Alcoholic ex died
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Alcoholic ex died
Hi Everyone,
I think it's been about two years since I posted anything here. I wonder if any familiar names are still around since then.
I was more active on here when making the decision to leave my alcoholic partner, and it helped me make sense of things at a time when everything was upside down for me. I did manage to get the strength to leave him, and have slowly been rediscovering myself and rebuilding my life.
Now just this week, I got the news that my ex passed away due to a seizure. It's hit me harder than I thought it would, considering that I knew how bad he was and it really only could have been a matter of time. I'm absolutely in pieces and feeling guilty about not having contact with him or helping him more these last couple of years since I left.
I guess I'm wondering how to come to terms with this. It's such an incredibly sad ending to it all. I always held on to hope that he would find the strength and will to stop drinking.
If anyone has any experience with this I'd love to hear how you coped or are coping.
I think it's been about two years since I posted anything here. I wonder if any familiar names are still around since then.
I was more active on here when making the decision to leave my alcoholic partner, and it helped me make sense of things at a time when everything was upside down for me. I did manage to get the strength to leave him, and have slowly been rediscovering myself and rebuilding my life.
Now just this week, I got the news that my ex passed away due to a seizure. It's hit me harder than I thought it would, considering that I knew how bad he was and it really only could have been a matter of time. I'm absolutely in pieces and feeling guilty about not having contact with him or helping him more these last couple of years since I left.
I guess I'm wondering how to come to terms with this. It's such an incredibly sad ending to it all. I always held on to hope that he would find the strength and will to stop drinking.
If anyone has any experience with this I'd love to hear how you coped or are coping.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
I'm sorry to hear that, too. It's okay to feel what you're feeling....you did know that person intimately at one time. Logic (you knew it was coming eventually) and feelings do not always coincide.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi TheHopeful,
I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I do understand. My alcoholic ex died last September from liver failure at age 53, and it hit me pretty hard. Although I hadn't seen him in five years and had moved on with my life, I felt terribly sad for him, for his family, and also for myself, for enduring a relationship with someone so self-destructive.
His untimely death affirmed my decision, gut-wrenching though it had been, to separate from him in his downward spiral and go no-contact. I was hugely relieved that I had not been there for the last months, weeks and days of his suffering.
There were lots of mixed emotions, which is totally ok. I let my close friends know, and they were very supportive. My daughter and I went on a pilgrimage to his favorite beach and said our own private goodbyes.
My advice is take the time you need to grieve in whatever way feels right. Check in with a therapist if it seems like it's too much to handle. Lean on your family and friends, and get lots of rest and exercise, spend time in nature, and be grateful for the love you once shared and the life you still have left to live.
You couldn't have saved him. But you did save yourself. And that is everything.
Feel free to pm me if you need to.
I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I do understand. My alcoholic ex died last September from liver failure at age 53, and it hit me pretty hard. Although I hadn't seen him in five years and had moved on with my life, I felt terribly sad for him, for his family, and also for myself, for enduring a relationship with someone so self-destructive.
His untimely death affirmed my decision, gut-wrenching though it had been, to separate from him in his downward spiral and go no-contact. I was hugely relieved that I had not been there for the last months, weeks and days of his suffering.
There were lots of mixed emotions, which is totally ok. I let my close friends know, and they were very supportive. My daughter and I went on a pilgrimage to his favorite beach and said our own private goodbyes.
My advice is take the time you need to grieve in whatever way feels right. Check in with a therapist if it seems like it's too much to handle. Lean on your family and friends, and get lots of rest and exercise, spend time in nature, and be grateful for the love you once shared and the life you still have left to live.
You couldn't have saved him. But you did save yourself. And that is everything.
Feel free to pm me if you need to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by spiderqueen 
Hi TheHopeful,
I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I do understand. My alcoholic ex died last September from liver failure at age 53, and it hit me pretty hard. Although I hadn't seen him in five years and had moved on with my life, I felt terribly sad for him, for his family, and also for myself, for enduring a relationship with someone so self-destructive.
His untimely death affirmed my decision, gut-wrenching though it had been, to separate from him in his downward spiral and go no-contact. I was hugely relieved that I had not been there for the last months, weeks and days of his suffering.
There were lots of mixed emotions, which is totally ok. I let my close friends know, and they were very supportive. My daughter and I went on a pilgrimage to his favorite beach and said our own private goodbyes.
My advice is take the time you need to grieve in whatever way feels right. Check in with a therapist if it seems like it's too much to handle. Lean on your family and friends, and get lots of rest and exercise, spend time in nature, and be grateful for the love you once shared and the life you still have left to live.
You couldn't have saved him. But you did save yourself. And that is everything.
Feel free to pm me if you need to.
I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I do understand. My alcoholic ex died last September from liver failure at age 53, and it hit me pretty hard. Although I hadn't seen him in five years and had moved on with my life, I felt terribly sad for him, for his family, and also for myself, for enduring a relationship with someone so self-destructive.
His untimely death affirmed my decision, gut-wrenching though it had been, to separate from him in his downward spiral and go no-contact. I was hugely relieved that I had not been there for the last months, weeks and days of his suffering.
There were lots of mixed emotions, which is totally ok. I let my close friends know, and they were very supportive. My daughter and I went on a pilgrimage to his favorite beach and said our own private goodbyes.
My advice is take the time you need to grieve in whatever way feels right. Check in with a therapist if it seems like it's too much to handle. Lean on your family and friends, and get lots of rest and exercise, spend time in nature, and be grateful for the love you once shared and the life you still have left to live.
You couldn't have saved him. But you did save yourself. And that is everything.
Feel free to pm me if you need to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
My alcoholic ex died in May - if you search my username you can find the whole story. We were married/cohabiting for 25 years before I left and had been apart for years, but he was unfortunately still present in my life because I have a teenage daughter with him. The cause of his death is listed formally as "sudden cardiac death" - different from a heart attack, and most likely related to long-term abuse of alcohol and possibly also cocaine. On autopsy his heart showed signs of enlargement characteristic of alcoholism, and he had had seizures in the past year. He also had severe psychiatric illnesses which were not being treated, producing delusions, aggression and stalker-type behavior towards me. An emergency protection order (aka a restraining order) was in the works on the day he died.
My feelings (in a nutshell) are extremely mixed. I am sad about the utter waste of a life. He was a wonderful person in the past and we had many good years before we didn't. I wish he had made different choices and tried to save himself - if not for me then for my daughter, who has now lost her father while still young.
At the same time, I am enormously relieved. The constant stress and the drain of money, time and emotional energy has stopped, and I feel like I can finally begin to breathe and lay down the hypervigilance. His death is in many ways the best thing that has happened to me in years, and I feel like a terrible person acknowledging that. It's almost impossible to explain to anyone unless they've also endured alcoholism.
One part of the sadness is the absolute and final loss of hope - there is now no possibility that he will ever recover. His story is completely finished. I think we always want the best for people we love or once loved, and now we can't even want that any more. I think it is normal to be really sad, even if you hadn't had contact with your ex in a long time, because an alcoholic death is a terrible way for anyone to go. It feels brutal because it is brutal.
I won't go on and on, but please feel free to PM me.
My feelings (in a nutshell) are extremely mixed. I am sad about the utter waste of a life. He was a wonderful person in the past and we had many good years before we didn't. I wish he had made different choices and tried to save himself - if not for me then for my daughter, who has now lost her father while still young.
At the same time, I am enormously relieved. The constant stress and the drain of money, time and emotional energy has stopped, and I feel like I can finally begin to breathe and lay down the hypervigilance. His death is in many ways the best thing that has happened to me in years, and I feel like a terrible person acknowledging that. It's almost impossible to explain to anyone unless they've also endured alcoholism.
One part of the sadness is the absolute and final loss of hope - there is now no possibility that he will ever recover. His story is completely finished. I think we always want the best for people we love or once loved, and now we can't even want that any more. I think it is normal to be really sad, even if you hadn't had contact with your ex in a long time, because an alcoholic death is a terrible way for anyone to go. It feels brutal because it is brutal.
I won't go on and on, but please feel free to PM me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
My feelings (in a nutshell) are extremely mixed. I am sad about the utter waste of a life. He was a wonderful person in the past and we had many good years before we didn't. I wish he had made different choices and tried to save himself - if not for me then for my daughter, who has now lost her father while still young.
At the same time, I am enormously relieved. The constant stress and the drain of money, time and emotional energy has stopped, and I feel like I can finally begin to breathe and lay down the hypervigilance. His death is in many ways the best thing that has happened to me in years, and I feel like a terrible person acknowledging that. It's almost impossible to explain to anyone unless they've also endured alcoholism.
One part of the sadness is the absolute and final loss of hope - there is now no possibility that he will ever recover. His story is completely finished. I think we always want the best for people we love or once loved, and now we can't even want that any more. I think it is normal to be really sad, even if you hadn't had contact with your ex in a long time, because an alcoholic death is a terrible way for anyone to go. It feels brutal because it is brutal.
I won't go on and on, but please feel free to PM me.
At the same time, I am enormously relieved. The constant stress and the drain of money, time and emotional energy has stopped, and I feel like I can finally begin to breathe and lay down the hypervigilance. His death is in many ways the best thing that has happened to me in years, and I feel like a terrible person acknowledging that. It's almost impossible to explain to anyone unless they've also endured alcoholism.
One part of the sadness is the absolute and final loss of hope - there is now no possibility that he will ever recover. His story is completely finished. I think we always want the best for people we love or once loved, and now we can't even want that any more. I think it is normal to be really sad, even if you hadn't had contact with your ex in a long time, because an alcoholic death is a terrible way for anyone to go. It feels brutal because it is brutal.
I won't go on and on, but please feel free to PM me.
He was a wonderful and talented person once upon a time. We were together almost 8 years. I just keep thinking what an awful waste of a life...he could have been so many things. He had so many chances, but always chose the alcohol. I will never understand that.
Six months ago he wrote me an email saying he loved me and was sorry he had chosen alcohol over our relationship. I never responded...would it have made a difference?
His parents also tried to cover up the whole thing and simply announce his death as an unexpected heart attack. It makes me incredibly angry that they won't own up to the facts of life. Those of us who were close to him in his last years know of course, but there are so many people who knew him from before who simply have no idea how he met his terrible end. I guess it doesn't matter, but I feel like I want to make it public, even though it isn't my place as his ex.
I just feel so much anger, sadness and a heavy heavy heart. I guess it gets easier with time.
Thanks for your responses everyone...I think my friends irl are tired of hearing about it...so I'm just venting here I guess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
It still seems so unreal. Like a bad dream I haven't woken up from yet. We are so young...he was only 34 and I've just turned 30. Ten years ago when we first got together...I could have never imagined that it would all end like this. You never think your life is going to be this way. That happens to other people...but not us. We were special...soulmates...we were going to grow old together and travel the world and build our dream house. Why couldn't he choose life?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm so sorry for your loss - it's simply tragic that someone so young could die in such a way. Take care of yourself too -this is bound to have been a shock to you & triggered a new level of grieving your relationship. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Originally Posted by TheHopeful
Six months ago he wrote me an email saying he loved me and was sorry he had chosen alcohol over our relationship. I never responded...would it have made a difference?
You were with him for 8 years and I'm sure you had many discussions about his addiction and yet you could not "save" him. You didn't Cause it, couldn't Control it and couldn't Cure it (the 3 c's).
If love and attention could cure addiction, these forums would be very quiet. Believe you did what you could and I'm sure when you had to leave it was to save your sanity. By saying what he said it sounds like he acknowledged that and understood.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by TheHopeful
.
Six months ago he wrote me an email saying he loved me and was sorry he had chosen alcohol over our relationship. I never responded...would it have made a difference?
His parents also tried to cover up the whole thing and simply announce his death as an unexpected heart attack. It makes me incredibly angry that they won't own up to the facts of life. Those of us who were close to him in his last years know of course, but there are so many people who knew him from before who simply have no idea how he met his terrible end. I guess it doesn't matter, but I feel like I want to make it public, even though it isn't my place as his ex.
.
Six months ago he wrote me an email saying he loved me and was sorry he had chosen alcohol over our relationship. I never responded...would it have made a difference?
His parents also tried to cover up the whole thing and simply announce his death as an unexpected heart attack. It makes me incredibly angry that they won't own up to the facts of life. Those of us who were close to him in his last years know of course, but there are so many people who knew him from before who simply have no idea how he met his terrible end. I guess it doesn't matter, but I feel like I want to make it public, even though it isn't my place as his ex.
.
If anything it may have given you one last contact. But usually when people go no contact it’s because they have reached the end of their rope and don’t want to get sucked back in. No one knows what the future holds, but would responding have possibly set you up for things starting all over again? How destructive would that have been for you? What I find helpful is to go back to the times before things got really bad, and remind myself that we had those kinds of times. And if there is any kind of an afterlife, that perhaps the person’s spirit now has peace and understanding.
As far as privacy, in my opinion everyone has the right to decide their level of privacy, including the family members. And if the person didn’t specifically say they wanted their story to be an example for others, no one has the right to make them an example. I’ve know families who have chosen this route too, and if the family wants privacy, in my opinion, I believe it should be respected. When my best friend died the family was very similar, but then my friend’s death was splattered all over Facebook (he abhorred Facebook), and I didnt agree with that either, because I know he would have hated that. But what can you do? I just stay away from that stuff and don’t post my grief about him on Facebook myself. :/
It’s all a lot of emotional stuff to process for sure. Best wishes to you, and hope you find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It is sad. I separated from my abusive ex-husband way back in the late 80's. He called me about nine years into my recovery, and asked if I had ever been tested for AIDS, which I had. He was into the clinical phase, and there was no doubt he was going to die. I don't remember how many years it was after that, but my mom saw his obituary and sent it to me. It hit me very hard. I had survivor's guilt for a long time afterwards. It also made me extra grateful that I had the gift of recovery and a great network of friends in recovery. Sending you warmest of hugs from Kansas.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Thanks everyone for your kinds words. I've been reading each message a few times and thinking on each one.
I'd really like to see a therapist to talk things through because I've been having so many thoughts at night I can't sleep very well anymore. But it's not really something I can afford right now. Do you think Al-anon meetings could be useful, or are they more for people who are living with or dealing with an active alcoholic?
I'd really like to see a therapist to talk things through because I've been having so many thoughts at night I can't sleep very well anymore. But it's not really something I can afford right now. Do you think Al-anon meetings could be useful, or are they more for people who are living with or dealing with an active alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I am so very sorry for your loss. For as sad and senseless this disease is your decision to save yourself is everything. I'm sure your ex partner when he/she was healthy would be so thankful that this disease did not take you as well. For as sick as they become I don't believe they would wish that on anyone. Know that he/she is finally at peace. Much love
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Al-Anon is a wonderful place to be. It's for anyone who's been affected by someone else's drinking. Some people arrive not knowing if they belong there, and that's absolutely okay.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, therapy and/or support from local domestic violence help centers can become a network of healing, support and learning. Emotional abuse is a very real, damaging and often hard to identify type of abuse, especially as the "good times" may be actual healthy relationship stuff, or it may be part of a cycle of abuse. Healing space helps sort these things out.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, therapy and/or support from local domestic violence help centers can become a network of healing, support and learning. Emotional abuse is a very real, damaging and often hard to identify type of abuse, especially as the "good times" may be actual healthy relationship stuff, or it may be part of a cycle of abuse. Healing space helps sort these things out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
