Day 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Day 1
Hi there,
i知 back again. I just can稚 keep up this merry go round. I need to get off. I think my problem is that I知 an alcoholic and I have trouble accepting that. But deep deep deep down I know that how I drink is not ok.
I知 off sick today and will be again tomorrow. I知 going to spend the time staying close to here and trying to come up with a plan.
i知 so scared.
i知 back again. I just can稚 keep up this merry go round. I need to get off. I think my problem is that I知 an alcoholic and I have trouble accepting that. But deep deep deep down I know that how I drink is not ok.
I知 off sick today and will be again tomorrow. I知 going to spend the time staying close to here and trying to come up with a plan.
i知 so scared.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Hopingwishing 
I think my problem is that I知 an alcoholic and I have trouble accepting that.
Or accepting that the solution is never, ever drinking again?
If it's the first, I'd say ignore the label of alcoholic. It is enough that you recognize that your drinking isn't normal and that your drinking is causing you problems.
However, for number two, you pretty much have to accept that you can't drink again. Ever.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
Ultimately you have the ability to change your life if you choose to do so. You have to not drink the first drink one day at a time. Once you are out of physical dependence then this is a choice that can be made.
You know you池e an alcoholic but you know that this means that the solution can only be abstinence which is a difficult thing for the addict mind to face. Don稚 overthink it all just stay sober and get into a recovery program. All will be revealed each day as long as you are honest, open-minded, and willing.
Successful recovery in my experience is all about action and change.
You know you池e an alcoholic but you know that this means that the solution can only be abstinence which is a difficult thing for the addict mind to face. Don稚 overthink it all just stay sober and get into a recovery program. All will be revealed each day as long as you are honest, open-minded, and willing.
Successful recovery in my experience is all about action and change.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
It's really hard to accept that you are an alcoholic and can never drink again. But, unless you do accept it, you will not be able to recover. There is lots of support here, and spending time coming up with a plan is a great idea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Like they said once you pull the trigger. And decide you want to stop. Then once you get over the hump .withdrawal and stuff. Then work on the mind feel me. Trust me it will feel good. Yes thats peer sobriety pressure. Lol. Keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Hoping,
I understand that fear you are feeling, it is like an all encompassing despair. Remember it and acknowledge that feeling you're feeling right now. It will help you soon.
I found that when I began toying with the idea that I was an alcoholic, I felt like I couldn't even say the word, it scared me so much. I don't care anymore, it is my life and that is what I was dealt and I am dealing with it. Forget the label, or any label you give yourself. You are much deeper than a label.
I started listening to podcasts about sobriety (recovery elevator and recovery happy hour are my go to right now) and looking up what AA was about. I started working on finding out what this all was about before I reached for help. I wanted to understand what alcoholism was from various perspectives. It helped me become extremely self aware and by the time I went to AA for the first time, I knew (kind of) what to expect.
Also, meditation is key. You're scared right now. Sit with that. Dim the lights and close your eyes and breathe. Try to see your thoughts and try to be honest with yourself, truly. Because I learned that if you are asking yourself if you have a problem drinking, you probably do. Normal drinkers do not ask themselves this question. It can be frightening to face that truth, but take comfort that you have done something so great, been true to yourself.
Hope you can figure it out
I understand that fear you are feeling, it is like an all encompassing despair. Remember it and acknowledge that feeling you're feeling right now. It will help you soon.
I found that when I began toying with the idea that I was an alcoholic, I felt like I couldn't even say the word, it scared me so much. I don't care anymore, it is my life and that is what I was dealt and I am dealing with it. Forget the label, or any label you give yourself. You are much deeper than a label.
I started listening to podcasts about sobriety (recovery elevator and recovery happy hour are my go to right now) and looking up what AA was about. I started working on finding out what this all was about before I reached for help. I wanted to understand what alcoholism was from various perspectives. It helped me become extremely self aware and by the time I went to AA for the first time, I knew (kind of) what to expect.
Also, meditation is key. You're scared right now. Sit with that. Dim the lights and close your eyes and breathe. Try to see your thoughts and try to be honest with yourself, truly. Because I learned that if you are asking yourself if you have a problem drinking, you probably do. Normal drinkers do not ask themselves this question. It can be frightening to face that truth, but take comfort that you have done something so great, been true to yourself.
Hope you can figure it out
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Hope your feeling a bit better hoping. Lots of helpful advice for you here. Alcoholism scared me also and because I didn稚 drink daily or even weekly sometimes it took a long time for it to sink in with me that whatever the label is or not at the end of the day alcohol has a negative effect on me and causes problems and pain in my life. I cannot drink normally and once I have one I want another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Hi all, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. When I'm in the throes post-binge I'm convinced I'm an alcoholic/problem drinker, whatever you want to call. But after a few days I start feeling better and start doubting that I really had a problem. I guess that's because my plan isn't strong enough. I'm very easily swept along with the stresses of life and don't spend enough (if any) time meditating or reflecting on my day to day. It's like I'm too scared to look deeply enough fearing what a horrible person I will find.
Day 2 begins.
Day 2 begins.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
2 parts to my recovery- physical and all the shite in my brain. Both need to be addressed, but not until I was well enough.....a GP is necessary in my plan of recovery to slowly heal in my brain, but physical stuff that manifests itself, like migraines with stress and depression.
Support to .you
Support to .you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Originally Posted by Hopingwishing
Hi all, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. When I'm in the throes post-binge I'm convinced I'm an alcoholic/problem drinker, whatever you want to call. But after a few days I start feeling better and start doubting that I really had a problem. I guess that's because my plan isn't strong enough. I'm very easily swept along with the stresses of life and don't spend enough (if any) time meditating or reflecting on my day to day. It's like I'm too scared to look deeply enough fearing what a horrible person I will find.
Day 2 begins.
Day 2 begins.
I think simplification is best practice here, try to take it one day, not focus on the big picture, but the baby steps you need to take to yes, figure out if you are an alcoholic. I also used to give myself "cookies" when I behaved well for a few days. But then those days became fewer and fewer. So I had to really cut everything out and really look at the barebones of the issue...which was, that I was powerless and that I was not managing my life and that alcohol was negatively impacting every part of it.
In regards to the self-care, keep that simple too. I once found this meme (I guess), like one of those funny things sites post on instagram. It was a conversation and went like this:
*My mom legit just sent me this
Me: I'm just not feeling that great, I'm so frustrated
Mom: Well why don't you just go sit outside and have a banana
So simple, it really hit me hard. Was supposed to be funny, but to me, it carried a lot of weight. It means, take it easy, relax and do something so BASIC, just to take your mind off the worry. Then regroup and come back to it.
Hope you do well!
Night!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
I've told my family that I've slipped back and that I will not be drinking going forward. I'm hoping that by letting them in on the awful secret that I've been drinking again I can get some accountability from them. I'll also be active on here. Hoping to use this as a daily thread of my trials along the way.
I need to accept I can NEVER drink AGAIN. That is the real problem. I am powerless against alcohol. I have no control with it. Why is it so hard to accept I can't drink again? Perhaps because I'm still viewing alcohol as a silver bullet to fix all my problems. When in reality they're still just there, I'm just not dealing with them. Instead I hold onto resentment, hold onto rage, until I go POP and decide drinking is a clever idea. It's just a farce!
On day at a time. I need to look after my mental health and really ask myself if I'm ok deep down. If not, then what can I do to fix it? Really it's just about working a plan. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. Unless it is something that puts my recovery in jeopardy, and then I come straight home and do a bit of self care.
I need to accept I can NEVER drink AGAIN. That is the real problem. I am powerless against alcohol. I have no control with it. Why is it so hard to accept I can't drink again? Perhaps because I'm still viewing alcohol as a silver bullet to fix all my problems. When in reality they're still just there, I'm just not dealing with them. Instead I hold onto resentment, hold onto rage, until I go POP and decide drinking is a clever idea. It's just a farce!
On day at a time. I need to look after my mental health and really ask myself if I'm ok deep down. If not, then what can I do to fix it? Really it's just about working a plan. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. Unless it is something that puts my recovery in jeopardy, and then I come straight home and do a bit of self care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Just closing out on Day 2. I've journaled down some ideas for my plan going forward.
1. Accountability: here and with family-I've let them know what I'm up to
2. Counselling: called up a counselling service and will be hearing back in the next couple of days
3. The small stuff: food, water, exercise in regular amounts. For the exercise I've got in touch with one of my family about going for some runs. We've decided tomorrow night and Friday night (as that's always a danger night for me) as our regular nights.
4. Literature: I've downloaded some quit lit and started really Veronica Valli's book, which is really great so far.
5. Here: keeping in touch with alcoholics and reading/posting regular to remind myself not to get complacent/bitch and moan about the world out there.
Not sure how that is as a plan, but it's a start. I'm exhausted, anxious and hella depressed. But it can only get better as the alcohol gets out my system and if I keep doing the plan.
1. Accountability: here and with family-I've let them know what I'm up to
2. Counselling: called up a counselling service and will be hearing back in the next couple of days
3. The small stuff: food, water, exercise in regular amounts. For the exercise I've got in touch with one of my family about going for some runs. We've decided tomorrow night and Friday night (as that's always a danger night for me) as our regular nights.
4. Literature: I've downloaded some quit lit and started really Veronica Valli's book, which is really great so far.
5. Here: keeping in touch with alcoholics and reading/posting regular to remind myself not to get complacent/bitch and moan about the world out there.
Not sure how that is as a plan, but it's a start. I'm exhausted, anxious and hella depressed. But it can only get better as the alcohol gets out my system and if I keep doing the plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Day 3 begins. On the train to work feeling anxious and small. Like all my bluff and bravado has been knocked out of me. Probably a good thing actually-the overconfidence/sense of entitlement is what gets me into trouble. I become a resentment vacuum in those cases.
Incredibly nervous about work. I知 on shaky ground and really need this job. Will check in later on how the meeting with the boss goes.
Incredibly nervous about work. I知 on shaky ground and really need this job. Will check in later on how the meeting with the boss goes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Wondering why you have a meeting with the "boss"? I must have missed that post....and hoping now that you are on Day 3...a better day than Day 1 and 2...that your meeting and everything else today goes OK.
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