Could do with some support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 5
Could do with some support
Hi all,
I really miss my alcoholic ex-partner and I’m struggling emotionally. We have a beautiful 6 month old baby together who he hasn’t seen since the relationship ended three months ago.
Every so often I’ll get an email from him asking to see her, I attempt to make arrangements but it quickly descends into him calling me names, being abusive and most of the time saying I have a serious and untreated mental illness. As a result of the way he speaks to me, I’ll cancel the arrangements I’ve made with him as I don’t want to put myself through more abuse. In turn, he tells me I am using our daughter as a weapon.
He hit crisis while I was pregnant- our daughter was planned but the relationship was very dysfunctional- I spoke to his friends, family and workplace to garner support for him. He said he stopped drinking. He didn’t, he just hid it better. I thought his family were on my side with helping him so I kept reaching out to them when I discovered he was drinking again.
In the weeks before our daughter arrived, he promised he would stop for her. He didn’t and when challenged he would say I was unsupportive, that drinking less was an achievement and that the problem lay with me. His family began to say similar things to me so I attempted to end our relationship and received an email from his sister who has never met me, saying I was mentally ill and to get help.
After our daughter was born, I gave him another chance. He continued to drink and became worse to be around, it was like he was unraveling.
He began the process of buying a house for us and it was at that point I panicked about being a situation where I would be financially dependent on someone who had for the most part of our time together taken money, food, rent etc from me.
This past weekend alone I’ve had 48 emails from him. He started off by saying he missed our little girl. I could tell he was drunk as it escalated quickly into saying no one cared if he died. I offered him support and he said he had no need to speak to me.
I felt guilty and so the next day I emailed and asked if he would like to come with me the following day to take our daughter to the beach. He responded by calling me names and saying it was disgusting of me to invite him at such short notice. Once more he said I had mental health issues and said my ex-husband agreed with him. (My ex-husband has never spoken to him about it and is someone I am on good terms with).
He also said he is he is going to enjoy exposing me in open court for being a Walter Mitty character. I pride myself of being honest.
in short, this really hurts. I wish things were different. I miss him. I hate people judging me for being a single parent of a baby. It feels like no one is on my side- his family bought me a CBT book on anxiety for Christmas.
I spend a lot of time sad, wishing he was here, that he wasn’t an alcoholic and terrified I am all the things he says I am. If I tell him how much he’s hurt me, or is continuing to hurt me, he says it’s nothing compared with how I’ve punished him for being an alcoholic
I really miss my alcoholic ex-partner and I’m struggling emotionally. We have a beautiful 6 month old baby together who he hasn’t seen since the relationship ended three months ago.
Every so often I’ll get an email from him asking to see her, I attempt to make arrangements but it quickly descends into him calling me names, being abusive and most of the time saying I have a serious and untreated mental illness. As a result of the way he speaks to me, I’ll cancel the arrangements I’ve made with him as I don’t want to put myself through more abuse. In turn, he tells me I am using our daughter as a weapon.
He hit crisis while I was pregnant- our daughter was planned but the relationship was very dysfunctional- I spoke to his friends, family and workplace to garner support for him. He said he stopped drinking. He didn’t, he just hid it better. I thought his family were on my side with helping him so I kept reaching out to them when I discovered he was drinking again.
In the weeks before our daughter arrived, he promised he would stop for her. He didn’t and when challenged he would say I was unsupportive, that drinking less was an achievement and that the problem lay with me. His family began to say similar things to me so I attempted to end our relationship and received an email from his sister who has never met me, saying I was mentally ill and to get help.
After our daughter was born, I gave him another chance. He continued to drink and became worse to be around, it was like he was unraveling.
He began the process of buying a house for us and it was at that point I panicked about being a situation where I would be financially dependent on someone who had for the most part of our time together taken money, food, rent etc from me.
This past weekend alone I’ve had 48 emails from him. He started off by saying he missed our little girl. I could tell he was drunk as it escalated quickly into saying no one cared if he died. I offered him support and he said he had no need to speak to me.
I felt guilty and so the next day I emailed and asked if he would like to come with me the following day to take our daughter to the beach. He responded by calling me names and saying it was disgusting of me to invite him at such short notice. Once more he said I had mental health issues and said my ex-husband agreed with him. (My ex-husband has never spoken to him about it and is someone I am on good terms with).
He also said he is he is going to enjoy exposing me in open court for being a Walter Mitty character. I pride myself of being honest.
in short, this really hurts. I wish things were different. I miss him. I hate people judging me for being a single parent of a baby. It feels like no one is on my side- his family bought me a CBT book on anxiety for Christmas.
I spend a lot of time sad, wishing he was here, that he wasn’t an alcoholic and terrified I am all the things he says I am. If I tell him how much he’s hurt me, or is continuing to hurt me, he says it’s nothing compared with how I’ve punished him for being an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Mi, you need some space from him and his family, and you need it immediately.
I spent a great deal of time and energy hoping things were different instead of accepting them for what they actually were.
Alcoholism is a fmaily disease, as is evidenced by his own relatives protecting the alcoholic's denial of a problem over protecting an innocent baby and her mother from his wrath.
Actions speak louder than words. If seeing your daughter was actually a priority, there would have been no criticism of the way you offered. The only thing you have done to him is disrupt the status quo that lets the addiction be in charge.
I know this hurts. And we always think that if the person who hurt us could be the one to heal us, everything would be okay. He can't do that for you. He can't even help himself. And he certainly has nothing to offer your baby at the moment.
I spent a great deal of time and energy hoping things were different instead of accepting them for what they actually were.
Alcoholism is a fmaily disease, as is evidenced by his own relatives protecting the alcoholic's denial of a problem over protecting an innocent baby and her mother from his wrath.
Actions speak louder than words. If seeing your daughter was actually a priority, there would have been no criticism of the way you offered. The only thing you have done to him is disrupt the status quo that lets the addiction be in charge.
I know this hurts. And we always think that if the person who hurt us could be the one to heal us, everything would be okay. He can't do that for you. He can't even help himself. And he certainly has nothing to offer your baby at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
stay safe and resolute-you and your bub deserve better. Perhaps block your ex from your devices, until he perhaps shows evidence of recovery in action- over months, not days or weeks.
My prayers for you, your ex and your bub, my support to you.
My prayers for you, your ex and your bub, my support to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
So sorry for your situation.
Please be sure to keep all emails and texts, you may need them at some point as evidence of his abuse (and it is abusive).
You may well be missing what was or what could have been, but you certainly aren't missing what you have now and that is all he has on offer.
Imagine your precious child being around him! What support do you have, where is your family? Have you sought out Al-Anon meetings at all?
Fact is, he is using your Daughter as a weapon against you. He never actually shows up for any visits you offer, just takes your contact as an opportunity to hurl insults at you.
As for his family, they only ever hear his side of things and they are his blood relatives. No support to be had there, I would certainly cut them off, block their numbers etc. His Sister must be very gifted to be able to diagnose a mental illness of someone she has never met!
Please be sure to keep all emails and texts, you may need them at some point as evidence of his abuse (and it is abusive).
You may well be missing what was or what could have been, but you certainly aren't missing what you have now and that is all he has on offer.
Imagine your precious child being around him! What support do you have, where is your family? Have you sought out Al-Anon meetings at all?
In turn, he tells me I am using our daughter as a weapon.
As for his family, they only ever hear his side of things and they are his blood relatives. No support to be had there, I would certainly cut them off, block their numbers etc. His Sister must be very gifted to be able to diagnose a mental illness of someone she has never met!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
He can say over and over again that you're using his daughter as a weapon, but that doesn't make it true. He has the opportunity to see her, but he isn't taking it. He's using that opportunity as an excuse to rant at you. She is not really that important to him.
I'm glad you and your daughter got yourselves out of this situation before she grew up exposed to the craziness of the alcoholic household. From what you say about his parents and siblings, it sounds like nobody on that side of the family has a clue what "healthy" looks like. I hope you and your daughter can surround yourselves with people who are sane and who value you.
I'm glad you and your daughter got yourselves out of this situation before she grew up exposed to the craziness of the alcoholic household. From what you say about his parents and siblings, it sounds like nobody on that side of the family has a clue what "healthy" looks like. I hope you and your daughter can surround yourselves with people who are sane and who value you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Mi55, so glad you found this forum. When you are being told by everyone that you are mentally ill, waging a vendetta, etc etc etc its hard to hold onto your self esteem. The practice is called 'gaslighting'- I suggest you Google it and it will seem very familiar.
It makes a lot of sense to stop contacting his family because at this point they are only hearing his side, and you can bet he's acting super rational around them. If you feel the need to justify yourself (a very natural feeling) just know that in time all will be revealed to them. They probably have a good idea of what he's like now, but don't want to admit it.
Do you have support from your family & friends? If you're going to work on something, take your focus off him and place it onto your own health. You sound like you may be depressed and anxious, and who wouldn't be in this situation? That is NOT the same as being mentally ill in the sense that your in-laws and ABF mean.
As suggested earlier, please back up all communications with ABF because you may need them for either custody or other legal reasons, and having written proof will make things much easier.
I'm guessing the reason he's ducking every opportunity to see the baby is that he knows he'll have to be sober. You are interfering with his drinking time!!! Many A's, including myself at one point, kid themselves they will give up drinking at a certain point in the future - baby arrival, holiday, the New Year. No wonder he's defensive when he found out it isn't as easy as he thought.
All the best, keep in touch and do a lot of reading around this website. It will open your eyes.
It makes a lot of sense to stop contacting his family because at this point they are only hearing his side, and you can bet he's acting super rational around them. If you feel the need to justify yourself (a very natural feeling) just know that in time all will be revealed to them. They probably have a good idea of what he's like now, but don't want to admit it.
Do you have support from your family & friends? If you're going to work on something, take your focus off him and place it onto your own health. You sound like you may be depressed and anxious, and who wouldn't be in this situation? That is NOT the same as being mentally ill in the sense that your in-laws and ABF mean.
As suggested earlier, please back up all communications with ABF because you may need them for either custody or other legal reasons, and having written proof will make things much easier.
I'm guessing the reason he's ducking every opportunity to see the baby is that he knows he'll have to be sober. You are interfering with his drinking time!!! Many A's, including myself at one point, kid themselves they will give up drinking at a certain point in the future - baby arrival, holiday, the New Year. No wonder he's defensive when he found out it isn't as easy as he thought.
All the best, keep in touch and do a lot of reading around this website. It will open your eyes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 5
Hi all, thank you all so much for your advice and support- I’m glad I found this forum as I haven’t got anyone in the real world who understands.
I am definitely going to go no contact and as suggested, work on myself.
ive had a tough road- domestic abuse, divorce, aggressive bread cancer and now my ABF. It’s definitely time for a break.
im also looking to move back to my hometown as I currently live somewhere without friends or family and it’s hard.
To the poster who mentioned anxiety- you are very perceptive- I have anxiety and panic attacks- and it was heightened by my ex-partners behaviour, and became the stick he beat me with.
this site and Forum seems like a valuable resource- thank you for sharing it with me
x
I am definitely going to go no contact and as suggested, work on myself.
ive had a tough road- domestic abuse, divorce, aggressive bread cancer and now my ABF. It’s definitely time for a break.
im also looking to move back to my hometown as I currently live somewhere without friends or family and it’s hard.
To the poster who mentioned anxiety- you are very perceptive- I have anxiety and panic attacks- and it was heightened by my ex-partners behaviour, and became the stick he beat me with.
this site and Forum seems like a valuable resource- thank you for sharing it with me
xMember
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. Alanon was a huge help in getting me to accept reality: that I'm powerless over people, places and things. And, that there's nothing I can do or say that will affect the alcoholic. The support is invaluable and I recommend it.
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