Day 4
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Day 4
Feeling zapped physically. Sleep is fitful. When I do get some sleep I wake up with that same feeling you have after you've blacked-out and slept/passed out. There's a feeling of depression (and regret for the embarrassment and knowing people could tell).
There is also that realisation that while you thought you were choosing drink it was choosing you.
WHAT I AM TELLING MYSELF
I don't know how many of have had every withdrawal symptom in the book. I have. And that is what I remind myself. There were times I was so sick death would have been welcomed.
I see a lot of talk of triggers. I also remind myself of the fact that responding to triggers only creates more triggers as you deal with the consequences of being drunk, being seen as drunk by others, being judged and whispered about, thinking you smell fine but actually filling the small space of a room with your fumes. The stressful day at work is not a trigger, not if drinking triggers being fired. The people who were once friends who you suddenly don't hear from anymore. The loss of relationships. And so on. The last two seem near impossible to fix.
All those things can force you further and further down into the abyss.
It's all a little like the story of the Old Woman who Swallowed the Fly. Replace each different creature she swallows with alcohol.
These are the things I'm telling myself and I'm teary writing this (I am a 37-year-old man).
Think deep down I knew all of this. I was "trigger happy" they were all all combined to make trigger as big as an intercontinental ballistic missile.
That is my list of things I am telling myself.
There is also that realisation that while you thought you were choosing drink it was choosing you.
WHAT I AM TELLING MYSELF
I don't know how many of have had every withdrawal symptom in the book. I have. And that is what I remind myself. There were times I was so sick death would have been welcomed.
I see a lot of talk of triggers. I also remind myself of the fact that responding to triggers only creates more triggers as you deal with the consequences of being drunk, being seen as drunk by others, being judged and whispered about, thinking you smell fine but actually filling the small space of a room with your fumes. The stressful day at work is not a trigger, not if drinking triggers being fired. The people who were once friends who you suddenly don't hear from anymore. The loss of relationships. And so on. The last two seem near impossible to fix.
All those things can force you further and further down into the abyss.
It's all a little like the story of the Old Woman who Swallowed the Fly. Replace each different creature she swallows with alcohol.
These are the things I'm telling myself and I'm teary writing this (I am a 37-year-old man).
Think deep down I knew all of this. I was "trigger happy" they were all all combined to make trigger as big as an intercontinental ballistic missile.
That is my list of things I am telling myself.
Last edited by Strugglingto; 06-15-2019 at 07:29 PM. Reason: Typos
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Well done on day 4. My brain was in overdrive so early after a quit. Time will help. Alcohol magnifies all of our emotions and there is that darkness it brings. Another 4 days and you will feel brighter. Cry as much as you need to it will help clear your mind
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
In early sobriety they say to take it easy, give yourself time to rest, rebalance, and maybe find some lighthearted entertainment. Even family feud can be a nice easy thing to watch depending on what you like.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
"Trigger happy" - man, if that ain't us in a nutshell!
Someone described triggers as a source of "ego juice": Someone is rude to me...angry response (trigger)...Alcoholic Voice: "See what a victim I am?! I deserve a drink! I need it! No matter how nice I try to be, EVERYONE is cruel..." Now I get the pleasure of feeling like a righteous victim. It doesn't feel good, but I can use it to puff up my ego and retreat into it. Like an inflatable bounce house. It's not structurally sound, but it sure does look more fun than dealing with the reality in front of me.
And after years of letting the world pull these triggers, which we've drawn back to full-****, that becomes our instinctive go-to source for what we've come to call joy. But once we're aware of them, we can take some of the pressure off these triggers, practice not responding, or not responding as quickly, responding differently, etc.
That at least helps me get a picture of what's going on, and when I can visualize it, I feel like I can use it like a physical tool in my hand.
Congrats on Day 4 and working through this hard stuff!!!
Someone described triggers as a source of "ego juice": Someone is rude to me...angry response (trigger)...Alcoholic Voice: "See what a victim I am?! I deserve a drink! I need it! No matter how nice I try to be, EVERYONE is cruel..." Now I get the pleasure of feeling like a righteous victim. It doesn't feel good, but I can use it to puff up my ego and retreat into it. Like an inflatable bounce house. It's not structurally sound, but it sure does look more fun than dealing with the reality in front of me.
And after years of letting the world pull these triggers, which we've drawn back to full-****, that becomes our instinctive go-to source for what we've come to call joy. But once we're aware of them, we can take some of the pressure off these triggers, practice not responding, or not responding as quickly, responding differently, etc.
That at least helps me get a picture of what's going on, and when I can visualize it, I feel like I can use it like a physical tool in my hand.
Congrats on Day 4 and working through this hard stuff!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by BrianK 
"Trigger happy" - man, if that ain't us in a nutshell!
Someone described triggers as a source of "ego juice": Someone is rude to me...angry response (trigger)...Alcoholic Voice: "See what a victim I am?! I deserve a drink! I need it! No matter how nice I try to be, EVERYONE is cruel..." Now I get the pleasure of feeling like a righteous victim. It doesn't feel good, but I can use it to puff up my ego and retreat into it. Like an inflatable bounce house. It's not structurally sound, but it sure does look more fun than dealing with the reality in front of me.
And after years of letting the world pull these triggers, which we've drawn back to full-****, that becomes our instinctive go-to source for what we've come to call joy. But once we're aware of them, we can take some of the pressure off these triggers, practice not responding, or not responding as quickly, responding differently, etc.
That at least helps me get a picture of what's going on, and when I can visualize it, I feel like I can use it like a physical tool in my hand.
Congrats on Day 4 and working through this hard stuff!!!
Someone described triggers as a source of "ego juice": Someone is rude to me...angry response (trigger)...Alcoholic Voice: "See what a victim I am?! I deserve a drink! I need it! No matter how nice I try to be, EVERYONE is cruel..." Now I get the pleasure of feeling like a righteous victim. It doesn't feel good, but I can use it to puff up my ego and retreat into it. Like an inflatable bounce house. It's not structurally sound, but it sure does look more fun than dealing with the reality in front of me.
And after years of letting the world pull these triggers, which we've drawn back to full-****, that becomes our instinctive go-to source for what we've come to call joy. But once we're aware of them, we can take some of the pressure off these triggers, practice not responding, or not responding as quickly, responding differently, etc.
That at least helps me get a picture of what's going on, and when I can visualize it, I feel like I can use it like a physical tool in my hand.
Congrats on Day 4 and working through this hard stuff!!!
Where significant things don't bother you and you become irresponsible and unreliable. Which leads to inevitable consequences and yet another trigger. There is a victim mentality at play for sure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
The last thing I am remind myself of is just how rough I looked. Red in the face, bloated face, a saying my father always used "eyes like p*ssholes in the snow". It is all true.
Another trigger. Because a top-up and it was like you had a magic mirror. After my breakfast top-up I felt ready to take on the world.
And after a maintenance dose I could never smell myself, so was convinced I smelled fine.
The only times were at the times I was so physically sick I could not actually get my fix/medicine. Then I realised my room didn't just have stale vodka smell it was infused with a corpse-like undertone.
Losing several jobs in a row, bit it wasn't me it was THEM. Another trigger.
I feel such a deep sense of shame right now.
Another trigger. Because a top-up and it was like you had a magic mirror. After my breakfast top-up I felt ready to take on the world.
And after a maintenance dose I could never smell myself, so was convinced I smelled fine.
The only times were at the times I was so physically sick I could not actually get my fix/medicine. Then I realised my room didn't just have stale vodka smell it was infused with a corpse-like undertone.
Losing several jobs in a row, bit it wasn't me it was THEM. Another trigger.
I feel such a deep sense of shame right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
Originally Posted by Strugglingto
I feel such a deep sense of shame right now.
I know if I stay ashamed too long I start thinking "Why even try to improve?" Knowing that kind of thinking is a trap helps me at least try to do a little better, whatever I have in my power to do.
Hope things turn upward for you soon!
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