Rebuilding Social Interaction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 39
Rebuilding Social Interaction
Hey all,
Kind of in a good place. Quit drinking in July. Was a complete mess but a highly disfunctional minimal barely functional white collar employee. I’ll save the repeat of my background but I have gone through all of the major alcoholic symptoms but always fought to stay somewhat progressing in life,, barely.
But here I am. 28, good job, still trying to catch up to people who have been in my industry the same length of time. Right now I am looking to start a legit business with a couple of friends in my industry. I traded in my nights drinking alone to nights at Starbucks or relaxing. Life is way more manageable. My relationship with my parents and family is slowly getting back to a normal place. I’m sure it will never be what it could have been if I wasn’t as bad as I was.
I don’t go to AA or recovery program (I have been to over 500+ due to court, it’s not really my thing) I am fine with doing it this way, however, it is an extremely lonely journey. My weekends are either work on my business, going to different Starbucks around my area, cooking, basically being alone. I’m just kind of lonely. I really dislike AA’s in person recovery method and I use SR to fill my addiction talking voids (thank you all). However, I just don’t know what to do. I have some friends but I lost a lot more in the last decade of drinking. I think I’m a normal 28 year old guy who is very social but has this past. I sometimes drive to Starbucks in different towns because I feel so lonely at my house. I feel like I don’t know if I should start going to AAs just to meet people. Has this worked for anyone? I am in no mindset to drink. I just want to know what others may have done after deciding to quit to accelerate their social circle. I’m not trying to cling onto people, however, I’m just trying to rebuild the life I want to live. I feel that I dwell on a past I am sometimes caught off guard of how people did and still do view me. I get so depressed sitting in on Saturday nights flipping through Instagram, tinder and the TV 😂 honestly.
Kind of in a good place. Quit drinking in July. Was a complete mess but a highly disfunctional minimal barely functional white collar employee. I’ll save the repeat of my background but I have gone through all of the major alcoholic symptoms but always fought to stay somewhat progressing in life,, barely.
But here I am. 28, good job, still trying to catch up to people who have been in my industry the same length of time. Right now I am looking to start a legit business with a couple of friends in my industry. I traded in my nights drinking alone to nights at Starbucks or relaxing. Life is way more manageable. My relationship with my parents and family is slowly getting back to a normal place. I’m sure it will never be what it could have been if I wasn’t as bad as I was.
I don’t go to AA or recovery program (I have been to over 500+ due to court, it’s not really my thing) I am fine with doing it this way, however, it is an extremely lonely journey. My weekends are either work on my business, going to different Starbucks around my area, cooking, basically being alone. I’m just kind of lonely. I really dislike AA’s in person recovery method and I use SR to fill my addiction talking voids (thank you all). However, I just don’t know what to do. I have some friends but I lost a lot more in the last decade of drinking. I think I’m a normal 28 year old guy who is very social but has this past. I sometimes drive to Starbucks in different towns because I feel so lonely at my house. I feel like I don’t know if I should start going to AAs just to meet people. Has this worked for anyone? I am in no mindset to drink. I just want to know what others may have done after deciding to quit to accelerate their social circle. I’m not trying to cling onto people, however, I’m just trying to rebuild the life I want to live. I feel that I dwell on a past I am sometimes caught off guard of how people did and still do view me. I get so depressed sitting in on Saturday nights flipping through Instagram, tinder and the TV 😂 honestly.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,589
I'm glad to hear you're doing well!
What helped me a lot was getting involved in volunteer work. I met so many wonderful people and made some good friends. Maybe you could take a look around your community and see if there is somewhere that would suit you.
What helped me a lot was getting involved in volunteer work. I met so many wonderful people and made some good friends. Maybe you could take a look around your community and see if there is somewhere that would suit you.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Your only question in this post was, "I don’t know if I should start going to AAs just to meet people. Has this worked for anyone?"
Maybe, for people who use AA to get sober. But you said you dislike AA as a recovery method, so why do you think surrounding yourself with AA folks will help?
You say you are social, but claim to be lonely and seek to build social interaction. Seems a contradiction of sorts. If you are very social, you'd have interactions already. It is the inevitable outcome of very social people. My sister is one. She can make a friend waiting in line.
I'm thinking you very much want to be social, and you aren't. There could be different causes for that. Maybe you just aren't doing the right things to put you in contact with people. So, one solution could be for you to start being "social" and do stuff with other people. As Anna suggested, volunteer. Or take a class. Or find people who share the same interests as you. Or find new interests. And there are museums, cultural events, community events.
If the hurdle to your social interaction is shyness, or fear, well then, see a therapist.
Maybe, for people who use AA to get sober. But you said you dislike AA as a recovery method, so why do you think surrounding yourself with AA folks will help?
Originally Posted by RollMeAway 
I think I’m a normal 28 year old guy who is very social
I'm thinking you very much want to be social, and you aren't. There could be different causes for that. Maybe you just aren't doing the right things to put you in contact with people. So, one solution could be for you to start being "social" and do stuff with other people. As Anna suggested, volunteer. Or take a class. Or find people who share the same interests as you. Or find new interests. And there are museums, cultural events, community events.
If the hurdle to your social interaction is shyness, or fear, well then, see a therapist.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Your only question in this post was, "I don’t know if I should start going to AAs just to meet people. Has this worked for anyone?"
Maybe, for people who use AA to get sober. But you said you dislike AA as a recovery method, so why do you think surrounding yourself with AA folks will help?
You say you are social, but claim to be lonely and seek to build social interaction. Seems a contradiction of sorts. If you are very social, you'd have interactions already. It is the inevitable outcome of very social people. My sister is one. She can make a friend waiting in line.
I'm thinking you very much want to be social, and you aren't. There could be different causes for that. Maybe you just aren't doing the right things to put you in contact with people. So, one solution could be for you to start being "social" and do stuff with other people. As Anna suggested, volunteer. Or take a class. Or find people who share the same interests as you. Or find new interests. And there are museums, cultural events, community events.
If the hurdle to your social interaction is shyness, or fear, well then, see a therapist.
Maybe, for people who use AA to get sober. But you said you dislike AA as a recovery method, so why do you think surrounding yourself with AA folks will help?
You say you are social, but claim to be lonely and seek to build social interaction. Seems a contradiction of sorts. If you are very social, you'd have interactions already. It is the inevitable outcome of very social people. My sister is one. She can make a friend waiting in line.
I'm thinking you very much want to be social, and you aren't. There could be different causes for that. Maybe you just aren't doing the right things to put you in contact with people. So, one solution could be for you to start being "social" and do stuff with other people. As Anna suggested, volunteer. Or take a class. Or find people who share the same interests as you. Or find new interests. And there are museums, cultural events, community events.
If the hurdle to your social interaction is shyness, or fear, well then, see a therapist.
Anyway, RollMeAway, I am in the same situation you are. One year older than you are. It's not easy, but I've just forced myself into Crossfit and meetups (a lot of entrepreneurship by the way). By the way, Tinder is not the way to go if you are actually serious to get sober (In my opinion).
AA? Not for me. Volunteer? I should, I look forward to doing that (Probably, I haven't done it because I'm lazy).
Take some Language courses, group fitness classes or sports, public speaking classes (you need to pitch that idea to investors and VC's huh?).... Plus you get to meet probably the sort of people you want to.
Anyhow, hope it works for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I know how you feel. I have been single for 8 years and at 42, my friends are all married with kids, living in the suburbs. My alcoholism is to blame for destroying my relationships. I used online dating to fill the gap loneliness creates. Unfortunately, dating always meant drinking to me. I had to stop with Tinder. I can only hide my alcoholism for so long.
AA has been the best way to meet new people for me. Many of them are in the same situation and dealing with the aftermath of their alcoholism alone.
AA has been the best way to meet new people for me. Many of them are in the same situation and dealing with the aftermath of their alcoholism alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 39
doggonecarl, I see what you’re saying, I guess you’re kind of right in the fact that I “want to be social.” I’m just saying from 18-21, I was social, had a lot of friends, was in a relationship. 21-25 started to get out of control, slowly lost friends, relationship ended after 5 years. Continued being an alcoholic slowly pissing people off. Probation isolation and alcoholic isolation. Now I’m 28, no alcohol on my mind, looking back, just trying to figure out wtf just happen for those 10 years. Idk. Just an odd thing I’m sure all addicts/alcoholics kinda think about.
Thanks Hope , nice to hear it’s just a phase. Kind of feels good to think my life might be somewhat normalized enough to start doing other stuff.
Thanks Hope , nice to hear it’s just a phase. Kind of feels good to think my life might be somewhat normalized enough to start doing other stuff.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Important to remind yourself that we didn't get to where we ended up with booze overnight, so learning/ finding new things may take time. Also, I keep telling myself not to be surprised if the new things feel awkward at first - with maybe a bit of anxiety too.
It's important though to see that as part of the process.
Whatever, where ever you go to find the social interaction just keep showing up. Have fun exploring & experimenting. And remember - YOU are the social interaction.
Whatever the case - don't fall for the bullcrap of booze as social lubricant. I really believe that's a very over-stated myth that problem drinkers especially are hyper-susceptible to.... just like a lot of crap from the AV.
Explore, have fun with it, enjoy the newness, keep showing up.
Best-
B
It's important though to see that as part of the process.
Whatever, where ever you go to find the social interaction just keep showing up. Have fun exploring & experimenting. And remember - YOU are the social interaction.
Whatever the case - don't fall for the bullcrap of booze as social lubricant. I really believe that's a very over-stated myth that problem drinkers especially are hyper-susceptible to.... just like a lot of crap from the AV.
Explore, have fun with it, enjoy the newness, keep showing up.
Best-
B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 652
Hey RollMeAway!
I’ve found there’s a lot of cool camaraderie in CrossFit and fitness communities (and plenty who abstain from alcohol). Also in music (choral singing is awesome) or local theater if that’s your thing.
But let’s be real, making new friends in your 30s is f’n hard. I kind of lucked out and inherited a whole community of people through my wife’s church. They even embraced an old skeptic like me
.
But one thing I had to do was, well, do a lot of things that I found uncomfortable at first. I cut out my vices and coping mechanisms that were keeping me from engaging.
It took time. Being social outside of work is actually very much a muscle, and it needs to be flexed from time to time.
What kind of things are you interested in?
I’ve found there’s a lot of cool camaraderie in CrossFit and fitness communities (and plenty who abstain from alcohol). Also in music (choral singing is awesome) or local theater if that’s your thing.
But let’s be real, making new friends in your 30s is f’n hard. I kind of lucked out and inherited a whole community of people through my wife’s church. They even embraced an old skeptic like me
.But one thing I had to do was, well, do a lot of things that I found uncomfortable at first. I cut out my vices and coping mechanisms that were keeping me from engaging.
It took time. Being social outside of work is actually very much a muscle, and it needs to be flexed from time to time.
What kind of things are you interested in?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by RollMeAway
doggonecarl, I see what you’re saying, I guess you’re kind of right in the fact that I “want to be social.” I’m just saying from 18-21, I was social, had a lot of friends, was in a relationship. 21-25 started to get out of control, slowly lost friends, relationship ended after 5 years. Continued being an alcoholic slowly pissing people off. Probation isolation and alcoholic isolation. Now I’m 28, no alcohol on my mind, looking back, just trying to figure out wtf just happen for those 10 years. Idk. Just an odd thing I’m sure all addicts/alcoholics kinda think about.
Thanks Hope , nice to hear it’s just a phase. Kind of feels good to think my life might be somewhat normalized enough to start doing other stuff.
Thanks Hope , nice to hear it’s just a phase. Kind of feels good to think my life might be somewhat normalized enough to start doing other stuff.
I too started a business after sobering up but it was a couple years on when I did it, as I always say there is a transition period from the drunk life you built to the new sober one you now live.
I always say start with what you abandoned via booze and build from there, if even just to give you something to do at this point.
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