whitejay

Hi everyone. I dont know where to turn anymore. The vicious cycle has beat me down and I am really at the bottom now.
I wish I had support and someone to talk to but I have no one. I am sick of being sick and depressed. I just bought a home at the beach and it doesnt even make me happy.
i have no joy, just shame.

Abraham

Happiness comes from inside not houses or material goods. Whats the cycle you are in that is beating you down? Maybe you will get some better advice from some of our gurus if you are more specific.

whitejay

The cycle of drinking, being so sick I cant get out of bed for days. Isolating, and the embarrassment, shame and guilt for what I do while drinking. I put my self in situations that are dangerous and dont think anything of it while drunk. Single woman and the things I do while out at the bars are horrendous and I cant forgive myself.
dui's, dont drive anymore. Thank God.

Canuck76

I can certainly relate. I am empty inside. I just want to drink myself to death sometimes. Just can't seem to enjoy life sober.

PinnacleOR

There’s lots of support here and people who can really relate. I completely isolate too when I drank and was really lonely. And sick too, for days. Alcohol itself is a depressant, it’s amazing how just a few days sober can completely change my perspective. Can you quit on your own? I’ve used hospital to detox before and found it very helpful.

We’re rooting for you, you can do this. Imagine being able to really enjoy that beach house sober and healthy.

whitejay

I dont know how to be happy. It's like I want to stop drinking more than anything in this whole world. I pray every day to take this obsession out of my soul. I feel I have damaged my brain and hope it will heal.
The depression is debilitating and of course alcohol makes it 100x worse.
I have been to rehab, for 3 months, AA for a year. Thank you so much for your support.

whitejay

Pinnacle and Canuck can you tell me what you did to save yourself ? I am at the end and dont know if I can go on.

PinnacleOR

For me it was realizing I couldn’t do it alone, for my immediate condition (was in bad shape from multi day bender) I went to hospital. Really helped with fluids and anxiety meds. Detox can be dangerous. I then went to live with family for a while. Being alone and isolated I needed people around me. They offered and I accepted. From there I could work a plan- physical, mental, spiritual with help from meetings and therapy too.

Can you put down the drink and call for help?

Canuck76

I am only on Day 2 after a week long bender so I am the same boat as you.

Callas

Sobriety does not guarantee hapiness. I think it may help to forget about being happy or being anything other than sober. See where that takes you. It sounds as if it can’t be worse than where you find yourself at the moment.

Ghostlight1

Hello.
I don't know how long you've been going through this cycle, but imagine it for ten years. That's how long I was in it. And I mean every single day.
I was either drinking or recovering from drinking.
The only way I felt normal was to be drunk. And I was, for days on end around the clock.
If I wasn't too sick, reaching for the bottle on the nightstand as soon as I woke up. Then drinking until oblivious and passing out again, only to start the cycle over. Seldom ate anything at all. Only getting out to by more booze.
Working just long enough to pay the rent, sometimes, and get more alcohol.
I could tell you about the debauchery and wildness my life was, too. But for brevities sake, it was insane.

Ten years. That was my life. Thinking about it now makes me ill.
That was ten and a half years ago. That's how long I've been sober.
It took the help of AA and this place and many stops and starts, but I slowly made it out one day at a time.
You can do it too if you're willing to help yourself and go to any length to get sober.
And be willing. That's the important one, willingness to get sober more than you want to drink.
use the resources available. Avail Yourself to them.
I've seen people who drank worse than me recover, so you can do it too.
Best to you, and remember, you never have to drink again.

whitejay

Yes. I called my daughter right now.
she is disgusted with me.She is so over me.
I dont blame her.
Your right, I cant do this alone.
I am so embarrassed its so hard to let others really know how bad it is.
But I need help and cant hide anymore or I'll die.
Thanks for sharing. It helps alot

Ghostlight1

I certainly couldn't do it alone. And everyone knew I was an alcoholic so there was no hiding it.
Why don't you try going to a hospital if you're in really bad shape right now? They can help.
Or calling AA. There's people there who understand.
You're not alone.
Don't be embarrassed. I understand, as I'm sure others here do, too.
Best to you, and it may take action to get sober with help from others.

whitejay

Ghostlight I also have been going through this cycle for about 12 years.
The things I have done while drinking is so horrendous it has eaten my soul.
I am an engineer how did I lose myself and hate myself ? I dont know if I can ever forgive myself. That makes me even hate and loathe myself even more.
My pancreas hurts so bad right now.
i have to stop NOW or Im going to die.

whitejay

My last drink was 2am. Its now 11:00am.
I've never been sicker. Im off to the hospital.
Thanks everyone for talking with me.
It helped me so much. Hugs

Ghostlight1

Sending good thoughts your way.

Anna

Please know that you can do this. Alcoholism makes us believe we must live in shame and guilt in order to keep us hooked. But, you can step out of the cycle and move on into recovery. I'm glad you're going to the hospital for help.

PinnacleOR

I’m not an engineer but work with many. How did you lose yourself? I think every alcoholic asks that question. Nobody asked to be this way. I sure didn’t. And you can forgive yourself...

Why not take one step today toward a solution? It’s out there if you want it. If your pancreas hurts maybe get yourself to hospital? Believe me, they’ve seen it all in hospital, I’ve always found care and understanding. Never regretted it esp if you have health insurance.

Dee74

Hi whitejay

I didn't know how to be happy either - but drinking wasn't going to do it, so I thought sobriety just might.

It wasn't an instant process - I had many ups and downs, but I did find happiness - and peace and contentment too

Like Callas says just not drinking didn't bring me happiness, but it did bring me an emotional level playing field where I could work out what I wanted to be happy and how to get there.

Its a leap of faith, but a fairly calculated one - none of us are lying to you

You need never to feel alone when you're part of this community

D

DriGuy

I remember wondering how I had lost myself. But it's not that complicated. I got myself addicted to alcohol. It happened without realizing it. It happened slowly enough not to see it happening. I did have inklings at times that there was something about my drinking that was off, but I disregarded them for years and years thinking they were just unimportant thoughts. [Who me? An alcoholic?] Then my gradual deterioration turned into a spiral. When I tried to quit, I realized I had a serious problem.

I can tell you easy enough how you got there, Whitejay. But I don't think I can tell you something that you don't already know, not right now. I will tell you that it sounds like you have more than enough for a good life, but alcohol is taking the joy out of it, and it makes me sad. You seem to be trying. Why it's not working, I don't know. There are solutions... different for everyone. I hope you can find yours.