Marriage crumbling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 10
Marriage crumbling
My husband is convinced I don’t love him and am going to leave him. The longer I’m sober the worse it seems to get. He is admittedly insecure & needy. It is so exhausting. He is now hiding in the bedroom daily & ignoring my kids which is so awkward for us all. My problem is I don’t make enough money to leave him & every conversation turns into fighting. So we stopped talking. I am 47 days sober & feel strong in my sobriety (other than this) after many relapses over last 15 years. Any advice welcome
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Just my personal advice from my own messed up mind. I would ignore him till he confesses his issues in a nice way. Let him pout. Sounds like he needs to learn how to be a man and a dad. Unless he has serious mental issues. I would suggest you suggest he sees a dr but that would probably lead to an argument. What ever you do, dont argue excessively in front of the kids. Dont be a mom to your husband. Put a stink bomb in his room, tell him to come do his laundry and get out and go eat some food. I'm guessing he is in his 20's? Invite his Dad or Mom over for lunch. Maybe he will come out of hiding. This problem sounds like it is all on his end. Also try and get out with the kids often. Leave his ass sitting at home. These are all just suggestions from another man that I believe would kick start him to want to do something. Sounds like he just wants attention. I guarantee he is not enjoying himself sitting in his room. Hes just getting more angry and thinking up ridiculous reasons to **** and moan about his poor self. I doubt there is anything you can do to help him with his issue till he grows up and smartens up. Plus neglecting his kids should have nothing to do with whether you love him or not. Does he not love his children. Dont let money be an issue with anything you do. Millions of people live on their own or with kids that dont make any money at all.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
Is marriage counseling a possibility? It might be good to have a third party to mediate an honest discussion between you two.
Other than that, I hope you don't let this drive you back to drinking. No matter how bad it is, alcohol can make it worse.
Is marriage counseling a possibility? It might be good to have a third party to mediate an honest discussion between you two.Other than that, I hope you don't let this drive you back to drinking. No matter how bad it is, alcohol can make it worse.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Yea, don't drink and marriage counseling is a real good idea, or even personal counseling for him. I did not suggest that because it sounded like he is way to immature for that. Every one can change though but it takes a long time and may never happen. I changed my ways(I was not like he is though) and look at things differently these days but it took me 48 years. Does he drink? Does he not like you not drinking? Is drinking at all an issue between you guys?
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Well, I don't know about your specific marital issues, but I've never heard of a marriage getting better because someone drank.
I couldn't help but notice...
then...
Something to think about. What's your role in the way he feels? Anything you can do to mitigate the fighting?
I couldn't help but notice...
My husband is convinced I don’t love him and am going to leave him
My problem is I don’t make enough money to leave him...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy 
Well, I don't know about your specific marital issues, but I've never heard of a marriage getting better because someone drank.
I couldn't help but notice...
then...
Something to think about. What's your role in the way he feels? Anything you can do to mitigate the fighting?
I couldn't help but notice...
then...
Something to think about. What's your role in the way he feels? Anything you can do to mitigate the fighting?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Maybe he thinks you are only with him because you can't afford to leave him. Your post reads that way too. Whatever the reasons hiding in a bedroom is no way to move forward. Very immature and plain odd
What do you want? What can you do? You can't control him or make him change, only focus on what you can do. Your kids deserve better than to live in this toxic environment.
What do you want? What can you do? You can't control him or make him change, only focus on what you can do. Your kids deserve better than to live in this toxic environment.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I agree with the comments that your husband possibly feels insecure because he is aware you are only with him because you don't make enough money to leave. He is afraid.
I hope the two of you can talk about things, and I think that marriage counselling would be a good idea.
I hope the two of you can talk about things, and I think that marriage counselling would be a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
OR, maybe she is considering leaving him because he is "admittedly insecure & needy" and "every conversation turns into fighting. So we stopped talking" and " He is now hiding in the bedroom daily & ignoring my kids which is so awkward for us all". and she is getting more sober about the issue. All stuff to contemplate for her.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'm going to back this up a second....
What are you doing to be sober now? 47 days is great, especially if you have relapsed many times- yet it is super early. I needed to focus on getting sober and finding a life in recovery before I could possibly make clear decisions about significant relationships.
What are you doing to be sober now? 47 days is great, especially if you have relapsed many times- yet it is super early. I needed to focus on getting sober and finding a life in recovery before I could possibly make clear decisions about significant relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 10
Thank you
Originally Posted by Abraham
Just my personal advice from my own messed up mind. I would ignore him till he confesses his issues in a nice way. Let him pout. Sounds like he needs to learn how to be a man and a dad. Unless he has serious mental issues. I would suggest you suggest he sees a dr but that would probably lead to an argument. What ever you do, dont argue excessively in front of the kids. Dont be a mom to your husband. Put a stink bomb in his room, tell him to come do his laundry and get out and go eat some food. I'm guessing he is in his 20's? Invite his Dad or Mom over for lunch. Maybe he will come out of hiding. This problem sounds like it is all on his end. Also try and get out with the kids often. Leave his ass sitting at home. These are all just suggestions from another man that I believe would kick start him to want to do something. Sounds like he just wants attention. I guarantee he is not enjoying himself sitting in his room. Hes just getting more angry and thinking up ridiculous reasons to **** and moan about his poor self. I doubt there is anything you can do to help him with his issue till he grows up and smartens up. Plus neglecting his kids should have nothing to do with whether you love him or not. Does he not love his children. Dont let money be an issue with anything you do. Millions of people live on their own or with kids that dont make any money at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 10
Counseling
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to the family. Is marriage counseling a possibility? It might be good to have a third party to mediate an honest discussion between you two.
Other than that, I hope you don't let this drive you back to drinking. No matter how bad it is, alcohol can make it worse.
Is marriage counseling a possibility? It might be good to have a third party to mediate an honest discussion between you two.Other than that, I hope you don't let this drive you back to drinking. No matter how bad it is, alcohol can make it worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Abraham
Yea, don't drink and marriage counseling is a real good idea, or even personal counseling for him. I did not suggest that because it sounded like he is way to immature for that. Every one can change though but it takes a long time and may never happen. I changed my ways(I was not like he is though) and look at things differently these days but it took me 48 years. Does he drink? Does he not like you not drinking? Is drinking at all an issue between you guys?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 10
My role...
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy
Well, I don't know about your specific marital issues, but I've never heard of a marriage getting better because someone drank.
I couldn't help but notice...
then...
Something to think about. What's your role in the way he feels? Anything you can do to mitigate the fighting?
I couldn't help but notice...
then...
Something to think about. What's your role in the way he feels? Anything you can do to mitigate the fighting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 10
All that I’m told to do
Originally Posted by August252015
I'm going to back this up a second....
What are you doing to be sober now? 47 days is great, especially if you have relapsed many times- yet it is super early. I needed to focus on getting sober and finding a life in recovery before I could possibly make clear decisions about significant relationships.
What are you doing to be sober now? 47 days is great, especially if you have relapsed many times- yet it is super early. I needed to focus on getting sober and finding a life in recovery before I could possibly make clear decisions about significant relationships.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi scaredohsoscared - welcome 
Lots of good advice here
I think I understand the basis of that advice - nothing stressful or triggering that might make you drink....
but if you decide you want this marriage to last, I think counselling is a good idea?.
D
Lots of good advice here
As far as counseling I was told 15+ years ago (in my first marriage) that the marriage counseling needed to wait until I had more time.
but if you decide you want this marriage to last, I think counselling is a good idea?.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Hi Scared,
You mention that your husband is insecure and needy and that you don't make enough money to leave him. That means each party is in a situation where they are miserable but the status quo seems better than the alternative.
You're miserable but you don't have financial security to leave. I'd be willing to bet he's miserable too but feels nobody else will love him if he were to leave. The end result is a home where both of you are resentful and kids are thrown in the mix.
I'll echo the recommendation for marriage counseling but this will be a steep hill to climb.
From personal experience my wife threw me out and divorced me due to my drinking. It was a similar situation, both of us were miserable but both of us were afraid of making a change. Despite being one of the lowest points of my life it ultimately led to the happiness and freedom I have now. I hope she is in a better place as well. Good luck.
You mention that your husband is insecure and needy and that you don't make enough money to leave him. That means each party is in a situation where they are miserable but the status quo seems better than the alternative.
You're miserable but you don't have financial security to leave. I'd be willing to bet he's miserable too but feels nobody else will love him if he were to leave. The end result is a home where both of you are resentful and kids are thrown in the mix.
I'll echo the recommendation for marriage counseling but this will be a steep hill to climb.
From personal experience my wife threw me out and divorced me due to my drinking. It was a similar situation, both of us were miserable but both of us were afraid of making a change. Despite being one of the lowest points of my life it ultimately led to the happiness and freedom I have now. I hope she is in a better place as well. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Ok, maybe I am going against the grain here but I would say 'just let it be'.
47 days is awesome, but it is still early days. Maybe just keep the focus on yourself, your recovery and your children? If it were me I would be wanting to keep my energies there for now. Perhaps be kind to your husband even if you don't feel like it, it will take less of your energy, and you can keep your energy for building your recovery tool kit. Life has a way of falling into place if we keep doing the things we need to do for ourselves.
Great to hear that you are feeling strong. Keep that and don't give it away.
ps., I say this as someone that has been both married and divorced in recovery. It can feel like everything but I can promise you that it is not.
47 days is awesome, but it is still early days. Maybe just keep the focus on yourself, your recovery and your children? If it were me I would be wanting to keep my energies there for now. Perhaps be kind to your husband even if you don't feel like it, it will take less of your energy, and you can keep your energy for building your recovery tool kit. Life has a way of falling into place if we keep doing the things we need to do for ourselves.
Great to hear that you are feeling strong. Keep that and don't give it away.
ps., I say this as someone that has been both married and divorced in recovery. It can feel like everything but I can promise you that it is not.
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