lost it today
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
lost it today
I need to get something off my chest that happened today. My husband worked hard to clean up around the house all morning. I appreciated that and thanked him. I helped too, also chilled some due to working yesterday at a very fast paced job.
The AH said he was going to Walgreens around noon, and took a very long time to return. When he came back in the house, he brushed his teeth. He brushed his teeth in the "guest bathroom" downstairs in our place, and the smell of it permeates the bathroom and spreads into the living area pretty well.
I was unable to keep from reacting, and confronted him that he must've decided to drink in his car (which he's done after grocery shopping several times the last month). He said no, he took the long way home for some alone time. I still don't know if he drank or not, and I know it's not my issue to deal with, but during this confrontation I made it my issue. I raised my voice, asked why someone would brush their teeth right then, asked him why I should believe him after lying so much in the past. Our son heard this fight and was upset by it. We both told him sometimes grownups fight, but I feel horrible. I took my son w/me to the store, and told him that I was upset about dad not taking care of his health, and not always telling me the truth about it. I mean, the kid heard me saying this to my AH, I am sure (he was upstairs, we were downstairs, but he came down to hear it). I felt like I no longer could protect DS from the dynamic in this house, of this sick cycle. And maybe he wasn't drinking this time, but I told AH to please not brush his d*^ teeth downstairs anymore because the smell of toothpaste on him make me nauseated because it's usually to cover up alcohol. He agreed to brush in a less common area of the house, at least. I hate that I damaged our son and hurt his heart with my resentments today. I purchased a breathalyzer from Costco for times that DS will be with AH and I have concerns. I know that is really f-ed up, but I don't care anymore. It will be here later this week. Thanks for listening, if this helps anyone else, I am glad I shared it.
The AH said he was going to Walgreens around noon, and took a very long time to return. When he came back in the house, he brushed his teeth. He brushed his teeth in the "guest bathroom" downstairs in our place, and the smell of it permeates the bathroom and spreads into the living area pretty well.
I was unable to keep from reacting, and confronted him that he must've decided to drink in his car (which he's done after grocery shopping several times the last month). He said no, he took the long way home for some alone time. I still don't know if he drank or not, and I know it's not my issue to deal with, but during this confrontation I made it my issue. I raised my voice, asked why someone would brush their teeth right then, asked him why I should believe him after lying so much in the past. Our son heard this fight and was upset by it. We both told him sometimes grownups fight, but I feel horrible. I took my son w/me to the store, and told him that I was upset about dad not taking care of his health, and not always telling me the truth about it. I mean, the kid heard me saying this to my AH, I am sure (he was upstairs, we were downstairs, but he came down to hear it). I felt like I no longer could protect DS from the dynamic in this house, of this sick cycle. And maybe he wasn't drinking this time, but I told AH to please not brush his d*^ teeth downstairs anymore because the smell of toothpaste on him make me nauseated because it's usually to cover up alcohol. He agreed to brush in a less common area of the house, at least. I hate that I damaged our son and hurt his heart with my resentments today. I purchased a breathalyzer from Costco for times that DS will be with AH and I have concerns. I know that is really f-ed up, but I don't care anymore. It will be here later this week. Thanks for listening, if this helps anyone else, I am glad I shared it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Yes, having to get the breathalyzer from Costco is really terrible. It is also reality and the right thing to do. Ideally you wouldn't have to but your reality requires that you do and I commend you for that, no use pretending it's not happening.
I am sorry your Son has to witness all this but that's also your reality, does not make it easy or nice for you or for him.
You know, in looking back at some of your threads, in June is when you discovered the extra drinking that was going on, he went to rehab in August and has pretty much been drinking since then.
So nothing has changed.
Ideally he will quit drinking but not until he is ready. In the meantime accepting things just as they are will be easier on everyone. I certainly don't mean you just have to throw your hands up in the air and say oh well he will be drunk every day! Not at all. Just that facing the reality that he is going to drink enables you to plan your life and it will make you less reactive by lessening your stress level (eventually).
Doesn't mean everything will be hunky-dory - no way, just that if you have a plan, like using the breathalyzer, understanding he is going to drink and accepting that etc, focusing on yourself, you will find, hopefully more peace and happiness for you and your Son.
Your Son knows, of course, not sure if he has ever brought it all up to you though.
Anyway, just wanted to say that your taking charge of your side of the street is a good thing imo.
I am sorry your Son has to witness all this but that's also your reality, does not make it easy or nice for you or for him.
You know, in looking back at some of your threads, in June is when you discovered the extra drinking that was going on, he went to rehab in August and has pretty much been drinking since then.
So nothing has changed.
Ideally he will quit drinking but not until he is ready. In the meantime accepting things just as they are will be easier on everyone. I certainly don't mean you just have to throw your hands up in the air and say oh well he will be drunk every day! Not at all. Just that facing the reality that he is going to drink enables you to plan your life and it will make you less reactive by lessening your stress level (eventually).
Doesn't mean everything will be hunky-dory - no way, just that if you have a plan, like using the breathalyzer, understanding he is going to drink and accepting that etc, focusing on yourself, you will find, hopefully more peace and happiness for you and your Son.
Your Son knows, of course, not sure if he has ever brought it all up to you though.
Anyway, just wanted to say that your taking charge of your side of the street is a good thing imo.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Clarity......I don't think that anyone with a life has enough energy and time to prevent an alcoholic from drinking while they are in the grip of their disease...the compulsion to drink is that strong....it feels like life and death for them...and, it isn't even about "defying" you....
Also, there is no way, with the fears about the drinking, that the loved one...or spouse....can stuff down all the emotions. Eventually, it is like a pressure cooker...and, it just explodes...or, drives the loved one completely Krazy….
When one starts to become nauseated at the smell of toothpaste...that sounds dangerously close to developing a ptsd type reaction...? To this day, I cringe every time I hear a pop-top can opening....
The location of where he brushes his teeth is not the crux of the issue....the disease is m ore powerful than that....
There are ways around the breatholizer, also...I am familiar with those who can, easily, get street drugs...of any kind...that will not show on the breatholizer….
Clarity...what I am saying is that the disease marches on...it is progressive, unless put into remission by abstainence and a strongly worked program of recovery....
Yes, there are "stopgaps" that can work, superficially, or temporarily....and, there is total detachment--in some cases...but, I don't see how that can work with a child in the mix.....
I worry that you are u n der such pressure....don't forget that you can become sick, also....
I think that it is good to remember that there is a breaking point, sooner or later....and, it becomes time to "fish or cut bait"....
When one finds o ne's self behaving in ways that they would never want to...and is not themselves...I think that is a sign....
Also, there is no way, with the fears about the drinking, that the loved one...or spouse....can stuff down all the emotions. Eventually, it is like a pressure cooker...and, it just explodes...or, drives the loved one completely Krazy….
When one starts to become nauseated at the smell of toothpaste...that sounds dangerously close to developing a ptsd type reaction...? To this day, I cringe every time I hear a pop-top can opening....
The location of where he brushes his teeth is not the crux of the issue....the disease is m ore powerful than that....
There are ways around the breatholizer, also...I am familiar with those who can, easily, get street drugs...of any kind...that will not show on the breatholizer….
Clarity...what I am saying is that the disease marches on...it is progressive, unless put into remission by abstainence and a strongly worked program of recovery....
Yes, there are "stopgaps" that can work, superficially, or temporarily....and, there is total detachment--in some cases...but, I don't see how that can work with a child in the mix.....
I worry that you are u n der such pressure....don't forget that you can become sick, also....
I think that it is good to remember that there is a breaking point, sooner or later....and, it becomes time to "fish or cut bait"....
When one finds o ne's self behaving in ways that they would never want to...and is not themselves...I think that is a sign....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think this is what pushed me to actually make a change in my life. I was becoming this bitter, upset person, ALL THE TIME. The toll that has taken on my children is huge. Maybe even more so than the drinking.
I send you a big hug. If it looks and acts like a horse, it's likely not a zebra. You are likely very right that he was drinking. You know that in your own head, and it's upsetting you. Quite understandable.
Sending you huge hugs.
I send you a big hug. If it looks and acts like a horse, it's likely not a zebra. You are likely very right that he was drinking. You know that in your own head, and it's upsetting you. Quite understandable.
Sending you huge hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Thanks for the responses. Trailmix, he made it through intensive outpatient during June & July, for a total of 100 days sober, then stopped working a program as wholeheartedly once IOP was over. It's true; once he started again around the beginning of October, it was back to the old behaviors, nothing had changed. The one different thing was that now I knew how bad his drinking was--prior to treatment I had an inkling, but learned so much during treatment (my denial was strong, and for the longest time, he had me fooled as to how drunk he actually was). He also switched to vodka to make it less detectable in October. Dandylion, it's true that true detachment is very hard with a child in the mix. I honestly appreciate the reminder of the progressive nature of the disease, and I do keep going back to that fact, knowing it's why I have to change what I can. You and Hopeful make a great point about the explosive anger and krazy with a "k". LOL. I'm sorry, Hopeful, that you had to go through so much upset and anger. I am glad you were able to make the changes; it gives me hope.
One thing AH does not understand, and I get why, is that he is a great provider, helps clean, cooks a lot, carries the weight of the household with me in many ways...and yet I still cannot contain my anger. He is a good, loving dad. There is so much good about him, and our lives, but this dark black hole is there. He is functional, even when he drinks. I will never know how drunk he was on "x" date, or how much percentage of his liver has been used up; I only know what I can surmise based on what he's admitted when he came clean prior to treatment, what his counselors have told me, and what I smell now that he's actively in addiction now; also how he speaks and interacts does change somewhat, but he's not a stumbling, violent person. Again, knowing it's progressive keeps me on the right track, knowing I am doing the right thing. Thanks for letting me talk.
One thing AH does not understand, and I get why, is that he is a great provider, helps clean, cooks a lot, carries the weight of the household with me in many ways...and yet I still cannot contain my anger. He is a good, loving dad. There is so much good about him, and our lives, but this dark black hole is there. He is functional, even when he drinks. I will never know how drunk he was on "x" date, or how much percentage of his liver has been used up; I only know what I can surmise based on what he's admitted when he came clean prior to treatment, what his counselors have told me, and what I smell now that he's actively in addiction now; also how he speaks and interacts does change somewhat, but he's not a stumbling, violent person. Again, knowing it's progressive keeps me on the right track, knowing I am doing the right thing. Thanks for letting me talk.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
clarity......I think that the part that you are speaking of....the part where the
"good" parts seem to neutralize the "dark hole"....and cause you to feel guilty for your feelings....it a very common sticking point for a lot of people (especially parents)....
In a healthy (non-addicted) relationship...the "good parts" are there to be enjoyed and just add to the satisfaction of living......but, for a relationship that is characterized by alcoholism/addiction....there is a price to be paid for the good parts....a very high price. One always knows that, even if the good is good...the bad is always going to follow--sooner or later...thus--living in waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is hard to ever completely relax and let the guard down.
I get what you mean about the cleaning up and the household stuff....I always think that it is so curious, that, the stuff that they do, that is just a part of the shared responsibilities of managing a family, in ordinary healthy families, is deserving of a "prize" when an alcoholic or otherwise person does it.
Doing the dishes and giving the kids a bath can raise someone to Hero status....?
Clarity...where are your trophies and merit badges....? You have been breaking your back to provide for the family.
How valuable are the "good" times, really, when the bad times are changing you into the Krazy person and your child is being affected....
I do think you are paying a premium price for the good times.....
"good" parts seem to neutralize the "dark hole"....and cause you to feel guilty for your feelings....it a very common sticking point for a lot of people (especially parents)....
In a healthy (non-addicted) relationship...the "good parts" are there to be enjoyed and just add to the satisfaction of living......but, for a relationship that is characterized by alcoholism/addiction....there is a price to be paid for the good parts....a very high price. One always knows that, even if the good is good...the bad is always going to follow--sooner or later...thus--living in waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is hard to ever completely relax and let the guard down.
I get what you mean about the cleaning up and the household stuff....I always think that it is so curious, that, the stuff that they do, that is just a part of the shared responsibilities of managing a family, in ordinary healthy families, is deserving of a "prize" when an alcoholic or otherwise person does it.
Doing the dishes and giving the kids a bath can raise someone to Hero status....?
Clarity...where are your trophies and merit badges....? You have been breaking your back to provide for the family.
How valuable are the "good" times, really, when the bad times are changing you into the Krazy person and your child is being affected....
I do think you are paying a premium price for the good times.....
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Clarity,
Us drunks cant stop until we are ready to stop.
If we are doing it for someone else, it is not going to work.
We will lie and deal with the consequences.
Ask no questions and I will not lie.
Break out the breathalyzer before he takes you or your son anywhere...no questions asked.
Go from there.
Thanks.
Us drunks cant stop until we are ready to stop.
If we are doing it for someone else, it is not going to work.
We will lie and deal with the consequences.
Ask no questions and I will not lie.
Break out the breathalyzer before he takes you or your son anywhere...no questions asked.
Go from there.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I suggest to trust your instincts. I stuffed mine and ended up really sick because of it. My instincts were never wrong, but me ignoring them sure was.
Sorry you are going through this. I remember it well, it sucked!
Sorry you are going through this. I remember it well, it sucked!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Yes, it is a high premium I am paying. I will admit, also, that I am not pleasant to him anymore. He did try very hard to help me this week since I worked long hours. I thanked him more than once. Yesterday, he wanted me to be kinder, said "be nice for once in your life", which really hurt. He was upset about his abuse issues when he said that, he was dwelling on it, and I was referring to the drinking issues and I didn't think I was being confrontational, but it came off that way. Anyway, he complained about me being gone long hours at least 3 days a week, until 8 or 9. I did put in my notice at work so I can find a closer job. He's mentioned our son misses me, his mother pointed that out too over Thanksgiving(that my job hours are a problem for AH to handle everything), and I'm exhausted also. We fought bitterly last night while DS was at a school party. Today I am livid that AH had DS go to the school thing last night without discussing it (I was getting him by 6 :30 for once). He also took off with DS to his parents house, and decided DS and he would sleep there tonight. So despite him yelling at me for not being home 13 hours at a time, I got no say in seeing DS most of the weekend. Also, last Sunday I posted about a huge fight within earshot of DS. Well, AH says that saying he lied in front of DS is "putting DS in the middle". I don't want to put him in the middle. I just didn't know how else to explain why I was so angry; I can't just pretend it away. AH does not want to be around me since I can't "act nice to him". So I don't know what will happen tomorrow. One f-ed up day at a time, I guess. Sorry, just depressed as h*ll. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
You see a therapist and you go to Al-Anon. Your Husband continues to drink and sees no one or is he talking to anyone now?
You know this is kind of an impasse. The communication is in a negative pattern,
He insults you, he accuses you of not spending enough time with your Son then when you are there he takes him away over night, etc etc.
He's being controlling. Please try not to take what he is saying to you to heart. It's all about him, not you. Don't let it drag you down, you need to come at this from a place of strength, if you let his put downs and criticism bring you down, who will look after you?
It's a rough spot to be in, it is important, I think, to look after yourself first and foremost, much, much less focus on him more on you and your Son?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
You know this is kind of an impasse. The communication is in a negative pattern,
He insults you, he accuses you of not spending enough time with your Son then when you are there he takes him away over night, etc etc.
He's being controlling. Please try not to take what he is saying to you to heart. It's all about him, not you. Don't let it drag you down, you need to come at this from a place of strength, if you let his put downs and criticism bring you down, who will look after you?
It's a rough spot to be in, it is important, I think, to look after yourself first and foremost, much, much less focus on him more on you and your Son?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Thank you, Trailmix. I do see a therapist, but haven't since she saw AH and I together about 3 weeks ago. He has his own therapist, who recommended he attend an OP program in town. AH followed up with the program, kept an appointment with them, and now for a full week the rep he was to contact has not returned calls. He's left messages each day. It's maddening. I don't know if he's been drinking; I have not seen signs other than a week ago (the date of this orig post, and maybe yesterday, but I am not sure). I am not here enough lately to know his status well, so I set up after school care so that son has supervised care until 6:30, which gives AH the opp to hit a 5 pm meeting (I don't think he has, yet, it's been only a week of it).
I do think I need to work on how I communicate, and I will. I am taking my son hiking today with his friend; it's a nice day outside. One day soon I plan to return to the Al Anon group I like, to my therapist too. Right now there is thankfully SR and literature.
I do think I need to work on how I communicate, and I will. I am taking my son hiking today with his friend; it's a nice day outside. One day soon I plan to return to the Al Anon group I like, to my therapist too. Right now there is thankfully SR and literature.
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