Wamama48

I feel compelled to write this. It has been on my mind for several weeks. I am not an eloquent writer, and Im long winded, but here goes....

There is hope. I wanted to share a bit about my husbands almost one year recovery, and the effect it has had on our family. We have four adult, married daughters, two boys still at home and two grandkids. You know the effect on the RA, (you) but maybe you are wondering if it will really work out in the end that your family, friends, husband, wife or significant other can accept you back into their lives.

Obviously I can't look into the future and predict anything. I can only tell you what has worked for my family, and many other families of recovering alcoholics.

He quit, and after a month of white knuckling it, he started with AA. He said he was scared to death to walk through that door for the first time, but he did it. He embraced the program, started working steps, and reached out for a sponsor.

I didn't make it easy on him the first six months. I hated him, I was filled with rage and resentment. I was done with our marriage. There was nothing left but resentment, and anger. I told him there is nothing to save. I was DONE.

He had been drinking since he was 12. He had a 40 year drinking career behind him. In the early months he was foggy-headed, confused, he couldn't make a decision, he didn't remember if he ate, he couldn't sleep, his moods were all over the place, his thoughts rolled around in his head 24/7 and he couldn't get them to stop. Just about every time I asked him a question, even about basic things, his answer was "I don't know".

He was depressed. We watched him torment himself for 8 months. He would sit in his chair all day, refusing to let himself be happy because he felt he didn't deserve it after what he did to his family. If he felt a little happy, he told himself he didn't deserve it, and sank right back down. Nothing we did or said helped him, but he continued to go to AA.

There are two very important things he did that went to our hearts and slowly opened opened us back up to loving and trusting him again. ...
1- He took full, complete responsibility for his alcoholism and all the effects it had on him, his family and friends. I have never heard a single excuse. That is so important to the family of a RA. It means the RA is serious about his recovery and recognizes, and accepts as valid, the effect his actions had on his family.

2- Nothing he could have said, or promised, in his recovery would have been given any consideration. We were so used to hearing promises and bargaining and lies that we would have just tuned him out. We didn't believe him, we didn't trust him, we didn't care a hoot about his plans. It sounds so cliche, you probably have heard it a hundred times, but it's what he DID that got our attention.

Every time he went to a meeting, called a fellow AA'er, read the Big Book and Daily Reflections, spent time with his sponsor and made good changes, there was money deposited in the Trust Fund. We kept seeing changes in him, good changes! There were times he made good changes that actually left me speechless. I am not a speechless person, thats not easy to do.

For every forward action he took, there was a deposit in the Trust Fund. Yes he has some setbacks, but in general, I began to trust him just a little, very tentatively. He kept moving forward, making deposits in the Trust Fund. He became a husband again, he became a father again, he became a grandpa again. People were noticing the changes.

Had he made excuses for the past, had he not made the changes, it would have never, ever worked. We heard all the lies and promises for 20 years, only action softened our hearts.

I just wanted to share this with you, for those who are having a hard time believing that actions speak louder than words in possibly restoring your family. YES! It's the only thing that can restore the trust. Maybe some in your family won't be able to forgive you. But there is hope, it can happen.

All of our children have told their dad they are proud of him. They still have their own personal hurts to deal with, but thats their side of the street. The daughter that hated him and had a lot of anger towards him recently asked him if he would help her build an entertainment center for her house. It may seem like a happy, fairy tale ending. Its not. By far. There is a lot to work through, anger, resentment, bad memories and broken relationships. But it's a beginning.

There's still a long way to go for us in restoring our marriage. For a long time he was the only one working on the marriage, but I am now cautiously opening up. I don't know if it will work, sometimes that trust can just never be restored. But it's a start, and it came about because he was all action and no talk.

Maudcat

Thanks, Wamama, for your post.
I know it wil help a lot of people who are struggling.

CaiHong

Wamama,
Your post was more than eloquent, thank you for taking the time to post it. I am going to print it out and put it on the coffee table for the guests to read at the rehab. Yesterday was family day here, your letter described how I think a lot of the wives are feeling,
CaiHong

snitch

Wow Your post is so emotional. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this and to share it. You have given me some hope and faith today and I wish your husband well in his recovery and you and your family a happy future, thank you again, X X x

Opivotal

Thank you so much for sharing, Wamama!

Your post is spot on, honest and heartfelt.

Wamama48

I'm a very private person, I was nervous about writing that and putting it out there. I just want to help someone like those on SR have helped me. I have a newfound respect for recovering alcoholics. Watching my husband claw his way out of alcoholism, and not giving up, I just can't put it into words.

Tommyh

thank you Wamama
I understand that story.Good story too.
You told a lot of my wifes and my story.Trust has to be earned.
Have a good day!

Wamama48

That's wonderful, I hope it brings someone comfort. 😊

Wamama48

You are so welcome.

CaiHong

Wamama,
I printed your post and slipped it under the door of one of the guests whom I thought would get the most from it. He told me when he woke up he saw the paper and took it back to bed with him to read, he said it described him and his wife relationship. He was incredibly moved by it and shared it with his wife.
I have met the family several times and although it's not in my power to get him well, I realize that I can pass on the message and your message was extremely powerful.

Thankyou again
CaiHong

Wamama48

That brought tears to my eyes. You are an incredibly caring person, the world needs people like you.

SoberCAH

I think you put all of these experiences into words wonderfully.

Your original post and this one are incredibly uplifting.

If they don't make readers feel good all over, they have hearts of stone.

Thanks for sharing all of this experience, strength and hope.

Your story should be in the back of the Big Book.

Gr8ful1

Wamama48

You are very welcome. Just keep doing the next right thing. Even if you think she doesn't notice, she does. Actually, I watched my husband like a hawk. Was he really making the changes? Is he really serious? And when the going got tough, I watched him to see if he was giving up, or pulling himself back up and forging on. In all honesty, I wanted to separate for a year. We couldn't financially, but I really feel it would have been so much kinder and easier emotionally on everyone. Keep on making the changes! People see the good things you're doing!

DayTrader

THAT was an awesome read Wamama! Thanks a million.

oh....and I totally dig your Mastiff!!!

Wamama48

You are so welcome. And thanks, I dig my Mastiff too. When my RAH was drinking, she and I would take off into the woods to hike and explore, which was my escape. She's a great guard dog, if we ever run into any other people out there, they steer clear of us 😀 Wishing you only the best in your recovery!