Maybe I’m a bad person, but I often wish that since A refuses to stop drinking, and he’s such a little bitch when he drinks, that he’d stop being functional and drink enough to result in a quick end. Just needed to say it out loud. Sorry if I offend.

I’ve mentioned this before on here, but my ex had such a severe alcoholic withdrawal seizure she stopped breathing and nearly died in my arms 2 months ago. I have NC with her — but I do not wish harm, pain or suffering for her. With every cell in my body, I hope she one day finds sobriety and inner peace. I will always love her. And I wish the same for all those suffering with the pain of addiction and alcoholism. It’s torture for all involved... both the addict and the partner... or family. Sure, it was hell and oh did we fight... but I knew when it was time to leave the toxic cycle.

I learned from those on this forum... it’s OK to grieve... it’s OK to feel angry... it’s OK to feel hurt. Addiction is deeply painful. But when you aren’t moving forward... when you’re stuck in a toxic pattern... and you are wishing that the apparent source of your pain, re: your addicted partner and his issues would cease to exist — it’s time, in my opinion, to create a new game plan for your life.

Addicts already suffer and will continue to suffer if they remain active alcoholics or addicts. But I do not wish them further harm.

Just the other night I was reading the forum on here for alcoholics. I wasn’t emotionally ready to prior. But I could barely read the posts with all the tears collecting within my eyes. Empathy is always important, at all stages of life. Even empathy for oneself when you’re in the depths of despair.

I have this thought all the time. I felt bad about it when I hadn’t left him, because I hadn’t done everything I could to make his conduct not my problem. But now that I’ve done everything I can to extract myself, and he still making me miserable because I have to coparent with him and he is intentionally trying to make that harder for me, I try not to feel bad about that.

God knows he isn’t going to die just because it would make my life easier. And there’s no getting around the fact that my kid will be in a more stable situation overall if and when it’s just me, and there will be no one standing on the sidelines of my life insisting everything that’s wrong with his life is my fault and my problem. I try not to beat myself up for feelings that are honestly pretty rational under the circumstances, are obviously not something I’m going to do anything about, and when my feelings don’t actually impact what’s going to happen. I mean, I try not to swim around in the thought ghoulishly, but I am allowed for feel how I feel about the person who has caused me more sorrow and anxiety than everyone else combined.