London393

Hi All - hope everyone's continuing on and trying to stay well as best we all can. After being away for a while I wanted to come back with a quick update, and with an ask for some prayers.

After the last previous NC with my AXBF of nearly 8 months, he's back! For weeks some number not programmed into my phone was calling me every few days (initially thinking it was just those annoying robocalls) but then suddenly thought "maybe him?". Then there was the text asking me if we can please talk. After some more asking from him I finally agreed. I have some previous threads on here but the quick background is: this was about someone I met and began dating the end of 2016. Early 2017 after some problems and weird behavior from him he finally confessed to me he had a bad drinking problem. I LOVED this man dearly with all my heart, so as long as he was going to try to get better and work on getting himself better, I would be there. I've always thought and said this wasn't a bad man, was just a "sick" man. The year of 2017 was quite the roller coaster ride with him going thru 7 detoxes and 2 month-long rehabs, but I stood by thru all the ups and downs. And from there things just got worst. End of 2017 there was a bad episode between him and the family he was living with and they told him he needed to leave the home and wasn't welcome back until he did something about his problem. This was the day before Thanksgiving which even made things hurt even more all around. He went back into rehab and then into Sober Living just after the new year 2018. Wasn't long after that he told me to get lost. In some of the worst ways you can possibly imagine (and I'm sure alot of you can imagine alot unfortunately thru own personal experience) he told me he didn't love me, never loved me, it was being with me that was toxic and on and on and on. Crushed me. Made me sick, physically sick for a long time. There was contact (initiated by him always) here and there a couple of times throughout the year with spurts of NC in between but new year 2019 that was it, NC until recently.

At 1.8 years sober for him now and doing great, great job, living in his own apartment, new car, relationships with the family mended, chairing meetings, getting involved, found a new sport he's passionate about, still going to numerous meetings every week taking care of him, ... he said he wanted to reach out to me to say he's sorry, to apologize for everything he's done to try and make up for the chaos and wreckage he's caused. To tell me how he never thought he was worthy of me, how he didn't want to drag me down with him, how he realized he was nothing but a selfish, ego maniacal this and that. How he's not reaching out because of Step Work to make amends but this was all from the bottom of his heart because he has always known that he messed up and pushed away the only girl he's only ever loved and that loved him. How he needs me back in his life, wants me back. Alot more but ... am taking it all with a grain of salt.

I've been away from him for so long, I'm used of being away from him now! And my life is pretty darn good! Yet I still have strong feelings for this man and ideally do want us to both be happy together. If that can't be, if he's not capable at least for me I'm trying to take this whole experience as a lesson in accepting what it is, try to keep healing myself, and forgiveness. A year ago, a year and a half ago, I was reeling and had not one single good thought. I'm hoping if things don't work out for us together as a couple on the same path that at the very least this is a very strong lesson for me on learning on how to forgive and finally find complete peace with all of this. And this is where I'm hoping for your good thoughts.

Thank you.

Ariesagain

I hope it works out for you, hon.

But please. Be careful. He’s saying all good things, but, battle-scarred cynic that I am, can you confirm any of it?

I don’t want to harsh your dreams, so I have hesitated to post. But you have finally gotten to a place where you seem content and thriving and a single phone call from him seems to have you quite caught up again.

Wishing you clarity and strength.

Hawkeye13

This

AnvilheadII

please keep in mind, as others have said, he can TELL you anything over the phone and you have no verifiable proof of any of it.

and also reflect a bit....let's say that what he says about the state of his life today is TRUE......both of your lives got BETTER after the toxic relationship ENDED. you know for sure that YOURS did.

it's "great" to hear things like "i love you" and "you're my everything" etc, but they are just words. even his relentless pursuit recently with all the phone calls every few days can SEEM like caring, but it seems a bit suspect to me. just another cranky ole cynic here............

biminiblue

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Hawkeye13

I agree with Anvil that him blowing up your phone is a red flag.

More will be revealed--proceed with extreme caution, or better yet, consider not proceeding at all.

seekingcalm

I think if he has 1.8 years in recovery, and is working a strong program, that he could invite you to his 2 year celebration where you can hear what he shares, and meet his sponsor, and the people that he has met in recovery. You have stayed away this long, if he is serious, he can wait a bit longer for someone he loves. I would expect him to welcome the suggestion. And I would ask him to leave you alone until then.