Major trigger happening now. Need advice
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Major trigger happening now. Need advice
Hi guys
so im 23 days sober today. My mother has been staying with me down my home to support me as I have agoraphobia, severe anxiety , borderline personality disorder and so on...
my my mother is bipolar and she is having one of her angry episodes today and has packed up all her things to go home. You could cut the tension with a nice. She has been very abusive during childhood and is still abusive now when she is bipolar. But she has been helping me to go out and that.
i have also been separated from my partner for a month. So I am totally alone. Don’t have friends or other family members for emotional support.
i am so scared that I will fall off the wagon . This is THE worst trigger for me being alone and arguing with my mother. My mother is very mean verbally . This morning she called me a ****** and that I embarrass her. Which has hurt me again.
I do have a plan tomorrow to go to the flooring shop to pick out new flooring for my living room. It is going to be hard as I have agoraphobia and anxiety and usually rely on my mother for support. But I know I have to push myself to become a better person. I don’t want to tely on my mum as she is abusive.
i really don’t want to drink but I fear I might and my life is not worth living whilst I’m drinking. I have come so far these past 23 days, I passed one of my assignments and got a lot done .
any advice? Any. I just want to cry . I also have ocd and am constantly worrying about cleaning. But cleaning makes me anxious and panic so I plan to deep clean in may and just focus on being sober x
so im 23 days sober today. My mother has been staying with me down my home to support me as I have agoraphobia, severe anxiety , borderline personality disorder and so on...
my my mother is bipolar and she is having one of her angry episodes today and has packed up all her things to go home. You could cut the tension with a nice. She has been very abusive during childhood and is still abusive now when she is bipolar. But she has been helping me to go out and that.
i have also been separated from my partner for a month. So I am totally alone. Don’t have friends or other family members for emotional support.
i am so scared that I will fall off the wagon . This is THE worst trigger for me being alone and arguing with my mother. My mother is very mean verbally . This morning she called me a ****** and that I embarrass her. Which has hurt me again.
I do have a plan tomorrow to go to the flooring shop to pick out new flooring for my living room. It is going to be hard as I have agoraphobia and anxiety and usually rely on my mother for support. But I know I have to push myself to become a better person. I don’t want to tely on my mum as she is abusive.
i really don’t want to drink but I fear I might and my life is not worth living whilst I’m drinking. I have come so far these past 23 days, I passed one of my assignments and got a lot done .
any advice? Any. I just want to cry . I also have ocd and am constantly worrying about cleaning. But cleaning makes me anxious and panic so I plan to deep clean in may and just focus on being sober x
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: North Georgia Mountains
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I know it is tough but just know that drinking will not help one bit. Why ruin 23 days of sobriety.? If you are like me, once you start drinking again who knows when you will stop?. Why risk it? Please stay strong. It will get easier with more sober time.
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Originally Posted by RetiredGuy 
I know it is tough but just know that drinking will not help one bit. Why ruin 23 days of sobriety.? If you are like me, once you start drinking again who knows when you will stop?. Why risk it? Please stay strong. It will get easier with more sober time.
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23 days of sobriety is great, Holly!
I'm sorry that your mother is abusive towards you. I understand that you feel she helps you to manage your life, but it seems like she is doing more harm than good.
I hope that you are able to get out a little bit on your own. I'm sure it's very hard for you, but it seems that depending on your mother when you are vulnerable, is not in your best interest.
Stay strong and be proud of how far you've come.
I'm sorry that your mother is abusive towards you. I understand that you feel she helps you to manage your life, but it seems like she is doing more harm than good.
I hope that you are able to get out a little bit on your own. I'm sure it's very hard for you, but it seems that depending on your mother when you are vulnerable, is not in your best interest.
Stay strong and be proud of how far you've come.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
When I have felt that way in my sobriety journey, it’s been important for me to exercise, to re-focus on all the reasons I CHOOSE sobriety, to take time for self care, to GET ACTIVE in sobriety work.
i wish you peace and centering focus on your own needs and your own sobriety.
i wish you peace and centering focus on your own needs and your own sobriety.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by Anna
23 days of sobriety is great, Holly!
I'm sorry that your mother is abusive towards you. I understand that you feel she helps you to manage your life, but it seems like she is doing more harm than good.
I hope that you are able to get out a little bit on your own. I'm sure it's very hard for you, but it seems that depending on your mother when you are vulnerable, is not in your best interest.
Stay strong and be proud of how far you've come.
I'm sorry that your mother is abusive towards you. I understand that you feel she helps you to manage your life, but it seems like she is doing more harm than good.
I hope that you are able to get out a little bit on your own. I'm sure it's very hard for you, but it seems that depending on your mother when you are vulnerable, is not in your best interest.
Stay strong and be proud of how far you've come.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
When I have felt that way in my sobriety journey, it’s been important for me to exercise, to re-focus on all the reasons I CHOOSE sobriety, to take time for self care, to GET ACTIVE in sobriety work.
i wish you peace and centering focus on your own needs and your own sobriety.
i wish you peace and centering focus on your own needs and your own sobriety.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 120
I'm sorry, Holly. I can totally relate. My mother was living with my husband and I for two years (for the third time) because I thought things would be different, but in fact they became much worse. She is hard to please, negative, messy, talks down to me, talks badly about me to friends and is just difficult to be around. But I just craved having a normal mother/daughter relationship, so I kept putting up with it thinking each time would be different. Over the last two years that she had lived with us my drinking spiraled out of control. We asked he to move out again as she wasn't contributing like promised and just making a bigger mess, never cleaning etc. It was like I had another child. Our relationship was a very unhealthy codependent dance. As sad as it was or me, because I too suffer from terrible anxiety and agoraphobia at times, I had to set strong boundaries because it was literally taking the life out of me to deal with the relationship, not to mention making my anxiety worse. Now that is has been months since she moved, I'm finally addressing the progression of my drinking. I am in no way blaming her, but the living situation didn't make it easy for me to make a journey to sobriety and having her at arms length now is really helping me to explore who I am without being made to feel terrible about myself by her. We all want to the love and approval of our parents, and when we don't feel that or have that need met, it's pretty devastating. If the one person who is suppose to love me unconditionally does not, how can I love myself? I'm learning to love myself without the approval of anyone and it is very hard. You don't deserve to be verbally abused by anyone and if it's threatening your sobriety, you should put up some boundaries. Maybe tell her until you both see a therapist or have counseling that no contact would be better right now. I'll be thinking of you and post often! We are here for you!
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Originally Posted by Lucy79
I'm sorry, Holly. I can totally relate. My mother was living with my husband and I for two years (for the third time) because I thought things would be different, but in fact they became much worse. She is hard to please, negative, messy, talks down to me, talks badly about me to friends and is just difficult to be around. But I just craved having a normal mother/daughter relationship, so I kept putting up with it thinking each time would be different. Over the last two years that she had lived with us my drinking spiraled out of control. We asked he to move out again as she wasn't contributing like promised and just making a bigger mess, never cleaning etc. It was like I had another child. Our relationship was a very unhealthy codependent dance. As sad as it was or me, because I too suffer from terrible anxiety and agoraphobia at times, I had to set strong boundaries because it was literally taking the life out of me to deal with the relationship, not to mention making my anxiety worse. Now that is has been months since she moved, I'm finally addressing the progression of my drinking. I am in no way blaming her, but the living situation didn't make it easy for me to make a journey to sobriety and having her at arms length now is really helping me to explore who I am without being made to feel terrible about myself by her. We all want to the love and approval of our parents, and when we don't feel that or have that need met, it's pretty devastating. If the one person who is suppose to love me unconditionally does not, how can I love myself? I'm learning to love myself without the approval of anyone and it is very hard. You don't deserve to be verbally abused by anyone and if it's threatening your sobriety, you should put up some boundaries. Maybe tell her until you both see a therapist or have counseling that no contact would be better right now. I'll be thinking of you and post often! We are here for you!
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I'm sorry your moms illness leads here to treat you that way Hollydoll.
I suffered from agrophobia for a while (as we call it). I made myself go outside and get a little further each day - sounds like you're a little ahead of that if you can contemplate flooring shopping....
think of us as all being there with you - it may be difficult but I know you can do this - and I believe you can do it sober.
Drinking again will just keep you stuck - that's not what you want.
D
I suffered from agrophobia for a while (as we call it). I made myself go outside and get a little further each day - sounds like you're a little ahead of that if you can contemplate flooring shopping....
think of us as all being there with you - it may be difficult but I know you can do this - and I believe you can do it sober.
Drinking again will just keep you stuck - that's not what you want.
D
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Hollydoll
Thank you for taking time to read my post and reply. You have really made me feel that much better. It feels at times that I am alone with this situation. She has treated me like this for 22 years and I need to realize that she isn’t going to change unless I put my foot down stop this vicious circle. I love my mother to bits and we at times help each other with our understanding of our mental health. She is so critical of my cleaning even thou I have ocd and critical of my drinking and just so abusive . I was just starting to feel confident again and she has knocked me back down. I am going to seek support for my anxiety I have never been to a counseling but know it’s something I need. I’m rambling on but I think I know you understand how I feel atm. I am going to try my very best to keep with this sobriety and focus on the positives I do have like my studying and self care . Thank you x
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Originally Posted by Lucy79
You're so welcome. I know how tough it is, especially when I see friends with normal mother/daughter relationships. I'm here if you need someone to vent to or just chat! I know your Mom's illness plays a role in how she is, my mom definitely has some undiagnosed issues. I'm not saying you're Mom is Narcissistic, but a friend had pointed out to me that my Mother sounded like she could be. I visited some websites and read the book "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and it completely opened my eyes an blew my mind. It has really helped me with boundaries and understanding some of the things she does. Keep checking in and posting!
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm sorry your moms illness leads here to treat you that way Hollydoll.
I suffered from agrophobia for a while (as we call it). I made myself go outside and get a little further each day - sounds like you're a little ahead of that if you can contemplate flooring shopping....
think of us as all being there with you - it may be difficult but I know you can do this - and I believe you can do it sober.
Drinking again will just keep you stuck - that's not what you want.
D
I suffered from agrophobia for a while (as we call it). I made myself go outside and get a little further each day - sounds like you're a little ahead of that if you can contemplate flooring shopping....
think of us as all being there with you - it may be difficult but I know you can do this - and I believe you can do it sober.
Drinking again will just keep you stuck - that's not what you want.
D
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 547
Hi Holly
I have similar problems with my parents. My mothers not so bad but I had to go no contact with my Father at 2 months sober. We had a really bad argument on the phone and I very nearly drank again, it was coming on to SR and asking for help that got me through that episode.
When you get sober all those issues that you drank over will come up, I was in such a mess for a while but dealing with them one at a time sober, well you'll be surprised at the strength you find in yourself. Take 1 small step at a time, don't push yourself too hard in the early days and be kind to yourself, that's very important. All the negative stuff you get from your parents, don't believe it, I turned everything they told me inside myself, I really did think I was such a bad person. I drank to numb all those internal feelings so I wouldn't have to face them because I was so scared to do that, but I didn't break and you won't either.
I got a lot of help from checking out the adult children of addicted parents section on SR, if you suffered any trauma with family relationships growing up it is relevant.
I will be 2 years sober in August, like you I am without much support but I came on SR everyday and read, sometimes posted and joined the class of the month.
Lots of help here, don't be scared to reach out.
I have similar problems with my parents. My mothers not so bad but I had to go no contact with my Father at 2 months sober. We had a really bad argument on the phone and I very nearly drank again, it was coming on to SR and asking for help that got me through that episode.
When you get sober all those issues that you drank over will come up, I was in such a mess for a while but dealing with them one at a time sober, well you'll be surprised at the strength you find in yourself. Take 1 small step at a time, don't push yourself too hard in the early days and be kind to yourself, that's very important. All the negative stuff you get from your parents, don't believe it, I turned everything they told me inside myself, I really did think I was such a bad person. I drank to numb all those internal feelings so I wouldn't have to face them because I was so scared to do that, but I didn't break and you won't either.
I got a lot of help from checking out the adult children of addicted parents section on SR, if you suffered any trauma with family relationships growing up it is relevant.
I will be 2 years sober in August, like you I am without much support but I came on SR everyday and read, sometimes posted and joined the class of the month.
Lots of help here, don't be scared to reach out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by Culture
Hi Holly
I have similar problems with my parents. My mothers not so bad but I had to go no contact with my Father at 2 months sober. We had a really bad argument on the phone and I very nearly drank again, it was coming on to SR and asking for help that got me through that episode.
When you get sober all those issues that you drank over will come up, I was in such a mess for a while but dealing with them one at a time sober, well you'll be surprised at the strength you find in yourself. Take 1 small step at a time, don't push yourself too hard in the early days and be kind to yourself, that's very important. All the negative stuff you get from your parents, don't believe it, I turned everything they told me inside myself, I really did think I was such a bad person. I drank to numb all those internal feelings so I wouldn't have to face them because I was so scared to do that, but I didn't break and you won't either.
I got a lot of help from checking out the adult children of addicted parents section on SR, if you suffered any trauma with family relationships growing up it is relevant.
I will be 2 years sober in August, like you I am without much support but I came on SR everyday and read, sometimes posted and joined the class of the month.
Lots of help here, don't be scared to reach out.
I have similar problems with my parents. My mothers not so bad but I had to go no contact with my Father at 2 months sober. We had a really bad argument on the phone and I very nearly drank again, it was coming on to SR and asking for help that got me through that episode.
When you get sober all those issues that you drank over will come up, I was in such a mess for a while but dealing with them one at a time sober, well you'll be surprised at the strength you find in yourself. Take 1 small step at a time, don't push yourself too hard in the early days and be kind to yourself, that's very important. All the negative stuff you get from your parents, don't believe it, I turned everything they told me inside myself, I really did think I was such a bad person. I drank to numb all those internal feelings so I wouldn't have to face them because I was so scared to do that, but I didn't break and you won't either.
I got a lot of help from checking out the adult children of addicted parents section on SR, if you suffered any trauma with family relationships growing up it is relevant.
I will be 2 years sober in August, like you I am without much support but I came on SR everyday and read, sometimes posted and joined the class of the month.
Lots of help here, don't be scared to reach out.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
My parents were dreadful when I got sober.
They had been before and they were thereafter until they finally died.
My mother was an alcoholic who never wanted or tried to get sober.
Her alcoholism was a very divisive force in our family, especially with respect to my much younger brother and sister.
My dad was well-intended, but he was a hot-head who was maladapted to relationships with others.
His dad died young and he was sent off to military school.
They weren't particularly supportive of my sobriety.
They still drank heavily and got drunk around me after I got sober - not in my home, but in theirs.
I made the decision early on that I would do whatever it takes to get and stay sober, and a part of that was drastically limiting my contact with them.
To be quite honest, I had little in common with them.
They were not the kind of people I would dream of having for friends or even acquaintances.
I wish them the best in their deaths.
I hope they find the peace in the afterlife that they never knew how to achieve here on earth.
I hope that all of you who are similarly affected take proper measures to protect your sobriety and yourselves.
Good thread.
They had been before and they were thereafter until they finally died.
My mother was an alcoholic who never wanted or tried to get sober.
Her alcoholism was a very divisive force in our family, especially with respect to my much younger brother and sister.
My dad was well-intended, but he was a hot-head who was maladapted to relationships with others.
His dad died young and he was sent off to military school.
They weren't particularly supportive of my sobriety.
They still drank heavily and got drunk around me after I got sober - not in my home, but in theirs.
I made the decision early on that I would do whatever it takes to get and stay sober, and a part of that was drastically limiting my contact with them.
To be quite honest, I had little in common with them.
They were not the kind of people I would dream of having for friends or even acquaintances.
I wish them the best in their deaths.
I hope they find the peace in the afterlife that they never knew how to achieve here on earth.
I hope that all of you who are similarly affected take proper measures to protect your sobriety and yourselves.
Good thread.
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