Terrified by two weeks ago relapse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Terrified by two weeks ago relapse.
Hey guys,
So it has been a couple of weeks that I had a terrible relapse (For those who followed the post).
I'll start acknowledging that I am much better physically and mentally. I have had the possibility of having a lovely Christmas with my family and loved ones.
Anyway, I've been cranky as ****. I'm a binge drinker, not an alcohol-dependent person. So naturally, I really don't have any cravings. Sometimes it sucks because it makes me forget SO EASILY.
I was so close to dying last time (literally), and every time I think back of that day it freaks me out. It also makes me feel very guilty and the most important thing, I start thinking why did I do what I did?
I want to be honest, at some point, I was conscious of what I was doing. What worries me the most is not the fact that I can relapse (I guess all of us can), but that every relapse for me is not like " Yeah ****, I'll start over), but more like, damn, next time might be really the time I die.
Anyway, I know that posting helps a lot!
Happy holidays guys.
So it has been a couple of weeks that I had a terrible relapse (For those who followed the post).
I'll start acknowledging that I am much better physically and mentally. I have had the possibility of having a lovely Christmas with my family and loved ones.
Anyway, I've been cranky as ****. I'm a binge drinker, not an alcohol-dependent person. So naturally, I really don't have any cravings. Sometimes it sucks because it makes me forget SO EASILY.
I was so close to dying last time (literally), and every time I think back of that day it freaks me out. It also makes me feel very guilty and the most important thing, I start thinking why did I do what I did?
I want to be honest, at some point, I was conscious of what I was doing. What worries me the most is not the fact that I can relapse (I guess all of us can), but that every relapse for me is not like " Yeah ****, I'll start over), but more like, damn, next time might be really the time I die.
Anyway, I know that posting helps a lot!
Happy holidays guys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Sorry about your relapse and binge.
In my early drinking I was the same way.
I found remembering the bad times, before I drank, helped a lot.
If you are , in fact, not dependent, you may well be in the future.
My binges got closer and closer together until I lost all control and I was drinking most of the time. It's progressive.
I hope you can stop the binges before it really is too late.
Best to you.
In my early drinking I was the same way.
I found remembering the bad times, before I drank, helped a lot.
If you are , in fact, not dependent, you may well be in the future.
My binges got closer and closer together until I lost all control and I was drinking most of the time. It's progressive.
I hope you can stop the binges before it really is too late.
Best to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I was terrified for well over 3 months or more by my near death experience. I'm glad I was.
Those initial months were instrumental in me deciding never to drink again - and in me making a recovery action plan to ensure that relapse will never happen.
Put in all the effort you can into making your plan never to drink again. Make changes - find support, use it...you can do this
D
Those initial months were instrumental in me deciding never to drink again - and in me making a recovery action plan to ensure that relapse will never happen.
Put in all the effort you can into making your plan never to drink again. Make changes - find support, use it...you can do this
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Hope1989 
Anyway, I've been cranky as ****. I'm a binge drinker, not an alcohol-dependent person. So naturally, I really don't have any cravings. Sometimes it sucks because it makes me forget SO EASILY.
I want to be honest, at some point, I was conscious of what I was doing. What worries me the most is not the fact that I can relapse (I guess all of us can), but that every relapse for me is not like " Yeah ****, I'll start over), but more like, damn, next time might be really the time I die.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
I dont know your story, but I wonder how a binge drinker was close to dying? Do you binge so often that you had DT’s after stopping or did you have alcohol poisoning? If you don’t have cravings, why did you drink to the extent of almost dying? .
I started out a binge drinker....I think that binge drinkers eventually begin to drink more and more. This was the case for me, and that’s when I decided to quit. Anyway, I’m not sure that it’s necessary to differentiate what kind of drinking problem you have. Best to make a plan for continued sobriety.
Wishing you strength and resolve
Bonnie
I started out a binge drinker....I think that binge drinkers eventually begin to drink more and more. This was the case for me, and that’s when I decided to quit. Anyway, I’m not sure that it’s necessary to differentiate what kind of drinking problem you have. Best to make a plan for continued sobriety.
Wishing you strength and resolve
Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I had a brush with death 2 years ago. Ended up in the ER with hypothermia. I am traumatized by it and have a degree of PTSD. Constant nightmares and flasbacks, anxiety attacks. I just told some friends about the incident this Christmas because I kept it secret and it is eating me up inside. . i get suicidal ideations because i can't get it out of my mind sometimes, usually late at night.
I really need to sober iup.
I really need to sober iup.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hope,
Those 2 weeks clean were just the beginning of the hell on earth for me...a binger.
I had a misconception that as long as I didn't drink everyday...I was is good shape.
At 90 days clean I thought I was going insane. If I went to the hospital and told them that, I would have been admitted and given meds to...help me.
That would have been my official step into medically diagnosed alcoholism. Instead, I suffered at home eating sweets and working out, reading and learning about what drugs...alcohol....does to my mind and body.
The pain I went through is scared into my mind. I use it to stay clean. Eventually, booze was going to take me down to a hell on earth I couldn't escape.
Sr saved my life. If I kept messing around with booze I was doomed.
Thanks.
Those 2 weeks clean were just the beginning of the hell on earth for me...a binger.
I had a misconception that as long as I didn't drink everyday...I was is good shape.
At 90 days clean I thought I was going insane. If I went to the hospital and told them that, I would have been admitted and given meds to...help me.
That would have been my official step into medically diagnosed alcoholism. Instead, I suffered at home eating sweets and working out, reading and learning about what drugs...alcohol....does to my mind and body.
The pain I went through is scared into my mind. I use it to stay clean. Eventually, booze was going to take me down to a hell on earth I couldn't escape.
Sr saved my life. If I kept messing around with booze I was doomed.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
My binges got closer and closer until they didn't stop and lasted for days. I remember the last big binge. I also remember the last time I drank vividly. It was very intentional. I didn't care about anything. Anything at all. I didn't care whether I lived or died. I remember that, because I never want to be there again.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
My binges got worse and more frequent.
At times it was a weekly pattern. Get loaded on Thursday, manage through Friday at work, get raging drunk all weekend, try to sober up early on Sunday (and usually fail), either miss Monday or, more usually, physically be there but be useless. Start to feel better on Tuesday, and by Wednesday morning feeling pretty OK.
Then Thursday again...
Are these binges at this point or a lopsided drunk?
It eventually lead to constant drinking, then medical detox and rehab, where I got off the crazy train.
At times it was a weekly pattern. Get loaded on Thursday, manage through Friday at work, get raging drunk all weekend, try to sober up early on Sunday (and usually fail), either miss Monday or, more usually, physically be there but be useless. Start to feel better on Tuesday, and by Wednesday morning feeling pretty OK.
Then Thursday again...
Are these binges at this point or a lopsided drunk?
It eventually lead to constant drinking, then medical detox and rehab, where I got off the crazy train.
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Hope I resonate with this also a binge drinker but I am very much an alcoholic as for me I no longer wanted to binge but when the cravings came I would cave.. they cycle is cruel drink feel terrible start feeling better the do it again. Some binges had awful consequences. I am very much psychologically addicted to getting drunk and if I don’t stop like other said it will destroy everything whether I drink every day or not. Binging vast amounts of alcohol is dangerous and I consider it to be a huge problem for me. I have a plan now so that next time I do not take that first drink and risk my life again for a binge. Once I have it in my system I won’t stop till I’m done usually bed time but the reality is one day I might not wake up or wake up in hell because something horrendous has happened. Wishinng you healing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
I appreciate what everyone says, thank you for replying.
Unfortunately, I do not have the answers to a lot of questions I've seen around.
"This makes me curious, can you please elaborate on this? If you're not physically addicted to alcohol and you don't have any cravings then why do you binge drink?" - I honestly do not know. I guess we should also get the extent of the definition of "cravings". I mean, I just do not get a crazy desire to go and get a beer or wine or vodka or anything like that.
" dont know your story, but I wonder how a binge drinker was close to dying? Do you binge so often that you had DT’s after stopping or did you have alcohol poisoning? If you don’t have cravings, why did you drink to the extent of almost dying? " - It's a horrible thing to answer but it's not about the DT's. I drink so much, however, that it makes me do stupid stuff like also binge in other substances that take me close to OD.
"My binges got worse and more frequent.
At times it was a weekly pattern. Get loaded on Thursday, manage through Friday at work, get raging drunk all weekend, try to sober up early on Sunday (and usually fail), either miss Monday or, more usually, physically be there but be useless. Start to feel better on Tuesday, and by Wednesday morning feeling pretty OK.
Then Thursday again...
Are these binges at this point or a lopsided drunk?" - My problem is more with quantity rather than frequency. I don't do it even every week. Maybe once a month or so.
Sorry if I left someone out of replying, but I am deeply grateful for everyone's comments and support.
Unfortunately, I do not have the answers to a lot of questions I've seen around.
"This makes me curious, can you please elaborate on this? If you're not physically addicted to alcohol and you don't have any cravings then why do you binge drink?" - I honestly do not know. I guess we should also get the extent of the definition of "cravings". I mean, I just do not get a crazy desire to go and get a beer or wine or vodka or anything like that.
" dont know your story, but I wonder how a binge drinker was close to dying? Do you binge so often that you had DT’s after stopping or did you have alcohol poisoning? If you don’t have cravings, why did you drink to the extent of almost dying? " - It's a horrible thing to answer but it's not about the DT's. I drink so much, however, that it makes me do stupid stuff like also binge in other substances that take me close to OD.
"My binges got worse and more frequent.
At times it was a weekly pattern. Get loaded on Thursday, manage through Friday at work, get raging drunk all weekend, try to sober up early on Sunday (and usually fail), either miss Monday or, more usually, physically be there but be useless. Start to feel better on Tuesday, and by Wednesday morning feeling pretty OK.
Then Thursday again...
Are these binges at this point or a lopsided drunk?" - My problem is more with quantity rather than frequency. I don't do it even every week. Maybe once a month or so.
Sorry if I left someone out of replying, but I am deeply grateful for everyone's comments and support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by Hope1989
I'm a binge drinker, not an alcohol-dependent person.
I joined these boards because I was in a cycle of binging every weekend or fortnight. I couldn't understand how I could sometimes have a quiet drink with someone (just a glass of wine with dinner with NO desire for more) but on most weekends I'd get hammered with friends on a Friday and still be drinking through Saturday and Sunday. I must point out that this progressed over the years. Years ago it was just Friday and it was maybe once a month. Saturday krept in and eventually so did Sunday. Also it went from monthly to every fortnight to every weekend.
I may have given up alcohol before I had any daily physical dependence on it, but I know full well that if I continued those binges, eventually I would have full dependence. I was simply at an earlier stage of alcoholism when I decided to quit.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'm glad you are sharing. I just want to add that IMO, IME and of those I hear many share....it doesn't matter what kind of drinker - what kind of alcoholic we call ourselves. Ultimately, we have to stop, or we die.
Do you want to stop completely? That's the bottom line choice. Fear of dying or even of less serious consequences can prod us to quit, and might even help somewhat as we get started....I don't believe fear can sustain us, and I do believe it can become very counterproductive to seeing what can become a great sober life.
I hope you keep sharing, and seek IRL help to stop drinking for good. I can promise you it only gets worse, no matter what pattern or "type" we call ourselves.
Do you want to stop completely? That's the bottom line choice. Fear of dying or even of less serious consequences can prod us to quit, and might even help somewhat as we get started....I don't believe fear can sustain us, and I do believe it can become very counterproductive to seeing what can become a great sober life.
I hope you keep sharing, and seek IRL help to stop drinking for good. I can promise you it only gets worse, no matter what pattern or "type" we call ourselves.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
If you're drinking has taken you to hospital and nearly dying, if your drinking contributed to you being robbed that other time, if it leaves you with crippling anxiety nightmares and agoraphobia, and outside of those times you have a long history of drinking and feeling remorse after, I think you might be a little more dependent than you realise Hope.
Maybe its a mental dependency, maybe not - but people with a normal relationship with alcohol with even just a smattering of the things that have happened to you would have walked away from it a long time before now
I'm not saying that to be mean - but if giving yourself permission to drink again is predicated on the idea that you are not addicted, or 'just' a binge drinker, I think you need to fact check that a little more, I really do....
Bad things happen when you drink.
The solution is to stop drinking. Completely.
If you can't do that on your own, you need help.
D
Maybe its a mental dependency, maybe not - but people with a normal relationship with alcohol with even just a smattering of the things that have happened to you would have walked away from it a long time before now
I'm not saying that to be mean - but if giving yourself permission to drink again is predicated on the idea that you are not addicted, or 'just' a binge drinker, I think you need to fact check that a little more, I really do....
Bad things happen when you drink.
The solution is to stop drinking. Completely.
If you can't do that on your own, you need help.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
I did die.
If it was not burning it would have been falling down stairs and breaking my neck or being hit by a bus- my drinking was out of control.
I am one of the unfortunates who had to lose everything- a rock bottom so low, which I survived- to stop, because I know the consequences. This includes NDE's, flashback etcetcetc.
If you are uncertain of what you are feeling or why, perhaps (like me) going to meetings, talking to a professional can help.
Support to you.
If it was not burning it would have been falling down stairs and breaking my neck or being hit by a bus- my drinking was out of control.
I am one of the unfortunates who had to lose everything- a rock bottom so low, which I survived- to stop, because I know the consequences. This includes NDE's, flashback etcetcetc.
If you are uncertain of what you are feeling or why, perhaps (like me) going to meetings, talking to a professional can help.
Support to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by Dee74
If you're drinking has taken you to hospital and nearly dying, if your drinking contributed to you being robbed that other time, if it leaves you with crippling anxiety nightmares and agoraphobia, and outside of those times you have a long history of drinking and feeling remorse after, I think you might be a little more dependent than you realise Hope.
Maybe its a mental dependency, maybe not - but people with a normal relationship with alcohol with even just a smattering of the things that have happened to you would have walked away from it a long time before now
I'm not saying that to be mean - but if giving yourself permission to drink again is predicated on the idea that you are not addicted, or 'just' a binge drinker, I think you need to fact check that a little more, I really do....
Bad things happen when you drink.
The solution is to stop drinking. Completely.
If you can't do that on your own, you need help.
D
Maybe its a mental dependency, maybe not - but people with a normal relationship with alcohol with even just a smattering of the things that have happened to you would have walked away from it a long time before now
I'm not saying that to be mean - but if giving yourself permission to drink again is predicated on the idea that you are not addicted, or 'just' a binge drinker, I think you need to fact check that a little more, I really do....
Bad things happen when you drink.
The solution is to stop drinking. Completely.
If you can't do that on your own, you need help.
D
To be honest, I know you're right. It's just such a rough time! And people inviting me out, and I'm afraid of intimacy without alcohol. I'm just all over the place
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Hope1989
To be honest, I know you're right. It's just such a rough time! And people inviting me out, and I'm afraid of intimacy without alcohol. I'm just all over the place
You are right - it's rough. And the initial stages of quitting won't be pleasant either, but they are short in relation to the benefits you will receive. And it is very much a learning experience - learning to face things head-on vs trying to mask or run away from the by drinking.
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