Tetrax

I've reacquainted myself with the local AA since returning to the city from my break. They're helping me fight this thing. I'm seeing familiar faces already and talking more. In fact my confidence is up across the board.

I'm only on Day 19 and I'm seeing such positives but the nag is still there of course. The meetings are putting it safely far to the back of my mind, at least. I know I need to get a sponsor soon but I just feel I need to go to a few more, listen a bit more and talk a bit more first (I have trust issues and am naturally introverted).

I've also started on their book. Basically I'm trying to really get my head around accepting a new way of life is necessary. My problem before was ambivalence. Alcoholism is a hard thing to accept, I have found, as I'm sure most reading this will attest to.

I haven't completely 'surrendered' yet - to those who may have read a certain former thread of mine - but I've had no pull towards that which is still around either (one of which has been gotten rid of at least, but either way I don't particularly want to rehash that topic).

Thanks for listening.

Hawkeye13

Excellent work Tetrax--Pro-active and building FTF support is a great foundation--and 19 days is something to be proud of.

I fight ambivalence quite a bit too. It is hard to let go of a lifetime of the pleasure / pain --numbing / connection alcohol provided me.

I think you are being honest and accountable--and that can assist you many miles down the road of sobriety.

thomas11

I don't like the word surrender, it sounds like being defeated. I prefer acceptance. I accept my condition and I'm ok with it. It took awhile to get there, but when it happened it was liberating.

Dee74

it sounds like a good start Tetrax

It took me a long time to surrender, but at least I was more and more open to the possibility

not sure if you saw this thread - food for thought?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...surrender.html (A Different Way of Looking at Surrender?)

MindfulMan

You sound great Tetrax. Strong and purposeful. It's nice to hear.

DriGuy

Personally, I wouldn't rush on the sponsor. Get to know the group well, and then take time to know it even better. Maybe I make too much of it, but choosing a sponsor is like choosing a guru. Well, maybe not that big a deal, but it's a fairly big deal.

It's going to be a new approach to life, but life will still be there as always with it's trials, tribulations, and rewards. Your approach to it changes, but not completely, and not all at once. Don't overwhelm your perceptions about what you are up against. It's going to happen in small bits and pieces. For now, you need to stay sober long enough to get by the cravings. Then stay aware and look for the next thing you need to deal with.

The biggest thing that's going to happen is that getting sober may very well seem like a miracle when it happens, and white knuckling through the first week or two of cravings isn't exactly a picnic, but lots of alcoholics have done it.

As pointed out "surrender" is a charged word with a variety of meanings. I wouldn't get too caught up in what you think it means, because with all of its semantic interpretations, the one you think it means is unlikely to be what it actually is. As Thomas pointed out, acceptance might be a better word. And what you finally accept, surrender to, or find that works for you will be WHAT YOU DISCOVER that makes your life better.

Recovery is not a hardship. It's a growth process. We don't have to "trudge the road to happy destiny," (a frequent quote from the BB that creates a sensation in me like scratching fingernails on a chalk board). There is no "trudgery" in this thing, unless you want it to be. It's a path of small discoveries that end up in something bigger than its parts. Much much bigger, and way more enjoyable. Recovery is fun and exciting. It's not misery and sacrifice.

August252015

Good job Tetrax and glad for the update.

I'll zero in specifically on what I believe you meant by 'surrendered.' Keeping a liquor bottle on hand is indeed un-acceptance, un-surrender, whatever we want to call it. It will be a critical step when you choose to get rid of that and not repeat that choice - leaving an option, if you will, for deciding AA doesn't work.

Have a good sober day of the next right choice, as we say in AA.

MLD51

Glad to hear you doing so well, Tetrax. You sound really good!

DriGuy said:

Recovery is not a hardship. It's a growth process. We don't have to "trudge the road to happy destiny," (a frequent quote from the BB that creates a sensation in me like scratching fingernails on a chalk board). There is no "trudgery" in this thing, unless you want it to be. It's a path of small discoveries that end up in something bigger than its parts. Much much bigger, and way more enjoyable. Recovery is fun and exciting. It's not misery and sacrifice.

I LOVE this. It's exactly how I see recovery.

january161992

i had to get thrown into a locked psych ward 5150 at the end of my first year before i surrendered

life is much better now!

2muchpain

I don't think surrendering is giving up. I means accepting things for what they were and moving on. I think its hard to move on without giving up something. I' ve had to surrender a lot of things to be able to move forward. Not surrendering means holding on to the past. John

Coldfusion

Hi Tetrax!

I tend to be a bit unconventional, and there are many who believe that you should do things in the "proper" order. But I believe it's important to think about all the Steps from the beginning--for example, it's never too early to admit when you are wrong or to do service for others.

Likewise, I first read the Big Book from the back forward: I started on the Personal Stories. My sponsor supported me in this, and told me to find something in every story with which I could identify.

Keep going to meetings--it works if you work it!

DriGuy

I agree. One old timer told me once, "They are in order for a reason." This presumes a reason for the order, but I can't remember Bill Wilson talking about that. Whether an actual reason exists or not, things end up getting numbered, and the appearance is one of order. Some things do come naturally before another, but maybe less than half of them. It made sense to me to work on any step that might apply to your given situation at a specific time. When an amends is necessary, that's the time to practice making them. When someone else is in crisis, that's an appropriate time to work on service to others. Imagine a buddy in tears. You don't tell him/her you can't help him because you're not at that step yet.

I usually read from the beginning to the end. It's just my thing, but there is no reason this is the right way. Well, especially in the Big Book. I always looked at it as two separate parts anyway, and while each compliments the other, there is no necessary linear design to them. Reading the stories first isn't going to ruin the plot.

kinzoku

Wow Tetrax!

I am actually so impressed!

I saw all the struggles you were going through and my heart went out to you.

Congrats on 19 days and on finding a community to support you on this journey.

Ayers

Driguy - wow , so well spoken .

August252015

Just to throw in an additional thought to the steps in order and how we read the book - there is very good reason that it is suggested to start with the first 164p. That gives us the program, the why, the suggestions and basically- the crux of the matter. Personal stories are important- esp bc they were from such early days and the mere beginnings of people sharing - yet 2 sides to a coin as far as whether we relate or compare better/worse than....

I'd throw in the essential p 417-418 as essential acceptance that the "best thing that ever happened" to me was what I call the peculiar gift of being an alcoholic.

Just my $0.02 on how I learned and how I am guiding my sponsee. My version of "take what you want and leave the rest," as the axiom goes.

Tetrax

Thanks, yeah I've already started as it is laid out, just finished Chapter 6. Very nice too to read in the spring sunshine.

August252015

How about a sponsor? Right now, I'm starting the steps again (and basically the book) with a new sponsor. Willingness to do that, which kinda surprised me that she asked me to do the same as she does someone just getting sober (so, there you go, August...point taken!), feels good. I definitely needed someone to go thru the book w me the first time.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I'm so darn happy for you, Tetrax.
Keep fighting the good fight, my friend.