Learning to live with a sober husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 3
Learning to live with a sober husband
My husband has been sober for eight months now. We’ve had a contentious few months and now we’re trying to make it work. I did not think that relating would be so difficult after sobriety.
There is a sober blog which he visits daily. He’s on his phone from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed posting on this sobriety blog. He has made some great friendships which is incredible as he continues his journey. He has also bonded with one female member and they regularly exchange private messages which he keeps from me. The secrecy is disconcerting.
Is this something that I should let go? Because he’s found his sober legs? He’s connecting with other recovering alcoholics and maintains his sobriety. All good. Because I never understood the disease and his struggles which was the cause of most of our fights over 18 years of marriage.
There is a sober blog which he visits daily. He’s on his phone from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed posting on this sobriety blog. He has made some great friendships which is incredible as he continues his journey. He has also bonded with one female member and they regularly exchange private messages which he keeps from me. The secrecy is disconcerting.
Is this something that I should let go? Because he’s found his sober legs? He’s connecting with other recovering alcoholics and maintains his sobriety. All good. Because I never understood the disease and his struggles which was the cause of most of our fights over 18 years of marriage.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome countingstars 
I don't think it's unreasonable if you ask your husband about behaviors that unsettle you.
I think communication is definitely key to a good relationship.
But having been in recovery I also think its important to allow for a space where you can talk freely & honestly without worrying about your partner or anyone else for that matter might think.
It's hard to get that balance, but I think with communication and give and take on both sides you'll get there
D
I don't think it's unreasonable if you ask your husband about behaviors that unsettle you.
I think communication is definitely key to a good relationship.
But having been in recovery I also think its important to allow for a space where you can talk freely & honestly without worrying about your partner or anyone else for that matter might think.
It's hard to get that balance, but I think with communication and give and take on both sides you'll get there
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
Hello countingstars glad you are here
This is uncharted territory for both of you. Maybe you could have a talk with your husband to clearly lay out the specific things you need from each other in your relationship. For instance, you might need reassurance that he is not looking for anything other than support in his sobriety from the blog, in whatever form that takes.
Hopefully together you can work out a new normal that makes you both happy.
glad you are hereThis is uncharted territory for both of you. Maybe you could have a talk with your husband to clearly lay out the specific things you need from each other in your relationship. For instance, you might need reassurance that he is not looking for anything other than support in his sobriety from the blog, in whatever form that takes.
Hopefully together you can work out a new normal that makes you both happy.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hey countingstars- as the recovering alcoholic myself, and as someone who had an alcoholic mom and non-alcoholic dad who have now been married going on 48 years (she finally got sober for good in her late 50s/early 60s and they are now 74)...I should also note that my husband is in recovery too - we re-met (dated in high school) when we had both quit drinking; his ex-wife had not stopped drinking at the time and both drank alcoholically for most of their 18 yr marriage.
-the first year, at least, is such a growing, healing and process for us. It's different for everyone, him and you in this case. A good book for every alcoholic, and one I'd suggest for you too is Living Sober, which is about the first year
-what you are seeing as "secrecy" might to him be privacy, or in other words, a way of talking to people like him (us) - I share a lot of my recovery w my husband and v versa, but each of us needs private space because we actually should NOT share everything
- I don't have but a couple of kind of close relationships with guys in the program (or out of it, actually) and both my husband and I have open access to text, etc. Especially early on, I think this opposite sex communication is an area you can indeed inquire about - an ultimatum, or even just "pushy" behavior about it might not be well received, though - and NOT necessarily bc anything is "going on"
- Same sex support is critical - does your husband have a sponsor if he is in AA? Other support friends that are men?
- Al Anon (or if there's a non-AA type program) is critical for spouses. I know couple who are close friends of my family, he is going on 15 years sober and as she says "he has to have his program to stay sober and I have to have mine to stay sane" - and I think she'd add "stay married" to that
- the first year is super early
- this is a complicated disease and you mention not knowing much about it - I'm not sure non-alcoholics every truly get it, but some like my dad come as close as possible - it takes a lot of work to do that
Perhaps some reading here on our Newcomers Section could also help you? It's for folks new in sobriety (whatever that means to each person - for me, I called myself and considered myself that well close to my 2 yr mark; I am 3 yr and change now). There are also threads for each "class" meaning the month people quit so people getting sober/having around the time your husband does would probably be in the Class of Aug or Sep 2018?
You also hit on something really important - you didn't know how hard this would be. And it is! For you, just as much as for him. A way I thought of this as a teen, in my 20s, etc - when my mom was drinking, our fam of four had one working system; we each had our "roles." When she got sober, that entire dynamic changed- and we've each had to find new roles over the past 2-3 decades.
Best to you and your husband.
-the first year, at least, is such a growing, healing and process for us. It's different for everyone, him and you in this case. A good book for every alcoholic, and one I'd suggest for you too is Living Sober, which is about the first year
-what you are seeing as "secrecy" might to him be privacy, or in other words, a way of talking to people like him (us) - I share a lot of my recovery w my husband and v versa, but each of us needs private space because we actually should NOT share everything
- I don't have but a couple of kind of close relationships with guys in the program (or out of it, actually) and both my husband and I have open access to text, etc. Especially early on, I think this opposite sex communication is an area you can indeed inquire about - an ultimatum, or even just "pushy" behavior about it might not be well received, though - and NOT necessarily bc anything is "going on"
- Same sex support is critical - does your husband have a sponsor if he is in AA? Other support friends that are men?
- Al Anon (or if there's a non-AA type program) is critical for spouses. I know couple who are close friends of my family, he is going on 15 years sober and as she says "he has to have his program to stay sober and I have to have mine to stay sane" - and I think she'd add "stay married" to that
- the first year is super early
- this is a complicated disease and you mention not knowing much about it - I'm not sure non-alcoholics every truly get it, but some like my dad come as close as possible - it takes a lot of work to do that
Perhaps some reading here on our Newcomers Section could also help you? It's for folks new in sobriety (whatever that means to each person - for me, I called myself and considered myself that well close to my 2 yr mark; I am 3 yr and change now). There are also threads for each "class" meaning the month people quit so people getting sober/having around the time your husband does would probably be in the Class of Aug or Sep 2018?
You also hit on something really important - you didn't know how hard this would be. And it is! For you, just as much as for him. A way I thought of this as a teen, in my 20s, etc - when my mom was drinking, our fam of four had one working system; we each had our "roles." When she got sober, that entire dynamic changed- and we've each had to find new roles over the past 2-3 decades.
Best to you and your husband.
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