Feeling so drained and defeated with helping my boyfriend
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Feeling so drained and defeated with helping my boyfriend
My on again,off again boyfriend,father to my unborn son,recently got out of jail. He was going into a program that helps drug addicts get clean this week. I was excited for him and thought this would finally be the way to get him clean,but when I went to visit him yesterday all hell broke loose. I was sitting on the couch and he told me he had to go shower and he would be back out. I didn’t think anything of this.
**** Possible Trigger warning****
30 mins go by and I’m sitting here playing on my phone waiting for him,and I hear nothing but silence. I yell out his name and he doesn’t reply. Long story short,I bang on the door and no reply,I take a knife and open it and he’s laying on the floor turning purple. I honestly cannot even begin to describe how I felt looking at him making the death rattle noise turning purple. I smacked him and screamed his name while waiting for the ambulance. He was given Narcan and tested positive for carfentinil at the hospital.
I have never been so hurt and traumatized as I’ve been by this guy and yesterday was my limit. I told him afterwards if he didn’t get help then I was completely done and I will no longer speak to him. He went to rehab today but who knows? He’s been before. I’m so exhausted mentally,emotionally and my heart breaks for him everyday. I haven’t enjoyed my pregnancy. I can’t enjoy spending time with him because it’s all about his habit. I can’t shake the image of his purple and pale face as I sat there smacking him. It’s just so much. So what do you do? When you love someone but they are destroying your happiness and themselves.
I am so emotionally empty I have nothing left in me to give him. I keep replaying what if’s and if I weren’t around to get him help what would have happened. Or if I had waited just s little bit longer. I am so drained by this guy. Help?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Iris, I can't even imagine how awful that was for you. I am sorry for your situation.
Now would be a good time to turn your focus to yourself and your baby. You CAN make a happy life for both of you if it doesn't include active addiction. I know leaving this relationship will hurt but you will heal in time. Staying will prolong the hurt indefinitely.
Please take good care of yourself.
Now would be a good time to turn your focus to yourself and your baby. You CAN make a happy life for both of you if it doesn't include active addiction. I know leaving this relationship will hurt but you will heal in time. Staying will prolong the hurt indefinitely.
Please take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Thank you
Originally Posted by Ann 
Iris, I can't even imagine how awful that was for you. I am sorry for your situation.
Now would be a good time to turn your focus to yourself and your baby. You CAN make a happy life for both of you if it doesn't include active addiction. I know leaving this relationship will hurt but you will heal in time. Staying will prolong the hurt indefinitely.
Please take good care of yourself.
Now would be a good time to turn your focus to yourself and your baby. You CAN make a happy life for both of you if it doesn't include active addiction. I know leaving this relationship will hurt but you will heal in time. Staying will prolong the hurt indefinitely.
Please take good care of yourself.
I am just so sad about the whole situation. I have waited for several months for him to get better and he just keeps hurting me and doing things that mentally screw me up. I know he went to rehab because of his near death experience yesterday,but he’s been to rehab multiple times and it never works for him. Is it bad of me that I just assume it won’t work this time either? I already sat and waited for him for months since he has been off the wall with his addiction and then getting put in jail,it’s so lonely. I thought things would be different but now he’s gone again for 30 days. I’m bummed out,disappointed and really just heart broken over everything. Thanks for your kind words. ❤️ I have tried leaving in the past and he knows I care about him so he always came back. Maybe I’ll see how rehab helps him this time before I finally cut things off. I don’t know. I’m just so sad I could cry but it doesn’t help.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Iris, if you will read around the forum, you will see that this is not unusual. All the rehabs in the world will not help him if he isn't done. Past behavior is a pretty good indication of future behavior. If it were just you, then that would be one thing. However, you are carrying a child and your focus should be on him and yourself.
The last thing a baby needs is to be around active addiction. Please put your baby first and use this time to focus on what is truly best for him and yourself. This is causing you much stress and that is not good at all for your baby.
The last thing a baby needs is to be around active addiction. Please put your baby first and use this time to focus on what is truly best for him and yourself. This is causing you much stress and that is not good at all for your baby.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Iris,
First, he is not "doing things to mentally screw you up" or hurt you - he is just being an addict. This is what the disease does. It may feel personal, but he is just an addict.
And yes, this is a very sad situation, so grief and sadness is a normal response. It is important to see things clearly and process your grief in order to make clear-headed decisions - ones based on facts, logic and love for yourself and your son - not your attachment to an addict.
It might help you to remember that people don't magically get better when they go to treatment, even if they are "done" with drugs and complete the program.
Treatment just starts them on the path - and there is a LOT of work that must happen before you would see a whole, mature, helpful person.
Sadly, addicts often do also relapse (about 65% do) - and - there is no guarantee that your relationship would survive his recovery if he did so. It is common that when people actually do recover, the romantic relationships that began when they were addicts don't survive recovery.
So, while you are hoping he will stay in rehab, hoping he is "done", hoping he will stay on the path, and hoping the relationship survives all this - you have a pregnancy to attend to. Even if he does all those things you hope for, it would be a very long time before he can be the kind of person you would want interacting with your son. If your son were 6 month, 12 months, 24 months old, would you want your addict interacting with him?
You can hope for your relationship with the addict, or you can transfer your hopes to you and your unborn son.
I hope these things I am saying are not too harsh.
It is so very important to be grounded in reality so that you can use your energy and intelligence to do what you need to do for you and your son. And, to find the help you will need from people and resources you CAN rely on. Friends, family, social services, etc.
Prayers you find the best path for you and your son! Your son must be the new #1 in your life if you want him to be different than his father.
First, he is not "doing things to mentally screw you up" or hurt you - he is just being an addict. This is what the disease does. It may feel personal, but he is just an addict.
And yes, this is a very sad situation, so grief and sadness is a normal response. It is important to see things clearly and process your grief in order to make clear-headed decisions - ones based on facts, logic and love for yourself and your son - not your attachment to an addict.
It might help you to remember that people don't magically get better when they go to treatment, even if they are "done" with drugs and complete the program.
Treatment just starts them on the path - and there is a LOT of work that must happen before you would see a whole, mature, helpful person.
Sadly, addicts often do also relapse (about 65% do) - and - there is no guarantee that your relationship would survive his recovery if he did so. It is common that when people actually do recover, the romantic relationships that began when they were addicts don't survive recovery.
So, while you are hoping he will stay in rehab, hoping he is "done", hoping he will stay on the path, and hoping the relationship survives all this - you have a pregnancy to attend to. Even if he does all those things you hope for, it would be a very long time before he can be the kind of person you would want interacting with your son. If your son were 6 month, 12 months, 24 months old, would you want your addict interacting with him?
You can hope for your relationship with the addict, or you can transfer your hopes to you and your unborn son.
I hope these things I am saying are not too harsh.
It is so very important to be grounded in reality so that you can use your energy and intelligence to do what you need to do for you and your son. And, to find the help you will need from people and resources you CAN rely on. Friends, family, social services, etc.
Prayers you find the best path for you and your son! Your son must be the new #1 in your life if you want him to be different than his father.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sadly, my son did maybe 20 rehabs? And sometimes he could hang on to recovery for a few months, a year once and three years once...but he always returned to the bad path. I pray for him and give his care to God...but I don't entertain much enthusiasm for his recovery. The candle of hope still burns in my heart, but the expectations of it happening have been gone for a long time.
How do you see yourself living a year from now, after the baby is born? How about 5 years? 10?
You can set positive goals for yourself, you can take courses to increase your options of finding work you will like and that you can use to support yourself. You can reach out to Women's support groups and find assistance for your needs, some have very reasonable day care for mothers that need to go back to school or go for interviews.
It is entirely up to you, of course, but since he's not changing and hasn't changed over a very long period of time...maybe it is time for you to change and take back your life and make it better for your new baby.
Hugs
How do you see yourself living a year from now, after the baby is born? How about 5 years? 10?
You can set positive goals for yourself, you can take courses to increase your options of finding work you will like and that you can use to support yourself. You can reach out to Women's support groups and find assistance for your needs, some have very reasonable day care for mothers that need to go back to school or go for interviews.
It is entirely up to you, of course, but since he's not changing and hasn't changed over a very long period of time...maybe it is time for you to change and take back your life and make it better for your new baby.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Thank you
Originally Posted by suki44883
Iris, if you will read around the forum, you will see that this is not unusual. All the rehabs in the world will not help him if he isn't done. Past behavior is a pretty good indication of future behavior. If it were just you, then that would be one thing. However, you are carrying a child and your focus should be on him and yourself.
The last thing a baby needs is to be around active addiction. Please put your baby first and use this time to focus on what is truly best for him and yourself. This is causing you much stress and that is not good at all for your baby.
The last thing a baby needs is to be around active addiction. Please put your baby first and use this time to focus on what is truly best for him and yourself. This is causing you much stress and that is not good at all for your baby.
I know that rehab alone isn’t a magical fix,and he has to be willing to put effort in. I had a talk with him yesterday and I told him if he didn’t complete rehab and take it serious that I would NOT be waiting on him when he decided to come back to me. Seeing him dying on my floor actually was the last straw for me and I have not gotten that image out of my head since. It was the worst thing I have ever saw and I really thought he was gonna die in my arms. I made up my mind that this is it for me. I do love him and wish he would get better so that I could have the life I want for me son and for us but I know that I can’t make him change. So I just told him that if he didn’t try this time I was done. He did say this is he first time he has ever had that happen to him so I think it did kind of scared him and opened his eyes. He chose to call rehab as soon as they released him from the hospital.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by Ann
Sadly, my son did maybe 20 rehabs? And sometimes he could hang on to recovery for a few months, a year once and three years once...but he always returned to the bad path. I pray for him and give his care to God...but I don't entertain much enthusiasm for his recovery. The candle of hope still burns in my heart, but the expectations of it happening have been gone for a long time.
How do you see yourself living a year from now, after the baby is born? How about 5 years? 10?
You can set positive goals for yourself, you can take courses to increase your options of finding work you will like and that you can use to support yourself. You can reach out to Women's support groups and find assistance for your needs, some have very reasonable day care for mothers that need to go back to school or go for interviews.
It is entirely up to you, of course, but since he's not changing and hasn't changed over a very long period of time...maybe it is time for you to change and take back your life and make it better for your new baby.
Hugs
How do you see yourself living a year from now, after the baby is born? How about 5 years? 10?
You can set positive goals for yourself, you can take courses to increase your options of finding work you will like and that you can use to support yourself. You can reach out to Women's support groups and find assistance for your needs, some have very reasonable day care for mothers that need to go back to school or go for interviews.
It is entirely up to you, of course, but since he's not changing and hasn't changed over a very long period of time...maybe it is time for you to change and take back your life and make it better for your new baby.
Hugs
He has Been to rehab A LOT as well. He always starts out good and has motivation but it goes south quick. Everyone has given up on him and his mom even went as far as to say that I should’ve just left him laying on the floor to die. I know she was angry but I can’t just give up on him like that. Even if he doesn’t complete this rehab like he said he would,I may never allow him back in my life I will always worry for him and hope he gets better. It just sucks. It makes me so depressed that I can’t reach him and get him to understand. He has never been that close to dying that I’m aware of,and he told me this was a first. So maybe it scared him into actually trying this time. I hope so. I can’t just write him off as a worthless junkie even though he has done so much wrong to me. I just can’t give up on him.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by Troubledone
Iris,
First, he is not "doing things to mentally screw you up" or hurt you - he is just being an addict. This is what the disease does. It may feel personal, but he is just an addict.
And yes, this is a very sad situation, so grief and sadness is a normal response. It is important to see things clearly and process your grief in order to make clear-headed decisions - ones based on facts, logic and love for yourself and your son - not your attachment to an addict.
It might help you to remember that people don't magically get better when they go to treatment, even if they are "done" with drugs and complete the program.
Treatment just starts them on the path - and there is a LOT of work that must happen before you would see a whole, mature, helpful person.
Sadly, addicts often do also relapse (about 65% do) - and - there is no guarantee that your relationship would survive his recovery if he did so. It is common that when people actually do recover, the romantic relationships that began when they were addicts don't survive recovery.
So, while you are hoping he will stay in rehab, hoping he is "done", hoping he will stay on the path, and hoping the relationship survives all this - you have a pregnancy to attend to. Even if he does all those things you hope for, it would be a very long time before he can be the kind of person you would want interacting with your son. If your son were 6 month, 12 months, 24 months old, would you want your addict interacting with him?
You can hope for your relationship with the addict, or you can transfer your hopes to you and your unborn son.
I hope these things I am saying are not too harsh.
It is so very important to be grounded in reality so that you can use your energy and intelligence to do what you need to do for you and your son. And, to find the help you will need from people and resources you CAN rely on. Friends, family, social services, etc.
Prayers you find the best path for you and your son! Your son must be the new #1 in your life if you want him to be different than his father.
First, he is not "doing things to mentally screw you up" or hurt you - he is just being an addict. This is what the disease does. It may feel personal, but he is just an addict.
And yes, this is a very sad situation, so grief and sadness is a normal response. It is important to see things clearly and process your grief in order to make clear-headed decisions - ones based on facts, logic and love for yourself and your son - not your attachment to an addict.
It might help you to remember that people don't magically get better when they go to treatment, even if they are "done" with drugs and complete the program.
Treatment just starts them on the path - and there is a LOT of work that must happen before you would see a whole, mature, helpful person.
Sadly, addicts often do also relapse (about 65% do) - and - there is no guarantee that your relationship would survive his recovery if he did so. It is common that when people actually do recover, the romantic relationships that began when they were addicts don't survive recovery.
So, while you are hoping he will stay in rehab, hoping he is "done", hoping he will stay on the path, and hoping the relationship survives all this - you have a pregnancy to attend to. Even if he does all those things you hope for, it would be a very long time before he can be the kind of person you would want interacting with your son. If your son were 6 month, 12 months, 24 months old, would you want your addict interacting with him?
You can hope for your relationship with the addict, or you can transfer your hopes to you and your unborn son.
I hope these things I am saying are not too harsh.
It is so very important to be grounded in reality so that you can use your energy and intelligence to do what you need to do for you and your son. And, to find the help you will need from people and resources you CAN rely on. Friends, family, social services, etc.
Prayers you find the best path for you and your son! Your son must be the new #1 in your life if you want him to be different than his father.
this isnt isn’t my first rodeo with an addict unfortunately,so I know that I can’t msgicslly fix him. He does keep screwing with my head,probably not intentional like you said,but it very much effects me. I already had s talk with him and I refuse to slow it back around me. I get angry when I think about how he brought that stuff in my house. Of course I know he isn’t thinking clearly and he’s sick. Seeing him struggling to breathe on my bathroom floor was the last straw for me. He doesn’t understand how that affected me and I have not stopped thinking about it since it happened. He did however call rehab himself as soon as he was released from the hospital so I’m thinking he’s st least trying to do something about his problem. I can’t discard him off as worthless even though he has given me plenty of reasons to,I will always care for him and his safety and unfortunately that’s what is going to hurt me even more I feel like. He’s so reckless if he doesn’t get help I really in my heart know that he’s gonna die from this. But there is nothing I can do but encourage him to get better. I really don’t want my baby to never know his father. It kills me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Iris, two things...there is no such thing as a worthless junkie..just good people lost to addiction.
Second...If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. WE are not the answer, not the solution. As the founder of SR ( a wonderful recovering addict named Jon) once told me, he said "You just might love your son right into his grave". Ouch, that hurt, but never were truer words ever said to me. God bless Jon for telling it like it is.
Like my son, this man must find his own path to recovery. Nobody can find it for him. Rehab will give him tools and a map but it's up to him to embrace what he learns and hang on to his recovery like a lifeline...because it is.
Take care of yourself, that's your responsibility and you are most certainly worth it.
Second...If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. WE are not the answer, not the solution. As the founder of SR ( a wonderful recovering addict named Jon) once told me, he said "You just might love your son right into his grave". Ouch, that hurt, but never were truer words ever said to me. God bless Jon for telling it like it is.
Like my son, this man must find his own path to recovery. Nobody can find it for him. Rehab will give him tools and a map but it's up to him to embrace what he learns and hang on to his recovery like a lifeline...because it is.
Take care of yourself, that's your responsibility and you are most certainly worth it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Originally Posted by Ann
As the founder of SR ( a wonderful recovering addict named Jon) once told me, he said "You just might love your son right into his grave".
What Ann said above is really important and worth thinking about. You can't save him, he has to want to save himself. By giving him a soft landing place all the time you may just be allowing him to continue on in his addiction.
It's one thing when we are involved in these situations alone, it's another when we bring a child in to the mix. Your one and only responsibility now is to the child and to yourself and I really hope you turn your focus that way. That's what is going to get you out of this emotional hell, that is what is going to turn your life around.
Love yourself, love your child, that's where your happiness is.
He will do what he wants to do, whether that is to stay clean or stay on the path of addiction he has always chosen. If you could cure that he would be at home now clean and sober, not in rehab for the however many times it's been.
He needs to want help and he needs professional help. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Look after yourself.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Iris, I am so sorry you had to see him like that. Very traumatizing. I've been there. It's hard to recover from.
I know you worry about giving up on this guy, but he's the one who has to "not give up" on himself. I think you should make sure you don't "give up" on YOU and your unborn child. Neither you nor your child should be around this type of thing right now.
Women who are stressed during pregnancy (especially as much as you are) are more likely to give birth preterm, to have children who develop asthma, reduced cognitive abilities, and behavioral problems. Just google "impact of stress on pregnancy".
I don't mean to alarm you, but this is no longer about him, it's about you and your son. I hope you have the strength to let the addict to what he wants to do (and this includes relapsing) while you and junior go off somewhere peaceful away from his circus.
From now on you are number 1 (because you are the mama), baby is number 2. The end. There is no number 3 -- no one has energy for that.
I know you worry about giving up on this guy, but he's the one who has to "not give up" on himself. I think you should make sure you don't "give up" on YOU and your unborn child. Neither you nor your child should be around this type of thing right now.
Women who are stressed during pregnancy (especially as much as you are) are more likely to give birth preterm, to have children who develop asthma, reduced cognitive abilities, and behavioral problems. Just google "impact of stress on pregnancy".
I don't mean to alarm you, but this is no longer about him, it's about you and your son. I hope you have the strength to let the addict to what he wants to do (and this includes relapsing) while you and junior go off somewhere peaceful away from his circus.
From now on you are number 1 (because you are the mama), baby is number 2. The end. There is no number 3 -- no one has energy for that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Iris, I am so sorry you had to see him like that. Very traumatizing. I've been there. It's hard to recover from.
I know you worry about giving up on this guy, but he's the one who has to "not give up" on himself. I think you should make sure you don't "give up" on YOU and your unborn child. Neither you nor your child should be around this type of thing right now.
Women who are stressed during pregnancy (especially as much as you are) are more likely to give birth preterm, to have children who develop asthma, reduced cognitive abilities, and behavioral problems. Just google "impact of stress on pregnancy".
I don't mean to alarm you, but this is no longer about him, it's about you and your son. I hope you have the strength to let the addict to what he wants to do (and this includes relapsing) while you and junior go off somewhere peaceful away from his circus.
From now on you are number 1 (because you are the mama), baby is number 2. The end. There is no number 3 -- no one has energy for that.
I know you worry about giving up on this guy, but he's the one who has to "not give up" on himself. I think you should make sure you don't "give up" on YOU and your unborn child. Neither you nor your child should be around this type of thing right now.
Women who are stressed during pregnancy (especially as much as you are) are more likely to give birth preterm, to have children who develop asthma, reduced cognitive abilities, and behavioral problems. Just google "impact of stress on pregnancy".
I don't mean to alarm you, but this is no longer about him, it's about you and your son. I hope you have the strength to let the addict to what he wants to do (and this includes relapsing) while you and junior go off somewhere peaceful away from his circus.
From now on you are number 1 (because you are the mama), baby is number 2. The end. There is no number 3 -- no one has energy for that.
Thank you. Imagine the most reckless,toxic person and you have his personality. Not only that but he has ADHD and grew up in a home with a mom who enabled him through the years and He has zero accountability for his actions. I know,for a fact that he will die if he doesn’t stop. I just know in my heart he will overdose and I know that if I hadn’t been there to bring him back he would have slowly lost consciousness and died that day. It makes me so angry. He brought that around me,pregnant. But I know he is sick and doesn’t think clearly. I have honestly fought back tears today because he’s away and I miss him for the holidays. Not that I think he would be a great presence right now considering all that has been going on,but how do you stop loving people even when they’re sick and toxic for your well being? I don’t know. I am severely depressed by all of this and I know my family talks about me behind my back regarding my horrible relationship. I just hate that it has to be this way. I don’t even know if I should give this baby his last name,or even try involving him in its life because I just don’t know what the future holds. I know that I’m sick of being hurt and if this rehab doesn’t work then I have to make myself cut ties. I am trying to do what’s best for me even when I love him and want him to be someone that he can’t be on his own. It’s just lonely and I’m heartbroken. Thank you for your kind words,I’m having a really hard time right now. 💔
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi Iris,
The hardest thing I have ever had to do was let go of someone that I loved because of what they choose to do with their life -- and YES, I believe that addiction is a choice, because you can choose to do it UNTIL you no longer have a choice but to keep doing it... unless you seek recovery with a good program. If you keep doing it and doing it, you will end up in hospital... or in the ground.
I can say the exact same thing for people who are involved with an addict. Trying to care for an addict is going to hurt you and hurt you and hurt you until you get sick... then then you get a chronic illness... and then you if you are not careful, YOU could end up in the ground. I say this because I nearly ended up there. I was with someone I thought was a sweet guy... flash forward a few years later and I realized that if I didn't get out of the situation immediately, he would have come home in a drugged or drunk rage and killed me (and this was someone I didn't think would EVER do those things because he grew up in a house where his parents would try to do that to each other... and he said that he thought it was wrong. It turns out that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree).
It's Christmas day. You are pregnant. You are heartbroken. Please give yourself a break and try to do something for yourself (not involving drugs or alcohol). Go see a movie by yourself. Call a friend and ask them to take a walk with you... or invite them over for hot cocoa and try, really try to put the addict out of your mind. Give yourself permission to be a hormonal, lazy pregnant lady. You are already doing the work of growing a baby, you don't need more work. Then after that... you need to think of whatever you need to do to extricate yourself from the situation.
Maybe reach out to your family? I know you say that they talk about you... but so did mine when I was involved with an addict. It is possible that they don't feel like they can talk to you frankly about their feelings. Who wants to hear: "I hate that guy you're dating who happens to also be the father of your child... I think the two of you should split up." I mean, imagine if they say this to you, and you get angry at them? So yeah, they are probably talking. You won't know if they are on your side unless you reach out to them and find out. The worst that could happen is if they say "sorry, can't help you." Maybe reach out to friends... even if you have to spoken to them for a while... some of them might care. But be aware that if you reach out to people... they are going to expect you to make a decision.
If your boyfriend is the biological father of your unborn child, he may have certain rights... I am not sure. But you are not married, so it's probably going to be easier. You have to look up the law where you live. HOWEVER... before you even think about that, think about separating yourself and your child from him. If you give your child his surname... well, I wouldn't.
Just for now focus on two things: 1) looking after you and the baby, 2) getting away from this guy. Don't think ahead too much.
Please look after yourself this Christmas.
The hardest thing I have ever had to do was let go of someone that I loved because of what they choose to do with their life -- and YES, I believe that addiction is a choice, because you can choose to do it UNTIL you no longer have a choice but to keep doing it... unless you seek recovery with a good program. If you keep doing it and doing it, you will end up in hospital... or in the ground.
I can say the exact same thing for people who are involved with an addict. Trying to care for an addict is going to hurt you and hurt you and hurt you until you get sick... then then you get a chronic illness... and then you if you are not careful, YOU could end up in the ground. I say this because I nearly ended up there. I was with someone I thought was a sweet guy... flash forward a few years later and I realized that if I didn't get out of the situation immediately, he would have come home in a drugged or drunk rage and killed me (and this was someone I didn't think would EVER do those things because he grew up in a house where his parents would try to do that to each other... and he said that he thought it was wrong. It turns out that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree).
It's Christmas day. You are pregnant. You are heartbroken. Please give yourself a break and try to do something for yourself (not involving drugs or alcohol). Go see a movie by yourself. Call a friend and ask them to take a walk with you... or invite them over for hot cocoa and try, really try to put the addict out of your mind. Give yourself permission to be a hormonal, lazy pregnant lady. You are already doing the work of growing a baby, you don't need more work. Then after that... you need to think of whatever you need to do to extricate yourself from the situation.
Maybe reach out to your family? I know you say that they talk about you... but so did mine when I was involved with an addict. It is possible that they don't feel like they can talk to you frankly about their feelings. Who wants to hear: "I hate that guy you're dating who happens to also be the father of your child... I think the two of you should split up." I mean, imagine if they say this to you, and you get angry at them? So yeah, they are probably talking. You won't know if they are on your side unless you reach out to them and find out. The worst that could happen is if they say "sorry, can't help you." Maybe reach out to friends... even if you have to spoken to them for a while... some of them might care. But be aware that if you reach out to people... they are going to expect you to make a decision.
If your boyfriend is the biological father of your unborn child, he may have certain rights... I am not sure. But you are not married, so it's probably going to be easier. You have to look up the law where you live. HOWEVER... before you even think about that, think about separating yourself and your child from him. If you give your child his surname... well, I wouldn't.
Just for now focus on two things: 1) looking after you and the baby, 2) getting away from this guy. Don't think ahead too much.
Please look after yourself this Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It makes me so depressed that I can’t reach him and get him to understand.
It’s really not about giving up on them as much as it is in allowing them to make their own choices whether we agree with those chooses or not. It’s about protecting ourselves, physically, emotionally and financially. It’s about us learning to set healthy boundaries and to stop enabling their addiction. It’s about educating ourselves on the disease of addiction and accepting that “WE” are not the key to their sobriety.
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