What do I need to change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
What do I need to change
I was so good for a month. I did the stereotypical New Years resolution, time to really be done, and that worked for a great month. I felt like myself again. Then my birthday rolled around last weekend. We all got hammered....because literally all my friends and family and everyone I have close to me...that’s what we do. I don’t think we know what to do with each other besides drink like fish. Since 7 days ago, my birthday, I’ve been back out of control. Yesterday (Friday) I drank at 11am at work, in an attempt to hair of the dog the night before. It continued all day yesterday, then my best friend was in town today staying at my house and I was drinking wine on and off while she was napping on and off. She unexpectedly had to drive home tonight to help her husband with something, so I unexpectedly had a free night to drink without sneaking around in my own house...and I don’t even want to. I got in bed and am posting this right now instead of opening more wine. I’m done, but I don’t know why I can’t stay done. I have THE best family and friends, I’m not alone, and I know I need to do this for them. The support network is not, and has never been, an issue so I guess that’s why I have a hard time wondering what my problem is. I guess i just get so caught up in the ‘party’ side of drinking, but then my alcoholic side that differs me from everyone else turns that into days upon days of ridiculousness. But it needs to stop. We were at the store this morning, and I was slowly dying as we waited in line to checkout. I was so jealous of everyone around me who i knew felt normal, who hadn’t drank since 11am yesterday, I knew and remembered that feeling and I missed it and I want it back.
My first step was, like I said, walking away from the wine and getting in bed. And writing this. Thank you for listening.
My first step was, like I said, walking away from the wine and getting in bed. And writing this. Thank you for listening.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Pour out any alcohol in the house, stay close to SR. Join the February 2019 class and check in every day. You say you have a lot of support, but do you really? Do they know you are an alcoholic wanting to quit drinking and live sober? If not, they should, and if they do know, why are they drinking and partying around you?
Are you using a recovery program? If so, you need to step it up. If not, you need to find one and use it. I don't think I am saying anything you don't already know, Rayna. You've been a member here long enough to know what you need to do. Now, you just need to do it.
Are you using a recovery program? If so, you need to step it up. If not, you need to find one and use it. I don't think I am saying anything you don't already know, Rayna. You've been a member here long enough to know what you need to do. Now, you just need to do it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Rayna, plenty of people can give up for a month or longer, but the key is seeing it through past the time when you're motivated, and into the hard yards. Have you really made a plan to get past that time? Like when you have a reunion or an old mate comes around?
I bet you always knew deep down you were going to drink on your birthday because when you gave up on NYD, it was already only a few weeks away. Had you thought, 'this is coming up, what plan should I have to get through it?' Or were you just leaving it to chance, hoping you would have the will power to see it through.
I bet if you'd told your friends you didn't want to drink this birthday they would have helped you out. There are day-time things you could do together which don't involve alcohol.
Now you're back on the wagon, why not plan well ahead on how you'll get through the next big drinking event in your life, or all the ones this year?
I bet you always knew deep down you were going to drink on your birthday because when you gave up on NYD, it was already only a few weeks away. Had you thought, 'this is coming up, what plan should I have to get through it?' Or were you just leaving it to chance, hoping you would have the will power to see it through.
I bet if you'd told your friends you didn't want to drink this birthday they would have helped you out. There are day-time things you could do together which don't involve alcohol.
Now you're back on the wagon, why not plan well ahead on how you'll get through the next big drinking event in your life, or all the ones this year?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi rayna... I have a question about what you wrote.
If your support network is not an issue, how come no one is wondering why you have gone back to drinking?
How honest are you being with yourself and everyone around you that you are done for good?
One of the things I had to do when I gave up drinking, which was really hard, was to tell the people closest to me - my mother, my sisters, and a couple of my really good friends - that I had a serious problem with alcohol and I was quitting. That kept me accountable. When I had a work cocktail party less than a month after quitting, I invited one of my good friends and she stayed by my side.
If I daresay, I believe one of your problems is your 'good time' family and friends. You either have to get them to understand you are staying sober no matter what or you have to distance yourself from their parties for a good long while.
I also had family and friends who all seemed to drink a lot, but when I took quitting seriously, I found that they were supportive of my sobriety, I didn't have to spend my time at their drinking events if I didn't want to, and actually, I was one of the worst alcoholics in my family - when I stopped, they all didn't drink as much as I thought they did.
If your support network is not an issue, how come no one is wondering why you have gone back to drinking?
How honest are you being with yourself and everyone around you that you are done for good?
One of the things I had to do when I gave up drinking, which was really hard, was to tell the people closest to me - my mother, my sisters, and a couple of my really good friends - that I had a serious problem with alcohol and I was quitting. That kept me accountable. When I had a work cocktail party less than a month after quitting, I invited one of my good friends and she stayed by my side.
If I daresay, I believe one of your problems is your 'good time' family and friends. You either have to get them to understand you are staying sober no matter what or you have to distance yourself from their parties for a good long while.
I also had family and friends who all seemed to drink a lot, but when I took quitting seriously, I found that they were supportive of my sobriety, I didn't have to spend my time at their drinking events if I didn't want to, and actually, I was one of the worst alcoholics in my family - when I stopped, they all didn't drink as much as I thought they did.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Originally Posted by rayna87 
I have THE best family and friends, I’m not alone, and I know I need to do this for them.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Rayna, you say you have great support from family and friends, but then you say We all got hammered....because literally all my friends and family and everyone I have close to me...that’s what we do. That is not great support at all. That's not what you need in your life if you want to recover. Maybe, it's time to rethink what's important to you in order to get your life back on track. I know early recovery is hard and often involves hard choices, but it's worth it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 754
I had to change almost everything. Friends, places I hung out, what music I listened to, my routine.......
I joined AA, got a sponsor, and made sober female friends. One day at a time and I now have 13 months. You can do it too!!!!!!!
I joined AA, got a sponsor, and made sober female friends. One day at a time and I now have 13 months. You can do it too!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
I totally commiserate with this post. It reminds me of how I used to drink in my twenties. I knew I needed to quit, I knew I couldn’t control it, things would happen time and time again to prove it to me, but I couldn’t quite get there. All my friends and family drank and partied, but as the years went on I kept getting worse. Sadly for me it took another 10 years of drinking and rock bottom to quit. And I wasn’t just out there having fun anymore, I had a family and almost lost them because of my choices. I wish I would have been able to quit all the years ago when I knew I needed too.
For me I was more desperate than I have ever been in my life. I started attending aa, and have basically had to change so much in my life. But I don’t feel like I am missing out anymore, I see that alcohol was taking away everything from me, but while drinking I could never see that. I needed the clarity of some months sober. It’s hard work, but my life is so much better, being involved with the community of aa and meeting others who I can relate to has been so important for me.
For me I was more desperate than I have ever been in my life. I started attending aa, and have basically had to change so much in my life. But I don’t feel like I am missing out anymore, I see that alcohol was taking away everything from me, but while drinking I could never see that. I needed the clarity of some months sober. It’s hard work, but my life is so much better, being involved with the community of aa and meeting others who I can relate to has been so important for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
First of all, thank you for the responses...I hear you and I appreciate you so much.
I just wanted to clarify the support network thing I mentioned. No one of my family or friends has the slightest clue of the low level I’m at. Anything they do know or have seen, all can be chalked up to “funny” “partying” stories that we’ll all “laugh” about at the next big birthday booze get-together. When I referenced my incredible support network, I meant family and friends who come from near and far to be there for me on my birthday, and it was just a general blanket statement that I’m lucky enough to not be lacking friends and family. If I were to introduce the alcohol problems to them, I’m confident none of them would go anywhere in the long run, but....I honestly don’t think I’d see anyone ever, because all. We. Do. Is go to bars.
Not saying that to be an excuse, but it’s the #1 biggest scariest thing for me of all of this. I’m irrationally insecure enough as it is. Which is a problem in and of itself. I just wanted to clarify that they do not know, so drinking around me is not their fault. It’s mine. And I know I have a lot of work to do.
I just wanted to clarify the support network thing I mentioned. No one of my family or friends has the slightest clue of the low level I’m at. Anything they do know or have seen, all can be chalked up to “funny” “partying” stories that we’ll all “laugh” about at the next big birthday booze get-together. When I referenced my incredible support network, I meant family and friends who come from near and far to be there for me on my birthday, and it was just a general blanket statement that I’m lucky enough to not be lacking friends and family. If I were to introduce the alcohol problems to them, I’m confident none of them would go anywhere in the long run, but....I honestly don’t think I’d see anyone ever, because all. We. Do. Is go to bars.
Not saying that to be an excuse, but it’s the #1 biggest scariest thing for me of all of this. I’m irrationally insecure enough as it is. Which is a problem in and of itself. I just wanted to clarify that they do not know, so drinking around me is not their fault. It’s mine. And I know I have a lot of work to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
rayna,
hanging with folks, no matter how much love there might be, who don’t know what to do with each other other than drink a lot is not support for sobriety. quite the opposite. it is support for continued drinking.
it feels good to be accepted and supported by others who are drinking and who we can “belong with” while doing so.
your desired sobriety will be better supported by sober folk who have been where you are, have found a way out and other things to do.
hanging with folks, no matter how much love there might be, who don’t know what to do with each other other than drink a lot is not support for sobriety. quite the opposite. it is support for continued drinking.
it feels good to be accepted and supported by others who are drinking and who we can “belong with” while doing so.
your desired sobriety will be better supported by sober folk who have been where you are, have found a way out and other things to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Rayna89 —
Sounds very familiar. In my 20s, when my closest friends and family and I would all get together for a weekend of heavy drinking/partying, I seemed to be the only one who would keep it going in private for days after. And around these folks, drinking was very central to our gathering.
Let me be clear, a lot of people engage with alcohol in unhealthy ways in their youth — but only an alcoholic continues the bender at home, in private, for days on end.
I want you to be honest with yourself, though — are you afraid of what people in this support network would think if you came clean about how deep and dark your alcoholism is? Are you afraid it would mean you might never be able to drink again? Or that it’ll change your friendships/relationships? Are you hoping this’ll eventually turn into moderate or “normal” drinking through sheer willpower or time?
Let me know if I’m projecting.
But that’s exactly the kind of things my addiction voice tried to tell me all the time in situations not unlike the one you’re describing.
I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself, and then brutally honest with the people closet to you who you’ll need to hold you accountable. And you’ll also — however painful it is — need to pull yourself from events where the sole event is drinking.
You can do it.
Sounds very familiar. In my 20s, when my closest friends and family and I would all get together for a weekend of heavy drinking/partying, I seemed to be the only one who would keep it going in private for days after. And around these folks, drinking was very central to our gathering.
Let me be clear, a lot of people engage with alcohol in unhealthy ways in their youth — but only an alcoholic continues the bender at home, in private, for days on end.
I want you to be honest with yourself, though — are you afraid of what people in this support network would think if you came clean about how deep and dark your alcoholism is? Are you afraid it would mean you might never be able to drink again? Or that it’ll change your friendships/relationships? Are you hoping this’ll eventually turn into moderate or “normal” drinking through sheer willpower or time?
Let me know if I’m projecting.
But that’s exactly the kind of things my addiction voice tried to tell me all the time in situations not unlike the one you’re describing.
I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself, and then brutally honest with the people closet to you who you’ll need to hold you accountable. And you’ll also — however painful it is — need to pull yourself from events where the sole event is drinking.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Originally Posted by rayna87
First of all, thank you for the responses...I hear you and I appreciate you so much.
I just wanted to clarify the support network thing I mentioned. No one of my family or friends has the slightest clue of the low level I’m at. Anything they do know or have seen, all can be chalked up to “funny” “partying” stories that we’ll all “laugh” about at the next big birthday booze get-together. When I referenced my incredible support network, I meant family and friends who come from near and far to be there for me on my birthday, and it was just a general blanket statement that I’m lucky enough to not be lacking friends and family. If I were to introduce the alcohol problems to them, I’m confident none of them would go anywhere in the long run, but....I honestly don’t think I’d see anyone ever, because all. We. Do. Is go to bars.
Not saying that to be an excuse, but it’s the #1 biggest scariest thing for me of all of this. I’m irrationally insecure enough as it is. Which is a problem in and of itself. I just wanted to clarify that they do not know, so drinking around me is not their fault. It’s mine. And I know I have a lot of work to do.
I just wanted to clarify the support network thing I mentioned. No one of my family or friends has the slightest clue of the low level I’m at. Anything they do know or have seen, all can be chalked up to “funny” “partying” stories that we’ll all “laugh” about at the next big birthday booze get-together. When I referenced my incredible support network, I meant family and friends who come from near and far to be there for me on my birthday, and it was just a general blanket statement that I’m lucky enough to not be lacking friends and family. If I were to introduce the alcohol problems to them, I’m confident none of them would go anywhere in the long run, but....I honestly don’t think I’d see anyone ever, because all. We. Do. Is go to bars.
Not saying that to be an excuse, but it’s the #1 biggest scariest thing for me of all of this. I’m irrationally insecure enough as it is. Which is a problem in and of itself. I just wanted to clarify that they do not know, so drinking around me is not their fault. It’s mine. And I know I have a lot of work to do.
It's OK. I get it about your 'support network' now.
It's good to be honest. Keep being honest. It will help you in the long run.
What I see is that this crowd - your family and friends from whom you crave acceptance - is the problem. That and your 'irrational insecurity'.
You said in your original post, you don't know what your problem is. Well, you just uncovered two.
Now you need to plan your sobriety around addressing these two problems.
I am sure of the 1000s of good people on this site, there will be some who have dealt with these problems. So go ahead and open up more about them and you may find some solutions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
One of the changes required in sobriety is who you associate with and where you go to socialise. Ultimately if you’re committed to sobriety you have to detach from anybody who enables drinking. It’s very tough but getting and staying sober isn’t easy. It is worth it though.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Rayna- I'm glad to see you came back into the thread after a couple days and checked the responses. Everyone said what I would echo - and frankly....what each one of us had to HEAR - and start ACTING ON to get and stay sober.
It's not about being "good" or "bad."
It has to be for YOU.
It has to matter more to you than any party, friend, birthday....ANYTHING.
We all have to learn how to live sober, not drunk. It takes commitment and time.
For me, IRL support is critical. My program is AA. I strongly suggest you engage in that or another person-to-person recovery system along with using SR.
It's not about being "good" or "bad."
It has to be for YOU.
It has to matter more to you than any party, friend, birthday....ANYTHING.
We all have to learn how to live sober, not drunk. It takes commitment and time.
For me, IRL support is critical. My program is AA. I strongly suggest you engage in that or another person-to-person recovery system along with using SR.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by rayna87
I honestly don’t think I’d see anyone ever, because all. We. Do. Is go to bars.
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