Wombaticus

I shared a news article on social media today about - well doesnt really matter - but there was lots of discussion, and i added that love was a basic human need and right.
And i now feel like my words have just hit me. I want to scream out to those people who read the comment: im living a lie... Im married to an alcoholic...I don't have that love...he doesn't listen...he will travel on a plane to go to an event that is going to be an exciting event with alcohol, but he won't 'show up' for me.
He says we are his world, but I've learnt that unless words are followed up by actions, things won't change. I know I am good enough. The pain ahead to disrupt my life, and my children's is overwhelming.

dandylion

Wombaticus…..I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed when facing change.....
Maybe it would help to think of it as: Short-term pain....for the Long-term gain.

I think that if a person can live with an active alcoholic for several years...they certainly have the strength to live without the alcoholic.

Remember the old sayin? "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Reading over your past threads, you share a life of considerable unhappiness....
Of the thousands and thousands...yes, thousands....of stories, shared here...those who have left the situation of many years of unhappiness....
None of them seem to say that they wish that they had stayed, in the misery....
True, making some of the practical changes was not always a cake-walk...but, the efforts brought more rewards than the pain that they were living in....

As corny as it might sound.....baby steps...baby steps...baby steps...

Bekindalways

Ugh, Wombaticus. It has been decades since I left my qualifier. Things are very different for me now. However I have never forgotten the loneliness of being with him. Solitude is NEVER that lonely.

It was absolutely hell leaving him and oh so very very worth it.

trailmix

I know what you mean. The first time I got divorced I hadn't really thought about it all that long. Although the marriage was dysfunctional (lots of arguing - not alcohol related), I hadn't really considered divorce. I know he loved me, but that wasn't enough.

The arguing, the general unhappiness. Eventually I got to thinking, there are people out there who are happy, who would be happy with me, who I would be happy with. This shifted my thinking and I asked for a divorce (in a nutshell).

Well, that all sounds like it's tied up with a pretty ribbon.

No. Within hours of having that discussion the fear set in, now what? I almost changed my mind, well I kind of did, but there was no turning back.

So was it scary and uncomfortable. Yes, telling someone you care about , even a little, that you want a divorce, is no fun, not one bit. I stuck by my decision.

One thing I will say is, I had no plan, none! I think a plan is imperative to assuage some of the fear and to make the transition easier for everyone. I think if I had a plan in place there would have been less of that flying by the seat of my pants feeling and wth do I do now feeling, which is never a great place to be.

So plan, you may never do anything with your plan! At least you can look at it and think, I can do this if I want to. I agree with dandylion, baby steps.

Or you can do what I did and just walk out the door (figuratively, not literally in my case) and say that's enough, I am going to do something different with my life. You are not a hostage.

I tend to think of it this way now. Did I make the right decision? I don't know, but it wasn't the wrong decision either.

Wombaticus

Thanks everyone. I've been through separation before - as a single 20-something and it was awful. There were impacts on my work, but there were lots of positives too - new group of friends, freedom. I'm better placed to deal with it now, but the stakes are higher too with my.kids. His best friend has all but given up on him and I take comfort from that - knowing im not the only one who notices what he has become. He has withdrawn from all social activities and replaced my friendship with alcohol, my love and intimacy with vision on the internet. I know what the rental market is doing and how much it will cost. Im planning. I know my family will understand. Others may hate and blame me, but I'm too old for personality contests - i dont care. His narcissism won't let him admit to any responsibility, and I can live with that. I will get to where i want to be. Love to you all.

FallenAngelina

It's always best to not let fear of social judgement rule us, so your head is in the right place, but...

Keep in mind that any of these Others who might hate or blame you would have to be totally caught up in their own painful, dysfunctional system in order to even have that judgement of you. Healthy thinking people (even marginally healthy thinking people!) don't even begin to hurl emotional accusations at someone who is involved with an active alcoholic. If you have Others in your life who judge you this harshly, they are best left in the wake of your new healthy choices. Their absence will make room for new and more nourishing connections.

Mango212

Acknowledging emotional/psychological/other types of abuse is important. Somewhere beyond that, in healthy ways with people who are willing & able, 'love is still the answer'.

Love of self, friends, family. What this looks like is bound to improve through recovery. I trust in the process, life and good connections in life.

Jason Mraz - Love Is Still The Answer
https://youtu.be/Sc2BK09eKhk

hopeful4

I remember feeling that way, especially at church where everyone thought my XAH and I were a perfect little couple. I wanted to blurt out the truth!

You are right, it's absolutely actions, not words, that matter. As far as anyone who does not approve of your choice, I can only say that when you separate from someone, you find out who your true friends are. Stick with those and let the rest go. Family too.

Sending a hug.