Self forgiveness
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Eve, for me, this was so hard. And, for me, it didn't happen all at once. I forgave myself bit by bit and it took time. I found that journaling helped me a lot. I was quite stuck in the shame/guilt. So, I decided to write every time those feelings crossed my mind. It seemed to help me let go of the negative stuff.
It's really important that you do forgive yourself. It doesn't mean you forget what happened, but it means you put down the burden of guilt and free yourself to move forward.
It's really important that you do forgive yourself. It doesn't mean you forget what happened, but it means you put down the burden of guilt and free yourself to move forward.
Sick n tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Thabks anna I have flashbacks of things iv done on said and it’s hard as hell to deal with especially when iv remained sober. Tried the steps but didn’t lift might need to think about it again. Just can’t brlieve how I had no self respect or respect for them either and I made sad bad life choices. Thank you feel awful today really low
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Excellent question.
One I pondered for years.
There was no easy way. I made up my mind to make amends to the people I had hurt with my drinking.
Sometimes directly, sometimes covertly by changing my behavior.
It's been ten years and I still can't completely forgive myself for some of the things I did, not just to others, but to myself as well.
It's tough. But a little humility and apologetic behavior go a long way.
One I pondered for years.
There was no easy way. I made up my mind to make amends to the people I had hurt with my drinking.
Sometimes directly, sometimes covertly by changing my behavior.
It's been ten years and I still can't completely forgive myself for some of the things I did, not just to others, but to myself as well.
It's tough. But a little humility and apologetic behavior go a long way.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
For me at least, the best way to get over the things I've done were to not do them anymore. A lot of the things I've done are probably unforgivable...but it's really kind of irrelevant now as none of it can ever the changed.
Having said that, I made a absolute commitment to myself to quit drinking alcohol. I made it the #1 priority in my life above and beyond anything else - because I realized it was pretty much destroying me and everything around me. Once I did that, my actions over the following days, weeks, months and then years proved to other people that I could be trusted once again. Nothing I could have said - apologies or gratitudes - would have done anything nearly as powerful as the actions I took to quite drink alcohol. It also allowed to begin working on other areas of my life that I was not addressing - mental health, physical health, relationships, etc. Bottom line, quitting alcohol was the key to pretty much everything that is now good in my life.
I am coming up on 6 years sober and I can't say that I've gained back 100% of the trust on those who know me well, but I've gained a lot of it back. There are some things my wife will likely never forgive me for, and she shouldn't. But she does trust me and for that am forever grateful.
Having said that, I made a absolute commitment to myself to quit drinking alcohol. I made it the #1 priority in my life above and beyond anything else - because I realized it was pretty much destroying me and everything around me. Once I did that, my actions over the following days, weeks, months and then years proved to other people that I could be trusted once again. Nothing I could have said - apologies or gratitudes - would have done anything nearly as powerful as the actions I took to quite drink alcohol. It also allowed to begin working on other areas of my life that I was not addressing - mental health, physical health, relationships, etc. Bottom line, quitting alcohol was the key to pretty much everything that is now good in my life.
I am coming up on 6 years sober and I can't say that I've gained back 100% of the trust on those who know me well, but I've gained a lot of it back. There are some things my wife will likely never forgive me for, and she shouldn't. But she does trust me and for that am forever grateful.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Actions speak louder than words. Best way I've found to forgive myself and to earn back the respect of those I disapppointed and hurt is to stay sober. Sobriety enables me to Iive a life without judgement and to try to help as many people as I can. I'll never be perfect and as a work in progress I'll always be learning from mistakes. But I can look other people in the eye now and I can honestly say that I like myself again. Continued sobriety is definitely the kindest thing I have ever done for myself. It's the best gift ever xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
For me, the best way to apologize was to change my behavior. To apologize to others and to myself. I can't change anything I've already done, but I can learn from it and never do those things again. I struggled with this. In treatment I told my minister that you are defined by your actions. Her response floored me. She said, "So I'm still a crack *****, then?" Which evidently she had been in her youth and terribly addicted to drugs. Obviously she was not still that. I pray, I ask for forgiveness, and I work to try and do the next right thing. As my spiritual condition has improved I've found that while I am still shamed by many of the things I have done, I don't have to be defined by them. They are an unpleasant part of my story, but also play a large part in the motivation behind the person I try to be today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by eve123 
How do you forgive yourself for all the things you done and all the falling out with people just feel like such a horrible person can’t shake this want to forgive me but I can’t
A good therapist and getting brutally honest can be a vital tool in your arsenal.
Journaling, meditation and spending time in self-care can be a real asset.
Exercise and getting enough sleep and focusing on gratitude are invaluable as well.
And don't overlook the power of looking yourself right in the mirror and saying "I love you. I forgive you". Might sound corny, but it really does bring you a sense of relief.
Then, the most important pieces of the puzzle; Time and Patience.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I don't believe that I will ever have a clean slate to start from, the past is non-erasable. When we are deeply harmed we form scars, and mine will ever remind me, and for those I have harmed, they will bear theirs, too, as reminders of me. That is how things just are for me, and I have to accept it.
When I am faced with my past I have the option of letting it destroy my present state of mind or not. I can easily fall into deep states of thought that put tremendous pressure upon me, even small things can lead to it. I have learned to acknowledge the dark but to set it aside from my mind. I am incapable now of addressing it without risking the harm of drinking once more. Perhaps, one day, I will come to full terms with my injurious outcomes, but today I know that I am vulnerable.
Some might consider this evasion, but I am self-aware of what I am doing and why. My concern today and tomorrow is not to drink, and the good outcomes that follow that premise lead me to better feelings. I have chosen to protect my sanity by that focus. My first step to being a better, forgivable person is to live differently, and I have identified what, for now, I must do above all else.
When I am faced with my past I have the option of letting it destroy my present state of mind or not. I can easily fall into deep states of thought that put tremendous pressure upon me, even small things can lead to it. I have learned to acknowledge the dark but to set it aside from my mind. I am incapable now of addressing it without risking the harm of drinking once more. Perhaps, one day, I will come to full terms with my injurious outcomes, but today I know that I am vulnerable.
Some might consider this evasion, but I am self-aware of what I am doing and why. My concern today and tomorrow is not to drink, and the good outcomes that follow that premise lead me to better feelings. I have chosen to protect my sanity by that focus. My first step to being a better, forgivable person is to live differently, and I have identified what, for now, I must do above all else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,976
I echo everything FreeOwl said.
Someone here has a quote in their signature: You are better than the worst thing you’ve ever done”. I love that one. I’ve certainly done some bad things while drunk. I’ve driven while drunk. I’ve been horrible to other people, including my own family. There are at least two times I could have died drinking. One of them was driving. I could have killed another person. It is scary when I think about it. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I had countless relapses. Even though I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, and in fact I want to remember because it’s a reminder why I stay sober.
Alcoholics are not bad people. But alcohol can cause us to do bad things. There is beauty inside all of us, including you.
Hugs
Someone here has a quote in their signature: You are better than the worst thing you’ve ever done”. I love that one. I’ve certainly done some bad things while drunk. I’ve driven while drunk. I’ve been horrible to other people, including my own family. There are at least two times I could have died drinking. One of them was driving. I could have killed another person. It is scary when I think about it. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I had countless relapses. Even though I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, and in fact I want to remember because it’s a reminder why I stay sober.
Alcoholics are not bad people. But alcohol can cause us to do bad things. There is beauty inside all of us, including you.
Hugs
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I practiced by forgiving other people for some of the horrible things they've done to me. It was easier to forgive others than myself. I worked on understanding why they may have acted that way and realized it wasn't about me but them acting out their own pain. People make mistakes, it's part of being human. When I got better at extending compassion I started to use that compassion on myself. I'm no better than anyone else so I don't hold myself to a higher standard anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
I do not know if I ever will
BUT- it starts with acceptance I cannot go back. I also accept accountability and responsibility for my actions. Yes- I was very unwell for a long time, but I did bad stuff.
To accept this paradox is essential to understand, then work on acceptance. After acceptance there is letting go- and with that, maybe self forgiveness.
Support to you.
BUT- it starts with acceptance I cannot go back. I also accept accountability and responsibility for my actions. Yes- I was very unwell for a long time, but I did bad stuff.
To accept this paradox is essential to understand, then work on acceptance. After acceptance there is letting go- and with that, maybe self forgiveness.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Hi eve
This is my biggest hurdle, I suffered really badly during the first months of my sobriety with feelings of regret or guilt about things that I had done. You have to try and work through it and forgive yourself because it's a huge burden that you don't need to be carrying around everyday. If you find that you can't forgive yourself just try to realize that you can't change the past and move past it. I tortured myself at first but the more I rationalized things the more I was slowly able to move on.
Best of luck.
This is my biggest hurdle, I suffered really badly during the first months of my sobriety with feelings of regret or guilt about things that I had done. You have to try and work through it and forgive yourself because it's a huge burden that you don't need to be carrying around everyday. If you find that you can't forgive yourself just try to realize that you can't change the past and move past it. I tortured myself at first but the more I rationalized things the more I was slowly able to move on.
Best of luck.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
So many great responses already! I hope you read them all and take them in, Eve.
For me it came down to a few things:
1. My behavior was horrible, but I am not.
2. Beating myself for my past mistakes makes it more likely I will repeat them, not less likely (my addiction benefits from my intolerance of myself)
3. There is a way to use my past mistakes to make me a better person than I have ever been - a concept I find very exciting.
4. I can go to war with my past as often as I want to. I will only lose 100% of the time.
5. Treat that person in the mirror like a friend. Friends can be forgiven.
It's hard. If it was easy this affliction wouldn't take so many of us down every year. But that's OK. We can do hard things.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
For me it came down to a few things:
1. My behavior was horrible, but I am not.
2. Beating myself for my past mistakes makes it more likely I will repeat them, not less likely (my addiction benefits from my intolerance of myself)
3. There is a way to use my past mistakes to make me a better person than I have ever been - a concept I find very exciting.
4. I can go to war with my past as often as I want to. I will only lose 100% of the time.
5. Treat that person in the mirror like a friend. Friends can be forgiven.
It's hard. If it was easy this affliction wouldn't take so many of us down every year. But that's OK. We can do hard things.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 67
Hi Eve, I too have felt so much shame in my years of drinking but continuing to drink only intensified those feelings of shame and sometimes made me want to hurt myself. I had to stop drinking period before I could deal with those feelings and move past them. That was hard but eventually I was able to say I’m human, I made mistakes, I drank too much, hurt myself and others in the process but now everyday I’m choosing not to drink and to be my true self. The person we become when we drink is not our true self. I put that person in my past now and each day she’s becoming more of a memory.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
I've struggled, too. I've said and done terrible things when drunk. A side of me came out that I've never seen when I'm sober.
Like others have said, changing behavior is the first step. Get sober and you'll start showing others that you've changed. I've learned to let go and forgive others. I've done my best to make amends and not to repeat past mistakes. It takes time.
I've never forgotten what I've done in the past. I use it as motivation to try to be a better person. But the cringing shame and self-hatred is gone.
It does start with staying sober, one day at a time at first. Trust us that if you make the effort, it will get better. You have no control over whether other people will forgive you or not, but you stand a better chance if you show them that you've changed. That old adage, actions speak louder than words is definitely true.
I hope you'll take all of these posts to heart. The fact that you care so much shows that you have it in you to change.
Like others have said, changing behavior is the first step. Get sober and you'll start showing others that you've changed. I've learned to let go and forgive others. I've done my best to make amends and not to repeat past mistakes. It takes time.
I've never forgotten what I've done in the past. I use it as motivation to try to be a better person. But the cringing shame and self-hatred is gone.
It does start with staying sober, one day at a time at first. Trust us that if you make the effort, it will get better. You have no control over whether other people will forgive you or not, but you stand a better chance if you show them that you've changed. That old adage, actions speak louder than words is definitely true.
I hope you'll take all of these posts to heart. The fact that you care so much shows that you have it in you to change.
aw166
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: London, UK
Posts: 5
This kept me in a vicious circle for a long time. Thinking of shameful/embarrassing/dumb/bad/self destructive things I did in the past, leads to self-hatred, self-loathing and all those feelings/emotions linked with depression/anxiety. For me, that led to alcohol to self-medicate, to forget. Unsurprisingly when drinking like that I did even more things I wished I hadn't.
I've come across a few different approaches to this.
1. 12 step program like AA is geared towards this.
2. A whole branch of therapy deals with this - acceptance and commitment therapy.
3. I came across something called addictive voice recognition therapy recently which seemed relevant to acceptance.
I used to think that to beat myself up about the things I'd done, to hate myself for it, was to hold myself accountable. Someone then pointed out to me that it was actually self-pity. And that I'd beaten myself up enough about the past. It was time to let it go.
It wasn't quite that easy to let go! But it did change my outlook.
I've come across a few different approaches to this.
1. 12 step program like AA is geared towards this.
2. A whole branch of therapy deals with this - acceptance and commitment therapy.
3. I came across something called addictive voice recognition therapy recently which seemed relevant to acceptance.
I used to think that to beat myself up about the things I'd done, to hate myself for it, was to hold myself accountable. Someone then pointed out to me that it was actually self-pity. And that I'd beaten myself up enough about the past. It was time to let it go.
It wasn't quite that easy to let go! But it did change my outlook.
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