going on.
I hope you will come to realize that what he is doing right now with the new safe, no chance for a real relationship person has exactly zero to do with you. You did leave, he knows your boundaries are strong and you won't put up with his drinking, there is no way back for him - so off he goes to find the next, victim, preferably someone who doesn't care about the drinking or is too far away to realize how much he does drink.
But again, that is the most important thing to remember, it's not about you, not a reflection on you.
For you (and for anyone else lurking out there) please never feel embarrassed to post. It's not like no one here has the experience of breaking up and returning to an alcoholic/addict, so yeah. It happens in "regular" relationships too, no one is here judge you!
Now that is out of the way!
Why do they do that. Well, you know him best, what is your best guess? Based on the many experiences here and what I have seen alcoholics say here, they just need someone. Anyone that can pop in and take care of them. Which is rather sad. Some people are just unable to be alone.
Sorry to hear about the couples counselling. I'm sure you have read here that it doesn't really have good results when one of the parties is in active addiction - just too much manipulation going on.
I hope you will come to realize that what he is doing right now with the new safe, no chance for a real relationship person has exactly zero to do with you. You did leave, he knows your boundaries are strong and you won't put up with his drinking, there is no way back for him - so off he goes to find the next, victim, preferably someone who doesn't care about the drinking or is too far away to realize how much he does drink.
But again, that is the most important thing to remember, it's not about you, not a reflection on you.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Honestly, I can't imagine a worse hell then being alone, with no distractions but all the guilt, shame bouncing round that alcoholic head. They Need somebody to validate their lifestyle:
-I'm not that bad, I've got a girlfriend. The last one was just (insert validation here)
-I'm not a bad person cos new girlfriend loves me
-I'm not unloved, so and so loves me (even though when I'm alone I despise myself).
-I'm not that bad, I've got a girlfriend. The last one was just (insert validation here)
-I'm not a bad person cos new girlfriend loves me
-I'm not unloved, so and so loves me (even though when I'm alone I despise myself).
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Thankyou for your reply. I'm glad I posted again now! Yeh my best guess would be loneliness and the fact that she won't get to see the side of him that I did. He's just returned from staying there this past 10 days,no doubt he's been on best love bombing behaviour!
as a side note his sister and family are absolutely disgusted with him,this new chick is his cousin! 2nd cousin I believe. So it's splashed all over Facebook now,how she's stole his heart (barf!)
The therapist we went too specialises in addiction counselling so I actually fully thought she would understand. I mean,my therapist had him sussed in one session with me. Actually ironically the couples therapist goes to my therapist for supervision! He has strongly recommend that I email her and point out the chain of events so she may learn something from it!
And yes,you are right,it has zero to do with me,he knows full well I will not take him back this time,he knows I'm completely different this time. Just annoys me just 2 weeks ago he's telling his sister how he still loves me. Doesn't know the damn meaning of the word
as a side note his sister and family are absolutely disgusted with him,this new chick is his cousin! 2nd cousin I believe. So it's splashed all over Facebook now,how she's stole his heart (barf!)
The therapist we went too specialises in addiction counselling so I actually fully thought she would understand. I mean,my therapist had him sussed in one session with me. Actually ironically the couples therapist goes to my therapist for supervision! He has strongly recommend that I email her and point out the chain of events so she may learn something from it!
And yes,you are right,it has zero to do with me,he knows full well I will not take him back this time,he knows I'm completely different this time. Just annoys me just 2 weeks ago he's telling his sister how he still loves me. Doesn't know the damn meaning of the word
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by Milano58 
Honestly, I can't imagine a worse hell then being alone, with no distractions but all the guilt, shame bouncing round that alcoholic head. They Need somebody to validate their lifestyle:
-I'm not that bad, I've got a girlfriend. The last one was just (insert validation here)
-I'm not a bad person cos new girlfriend loves me
-I'm not unloved, so and so loves me (even though when I'm alone I despise myself).
-I'm not that bad, I've got a girlfriend. The last one was just (insert validation here)
-I'm not a bad person cos new girlfriend loves me
-I'm not unloved, so and so loves me (even though when I'm alone I despise myself).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
10 days, does he not have a job?
Yes, it's easy to be on your best behaviour in short visits, bit harder over the long haul!
I won't even comment about the second cousin thing.
You know, these relationships can really be traumatic. I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you are feeling is delayed reaction to how badly (I'm guessing) he treated you. At the time you are so busy putting out fires and walking on eggshells and trying to find some balance, you don't even realize and even if you do you are too busy to focus on it.
Once out of that fog, things tend to come back and that can be very hurtful. Add this on top of it when, as you say, a few weeks ago he was professing his undying love. Probably loved you as much as he can love.
I'm glad you have a good counsellor. Have you checked out Al-Anon at all?
Yes, it's easy to be on your best behaviour in short visits, bit harder over the long haul!
I won't even comment about the second cousin thing.
You know, these relationships can really be traumatic. I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you are feeling is delayed reaction to how badly (I'm guessing) he treated you. At the time you are so busy putting out fires and walking on eggshells and trying to find some balance, you don't even realize and even if you do you are too busy to focus on it.
Once out of that fog, things tend to come back and that can be very hurtful. Add this on top of it when, as you say, a few weeks ago he was professing his undying love. Probably loved you as much as he can love.
I'm glad you have a good counsellor. Have you checked out Al-Anon at all?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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juju......while it is pretty obvious why they move on to someone else.....
Here is my take on why it feels like a slap, to you.....even though you don't want him back for yourself....
In a nutshell...I gather that it springs from a more primitive part of our brains...where the drives for survival and procreation of the species resides....
A few million years ago, someone comes onto our territory and takes what we had claimed for our own...there would probably be a fierce battle and the imposter would be killed or maimed, and driven off.
I believe that gut-deep discomfort that we can feel when seeing or knowing of our mate being with another, in what had been our place----it is remnants of that primitive brain.....
Don't worry....in my experience, it only lasts for a little while, and if we are reasonably healthy....we get used to it....and go on with our lives.....
Here is my take on why it feels like a slap, to you.....even though you don't want him back for yourself....
In a nutshell...I gather that it springs from a more primitive part of our brains...where the drives for survival and procreation of the species resides....
A few million years ago, someone comes onto our territory and takes what we had claimed for our own...there would probably be a fierce battle and the imposter would be killed or maimed, and driven off.
I believe that gut-deep discomfort that we can feel when seeing or knowing of our mate being with another, in what had been our place----it is remnants of that primitive brain.....
Don't worry....in my experience, it only lasts for a little while, and if we are reasonably healthy....we get used to it....and go on with our lives.....
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some addicts, not all, have almost infantile emotional development. they are truly like toddlers.....mine mine mine, me me me, gimme gimme gimme. addiction is about wanting/craving something we do not internally possess to make us FEEL something we do not internally possess.
think about those people who wear those flying suits and then dive out of airplanes and go shooting thru craggy cliffs. you gotta be kinda mental to ever think that is a good idea. for two reasons - humans can't fly AND rocks are really hard! but for those exact reasons - to be or feel something they are not or do not feel - they go jumping out of airplanes and zoom towards the cliffs. because of the RUSH. because that rush overpowers everything else and YEE HAH.
addiction is all about getting that rush. to the exclusion of everything else. it FEELS like one must HAVE that rush in order to exist. it overrides eating, sleeping, bathing, bill paying, human interactions, goals, tomorrow, children..........all that matters is WHEN am i gonna get that rush again? what will it take? what do i have to do? to whom must i lie to? and what was that last lie? F it....gimme a beer, drink, hit, shot, pill, line, drag......ah there we go.
there are only two things that make all those voices yammering in the head stop....either another beer, drink, hit......OR never feeding that beast again.
think about those people who wear those flying suits and then dive out of airplanes and go shooting thru craggy cliffs. you gotta be kinda mental to ever think that is a good idea. for two reasons - humans can't fly AND rocks are really hard! but for those exact reasons - to be or feel something they are not or do not feel - they go jumping out of airplanes and zoom towards the cliffs. because of the RUSH. because that rush overpowers everything else and YEE HAH.
addiction is all about getting that rush. to the exclusion of everything else. it FEELS like one must HAVE that rush in order to exist. it overrides eating, sleeping, bathing, bill paying, human interactions, goals, tomorrow, children..........all that matters is WHEN am i gonna get that rush again? what will it take? what do i have to do? to whom must i lie to? and what was that last lie? F it....gimme a beer, drink, hit, shot, pill, line, drag......ah there we go.
there are only two things that make all those voices yammering in the head stop....either another beer, drink, hit......OR never feeding that beast again.
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Thank you all so much for your comments,I really appreciate them. The bloke is 53 going on 23. I saw all the red flags before we even got together so I don't know wth I was thinking but I do take responsibility for my choices. I guess the best thing I can do is focus on how well my life is shaping up and on my university course. Funny though,in the space of a couple of hours iv gone from feeling a but bewildered and numb to actually feeling a bit sorry for his next victim. And for him a little too. That messed up head,the never learning despite losing every single relationship to drink,the whole narc,me me mentality. I don't envy him,or her one bit. Again thankyou for your words,I will definitely be re reading again
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I will give an answer that has little to do with addiction.
They move on so fast because they can.
There are people out in the world so longing to be part of a couple that *any* partner will do. Those folks come to the 'relationship' (why isn't there a punctuation mark for air quotes, still?) with the same misconceptions as we did. He'll outgrow drinking. She'll change because I treat her well. He drinks because of his dreadful FOO. She had a bad experience with her last lover, s/he drove her to drink, it will be different with me.
They move on so fast because they can.
There are people out in the world so longing to be part of a couple that *any* partner will do. Those folks come to the 'relationship' (why isn't there a punctuation mark for air quotes, still?) with the same misconceptions as we did. He'll outgrow drinking. She'll change because I treat her well. He drinks because of his dreadful FOO. She had a bad experience with her last lover, s/he drove her to drink, it will be different with me.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear juju
I am very proud of you for your journey so far. There are probably thousands of people who never leave or throw them out, who end up dying early after miserable marriages.
I think your curiosity is a stage in recovery. Eventually you will get to a place, if you work your program, where you just DON'T CARE about why they do what they do.
I must also point out that his family members will eventually end up supporting HIM instead of YOU, even if they complain about him. I liken checking up on him through social media as peering into very unsavory things in life we really should avoid.
I am very proud of you for your journey so far. There are probably thousands of people who never leave or throw them out, who end up dying early after miserable marriages.
I think your curiosity is a stage in recovery. Eventually you will get to a place, if you work your program, where you just DON'T CARE about why they do what they do.
I must also point out that his family members will eventually end up supporting HIM instead of YOU, even if they complain about him. I liken checking up on him through social media as peering into very unsavory things in life we really should avoid.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by juju48
Thank you all so much for your comments,I really appreciate them. The bloke is 53 going on 23. I saw all the red flags before we even got together so I don't know wth I was thinking but I do take responsibility for my choices. I guess the best thing I can do is focus on how well my life is shaping up and on my university course. Funny though,in the space of a couple of hours iv gone from feeling a but bewildered and numb to actually feeling a bit sorry for his next victim. And for him a little too. That messed up head,the never learning despite losing every single relationship to drink,the whole narc,me me mentality. I don't envy him,or her one bit. Again thankyou for your words,I will definitely be re reading again
I was talking to someone about this recently (regarding the addict in her life, someone I know through her, and people we’ve know like this in general). Basically how all of the invalidation, treating people badly, lack of empathy, etc catches up, and next thing you know, they are looking around, alone in some holiday or something, feeling sorry for themselves, wondering where everyone went.
All of the past people they blew through moved on from them, and they are still filling their emotional dysregulated, pit of need selves with some new person or substance or compulsive behavior. And the people they ostracized with their behaviors can only offer sympathy from afar, if at all, because such a number has been done on them, they don’t want to go anywhere near them (and rightly so- self preservation). Any attempt at authentic communication or intimacy/ honesty got boomeranged back at them because they weren’t able to accept it or hear it. It’s sad, but I also see how it happens (bowing out and going no contact for good, or severely limited if you have to because of kids or some other reason like that). People can only take so much.
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Join Date: May 2019
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I had a thread with almost the same title recently lol (althought with him it wasnt another woman- not that i know of). Also, i wrote in my last thread that he IS ALREADY TAKEN and he was NEVER in relationship ONLY with you to begin with. Because ALCOHOL is taking up that space, so it is his FIRST RELATIONSHIP. Therefore, to think that he has someone else NOW is actually nothing new and only a formality. Because He ALWAYS HAD someone/something else. And it was ALCOHOL. So, there was no SINGLE person there available for you. Neither he is available with the other woman. He is AGAIN taken! And he is going to be, as long as he is participating in this toxic RELATIONSHIP with alcohol.
So why would you be with anyone who is actually NOT SINGLE to begin with!?? Think about it! Also, he has a serious ILLNESS. So he is NOT SUITABLE to be ANYONES partner.
So when I summed up these FACTS and Once I thought of it in a way, I didnt really have a desire to go back together. Unless of course, he is ready to get healed 100percent. Which Im not sure when or under which circumstances
Hang in there, we get this!😎
So why would you be with anyone who is actually NOT SINGLE to begin with!?? Think about it! Also, he has a serious ILLNESS. So he is NOT SUITABLE to be ANYONES partner.
So when I summed up these FACTS and Once I thought of it in a way, I didnt really have a desire to go back together. Unless of course, he is ready to get healed 100percent. Which Im not sure when or under which circumstances
Hang in there, we get this!😎
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Glad to read this. I have been separated from my AH for almost a month. He is already moving on. Has nothing to do with you. He constantly told me he was lonely lonely lonely. Guess he needs a little more than the bottle to keep him from being happy. It's probably nothing to do with love, more of filling a void is all. It is painful as I'm learning, but survivable. One day at a time.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
some addicts, not all, have almost infantile emotional development. they are truly like toddlers.....mine mine mine, me me me, gimme gimme gimme. addiction is about wanting/craving something we do not internally possess to make us FEEL something we do not internally possess.
think about those people who wear those flying suits and then dive out of airplanes and go shooting thru craggy cliffs. you gotta be kinda mental to ever think that is a good idea. for two reasons - humans can't fly AND rocks are really hard! but for those exact reasons - to be or feel something they are not or do not feel - they go jumping out of airplanes and zoom towards the cliffs. because of the RUSH. because that rush overpowers everything else and YEE HAH.
addiction is all about getting that rush. to the exclusion of everything else. it FEELS like one must HAVE that rush in order to exist. it overrides eating, sleeping, bathing, bill paying, human interactions, goals, tomorrow, children..........all that matters is WHEN am i gonna get that rush again? what will it take? what do i have to do? to whom must i lie to? and what was that last lie? F it....gimme a beer, drink, hit, shot, pill, line, drag......ah there we go.
there are only two things that make all those voices yammering in the head stop....either another beer, drink, hit......OR never feeding that beast again.
think about those people who wear those flying suits and then dive out of airplanes and go shooting thru craggy cliffs. you gotta be kinda mental to ever think that is a good idea. for two reasons - humans can't fly AND rocks are really hard! but for those exact reasons - to be or feel something they are not or do not feel - they go jumping out of airplanes and zoom towards the cliffs. because of the RUSH. because that rush overpowers everything else and YEE HAH.
addiction is all about getting that rush. to the exclusion of everything else. it FEELS like one must HAVE that rush in order to exist. it overrides eating, sleeping, bathing, bill paying, human interactions, goals, tomorrow, children..........all that matters is WHEN am i gonna get that rush again? what will it take? what do i have to do? to whom must i lie to? and what was that last lie? F it....gimme a beer, drink, hit, shot, pill, line, drag......ah there we go.
there are only two things that make all those voices yammering in the head stop....either another beer, drink, hit......OR never feeding that beast again.
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