sisi

So i have been an funcional alcoholic during most of my life. The last 5 years have been hard and i have blamed many people, my parents, the world, my partners etc. But i have not really seeked help and thats on me and i have to understand that.

Now, i have been in a relation with a man with 2 children of 5 and 10, the 5 year old have no mom so i have during the year connected in a way i never thought possible, and the older son also loves me and i him. My ex-partner is far from perfect, i have had alot of issues not concerning me with him, but in the end he is a good man and he loves his children and me, i think.., but we fight alot and we broke up 2 months ago and now we have somewhat come together again as friends but he is scared and i have to understand that, and i am to hesitant to go further with him.

What i have come to realize today is that i actually choose wine before mending the relation and that is so hard that i dont even know how to write it down here...today he was at our previous shared house and helped me repaint the walls and clean, and as we dropped off his things at his moms place the kids saw me from the balcony and i could see that they were crying and wanting to see me. Its not just up to me as my partner has his issues too.

But what was the worst for me is that my 2 days of sobriety was not important to me anymore, healing this relation or caring for the kids was not my first option, buying wine and cigarettes was...so i did that and went into my comfort zone of zooming out and yes, i feel like a really selfish, awful human being! I have my doctors appointment on tuesday. Its not black and white, my partner has problems too, but i really saw my own selfishness today and that shook me. Praying that i can be my best..and come back to being my loving self.

Thanks for reading, hope you are all well.

daisy1

I think you are pretty amazing for seeing so clearly what is happening, it took me a long time. Looks like you are headed in the right direction :-)

ShiftHappens

Prayers to you for your healing.

The realization you had could lead you back to your true self.

Lucinda2

It takes guts to look at our behaviours Sisi. I admire your post

Misssy2

Keep sharing your feelings here and you will never be alone.

Dee74

welcome back sisi

fini

hello sisi,
though my situation was different, my “first option” many times of choosing to drink over caring for my kids ...same as yours. the shock of really seeing that clearly didn’t hit me til i had been sober a while. how great it is really shaking you NOW.
hope this is the turnaround point for you as far as drinking.

least

I hope you'll make use of the support here to help you get sober for good.

NicLin

The seed has been planted and will continue to grow and bloom, all you need to do is water it

Proud of you for your realization today, that takes a lot of courage and strength and HUMILITY.

fini

sisi, how are you doing?
now that you have clarity on the crappy priority, what are your thoughts about how to move forward?
and no matter what, getting connected with others here is a great first step, and i hope you’ll stick around.