Callas

For an alcoholic to go into permanent recovery is much like a divorce. One loses a toxic companion and starts a completely new journey. The companion was so much part of one’s life that with the permanent separation many other major changes follow. The gap left by the companion needs to be filled. As human beings fortunately one tries to do that with positive replacements. Physical activity, interesting hobbies, spiritual growth and commitment to responsibilities.

Life will bring other challenges, but as long as the separation is permanent this specific dead end road has been changed into a happy ending.

MantaLady

For me I believe that the “gap needs to be filled” should be “the gap needs to be healed”. The issue with addiction is we are always looking to fill the gap with something or other, whether that be work, other people, hobbies and there is a danger that we will become addicted or reliant on those things too.

To me to truly break free we must heal the void so that we don’t need to turn to anything external to manage it, we get that strength from spiritual growth and self love, from facing our demons head on rather than using external sources to avoid the uncomfortable elements of healing and real growth. Create a new life yes, but also heal the void don’t fill it xx

Dee74

As someone who's been in toxic abusive and destructive relationships before you move past a sense of loss to a sense of 'how on earth did I put up with that'.

I don't think fondly of those times at all. I'm not that person anymore.
I've grown and changed.

I think of it like Manta does.
I tried for decades to fill my void with stuff - it was unfillable - but healing was a different matter

Like you say tho Callas - positive reinforcement is better than negative, for sure

Once an abscess heals, if you take care of yourself, it'll never come back
D

StartAnew68

SoberRican

Good morning for me it was a double whammy I had a toxic relationship with my EX. And one with booze. The wife thing was fubar non repairable if you will cause that fueled my other toxic thing. Booze. I thought booze was my friend.......yeah right. Friend like that who needs enemies. Lol. So here I am soon to be divorced. Moved out. No job. Down on the dumps and whats there with me? Booze. So once I kicked booze to curb . well like you stated the Gap thing well I had more than a gap I had a crater to fill. Lol .but you know what I did it and still have plenty of room for more fillings. Why cause each day more sober for me I pick up something to throw in the gap. It will never be filled cause the journey will never end. There is no end of the road for recovery only the other way around. Keep coming back

thomas11

I agree. I believe that recovery/sobriety is a life changing event. Much like a divorce or death of a loved on.

BackandScared

I love the points Dee and MantaLady make. A gap to be healed. I am definitely in need of lots of healing and in no place to add things to my life right now. I need all the extra time not drinking gives to use it in the healing.

Having said that, after a breakup I always recommend: Zero contact+ Gym.

WeThinkNot

Zero contact + gym, I love it!!! So true...

Me and my ex wife were in a toxic relationship for sure. I obviously had my issues and she had quite a few skeletons in the closet as well. We were instantly drawn to each other the moment we met. I believe on a subconscious level I saw that she was a wounded soul just like I was and I think she did as well. "I'm wounded, you're wounded, do you want to navigate this crazy world together instead of alone?"

We didn't have any children or joint assets so the divorce was quick and easy and we've had no contact since. Another similarity between divorce and drinking: the AV. Every now and then I'll have a random memory of us nestled on the couch together watching telenovelas (she's Latina) and get a pang of regret. Then the logical brain kicks in and reminds me of all the toxicity and strife that was surrounding our relationship.

Fearlessat50

Thank you, Callas. Such a good analogy and well said!
I also completely agree with Manta and Dee. Love the “heal the gap.” In the beginning, I did everything to “fill” it, which was fine for the time and better than drinking, and I do still engage in new hobbies and activities I’ve found. But ultimately, I had to be ok with just being. Being still, being quiet. Meditation is now one of my favorite activities.

totfit

I have often myself made the analogy of a bad "abusive" relationship. It is that in fact. We go back and get abused and then return because of some "special feeling" or good times. We never get that when we return. We get only abuse and it seems to get worse. I think no matter what program or steps one takes to absolve themselves, one just needs to finally accept deep down that there is just nothing there for them. I really can't figure out "how" I don't drink any more. I think it a matter though of just knowing there is nothing there for me.