Asking for help
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Asking for help
i am humbly asking for all your help, prayers, juju, insight etc. The crazy behavior continues,and am headed back to court on Thursday. I don’t know if I can keep going, I am exhausted and beaten down. I don’t understand what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this. Background - divorcing a covert narcissist alcoholic with dissassociative disorder (diagnosed by family therapist of 12 years) My attorney highly recommended is past the prime. She has messed things up badly, getting confused in testimony, losing documents etc. We have a ruling but not a decree, and the motion for reconsider is Thursday, I have had to hire a new attorney trying to anyway. I need your prayers that this gets extended past Thursday so the new attorney can get up to speed. The judge made several mistakes- because he has no experience in high asset divorce cases. I am so upset with myself, I made excuses for my attorney just like I did with my AH and I didn’t value my worth I just took it as the normal process. My oldest is struggling and making poor life decisions and my youngest is so very angry. She can’t quite comprehend that her father tells her what a good guy he is and then cuts her mother off health Insurance before a decree is even signed ( I have cancer) has tried to empty accounts, refuses to sign house agreement even though ordered to do so by the judge, . The judge reviewed none of our exhibits and they are quite damning. They were accepted into the court but he didn’t review them. I need this new attorney to get on board and protect me and my kids. I need the judge to reopen these issues- please send what you got
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Dunno if this will help you, but I have found that needing things to go a very specific way and prayers for my particular plans of action are a guaranteed road to even more turmoil. The codependent's substance of choice is always Control and one thing I know: we can never get enough to make us feel satisfied and secure. This is why the 12 steps are such a blessing and have offered a path to peace of mind for the millions of wise people who have chosen to work on them for their lifetimes. Step 11 is especially helpful when we find ourselves sitting with so very much NEED for specific outcomes and fear of what may happen if things do not go the way that we need them to.
Step 11:
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of this will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step 11:
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of this will for us and the power to carry that out.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
my experience from my recent divorce and it was a somewhat high asset case:
1) get the new lawyer and give them in writing things that are important and what you feel your last attorney messed up. Know that lawyers don't start looking into your file and getting stuff together one week before hearing because they deal with other cases and have dockets in court. Their paralegals do most of the leg work. So if you give them an outline in writing, they sort of have a framework and you have something to follow up with .
2) know your battles. Attorneys sometimes make it a personal ego battle because they want to win cases. List the 5 most important things you are seeking and prioritize them. Don't get sucked in your husbands game. They know how to play the system and they don't care about the law. He's in it to win no matter what the collateral damage is. But you have the sensibility to know what you want to target so you have to first know how to play the game with a narcissist. Narcissists have a predictable pattern of thinking and behaviors so you need to start thinking like one and sort of cover your bases accordingly otherwise it can become a free fall divorce very quickly and the attorneys will laugh their way to the bank.
3) if your husband is not signing something he judge ordered , he is in contempt of court. Set up a hearing and get him to sign the documents in front of the judge.
1) get the new lawyer and give them in writing things that are important and what you feel your last attorney messed up. Know that lawyers don't start looking into your file and getting stuff together one week before hearing because they deal with other cases and have dockets in court. Their paralegals do most of the leg work. So if you give them an outline in writing, they sort of have a framework and you have something to follow up with .
2) know your battles. Attorneys sometimes make it a personal ego battle because they want to win cases. List the 5 most important things you are seeking and prioritize them. Don't get sucked in your husbands game. They know how to play the system and they don't care about the law. He's in it to win no matter what the collateral damage is. But you have the sensibility to know what you want to target so you have to first know how to play the game with a narcissist. Narcissists have a predictable pattern of thinking and behaviors so you need to start thinking like one and sort of cover your bases accordingly otherwise it can become a free fall divorce very quickly and the attorneys will laugh their way to the bank.
3) if your husband is not signing something he judge ordered , he is in contempt of court. Set up a hearing and get him to sign the documents in front of the judge.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
4) your emotional health- this is the most important part. Nothing will matter in the end of you go down the roller coaster. Get yourself and your kids in therapy NOW. I was in therapy throughout my divorce and I went for divorce care classes. It kept me grounded and safe. I used to take my al anon literature with me and sit in court and read that while waiting for my hearing. I kid you not when I say that the serenity prayer kept me so so so calm that I could sometimes even smile no matter the turmoil. I presented my best self in front of the judge so much so that even my exs lawyer sometimes said or did things to favor me because he saw what the reality was and the pain .
5) trust the process. Do your due deligience with your lawyer. State out your expectations very clearly and let them do their work. Let them then come back and tell you what can or cannot be achieved . No one wins in the family court system . No one. There are more tears there than smiles and laughter for a reason. You have the power to control your emotions and actions and that will be your biggest weapon in a dramatic divorce . It is all a mental game in the end
6) detach from the divorce and focus on self care when you can. Do things with your children that you all enjoy. Do things that make you happy and help you keep in a place of peace.
You can contact me via dm if you want.
Love and hugs. Stay strong
5) trust the process. Do your due deligience with your lawyer. State out your expectations very clearly and let them do their work. Let them then come back and tell you what can or cannot be achieved . No one wins in the family court system . No one. There are more tears there than smiles and laughter for a reason. You have the power to control your emotions and actions and that will be your biggest weapon in a dramatic divorce . It is all a mental game in the end
6) detach from the divorce and focus on self care when you can. Do things with your children that you all enjoy. Do things that make you happy and help you keep in a place of peace.
You can contact me via dm if you want.
Love and hugs. Stay strong
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Dawn, I’m going to second what Raindrops said in her posts. I went 120 rounds with a narcissistic, abusive A. I have been down your rabbit hole and in December 2018, I wasn’t sure I was going to get back out of it. I was literally at the end of my rope and the week before he signed everything and got his sh*t out of the house, I nearly went the kind of bonkers that keeps people in a special room with padded walls. I had a slow bleed in my GI system from the constant burn of the acid I was putting out on top of that. I’m here, I made it. You will, too.
Getting a new attorney is a good start, and one with experience in high conflict/narcissistic partners helps. Prioritizing the issues is key so they know what to focus on. Have a good relationship with the paralegal who supports your attorney, too, because they can help you when the attorney is not available. Copy him/her on everything you send.
I used to read that, with a narcissist, it was best to cut your losses and walk away. No, you can win and get what you earned and deserve. It’s not easy, which you already know, but you can do it. He will play every slimy trick that there is, call you names, blame you for everything, and the lies will be outrageous, and you just keep your head high and let the attorney do the work. Even my ex’s attorney knew he was a lying slimeball. In the end, his attorney helped me get what I needed and deserved. He got him to sign the papers (and I truly have no idea how he did it) and wrapped everything up. At 1:30 pm on a deadline day, my ex was refusing to sign (and had been for weeks) and at 3:45 pm the same day, his attorney walked into the offices of my attorney with all the papers in hand and everyone applauded. It was that high conflict and that bad.
Take care of your physical and mental health. Get your attorney working on your health insurance because it’s important for you to have that to continue your self care. I used to ask myself what was worth $350 an hour and what wasn’t—your health insurance is worth it.
If I can help in any other way, please PM me. You can do this and you have a lot of people out here that know you will get through it.
Getting a new attorney is a good start, and one with experience in high conflict/narcissistic partners helps. Prioritizing the issues is key so they know what to focus on. Have a good relationship with the paralegal who supports your attorney, too, because they can help you when the attorney is not available. Copy him/her on everything you send.
I used to read that, with a narcissist, it was best to cut your losses and walk away. No, you can win and get what you earned and deserve. It’s not easy, which you already know, but you can do it. He will play every slimy trick that there is, call you names, blame you for everything, and the lies will be outrageous, and you just keep your head high and let the attorney do the work. Even my ex’s attorney knew he was a lying slimeball. In the end, his attorney helped me get what I needed and deserved. He got him to sign the papers (and I truly have no idea how he did it) and wrapped everything up. At 1:30 pm on a deadline day, my ex was refusing to sign (and had been for weeks) and at 3:45 pm the same day, his attorney walked into the offices of my attorney with all the papers in hand and everyone applauded. It was that high conflict and that bad.
Take care of your physical and mental health. Get your attorney working on your health insurance because it’s important for you to have that to continue your self care. I used to ask myself what was worth $350 an hour and what wasn’t—your health insurance is worth it.
If I can help in any other way, please PM me. You can do this and you have a lot of people out here that know you will get through it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
I really like RD's idea of giving a list to the lawyer/paralegal.
I'm so sorry your original lawyer has let you down.
Above all, I know you are overwhelmed and probably very busy but please remember to take care of yourself, take time for yourself.
HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, you will want to look at those things and even if you can just make dents in them, it's worth the effort.
As for kids, well perhaps reassurance and having them "separate" from this process as much as possible will help. Perhaps a family meeting with the 3 of you.
I would tell them what you have said:
- You are dealing with your health issues
- You made excuses for your attorney just like you did with your AH and you didn’t value your worth, but that is history.
- You are in charge of this and while they may see you struggle, this is your challenge and you are in control.
This takes the burden away from them (I'm assuming your children are not adults, sorry I can't remember their ages).
I'm thinking that if your new attorney is on their game that will be a huge burden off your shoulders.
I'm so sorry your original lawyer has let you down.
Above all, I know you are overwhelmed and probably very busy but please remember to take care of yourself, take time for yourself.
HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, you will want to look at those things and even if you can just make dents in them, it's worth the effort.
As for kids, well perhaps reassurance and having them "separate" from this process as much as possible will help. Perhaps a family meeting with the 3 of you.
I would tell them what you have said:
- You are dealing with your health issues
- You made excuses for your attorney just like you did with your AH and you didn’t value your worth, but that is history.
- You are in charge of this and while they may see you struggle, this is your challenge and you are in control.
This takes the burden away from them (I'm assuming your children are not adults, sorry I can't remember their ages).
I'm thinking that if your new attorney is on their game that will be a huge burden off your shoulders.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Thanks for all the replies - I was in therapy yesterday which prompted me to hire a new attorney. To spend the money so I won't second myself for the rest of my life 
Therapy is on the books for the rest of the year every 2 weeks- my kiddos who are legal adults btw also have their appointments scheduled. I did give him in writing what I felt was important last night when we met - he was very upfront (you won't get x,y,z in Texas but a,b,c is all still on the table and should have been handled, and then this new information which I received last night when I got home (which I will not write about just in case as AH likes to read these posts) may very well add to the long list of contempt of court. I am down 30 lbs since Jan 1, I am trying to take care of myself but I am absolutely exhausted still managing 2 properties, getting one property ready for sale, realtors, appraisers, CPA with divorce experience, financial planner, 2 children 1 w/ special needs, 3 dogs, 2 horses, 1 min donkey, spring break for kiddos, drill team. I am eating okay but sleeping not so good even though I am completely exhausted. I have wonderful people in my life who drop everything to help. People I haven't even known that long. In that area I am blessed. I try to always come back to "what am I supposed to be learning from this situation?" I just don't know anymore. I am asking for good prayers, not a specific outcome I just want to be given the chance to use the new attorney it may or may not affect the out coming but when its all said and done I will know it was my best shot and I deserve and my kids deserve my best shot. I have come to terms somewhat(still a work in progress) that I may never see AH be held accountable for the awful things he has done and continues to do, however I am one of those crazy optimist that believes if you walk with integrity and try and do the right thing regardless of how you are being treated that it will payoff in the long run. If that ends up not being true I just don't know if I can take it, I love positivity although my therapist refers to me as naive I actually like that trait I don't want this to kill it. Uuuuggghh
Therapy is on the books for the rest of the year every 2 weeks- my kiddos who are legal adults btw also have their appointments scheduled. I did give him in writing what I felt was important last night when we met - he was very upfront (you won't get x,y,z in Texas but a,b,c is all still on the table and should have been handled, and then this new information which I received last night when I got home (which I will not write about just in case as AH likes to read these posts) may very well add to the long list of contempt of court. I am down 30 lbs since Jan 1, I am trying to take care of myself but I am absolutely exhausted still managing 2 properties, getting one property ready for sale, realtors, appraisers, CPA with divorce experience, financial planner, 2 children 1 w/ special needs, 3 dogs, 2 horses, 1 min donkey, spring break for kiddos, drill team. I am eating okay but sleeping not so good even though I am completely exhausted. I have wonderful people in my life who drop everything to help. People I haven't even known that long. In that area I am blessed. I try to always come back to "what am I supposed to be learning from this situation?" I just don't know anymore. I am asking for good prayers, not a specific outcome I just want to be given the chance to use the new attorney it may or may not affect the out coming but when its all said and done I will know it was my best shot and I deserve and my kids deserve my best shot. I have come to terms somewhat(still a work in progress) that I may never see AH be held accountable for the awful things he has done and continues to do, however I am one of those crazy optimist that believes if you walk with integrity and try and do the right thing regardless of how you are being treated that it will payoff in the long run. If that ends up not being true I just don't know if I can take it, I love positivity although my therapist refers to me as naive I actually like that trait I don't want this to kill it. Uuuuggghh
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I try to live my life in the same way, although I have been catching myself getting negative more lately. Hmm....I need to work on that.
I think what I had to accept is that karma, or whatever you call it, may or may not catch up to my XAH. Either way, he has to live with what he has done. And deep inside, he knows, and he does not like himself at all. It's on his plate to deal with, not mine.
I am a single mom 100%. No assistance from XAH with anything, I do it all. It's hard. I get tired. I get frustrated. However, I know that I am doing a better job by myself that what the outcome would be if he were to be more involved. Every time he does get involved (think Christmas), it's a disaster and he does some awful thing to hurt my kids.
Deep breaths. Decide what steps you can take for that one day, and take them. No more, no less. I know for myself I had to learn to say NO to a lot of things. That is still a work in progress, but it has to be done. If not, I am a slave to everyone else and just become lost.
It's great that you are continuing with therapy. It's painful to dig deep, but it also gets things accomplished.
Just know you are absolutely not alone. I am praying for you, and I hear you, loud and clear. We are here, supporting you friend!
I think what I had to accept is that karma, or whatever you call it, may or may not catch up to my XAH. Either way, he has to live with what he has done. And deep inside, he knows, and he does not like himself at all. It's on his plate to deal with, not mine.
I am a single mom 100%. No assistance from XAH with anything, I do it all. It's hard. I get tired. I get frustrated. However, I know that I am doing a better job by myself that what the outcome would be if he were to be more involved. Every time he does get involved (think Christmas), it's a disaster and he does some awful thing to hurt my kids.
Deep breaths. Decide what steps you can take for that one day, and take them. No more, no less. I know for myself I had to learn to say NO to a lot of things. That is still a work in progress, but it has to be done. If not, I am a slave to everyone else and just become lost.
It's great that you are continuing with therapy. It's painful to dig deep, but it also gets things accomplished.
Just know you are absolutely not alone. I am praying for you, and I hear you, loud and clear. We are here, supporting you friend!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Another single mom here, with an alcoholic ex-husband who's mentally ill and thinks that litigation and aggression is a cool hobby. I agree with everything raindrops suggested.
I have a really good lawyer, and even with him I find that I have to be driving the process. I provide him with charts of every time my ex violates the court order, I write up "talking points" for him in court, I say explicitly what I want him to do (not just generally) and ask him if he has done it. It has been an education, but the results have been good. Lawyers don't always remember the important things, and as raindrops said there's a lot of ego going on when it comes to courtroom time - you have to be the one who keeps your eye on the big picture. (You probably know all of this already).
It will get better. And you will always be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you did what was right. No one can take that away. Your attitude of "what can I learn from this?" is familiar. One of my mantras was "my choice is either be miserable and nothing more, or be miserable and learn". That attitude can get you through some of the toughest parts.
You can message me too if you need support.
I have a really good lawyer, and even with him I find that I have to be driving the process. I provide him with charts of every time my ex violates the court order, I write up "talking points" for him in court, I say explicitly what I want him to do (not just generally) and ask him if he has done it. It has been an education, but the results have been good. Lawyers don't always remember the important things, and as raindrops said there's a lot of ego going on when it comes to courtroom time - you have to be the one who keeps your eye on the big picture. (You probably know all of this already).
It will get better. And you will always be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you did what was right. No one can take that away. Your attitude of "what can I learn from this?" is familiar. One of my mantras was "my choice is either be miserable and nothing more, or be miserable and learn". That attitude can get you through some of the toughest parts.
You can message me too if you need support.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Update
Prayers were answered!!!! My new attorney will be handling the split! Judge was very angry when he found out I had been removed from health insurance without a decree not even a draft! He ordered I be covered by the end of the day at AH cost and then made the comment he will think about who will be paying for my health insurance in the future. I have cancer and now no one will want to insure me. The judge made it clear that he messed up on numbers but his intent will remain to give me 62+ percent. Everything that came out of the judges mouth was for my benefit and that was with my old attorney and with an associate of my new attorney both there fighting for me. His eyes were opened. We go back April 11 hopefully getting close. Has anyone had this issue with insurance ? I need to start shopping to cover my butt before it all gets resolved.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by dawnrising 
Prayers were answered!!!! My new attorney will be handling the split! Judge was very angry when he found out I had been removed from health insurance without a decree not even a draft! He ordered I be covered by the end of the day at AH cost and then made the comment he will think about who will be paying for my health insurance in the future. I have cancer and now no one will want to insure me. The judge made it clear that he messed up on numbers but his intent will remain to give me 62+ percent. Everything that came out of the judges mouth was for my benefit and that was with my old attorney and with an associate of my new attorney both there fighting for me. His eyes were opened. We go back April 11 hopefully getting close. Has anyone had this issue with insurance ? I need to start shopping to cover my butt before it all gets resolved.
That is wonderful to hear!!!!!
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Dawnrising so glad the hearing went well and you are seeing a turnaround from your first post. We are the same age, and I really feel for you having to deal with this and cancer as well.
Sending you all my best wishes.
Sending you all my best wishes.
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