Is it harmful for me to have a sponsor who yells at me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 216
Is it harmful for me to have a sponsor who yells at me?
I had another slip and my sponsor freaked out. She yelled at me, called me a baby, told me I didn't want to get sober, and she also hung up on me when I said I was too hungover to go to the meeting. (I ended up going and all is fine - she said she cares about me)
The thing is, I've had two sponsors before her and they were almost too nice. I manipulated them and wasn't honest. So it's almost like my sponsor is "scaring me straight" but maybe that is what I need? Or maybe she is really crazy and I should find someone new?
I guess I just don't know what is right or what is wrong. I have heard some even worse stories about sponsors yelling at their sponsees telling them they will die if they don't get to a meeting, hanging up on them, ignoring them...etc. My sponsor is nowhere near as bad as this...
The thing is, I've had two sponsors before her and they were almost too nice. I manipulated them and wasn't honest. So it's almost like my sponsor is "scaring me straight" but maybe that is what I need? Or maybe she is really crazy and I should find someone new?
I guess I just don't know what is right or what is wrong. I have heard some even worse stories about sponsors yelling at their sponsees telling them they will die if they don't get to a meeting, hanging up on them, ignoring them...etc. My sponsor is nowhere near as bad as this...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess to me it depends. Is she like this often, or was this a one time thing out of frustration.
Sometimes I need someone to be harsh with me in my life. I have a friend who is like this, she is not the person I go to if I need someone to cry with me, but I definitely need her to keep me on the straight and narrow about some other things.
Have you spoken to your sponsor about this concern?
Sometimes I need someone to be harsh with me in my life. I have a friend who is like this, she is not the person I go to if I need someone to cry with me, but I definitely need her to keep me on the straight and narrow about some other things.
Have you spoken to your sponsor about this concern?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I'd agree with hopeful, have a conversation with her and let her know how you feel. It's certainly possible that she got frustrated with your actions. Sounds like she cares about you and is willing to spend time trying to help you as well, so take that into account.
Also - think about it from her side - what would you do if you were sponsoring someone and they told you they were too hungover to go to a meeting?
Also - think about it from her side - what would you do if you were sponsoring someone and they told you they were too hungover to go to a meeting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
I'd agree with hopeful, have a conversation with her and let her know how you feel. It's certainly possible that she got frustrated with your actions. Sounds like she cares about you and is willing to spend time trying to help you as well, so take that into account.
Also - think about it from her side - what would you do if you were sponsoring someone and they told you they were too hungover to go to a meeting?
Also - think about it from her side - what would you do if you were sponsoring someone and they told you they were too hungover to go to a meeting?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
This is just me, and I'm not in AA, but what happened to you would be a definite deal-breaker for me. Having grown up in an abusive home, I would shut-down completely in that situation. Respect, given and received, is essential in all my relationships.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I guess to me it depends. Is she like this often, or was this a one time thing out of frustration.
Sometimes I need someone to be harsh with me in my life. I have a friend who is like this, she is not the person I go to if I need someone to cry with me, but I definitely need her to keep me on the straight and narrow about some other things.
Have you spoken to your sponsor about this concern?
Sometimes I need someone to be harsh with me in my life. I have a friend who is like this, she is not the person I go to if I need someone to cry with me, but I definitely need her to keep me on the straight and narrow about some other things.
Have you spoken to your sponsor about this concern?
She only flips out when I slip, which has been twice. Then last night on the phone she was yelling at me that I haven't been to enough meetings since Friday.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
Perhaps you should consider if AA is for you. I tried it and did not like it.
if you have manipulated 2 nice sponsors and are now having problems with another and you are not even staying sober then you need to re-evaluate.
Perhaps you can sponcer yourself. Ultimately it is only you that can stay sober for yourself.
if you have manipulated 2 nice sponsors and are now having problems with another and you are not even staying sober then you need to re-evaluate.
Perhaps you can sponcer yourself. Ultimately it is only you that can stay sober for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Different strokes for different folks. If I had a sponsor who had devoted a lot of time to helping me and I slipped and they freaked out on me I wouldn't call it abuse or bulling or anything else. In fact, I'd say I probably deserved it. Sometimes we need a kick in the pants to wake us up. Better than winding up dead or in jail with a DUI. Besides, no one wants to see their time wasted.
Just something to ponder: You say you're nowhere near ready to sponsor somebody else, but I will tell you that nothing will keep you focused on your own recovery like sponsoring someone else. Doesn't matter if it's two weeks or two years. Just my own two cents.
Just something to ponder: You say you're nowhere near ready to sponsor somebody else, but I will tell you that nothing will keep you focused on your own recovery like sponsoring someone else. Doesn't matter if it's two weeks or two years. Just my own two cents.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
This is worth reading if you are new to being sponsored, or sponsoring other people https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
linked by permission AA World Services Inc
Basically, it's a guide to what sponsorship is, and what it isn't, and if like me you had little prior practice or experience of making healthy decisions or knowing what might be good for you, it's a pretty good place to start.
This is US approved conference literature, but AA throughout the world will have their own version of conference approved literature on sponsorship - the contents is likely to be pretty similar. If you go to a meeting which is programme oriented, this kind of guide will normally be available as part of the literature on offer, and committing to this kind of meeting helped me stay sober, which is the name of the game.
Wish you well.
linked by permission AA World Services Inc
Basically, it's a guide to what sponsorship is, and what it isn't, and if like me you had little prior practice or experience of making healthy decisions or knowing what might be good for you, it's a pretty good place to start.
This is US approved conference literature, but AA throughout the world will have their own version of conference approved literature on sponsorship - the contents is likely to be pretty similar. If you go to a meeting which is programme oriented, this kind of guide will normally be available as part of the literature on offer, and committing to this kind of meeting helped me stay sober, which is the name of the game.
Wish you well.
Last edited by Dee74; 11-13-2018 at 02:53 PM. Reason: Copyright requirement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by Highercall
Perhaps you should consider if AA is for you. I tried it and did not like it.
if you have manipulated 2 nice sponsors and are now having problems with another and you are not even staying sober then you need to re-evaluate.
Perhaps you can sponcer yourself. Ultimately it is only you that can stay sober for yourself.
if you have manipulated 2 nice sponsors and are now having problems with another and you are not even staying sober then you need to re-evaluate.
Perhaps you can sponcer yourself. Ultimately it is only you that can stay sober for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Just an observation on your OP, you had sponsors that were too nice and you manipulated them, now you have one that is tough, and you are wondering if that is healthy and if you should find a new one.....see a pattern developing here? Like I said, just an observation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I would not have anyone in my life who spoke to me in that way or hung up on me. It is abuse -control-bullying whatever you want to call it.
AA member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 872
You can’t sponsor yourself! If you look in the mirror and see your sponsor looking back,you are looking at a fool.Pleased you want to do the Programme as it should be done
I don’t like the idea that your sponsor shouted at you,that is not what sponsorship is about,she was probably just a bit frustrated,it is also not a sponsor’s place to tell you how many meetings you should be doing,Unless you were doing none!
Perhaps stick with this sponsor for a bit longer.The fact she is your third sponsor is a bit worrying.
Wishing you well.
I don’t like the idea that your sponsor shouted at you,that is not what sponsorship is about,she was probably just a bit frustrated,it is also not a sponsor’s place to tell you how many meetings you should be doing,Unless you were doing none!
Perhaps stick with this sponsor for a bit longer.The fact she is your third sponsor is a bit worrying.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,975
Well, that’s a tough one. I do believe that it is possible to give tough love to someone in a diplomatic, respectful and caring tone. I don’t think it is appropriate to yell at someone or hang up on them. At the same time, I can imagine the frustration of your sponsor after working so hard with someone and then the person relapses. And we are all human. I always said I’d never yell at my son but there you go. I digress.
You are now on your third sponsor. Perhaps your current sponsor is taking your relapse too personal or taking some responsibility for it? Perhaps through continuing to find the right sponsor, you are looking for someone to save you? I’m not sure. I’ve never done AA and never done sponsorships. But I did have a couple of therapy sessions that almost drove me to relapse over something that was said to me about behavior unrelated to alcohol that we just disagreed over. Perhaps a generation gap issue.
One thing I’ve learned in my recovery is that I had to stop looking for anything outside of myself (alcohol, substances, possessions, people and their opinions of me, etc) to define me and save me. Part of my journey has been defining my core values and living my life consistent with them, daily focus on my recovery, doing twelve steps on my own and always remembering I am powerless over alcohol (and many other things too). SR continues to be a big support system for me. But not even SR can save me. I can only save myself.
You could talk to your sponsor about what happened. But Maybe it’s also time to reflect on your thinking and strategy?
You are now on your third sponsor. Perhaps your current sponsor is taking your relapse too personal or taking some responsibility for it? Perhaps through continuing to find the right sponsor, you are looking for someone to save you? I’m not sure. I’ve never done AA and never done sponsorships. But I did have a couple of therapy sessions that almost drove me to relapse over something that was said to me about behavior unrelated to alcohol that we just disagreed over. Perhaps a generation gap issue.
One thing I’ve learned in my recovery is that I had to stop looking for anything outside of myself (alcohol, substances, possessions, people and their opinions of me, etc) to define me and save me. Part of my journey has been defining my core values and living my life consistent with them, daily focus on my recovery, doing twelve steps on my own and always remembering I am powerless over alcohol (and many other things too). SR continues to be a big support system for me. But not even SR can save me. I can only save myself.
You could talk to your sponsor about what happened. But Maybe it’s also time to reflect on your thinking and strategy?
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
In my experience, yelling at someone is unproductive for both the yeller and the yellee. It is not a healthy way to communicate and it is disrespectful.
I have come to believe that I shouldn't yell at anyone, unless they are on fire.
I came to this conclusion the last time I yelled at someone I love. Nothing was accomplished by it other than both of us feeling very hurt (him) and very remorseful (me).
Tough love is okay, yelling is bad.
IMHO
I have come to believe that I shouldn't yell at anyone, unless they are on fire.
I came to this conclusion the last time I yelled at someone I love. Nothing was accomplished by it other than both of us feeling very hurt (him) and very remorseful (me).
Tough love is okay, yelling is bad.
IMHO
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Well I don't know, is it?
I'm an adult. I don't yell at people, not even my kid (ok it has happened once) and I wouldn't let someone yell at me (except my kid, but she really doesn't).
IMO a sponsor's job is to walk me through the steps. Period. She isn't my Mom, my bestie, my parole officer, my accountant, my dating consultant, my counselor. If, over time, a relationship of mutual respect develops, great. If not, that's fine too. One of my 'peeves' in AA is this idea that I need to report into a sponsor, or that my sponsor needs to 'be there for me' at all times. Crazy. Talk about addictive and codependent.
Anyway, up to you really. If you need a drill sergeant go for it. But maybe the accountability is between you and your higher power, know what I'm sayin?
I'm an adult. I don't yell at people, not even my kid (ok it has happened once) and I wouldn't let someone yell at me (except my kid, but she really doesn't).
IMO a sponsor's job is to walk me through the steps. Period. She isn't my Mom, my bestie, my parole officer, my accountant, my dating consultant, my counselor. If, over time, a relationship of mutual respect develops, great. If not, that's fine too. One of my 'peeves' in AA is this idea that I need to report into a sponsor, or that my sponsor needs to 'be there for me' at all times. Crazy. Talk about addictive and codependent.
Anyway, up to you really. If you need a drill sergeant go for it. But maybe the accountability is between you and your higher power, know what I'm sayin?
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Many sponsors use tough love. I'm not one of them. Nor am I overly nice, allowing someone to manipulate me or use me. I'm in the middle. That being said, many newbies in AA do very well with sponsors who use tough love because it's what they need. Some sponsors use tough love because they know your life is at stake. Slips are not to be taken lightly.
I personally wouldn't continue to sponsor you if you got drunk and were too hungover to go to a meeting. You aren't ready to get sober and recover. In AA, we sometimes say that means you haven't reached your bottom. We are supposed to spend our sponsoring time on someone who is ready and willing to do the work and get honest. But I wouldn't yell this at you. But that's just me.
A sponsor-sponsee relationship is a two-way street.
I personally wouldn't continue to sponsor you if you got drunk and were too hungover to go to a meeting. You aren't ready to get sober and recover. In AA, we sometimes say that means you haven't reached your bottom. We are supposed to spend our sponsoring time on someone who is ready and willing to do the work and get honest. But I wouldn't yell this at you. But that's just me.
A sponsor-sponsee relationship is a two-way street.
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