Huge step forward
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Huge step forward
As you may know I filed a motion to change custody with my XAH because he is actively drinking. He was sort of letting me breathalyze him for visits but half the time he was drunk and always he was a jerk about it.
I was asking for no overnights until I could get him on soberlink and then monitored visits. Then soberlink for his visits, which were two nights a week.
He was a total jerk yesterday, calling constantly, hiding from the process server, etc. Today he was cowering, ready to agree to whatever.
Then we got in front of the judge who gave me full custody, two weekday visits on soberlink but no overnights, orders 5 AA meetings a week, and if he can do that with no positive readings for 6 months he can get one night back per week. It’s permanent order unless he wants to go through the custody mediator, and they will make a recommendation.
I cried at the counsel table. I have been so scared that I was playing all my cards so if I lost my kid would be in danger. But the court totally got it.
So, just a positive note to all of you like me that are scared to leave an alcoholic because of sharing your kid (as I was). Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
I was asking for no overnights until I could get him on soberlink and then monitored visits. Then soberlink for his visits, which were two nights a week.
He was a total jerk yesterday, calling constantly, hiding from the process server, etc. Today he was cowering, ready to agree to whatever.
Then we got in front of the judge who gave me full custody, two weekday visits on soberlink but no overnights, orders 5 AA meetings a week, and if he can do that with no positive readings for 6 months he can get one night back per week. It’s permanent order unless he wants to go through the custody mediator, and they will make a recommendation.
I cried at the counsel table. I have been so scared that I was playing all my cards so if I lost my kid would be in danger. But the court totally got it.
So, just a positive note to all of you like me that are scared to leave an alcoholic because of sharing your kid (as I was). Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
Congratulations and thank you for the update.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by DiggingForFire 
As you may know I filed a motion to change custody with my XAH because he is actively drinking. He was sort of letting me breathalyze him for visits but half the time he was drunk and always he was a jerk about it.
I was asking for no overnights until I could get him on soberlink and then monitored visits. Then soberlink for his visits, which were two nights a week.
He was a total jerk yesterday, calling constantly, hiding from the process server, etc. Today he was cowering, ready to agree to whatever.
Then we got in front of the judge who gave me full custody, two weekday visits on soberlink but no overnights, orders 5 AA meetings a week, and if he can do that with no positive readings for 6 months he can get one night back per week. It’s permanent order unless he wants to go through the custody mediator, and they will make a recommendation.
I cried at the counsel table. I have been so scared that I was playing all my cards so if I lost my kid would be in danger. But the court totally got it.
So, just a positive note to all of you like me that are scared to leave an alcoholic because of sharing your kid (as I was). Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
I was asking for no overnights until I could get him on soberlink and then monitored visits. Then soberlink for his visits, which were two nights a week.
He was a total jerk yesterday, calling constantly, hiding from the process server, etc. Today he was cowering, ready to agree to whatever.
Then we got in front of the judge who gave me full custody, two weekday visits on soberlink but no overnights, orders 5 AA meetings a week, and if he can do that with no positive readings for 6 months he can get one night back per week. It’s permanent order unless he wants to go through the custody mediator, and they will make a recommendation.
I cried at the counsel table. I have been so scared that I was playing all my cards so if I lost my kid would be in danger. But the court totally got it.
So, just a positive note to all of you like me that are scared to leave an alcoholic because of sharing your kid (as I was). Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
And the end of the day it comes down to the judge. Mine was a Pollyanna...
I've no idea if he's drinking round the kids. I'd be bloody stupid to think he wasn't. When I catch him at it he'll have breached the parenting order and he might get a fine.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Milano,
Protection of our kids is vitally important. It's good to see you have the stipulation of not drinking when he has the kids. Working with certain agencies who have experience with these things may provide assistance in clarifying this and support for you. What happens if you simply trust your gut and don't allow a visit? Would your ex be required to take a breathalyzer at the police station for a certain amount of days, etc. ?
Protection of our kids is vitally important. It's good to see you have the stipulation of not drinking when he has the kids. Working with certain agencies who have experience with these things may provide assistance in clarifying this and support for you. What happens if you simply trust your gut and don't allow a visit? Would your ex be required to take a breathalyzer at the police station for a certain amount of days, etc. ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Milano58
I've no idea if he's drinking round the kids. I'd be bloody stupid to think he wasn't. When I catch him at it he'll have breached the parenting order and he might get a fine.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
As you may know I filed a motion to change custody with my XAH because he is actively drinking. He was sort of letting me breathalyze him for visits but half the time he was drunk and always he was a jerk about it.
I was asking for no overnights until I could get him on soberlink and then monitored visits. Then soberlink for his visits, which were two nights a week.
He was a total jerk yesterday, calling constantly, hiding from the process server, etc. Today he was cowering, ready to agree to whatever.
Then we got in front of the judge who gave me full custody, two weekday visits on soberlink but no overnights, orders 5 AA meetings a week, and if he can do that with no positive readings for 6 months he can get one night back per week. It’s permanent order unless he wants to go through the custody mediator, and they will make a recommendation.
I cried at the counsel table. I have been so scared that I was playing all my cards so if I lost my kid would be in danger. But the court totally got it.
So, just a positive note to all of you like me that are scared to leave an alcoholic because of sharing your kid (as I was). Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
I was asking for no overnights until I could get him on soberlink and then monitored visits. Then soberlink for his visits, which were two nights a week.
He was a total jerk yesterday, calling constantly, hiding from the process server, etc. Today he was cowering, ready to agree to whatever.
Then we got in front of the judge who gave me full custody, two weekday visits on soberlink but no overnights, orders 5 AA meetings a week, and if he can do that with no positive readings for 6 months he can get one night back per week. It’s permanent order unless he wants to go through the custody mediator, and they will make a recommendation.
I cried at the counsel table. I have been so scared that I was playing all my cards so if I lost my kid would be in danger. But the court totally got it.
So, just a positive note to all of you like me that are scared to leave an alcoholic because of sharing your kid (as I was). Sometimes the court gets it right, and you can have your own, healthy life while also being able to protect your littles.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
I'm sure your own documentation and meticulous record-keeping played a big role in the court's decision to restrict his access to the kids. Well done!
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by Mango212
Milano,
Protection of our kids is vitally important. It's good to see you have the stipulation of not drinking when he has the kids. Working with certain agencies who have experience with these things may provide assistance in clarifying this and support for you. What happens if you simply trust your gut and don't allow a visit? Would your ex be required to take a breathalyzer at the police station for a certain amount of days, etc. ?
Protection of our kids is vitally important. It's good to see you have the stipulation of not drinking when he has the kids. Working with certain agencies who have experience with these things may provide assistance in clarifying this and support for you. What happens if you simply trust your gut and don't allow a visit? Would your ex be required to take a breathalyzer at the police station for a certain amount of days, etc. ?
The schools are aware of the situation. If any parent rocked up smelling of alcohol or acting drunk the children would be removed from the situation and the police would be called. Sadly I'm not the only parent at our school going through this. A teacher must watch him sign the kids out too. Just to be sure. Unfortunately his enabler was the very person who told the courts she would know if he was skipping AA or drinking again. Now they're in a 'relationship' and they're drinking together she is no longer.. Never was.. Trustworthy.
I live close by and I do the odd drive by. I'm hoping to make more friends in the community so we can all keep an eye out for the kids.
In the meantime I have an uncanny feeling that his current enabler will be responsible for his death. I have no idea why. Anytime she comes to mind.. I just know she's responsible. I'm listening to my gut this time. I wish I'd been doing it all along....
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Hi All, I just wanted to update this thread as a point of hope for those of us dealing with the custody issues with an alcoholic.
I got a temporary order of full custody, with the soberlink for XAH’s parenting time. The orders said that if he did not fight it, it would become permanent and then after six months he could get one overnight per week back if he had zero positive results on soberlink in that whole time.
we had our custody evaluation today, which was a necessary step for him to challenge the order, and he spun all the stories he usually does, how his life is being ruined by not seeing his daughter more, how he is sober (other than when he calls a sip or two of his girlfriends wine here or there) that he is going to be tested but he needs to have his overnights. He also threw out the fact that I used to drink with him ( True enough before we had a child, but never like him) and how hard he has been working. He also threw out his lame excuse about the fact that he was drinking so much because he worked so hard. ( I worked 3/4 time while he worked full-time, and I did everything else for both the house and the kid. I’m sure getting out of bed every morning was such a trial for him.)
she saw through it, told him there was no chance he was going to get his overnights back right now, at which point he decided it wasn’t worth it if I the order anymore. So he signed off on the temporary order becoming permanent, and I am officially the sole custodial parent. I am so unbelievably relieved.
on the way out the door, he tells the mediator he is in a new domestic relationship, and plans to request 50% custody when he can. He likes to say this, I assume because it makes me insane. I told him I was sure he would marry his latest girlfriend of eight weeks before the end of the year, and I would see him in court when he was ready to try to fight me for 50-50.
he cried at me for the 15 minutes before we got called, so I would not let him wait in the same room with me while we were waiting for the custody evaluator to write up the stipulation. For once in my life when he was full of tears and begging me to help him, I didn’t feel the slightest bit bad for him, because he wrought all of this by endangering my kid.
I got a temporary order of full custody, with the soberlink for XAH’s parenting time. The orders said that if he did not fight it, it would become permanent and then after six months he could get one overnight per week back if he had zero positive results on soberlink in that whole time.
we had our custody evaluation today, which was a necessary step for him to challenge the order, and he spun all the stories he usually does, how his life is being ruined by not seeing his daughter more, how he is sober (other than when he calls a sip or two of his girlfriends wine here or there) that he is going to be tested but he needs to have his overnights. He also threw out the fact that I used to drink with him ( True enough before we had a child, but never like him) and how hard he has been working. He also threw out his lame excuse about the fact that he was drinking so much because he worked so hard. ( I worked 3/4 time while he worked full-time, and I did everything else for both the house and the kid. I’m sure getting out of bed every morning was such a trial for him.)
she saw through it, told him there was no chance he was going to get his overnights back right now, at which point he decided it wasn’t worth it if I the order anymore. So he signed off on the temporary order becoming permanent, and I am officially the sole custodial parent. I am so unbelievably relieved.
on the way out the door, he tells the mediator he is in a new domestic relationship, and plans to request 50% custody when he can. He likes to say this, I assume because it makes me insane. I told him I was sure he would marry his latest girlfriend of eight weeks before the end of the year, and I would see him in court when he was ready to try to fight me for 50-50.
he cried at me for the 15 minutes before we got called, so I would not let him wait in the same room with me while we were waiting for the custody evaluator to write up the stipulation. For once in my life when he was full of tears and begging me to help him, I didn’t feel the slightest bit bad for him, because he wrought all of this by endangering my kid.
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Digging......Congratulations! And good for you for fighting the hard fight!
E almost giggled at the arguments that he threw at the custody evaluator. She must have seen this kind of crap about a million times. He sounds, to me, like a puffed up paper tiger...lol....
I know that your descriptions of this battle of yours is of great inspiration and comfort to the many people who read these threads...who are going through the exhausting and scary custody battles, themselves...
Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences!
E almost giggled at the arguments that he threw at the custody evaluator. She must have seen this kind of crap about a million times. He sounds, to me, like a puffed up paper tiger...lol....
I know that your descriptions of this battle of yours is of great inspiration and comfort to the many people who read these threads...who are going through the exhausting and scary custody battles, themselves...
Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences!
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Location: Western US
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So good to hear Digging although I'm also sorry that this man is continuing to self destruct.
I would think courts would get pretty good at dealing with drunks as they do seem to run up against the law quite a bit but I suppose there are plenty of court folks who don't get alcoholism. Ugh.
I would think courts would get pretty good at dealing with drunks as they do seem to run up against the law quite a bit but I suppose there are plenty of court folks who don't get alcoholism. Ugh.
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so in the course of ONE meeting, of maybe 2 hours he went from:
1) crying like a baby
2) lying like a rug
3) sounding like an IRS robocall, full of bluff and threats
and....
So he signed off on the temporary order becoming permanent, and I am officially the sole custodial parent.
to.......
tells the mediator he is in a new domestic relationship, and plans to request 50% custody when he can.
also in the same meeting? isn't that kind of impressive? in a total ass-hattian kind of way? it takes a lot of effort to be three different people at once!
1) crying like a baby
2) lying like a rug
3) sounding like an IRS robocall, full of bluff and threats
and....
So he signed off on the temporary order becoming permanent, and I am officially the sole custodial parent.
to.......
tells the mediator he is in a new domestic relationship, and plans to request 50% custody when he can.
also in the same meeting? isn't that kind of impressive? in a total ass-hattian kind of way? it takes a lot of effort to be three different people at once!
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
LOL Anvil. Yes, he is a one man stage show. I am so used to the different characters he plays I honestly didn’t even see it as a particularly noteworthy performance. Lies, tears, blaming me, saying he’s awesome but being killed by all this, rolling over and then twirling his mustache with an “I’ll be back!” before waltzing out with a twirl of his cape.
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
LOL Anvil. Yes, he is a one man stage show. I am so used to the different characters he plays I honestly didn’t even see it as a particularly noteworthy performance. Lies, tears, blaming me, saying he’s awesome but being killed by all this, rolling over and then twirling his mustache with an “I’ll be back!” before waltzing out with a twirl of his cape.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think I've said this before, but OMG we really did marry the same person ... scenery-chewing dramatics, fantasies of 50/50 parenting when he can't pass SoberLink, new gf of eight weeks who's redefining the term "fiancee", thinks he's the smartest person in the room but the mediator has his number. Check, check, check and check.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I think I've said this before, but OMG we really did marry the same person ... scenery-chewing dramatics, fantasies of 50/50 parenting when he can't pass SoberLink, new gf of eight weeks who's redefining the term "fiancee", thinks he's the smartest person in the room but the mediator has his number. Check, check, check and check.
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